Dragonspell Chapter 12

So they're randomly wandering around, and for some reason Kale is mainly paying attention to the SMELL.

Dragonspell Chapter 11

Leaving behind the azure glow reflected off cold stone walls, Kale entered a kaleidoscope of colors shot through with tiny explosions of light.

No, I'm not sorry. I'll put this clip up as many times as Paul rips off the Stargate.

Dragonspell Chapter 10

... when is the plot going to start? We're ten chapters in, and I still don't know what the hell is going on except the usual fantasy tropes. WE HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED YET. We've been in Granny's hobbit-hole for four chapters, dammit!

Dragonspell Chapter 9

So Kale has gotten a new outfit from Granny Noon, which would be slightly more dramatic if we knew anything about her old clothes.

Dragonspell Chapter 8

So Granny Noon wakes up Kale, and we get a bit of pointless infodumping about a character we will never see: A log popped and hissed in the fireplace. Mistress Meiger didn’t like her to put pine in the fire. The wood burned too hot, and the resin trapped in the wood snapped and sparked when the flames licked it.

That's impressive, Paul - you've made me hate a character who hasn't appeared for a single minute in your books. I have read nothing about this woman in the present. I know nothing about her life except that she co-owned a collective slave. But hearing about her for no reason + the slave thing has made me hate her.

Dragonspell Chapter 7

So after the LEAST impressive battle scene I've EVER read, our doughty trio sets out through.... Mirkwood. I think. I mean, it's basically a dark creepy forest with no real characteristics besides that.

And Kale is busy being whiny and emo. Why? Because she isn't getting to do exactly what she was told by her former OWNERS.

Dragonspell Chapter 6

So we open with a fascinating discussion about clothes. Apparently Dar the Dogman is quite the fop and wants to bring all his nice clothes, but Leetu says they can't. I'm fascinated. Note my fascinated face.

Dragonspell Chapter 5

Where were we last time? Oh yes:

Dragonspell Chapter 4

So Kale sticks her head out of the hole and sees that there are three Designated Good Guys slaughtering the grawligs. Two of them are on dragons, which probably means that they're from this Hall she's going to. So we get a study of each one.

Dragonspell Chapter 3

So when we last saw Kale, she was stuck in a vagina... I mean, a stone tunnel. This chapter picks up at that point... and no, nothing much has happened.

Dragonspell Chapter 2

When last we left Broccoli… I mean Kale, she was NOT getting raped by grawligs because this is poorly-written Christian fiction and apparently nobody ever gets raped or even threatened by it. Bad guys "play with" the good guys.

Dragonspell Chapter 1

We're introduced to somebody named Kale, which just makes me think of a giant vegetable. A masculine vegetable, since Kale sounds like something you'd name a cutthroat but lovable mercenary with lots of stubble. Well, this Kale is not a lovable mercenary, stubbly or otherwise.

The Master of Rampling Gate Part 1

In some houses, the walls bleed. There is a miasma of doom.

Possibly due to the hellmouth in the oven.

The Eye of Argon Chapter 7.5

A sweeping scimitar swung towards Grignr's head in a shadowed blur of motion.

Wow, the guy had barely stood up in the last chapter, and now he's caught up to Greg and Floweryhair Saggytits! He must run really, really fast... and he's just recovered from an epileptic seizure.

The Eye of Argon Chapter 7

With wobbling knees and swimming head, the priest that had lapsed into an epileptic siezure rose unsteadily to his feet.

"Crap, just how much tequila did I drink? The last thing I remember is dancing the mambo with that orchid-haired chick with the big boobs, and carving up cheese with a chainsaw..."

The Eye of Argon Chapter 6

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The Eye of Argon Chapter 5

"Up to the altar and be done with it wench;" ordered a fidgeting shaman

"I have a noon appointment with my manicurist during a teleconference with my stock advisor, and GOD HELP YOU if I'm late! Now get on the altar, because I don't have all day!"

