Saturday, March 19, 2016

My Immortal Chapter 9

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox!

That shocks me. Deeply.

dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE!

I must have been in the bathroom during the scenes where Dumbledore starts screaming four-letter words at his students. Sigh, those movie adaptations, always getting stuff wrong,

and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX!

... yes, because Snape strikes me as a total Bible-thumper. And he had NO other reasons to act negatively at all towards the characters.

I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me.

For the hundredth time, HE'S BEEN DATING YOU FOR ONE DAY. Does Tara Gillesbie subscribe to the Smeyer theory of love and romance, wherein you must never date anyone except your troo luv or you're cheating on someone you've not met yet?

I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.

My buttprint was still crushed into the bark!

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick!

  1. Oh no, it's Lamar Smith!
  2. What is "and everything"? Are there OTHER features that go with red eyes and no nose?
  3. The "flying toward me on a broomstick" part… sort of falls flat when you consider that everybody in this series has a broomstick.

He didn't have a nose

Thank you, Captain Redundant.

(basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was… Voldemort!

Ohmigosh! Voldemort looks like Voldemort in the MOVIES! Just like how Sauron looks like Sauron in the movies.

Voldemort promptly casts the Imperius curse… wait…

googles it

Okay, according to my exhaustive research, the Imperius Curse is a spell that compels the victim to do whatever the hell the caster wants them to do. And after being hit by that… Ebony immediately attacks Voldemort right back. So either he masochistically WANTED to be attacked, or Tara just raped continuity again. Both are possible in this story! Space is warped and time is bendable!

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream.

… um...


She's summoning a cat to save her?

I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped.

  1. Sadists. Don't. WORK THAT WAY!!!!!!!
  2. Where are all these qualities like sadism and bisexuality coming from?!
  3. Why would ANYONE feel bad for Voldemort? He's only the scourge of the wizard world. That's like feeling bad for Sauron or Emperor Palpatine.
  4. Voldemort is… kind of a wimp. He just got pwned by a random teenager.
  5. Admittedly he got pwned by a toddler in the past, but at least that wasn't just flinging spells at each other.
  6. Also, shouldn't Ebony be this guy's biggest fan? He always wears black and he's evil, plus he has "mort" in his name. Shouldn't she think he's the gothiest of goths?

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!"

… and apparently Voldemort now talks like the King James Bible. Because reasons.

I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?

OMG Enoby is like Shirlok Homes to ahve figgered that out! Seriously, ONE DAY.

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.
Voldemort gave me a gun.

... I know there's a lot of discussion about whether guns would be effective against wizards. Rowling was even quoted (although I can't find the source) as saying even the most powerful wizard could be taken out by a gun. So yes, guns are a real and valid threat.

But I really don't think VOLDEMORT of all people would have one rattling around in his pocket. And I'm also pretty sure that it wouldn't be the first thing he'd think of when he wanted to kill someone.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"
"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Yes, how DID he know? Voldemort doesn't seem like he'd care much about the immediate romantic issues of a pair of teen Slytherins.

Or maybe he follows some of the kids on twitter, and found out about naked Draco chasing Enoby into the classroom.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face.

I... I just... I can't think of a thing to say to that. This broke me. This fanfic broke me.

"I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly.

I'm not even going to bother mentioning what he clearly means, and just ask: why is he sitting in the woods, telepathically creeping on a bunch of teenagers?

"And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

  1. How does one "fly angrily"?
  2. I admit to not doing a lot of Dark-Lording, but it seems like killing the children of your devoted followers is a somewhat bad idea.
  3. In this universe... does Voldemort even have a reason to hate Potter?

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

... ow... mood whiplash... hurts...

And how large is this forest? Ebony makes it sound about the size of a spacious bathroom. Plus, I seem to remember that the forest outside Hogwarts is a wee bit dangerous.

Ebony is now cheery and chipper, because she's apparently forgotten what happened a whole six minutes ago. Draco has not, because he has six brain cells instead of five.

He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.

  1. Har har har har.
  2. Except no, pentagram doesn't make sense. "Cross" refers to two things being... you know what, never mind. Forget it.
  3. You just humiliated him and rejected him in front of the entire Potions class.
  4. Tom Felton doesn't look like either of those guys.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled.
"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.

  1. No, it really isn't okay.
  2. For one thing, if you freak out and assume he cheated on you after ONE DAY, things can only get worse.
  3. Expelled? Did she puke while saying it?

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