Saturday, August 15, 2015

Eragon Chapter 21

So we're at another tiny miserable village which Brom and Eragon are marching into in hopes of finding... I dunno, people. And since Saphira was completely useless last time, this time she's hanging around nearby.

... there better be something interesting coming out, or I might explode.

Eragon Chapter 20

So now it's time for a whole chapter of clumsy exposition!

Eragon Chapter 19

Unsurprisingly Eragon fainted at the end of the last chapter... but for some reason he doesn't actually wake up in this one. He just staggers out and bumps into Cadoc, who AGAIN is the only one unaffected by what's going on. First he stayed calm and still during a HURRICANE that sent Saphira flopping around, and now he's totally unaffected by magical explosions and massive shock waves.

This horse should be the hero of this series! He clearly is the horse version of Superman!

Eragon Chapter 18

Although they had managed to partially refill the waterskins during the storm, they drank the last of their water that morning.

It turned out that you couldn't get a lot of water by just standing in a storm with your water container open.

Eragon Chapter 17

For some reason this chapter opens with Eragon plotting to kill the Ra'zac, mainly because his entire body is sprained. Yes, I can see how Brom's little strategy is turning him into a master swordsman. It's like trying to turn someone into an ace pilot by spinning the place around until he pukes. It isn't how you teach ANYTHING.

And now it's time for.... EPIC TRAVELING DETAILS. Yeah, most of this chapter really does nothing.

Eragon Chapter 16

So this chapter opens pretty well, with a summary of the weather and the stuff Eragon and Brom did before leaving the area.

Eragon Chapter 15

So this chapter begins in a semi-realistic manner: Eragon wakes up and gets upset because his uncle is dead:

Eragon Chapter 14

Eragon wakes up the next morning (take a shot) and is emo. For once, it's justified.

I can’t live with this, he moaned.

Moaning means saying something out loud. He's not saying it out loud! He's not moaning!

Eragon Chapter 13

It was dark when Eragon jolted upright in bed, breathing hard.

Yup, here we have another one. At least two instances apiece of Eragon waking up at the start of a chapter and falling asleep at the end up until now, and this super-short chapter is another one.

Eragon wakes up before dawn and it's freezing out. He has a Bad Premonition, which means that Uncle Owen... I mean, Garrow is officially dead. So Emo Eragon gets up, gets dressed, and goes to Garrow's room.

Eragon Chapter 12

Eragon is having a dream, and since Stus never have ORDINARY mundane dreams about exploding hedgehogs or everybody turning bright green and growing second heads, it's full of Significant Images.

Eragon Chapter 11

When Eragon opened his eyes in the morning, he thought the sky had fallen.

He was just THAT hung over!

Eragon Chapter 10

So when last we left our hero, Brom had sent him off to almost certain death by insisting that he walk home... alone... with creepy people on the lookout for him. Given that Brom is the Ben Kenobi of this series, that doesn't sound promising.

Eragon Chapter 9

Eragon is emo, because Roran is still going off to work in another village for two months so he can marry that hussy Katrina. Also, Garrow is also emo:

Garrow stood between them with his hands stuck deep into his pockets. His shirt hung loosely; his skin looked drawn. Despite the young men’s cajoling, he refused to go with them. When pressed for a reason, he only said that it was for the best.

Ye gods, you'd think Roran was joining the army and going abroad to fight trolls - he's going to another village for TWO MONTHS and then returning for good. I can see his cousin and dad being sad about not seeing him for a bit, but this ridiculously over-the-top grief thing is just absurd.

Eragon Chapter 8

Another sooper-short chapter with minimal action.

The previous chapter was almost entirely devoted to Roran wanking on about how he wanted to get a job but mean ol' daddy would throw a fit, and Eragon exploding with homoerotic rage at the idea of Roran getting married and possibly ending their sweaty cousinish man-lurve.

Eragon Chapter 7

Another ubershort chapter without much of a point, except establishing exactly what everybody knows.

Eragon Chapter 6

So Eragon and Roran go trotting into Carvahall, and Eragon goes to Brom's house. I have no idea what the house looks like, because we don't hear about it. And because Brom is a Mysterious Old Man, he pops up behind Eragon rather than answering the door like a quasi normal person.