The Eye of Argon Chapter 4

All knowledge of measuring time had escaped Grignr.

Greg, it's only been half an hour. Your drama llama antics are getting annoying.

The Eye of Argon Chapter 3.5

NO NO NO PLEASE I DON'T WANNA GO BACK TO THE EYE OF ARGON! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE! IT SUCKS SO MUCH!

Waaaaahhhh, please... noooooo... FUCK YOU ALL!

The Eye of Argon Chapter 3

Thankfully for my fragile sanity, this chapter is the end a short one. No, I don't know why Theis wrote HALF chapters, so just go with it.

The Eye of Argon Chapter 2

When we last wiped the blood from our eyes to snark The Eye of Argon's first chapter, we were watching Greg Nur fighting some soldiers. He's big, dumb, an asshole and seems to have the hots for men worming in agony... whatever that is. And when the chapter ended, he was heading to Gorzom. Or Gorzam. I'm not sure which one. I'm not sure he knows either.

The Eye of Argon Chapter 1

WARNING:For legal reasons I am required to warn people aboutThe Eye of Argonand its possible effects. This book and its resulting snark has been determined to be hazardous to the health of its readers. Side effects include dry mouth, brain damage, constipation, agonizing worming, stringy orchid hair, projectile vomiting, diarrhea, line dancing, an appreciation for the works of Uwe Boll, random itchy spots, blackened toes, ringing ears, polka music, poverty, anemia, nosebleeds, and hallucinations of tiny dancing nuns playing the bagpipes.

Hit List Chapter 7

Anita wakes up, and immediately knows that she is not in her Montana-sized bed with her mewling boytoys. Why? Because the only person in bed with her is wearing clothes, and there's country music playing. I mean, nobody Anita listens to would listen to something as UN-DARKANDEDGY as country. They would only listen to something COOL and HIP like Linkin Park!

Hit List Chapter 6

One of the good things about wearing the tight, tiny jammies was that no blood had gotten on them.

It's SUCH a good thing that Anita didn't get blood all over the sexy jammies she claimed she didn't want anyway.

Hit List Chapter 5

YAY! Finally a scene that doesn't involve two people talking... part of the time. AW DAMMIT.

Anita is having a nightmare about her ex-love-interest Haven, the werelion who we were supposed to utterly loathe even though he barely got any time onscreen or did anything. Allegedly he went berserk because he "wouldn't share" and wanted Anita all for himself. Ironic, since the alleged reason he was turned from Anita's new man-hunk into the spawn of Satan was because the guy he was based on allegedly rejected LKH.

So anyway, she's been having recurring nightmares about the death of this side character who was in maybe four scenes in the whole series, and who Anita didn't give a shit about when he was alive. Yeah, for some reason if you have sex with someone, you're immediately devastated by their death even if you hated their guts. Because emotional connections are based by whether you had contact with their penii.

Hit List Chapter 4

So since feminine, conventionally attractive women are all verboten in ANY law-enforcement area



Anita's roomie is basically a wall of muscle. She has big biceps, lots of bulk, and could probably a voice like James Earl Jones. In other words, despite claiming that she and Anita TOTALLY have common physiques because Anota's so CURVY, she's depicted as being sexually undesirable and physically mannish. (As opposed to the PERFECT, IDEAL woman, who is physically feminine and macho only in attitude)

Hit List Chapter 3

So where were we when we left Anita? Oh yes, someone said something mildly upsetting to her, and she started crying like a baby. Tough heroine, my ass.

Hit List Chapter 2

So after a first chapter with nothing but two characters talking over a dead body, the second chapter is absolutely dazzling! Hooray! Excitement! Romance! Action! Thrills! Ballroom dancing!

Haha, I'm just screwing with you. It's another chapter devoted to two people talking. That's sort of the theme for this book.

Hit List Chapter 1

So... someone is dead. Yeah, that's sort of become standard in the Anita Blake series - nobody ever just gets hurt, they DIE in a shower of gore and "thicker things.

