New Moon Chapter 23

So Bella is waking up... and because she's Bella, she can't just wake up like a normal person. No, she has melodramatic dreams about evil red-eyed Catholic "fiends" who are even more horrifying because they're NICE, but she knows that they're evil because... they didn't do anything to her or the Cullens.

But of course, Edturd is there as an angel. Excuse me.

Authorial Madness - LKH - What Can't You Say?

I could make my girlfriend my legal wife.

No. No, you couldn't. See, same-sex marriage HAS been legalized... but bigamy laws are still very much in effect. And bigamy doesn't just apply to hetero marriages.

And in case you've managed to block out LKH's past oversharing, both she and her girlfriend are married legally to other people. So I'm pretty sure that unless it was preceded by a round of divorces, it would be a very ILLEGAL marriage.

Dead Ice Chapter 4

Uh oh... long chapter. That means that after three relatively crisply-edited chapters, LKH's editor passed out in an alcoholic stupor.

Dead Ice Chapter 3

Anita continues watching the porn videos, including when the woman starts rotting eventually. But then the rot doesn't spread.... which Anita says needed voodoo of the blackest kind. Which tells her that the animator is nearby, probably telling her what to do off camera.

New Moon Chapter 22

So Demetri leaves them in the hotel lobby and rushes off for lunch, since probably the Volturi leaders have eaten all the juiciest humans already.

Writing Tips From Satireknight

When I first started my snarks, I was mostly riffing, but eventually I started going in-depth into a book's flaws and why they didn't work. So I've decided to compile some things that people should never do, using books I've snarked as a guide to what to avoid.

Life and Death Preface

Except for the pronouns, I think this is exactly the same as in Twilight. No joke.


I’D NEVER GIVEN MUCH THOUGHT TO DYING—

You need to have a life first.

Life and Death Dedication

To all my wonderful friends and readers:

Give me more money!

Life And Death Foreword

Hello, lovely reader!

Again, happy anniversary and welcome to the new tenth-anniversary bonus material!
And again:

Stuff Patricia Kennealy-Morrison Wants Forgotten

If you went by Patricia Kennealy-Morrison's accounts over the last twenty years (since her memoir was published), then you would think she had been practically silent about her Wun Troo Luv since his death, except for a heartwrenching admission to a few select people (including Jerry Hopkins). And then she came out with Strange Days, which was the ultimate and accurate depiction of their affair, how he thought of her, and the exact nature of their relationship.

Except... there are a bunch of things wrong with the PKM party line.

LKH Blogflog: Bleeding On My Keyboard

“One ought only to write when one leaves a piece of one’s own flesh in the inkpot, each time one dips one’s pen.” Leo Tolstoy

Other quotes by Leo Tolstoy include:

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself."
"All violence consists in some people forcing others, under threat of suffering or death, to do what they do not want to do."
"Joy can only be real if people look upon their life as a service and have a definite object in life outside themselves and their personal happiness."
"I sit on a man's back, choking him and making him carry me, and yet assure myself and others that I am very sorry for him and wish to ease his lot by all possible means - except by getting off his back."
"Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal."
"It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness."
"To say that a work of art is good, but incomprehensible to the majority of men, is the same as saying of some kind of food that it is very good but that most people can't eat it."

I'm pretty sure both LKH and her Sue need to learn some, if not all, of those lessons.

Shutdown Part 1

Have you ever had to have lunch with your lover’s fiancé?

Well, I can tell this is going to end well. Sexual competition who might have a better claim on one of Anita's lovers than her? Dead meat.

Dead Ice Chapter 2

“SORRY, AGENTS, BUT that’s not new. It’s sick, but it’s not new.”

I hate it when I agree with characters I hate. Realistically, it wouldn't be new. At all. Because Rule 34.

Dead Ice Chapter 1

So before we start this newest Anita Blake book, let's think about what we'll probably receive in the first chapter. Hmm...

• Someone inexplicably interested in Anita's personal life, and not in the holy-shit-you're-fucking-a-teenager-you-sick-pervert way.
• Clothes.
• More clothes.
• Weapons stuff meant to show Anita's badassery.
• Backstory that is totally irrelevant to what's going on.
• Ego masturbation.

I wonder how many of those things will happen. I'm just AGOG.

LKH Blogflog: Why I Don't Read Most Paranormal

An on-line discussion prompted me to say that I don’t read or watch paranormal genre.

... paranormal genre... whats?


I don’t, as a rule, but years back when the paranormal genre went from being me almost alone, the lone voice crying in the wilderness,

... aside from Elrod, Huff, Lackey, Rice, Brite, Smith, Klause, Strieber, Romkey...

Patricia Kennealy-Morrison - FAQ 7

Why do you think people are so down on you and say such terrible things about you?

---

I don't consider those creatures 'people', but, just for the sake of argument:

Yes, that will win many of the infidels over to your side. Say you don't consider your critics "people."

Patricia Kennealy-Morrison - FAQ 6

No offense, but you never exactly raved about his poetry...

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That's right! [See the Jazz&Pop4Ever section on this site for my published review of The Lords & The New Creatures -- the review that occasioned his proposal.]

"Man, you criticized my poetry! That makes me horny! Marry me, sweetcheecks!"

Patricia Kennealy-Morrison - FAQ 5

What did people think about Pamela when she was alive -- did they even know about her?

---

As far as I could tell, nobody in Doors circles seemed to particularly like Pam (in fairness to her, I must say that she reciprocated the feeling).

Reportedly this was because she supported his more artistic, poetic leanings and didn't care so much about the rock'n'roll. Ooo, what a bitch!

And the fairness is a little less fair when one considers that Kennealy also detests the Doors. In Blackmantle, she devotes a considerable amount of time to murdering them. Then again, if their autobiographies are to be believed, they didn't seem to dislike Pam. Hell, Ray Manzarek seems downright fond of her, and he implied that another member of the group was enthralled by her.

Patricia Kennealy-Morrison - FAQ 4

Yet he went off to Paris to join her; why do you think he kept going back to her?

---

When people are in dysfunctional relationships fueled by addiction to alcohol and drugs, they do things like that all the time. I think that ultimately, to Jim, Pamela was familiar and "safe".

... or, if you go by Occam's razor, maybe he actually loved her.

Patricia Kennealy-Morrison - FAQ 3

Do you really think Pam murdered him?

---

I reluctantly doubt that she actually premeditated his slaughter --

So, she's actually UNHAPPY that someone didn't deliberately commit murder?