He also apparently looks like Gandalf. Because, y'know, he's a wise old mentor and they all look like him.

Friday, August 14, 2015

Eragon Chapter 5

The dragon was no longer than his forearm, yet it was dignified and noble.

I don't know about you, but I find it hard to consider animals that small "dignified and noble." Cute, yes. Teeny weeny, yup. But they have to be at least the size of a cat before they can count as dignified or noble.

Eragon Chapter 4

This is a very short chapter… in fact, it feels like Paolini started to write it and got bored with whatever he was doing. It basically has Eragon going to sleep, waking up, going to sleep, waking up and freaking out.

Eragon Chapter 3

Eragon wakes up the next morning and starts examining his bedroom, which sounds awfully modern for a medieval kid who shouldn't have much spare time.

Eragon Chapter 2

The next morning there's a pretty sunrise, and Eragon has apparently not been blown to smithereens by his exploding Rock O' Doom. Good for him. Time to go home from his Hunt of Failed Failure, with no dead animals to sustain them through the winter! I guess they're destined to starve and/or freeze.

Eragon Chapter 1

In this chapter, we are introducing to SuperUltraHunter Eragon, whose name sounds suspiciously like a British pronunciation of "Aragorn." Which must be a coincidence, because this book is NOTHING like Lord of the Rings!

Eragon knelt in a bed of trampled reed grass and scanned the tracks with a practiced eye. The prints told him that the deer had been in the meadow only a half-hour before. Soon they would bed down. His target, a small doe with a pronounced limp in her left forefoot, was still with the herd. He was amazed she had made it so far without a wolf or bear catching her.

This is actually a fairly promising scene, because it has the potential for some actual character development....

Unfortunately, Paolini decides to put in some landscape descriptions instead:

A silvery cloud drifted over the mountains that surrounded him, its edges glowing with ruddy light cast from the harvest moon cradled between two peaks. Streams flowed down the mountains from stolid glaciers and glistening snowpacks.

Unless that is a very large, wide and high mountain, it does not have a glacier on top. Mountains don't really have glaciers - glaciers tend to be enormous ice bodies that travel on the surface of land. They don't perch on top of mountains.

And I'm not sure why the silvery cloud would still be silvery if the moon behind it is red.

A brooding mist crept along the valley’s floor,

It wrote angsty poetry and wore lots of raccoon eye makeup.

almost thick enough to obscure his feet.

Just his feet? Nothing higher up? Don't mists that intense usually rise a bit higher?

Dark eyebrows rested above his intense brown eyes.

In general, that is where eyebrows go. Would they still count as eyebrows if they were under his eyes?

A hunting knife with a bone handle was sheathed at his belt, and a buckskin tube protected his yew bow from the mist.

Weapons porn: the Gary Stu equivalent of a Mary Sue's endless clothes descriptions.

So we find out that Eragon is in the Spine, which is basically a big, significant mountain range that runs through the land of Alagaesia...

And for some reason, it's right next to the ocean.

Another interesting question: how is "Alagaesia" pronounced? I'm thinking Ah-la-gay-see-uh, which is a rather funny way of pronouncing it if one considers the number of unintentionally homoerotic moments in the series. But it could also be Ah-la-gee-zee-uh. Or Ah-la-jee-zee-uh.

I'll just go by the movie's pronunciation, I guess.

Strange tales and men often came from those mountains, usually boding ill.

Sorta like Mirkwood? No! This isn't anything like Lord of the Rings! STOP THINKING THAT, INFIDEL!

he was the only hunter near Carvahall who dared track game deep into its craggy recesses.

... okay, I'm finding this difficult to swallow. This is supposedly a HUUUUUUGE mountain range, one which spans an entire country. Are we supposed to believe that some random rural teenager is the ONLY person in the whole area who follows animals inside? I know this is a blatant attempt to make Eragon automatically cooler and more skillful than everyone around him, but it's a pretty clumsy one.

And for that matter, this is a MOUNTAIN range. I wouldn't expect most of the game to immediately head towards mountains, which tend to have less food, colder temperatures, less shelter and harder terrain than flatter land or forests. They also don't have a lot of reeds, which tend to be in lower areas. You know, because water flows DOWN.