Skin Trade Chapter 5

After four chapters of yapping, talking and blahblahing, Anita finally does something…. sit on a place, shake hands and TALK OH MAN STOP THE YAPPING PLEEEEEEEE....

Skin Trade Chapter 4

Having spent the first three chapters staring at her own navel and yammering on the phone, Anita Blake does something drastically different - she talks to someone face-to-face and DOESN'T have sex. Can you feel the electric tension?

Skin Trade Chapter 3

Having spent the entire previous chapter sitting there yapping with various random people and having my-imaginary-penis-is-waaaaayyy-bigger-than-yours and I-can-be-more-misogynistic-than-yoooooou contests, Anita finally does something. Yes, the vampire hunter lives up to her name and starts the action, the bloodshed, the fighting, the intrigue....

Skin Trade Chapter 2

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Skin Trade Chapter 1

Well, the plot starts in a rather unexpected manner: Anita Blake is at work. She's not actually working, but she is at her office. This hasn't happened for YEARS - and the last time she did, she pissed off a grieving client and then had carpet-soaking sex with her child-man "sweetie."

12 Days of Anita Blake

12 Days of Christmas, or Sex Toys Under The Tree

by Satire Knight

---

An Anita Blake Christmas Carol

DISCLAIMER: I do not own these characters or the Anita Blake series, and I do not own Charles Dickens' "Christmas Carol." All rights belong to Laurell K. Hamilton and whoever owns the rights to Dickens' estate, which is probably nobody because this book is in the public domain.

---

Sweeties in the Night

Sweeties In The Night

As featured in the Anita Blake TV Show - Episode 1,450

The sketch:
(Cut to Anita Blake's bedroom, complete with giant porn-style bed, mirrors on the ceiling, a disco ball and a few "Playgirls" scattered around. Anita and Micah are both lying on their backs, fast asleep and stark naked. Anita has her hair in curlers and face cream on.

Divine Misdemeanors Chapter 1

The smell of Eucalyptus always made me think of Southern California, my home away from home;

Wait, what is her home if SoCal (where she actually LIVED) is not her home? She lived there before, and has legally been living there since (albeit in somebody else's movie star mansion).

Bullet Chapter 2

So you know how Anita was boohooing about how mean Monica was to her in the last chapter and how she thinks maybe sorta she's a total hosebeast? Totally forgotten by the beginning of this. All Anita wants to do is ogle her rapist-cum-boytoy Micah.

Bullet Chapter 1

So Anita is at a kid's dance recital, which is a little like bringing a crack addict into a nursery. Maybe they won't cause trouble, but they certainly won't avoid it - especially since Anita basically hates women, children, parents... basically everyone in the room.

Beauty Chapter 2

This one is going to be less detailed than the last one because…. it's a sex scene. So there's less dialogue and backstory.

Beauty Chapter 1

Once upon a time I’d had no one to go home to after a crime scene, but that was back in the day when

… the series was merely bad instead of legendarily awful.

Affliction Chapter 1

So the story opens with Anita sitting at her desk at Animator's Inc. Does this mean that we'll actually have a case intersecting with her REAL JOB? Oh, don't be silly.

Flirt Chapter 1

So Anita's doing something she hardly ever does these days: work. Or at least pretending to work. I suspect if God himself wanted to hire her, she'd turn him down just so she won't ever actually have to

• A) do any productive work,
• B) take orders from anyone,
• C) pretend she has actual skills and
• D) get off her oft-penetrated backside.

The Anita Blake Cover Critiques

More than possibly any other series I've ever read, the Anita Blake series has had a... interesting variety of covers. Thus far, they have fallen into three different categories:

1. Urban fantasy covers, which tend to be closest to what the earlier books were all about. They are gritty, atmospheric and potentially creepy.
2. The "sexy" covers, which usually involve naked women orgasming while turning a variety of colors.
3. The tool-porn covers. I think it was meant to look gritty and serial-killerish, like a Saw poster, but usually the covers just looked goofy.

Blue Moon Chapter 4

So the plane arrives at a tiny airfield in Tennessee, out in the countryside. Hoo boy, I think I know what that means.

Blue Moon Chapter 3

The private jet was like a long white egg with fins.

That's called a blimp, you dolt.

Blue Moon Chapter 2

I made phone calls.

Most were to a psychic hotline.

Blue Moon Chapter 1

So in Christopher Paolini style, it opens with Anita asleep. And since this is, well, Anita Blake, she's having a sex dream.

Key To Conflict Chapter 4

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Key To Conflict Chapter 3

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Key To Conflict Chapter 2

Apparently Gryphon got bored with the absurd psych session, which was basically ruled by Gillian's bloated smelly netherbits and Aleksei making puppy dog eyes while boohooing about how he hasn't got a girlfriend.

Key To Conflict Chapter 1

For my mother, Eleanor, who told me I should write and didn’t criticize my choice of genre

She must not like her mommy very much, because apparently her highest praise is that Mama failed to criticize her.


Darla Cook, my incomparable line editor and dear friend, without your help this truly would not have gotten off the ground.

Darla Cook, in case you're quivering with anticipation, is the former P.A. and editor of the infamous Laurell K. Hamilton, writer of many a bad vampire porn book about evil chocolate, child-pimping mermaids and very tasteful sex scenes. Reportedly, that's also how Gryphon got her start: working for Hamilton.



Clearly we're in good hands.

Key To Conspiracy Chapter 1

Well, as usual, it starts off with lavish infodumping and Gillian throwing a temper tantrum a two-year-old would be ashamed of.

Wizard's First Rule Chapter 3

To reinforce that Michael is an evil shallow douchebag, he's got a big fancy white house with a pretty skylight, a gorgeous lawn, greenhouse flowers planted in his gardens, and fancily-dressed buddies walking around the grounds. For someone so rabidly anti-communistic, Goodkind certainly seems to equate wealth with being a nasty selfish little douche.

Wizard's First Rule Chapter 2

When we last saw our alleged hero, who is also insane, emotionally dead and devoid of any survival instincts, he had noticed a dress. The dress is on a woman, because she's wearing it. The dress and its occupant are being followed by a bunch of cut-rate ninjas dressed like Robin Hood.

Also, there's a dress.

Wizard's First Rule Chapter 1

We're introduced to a vine. Apparently it's killing a tree, it smells funky, and it has dusky variegated leaves. I'm going to make a wild guess and say this is an EVILLY EVIL vine: Pods stuck out from the vine here and there along its length, almost seeming to look warily about for witnesses.

… last time I checked, pods are not the same thing as eyes. They are basically seed containers, which don't really look at stuff very often. In fact, they're nothing like eyes at all.

And here we're introduced to Richard: Richard combed his fingers through his thick hair as his mind lifted out of the fog of despair, coming into focus upon seeing the vine. Either he has the attention span of a cocaine-fueled gnat, or he isn't very despairing. I mean, people who are actually despairing don't usually snap out of it because they find a funny-colored plant with eyepods. Or because they're grooming their L'Oreal hair.

The Law of Nines Chapter 1

So we begin with our douchebag hero Alex noticing a ginormous truck that is going out of control, which is loaded down with SYMBOLISM.

Demon In My View Chapter 12

So it's been awhile since I updated, so quick update: Aubrey the sexy bad-boy high-school-going vampire is currently neck-raping the town skank/party hostess, Shannon. Nobody seems to have noticed. Well, it turns out that ONE person has noticed: Caryn. Yes, Caryn seems like a natural person to be hanging out at the party, especially considering she's been at the school for five minutes and nobody seems to have noticed her presence or become her friend.

And Caryn senses Aubrey because... cliched supernatural creatures can always sense each other's presences.

Demon In My View Chapter 11

So in case Atwater-Rhodes forgot to tell you before, Aubrey can teleport. Yeah. Teleport. I know I bitch a lot about the traveling chapters in Dennis McKiernan's books, but this is just FUCKING LAZY.

Also, it seems like teleportation is fraught with dangers. I mean, does he need to know EXACTLY where he's gonna land, or will he just land somewhere around there? What if he teleports INTO something? And what triggers the teleportation - if it's just WANTING to go somewhere, does he blink out and vanish whenever he thinks of someplace he wants to go?

I have the feeling I just thought about this WAY more than the author did.

Demon In My View Chapter 10

So after that uncomfortably abrupt chapter end, Aubrey is still hanging around aimlessly doing... nothing much. Then another vampire comes over to talk to him.

Demon In My View Chapter 9

So Aubrey has stomped out of the bookstore like a whiny little kid informed that he's not allowed to have gummi bears. Why? Because Tiger Tiger has Risika on the cover, and he's still smarting at the fact that Risika has power over him. Ah, the male ego.

And who is Risika, you're wondering? That would be the protagonist of Atwater-Rhodes first book, which I'm not snarking on this site because it's not nearly bad enough. She's also the protagonist of Atwater-Rhodes' SUE's first book, which is.... I... no... hurm... brain breaks



Seriously, most authors leave the bad fanfiction to the FANS instead of writing it themselves.

Demon In My View Chapter 8

After school Jessica decides to walk to the bookstore to see if her new book is stocked there. And... she's apparently not thinking about the obviously vampiric guy who just showed up at her school and spent half the day flirting with her. Seriously. He apparently made that little of an impression - Jessica goes right back to only thinking about herself again. Guy who looks, acts and dresses exactly like her dream dude is totally forgotten even though he might be a psycho stalker who will chain her to a bed and chop off her leg.

I kid you not, I think this was actually a chapter from earlier in the book that got pushed forward, and had a cursory mention of Alex shoved in.

Demon In My View Chapter 7

So we switch back to Caryn's perspective. She apparently knows that BIGSHOCK! Alex is not a human. Yeah, he hides it SO well that nobody else could figure it out. So she sits there until Alex and Jessica walk by, flirting with each other.


"Are you stalking me?" she heard Jessica say to Alex in a light, maybe even flirtatious, tone.

"Because that is like, SO hot. Even though Edward Cullen won't be written about for another few years, vampires stalking teenage girls that they want to kill will ALWAYS be sexy."

Demon in My View Chapter 6

Jessica is wandering around being anorexic and antisocial, and of course she thinks about how hot and awesome Alex is. It's almost as boring as it sounds.


Then she mentally chided herself for focusing on a guy who probably had already forgotten she existed.

Oh, how low her self-esteem is... wait, a couple chapters ago, she was informing us that she had a "body and face to die for."

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Demon In My View Chapter 5

When we last saw BitchSue, her mood had been ruined by the sight of Caryn... for no adequately-explained reason. Think this chapter will pick up on that? No way! Never mentioned again! This chapter doesn't follow that in any way. The last chapter might as well have ended with "Then Jessica was abducted by broccoli aliens," because it means nothing.

sigh

Anyway, she comes in and hears some girls making canned "what a hot guy" conversation, and as usual she acts like a snotty bitch about those girls.

Demon In My View Chapter 4

So when we last left our uberbitch heroine... protagonist... main character we're forced to tolerate, she had ditched dinner so she could write. And write. And write. She writes literally all night, and only falls asleep when the sun is rising. HEY, here's an idea - maybe she's a bitch because she never bothers to SLEEP.

Demon In My View Chapter 3

Oh yay, we're back to the bitch now. Is this chapter over yet? WHAT? You mean it's just started?!

... at least they're SHORT!

So Jessica's adoptive mother is there when she gets home, and Jessica immediately acts like a snotty bitch. Because we can't expect anything better from this character. Can we switch back to the boring witches, please?

Demon In My View Chapter 2

So now we're randomly introduced to Caryn's mother - and this seems like kind of a whiplashy experience in the SECOND chapter of the friggin' book. However, it's a nice break from our repulsive protagonist.

Demon In My View Chapter 1

So we're introduced to Jessica, a truly annoying Mary Sue who thinks her privileged upper-middle-class lifestyle is just the pits and she can't wait to escape it because NOBODY UNDERSTANDS HER OH WOE.

SMALL ADDITION: I'd like to mention, for the purposes of clarification, that I am not being nasty about people whose social problems, disabilities or other such issues cause them to come across as brusque and unfriendly. That's not my intention.

So when I talk about Jessica being nasty to everyone, I'm not basing it on her being a loner or rejecting people or even coming across as brusque and rude. It's that she is DELIBERATELY nasty to everyone she meets. There's no indication that has any problems that would cause her to be unsociable. And she has no glimmer of self-awareness about how her responses to people MIGHT cause them to not like her, or any hint that she wishes she count interact in a different way. We are repeatedly told that she's only mean and callous and antisocial because everyone else is cruel and mean to her FIRST... meaning it's implicitly not her fault.

And of course, later in the book she acts in an utterly loathsome manner when another character dies, because... she just doesn't care.

No, my problem is that she's basically like Bella Swan, but more open about it. Instead of keeping her contempt and loathing for other humans in her head, she makes it pretty obvious in every way. Hell, later in the book, a person who had adopted her, cared for her and tried to be nice to her is brutally killed... and Jessica could not give less of a shit if she tried. It's a mild inconvenience to her at best. She regards NOBODY with any emotion except contempt.

Demon In My View Prologue

This book is very mall-goth. Oppressively so. In case there's the slightest possibility you can't see it coming, Amelia Atwater Rhodes opens it with (cringe) a poem by Edgar Allen Poe:

From childhood’s hour I have not been
As others were — I have not seen
As others saw — I could not bring
My passions from a common spring—
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow—I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone —
And all I lov'd—I lov'd alone —
Then — in my childhood — in the dawn
Of a most stormy life—was drawn
From ev'ry depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still—
From the torrent, or the fountain—
From the red cliff of the mountain —
From the sun that round me roll'd
In its autumn tint of gold —
From the lighting of the sky
As it pass'd me flying by—
From the thunder, and the storm —
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view —

Now, this is a truly lovely poem about a man who had a very sad tumultuous life, and who was outlining that he was entranced by things that were different from others, and failed to be interested in what other people were. Honestly, I don't think anyone who's actually read Poe (NOT THE FRICKING "Raven"!) can disagree.

Nothing wrong with that... until you read a bit further and realize that it's meant to be a expression of the author/Sue's emo speshulness and how Nobody Understands Her and she's So Deep And Dark.

THE NIGHT IS FULL OF MYSTERY. Even when the moon is brightest, secrets hide everywhere.

.... because of course there are no mysteries or secrets in the daytime. Only at night... and that's because it's cooler!


Then the sun rises and its rays cast so many shadows that the day creates more illusion than all the veiled truth of the night.

Okay, now I'm confused. First the night was all secrets and mysteries, and now it has "the veiled truth." The day has suddenly become all about deception... instead of the night... oh forget it. My brain hurts already.


I have lived in this illusion for much of my life, but I have never belonged to it.

Yup, here we have another classic Sue characteristic - waaaaaa, she doesn't BELONG to the normal mundane world. It's sooooo not her. She's above such things.



Before my birth, I existed for too long in the realm between nothingness and life,

INSERT EPIC FORESHADOW HERE.


and even now, the night still whispers to me. A strong cord binds me to the dark side of the world, and shields me from the light.

In case you have not figured it out: Emo Teen Sue is Emo, and probably has a pentagram tattoo, no personal traumas whatsoever, an all-black wardrobe, no friends, and thinks that wearing eyeliner is a sign of depth and emotional maturity.

I return

Coming back soon.