Plus, they have glaciers perching on top. That's weird.

It was the third night of the hunt, and his food was half gone.

He sucks as a hunter. Why not hunt some rabbits or something?

His family needed the meat for the rapidly approaching winter and could not afford to buy it in Carvahall.

I admit that my time in tiny medieval villages has been limited to afternoons at the Renaissance Faire, but I'm pretty sure that nobody in medieval villages BOUGHT meat. They might barter for it, or they might hunt it. But they'd be unlikely to buy it, right? Especially in such a poor one.

And is he planning to use one deer to feed them all winter? Wouldn't it make more sense to devote all this time and energy to growing crops, which can't run away and hide but still provide you with lots of food? Why hunt?

Eragon stood with quiet assurance in the dusky moonlight,

It doesn't seem to be dusky at present. For one thing, the moonlight should still be reddish. And it can't mean "inadequate light" or Eragon wouldn't be staggering around the mountains in search of a deer. Maybe that's why he hasn't caught anything - it's pitch black.

then drew three arrows and nocked one, holding the others in his left hand.

I would love to see how he does this. Nocking an arrow requires two hands - one to hold the bow, and the other to pull back the arrow. It's not something you can really do while holding two others in one of those hands. Does he have extra fingers or something? Can he nock and shoot a bow with only one hand?

So Eragon finally comes across a herd of deer, who are all sleeping. And... what does Eragon do? He FAILS. Eragon is officially the suckiest hunter ever. I'm pretty sure that most bowmen in medieval times could have taken out at least a couple of deer when they're SLEEPING, and perhaps a few more once they started waking up and running away.

Yet he's still aiming for a doe with an injured leg, which he could probably get AFTER the others had escaped. Loser. No wonder he hasn't caught anything.

He took a last steadying breath and—an explosion shattered the night.

"Damn, I knew I shouldn't have eaten those beans for dinner!"

So he shoots at that ONE FUCKING DOE he's obsessed with, despite the dozens of deer all around him. And he misses. Yes, truly he is a master hunter! 

Behind him, where the deer had been, smoldered a large circle of grass and trees.

I assume he means that the grass and trees are burned, because circles of grass and trees usually don't smolder.

So the trees have had their needles blasted off and the grass is lying flat. You know, if the blast was that intense and did that much damage, I'd expect Eragon to have gotten hit by a bit more than hot wind. I'd expect at least some reddened painful skin. But what am I saying? Eragon is a Stu and therefore must not be put at risk.

Even then... WHY were the deer not hurt? This happened right in the middle of where they were!

And then... Eragon sees the HOLY MACGUFFIN OF SPARKLINESS!

NO, DAMMIT. It's a big blue egg stone.

Mist snaked across the scorched area and swirled insubstantial tendrils over the stone.

Mist is water vapor, not smoke. They are not the same thing, but apparently they're being used interchangeably here.

So because Eragon is a friggin' dumbass, he pokes at it with his arrow, then picks it up. Honestly, the first reaction most people would have would be to get the hell away from something that obviously caused a massive explosion. A smart person would probably wait at least a day before TOUCHING it.

Nature had never polished a stone as smooth as this one.

I dunno about that - nature has managed some pretty polished stones. 

Its flawless surface was dark blue, except for thin veins of white that spiderwebbed across it.

Keeping in mind that this eventually turns out to be a dragon egg, I cannot help but wonder what the hell those white veins are for. Or the blue coloring. Egg pigmentation has only one purpose: camouflage. And aside from a jewelry store specializing in lapis lazuli, I can't think of anyplace this egg could be camouflaged.

The stone was cool and frictionless under his fingers, like hardened silk.

  1. If the stone is frictionless, how is he holding it?
  2. Hardened silk is not particularly frictionless or smooth.
  3. So we're also told that it's a foot long and weighs several pounds. And Eragon's holding it effortlessly with one hand. REALLY?

Where did it come from? Does it have a purpose? Then a more disturbing thought came to him: Was it sent here by accident, or am I meant to have it?

He is a true Stu. A normal person might have asked the first question, but it would probably be followed by, "What IS it? How did it get here? Does it explode regularly? Should I be running the hell away from here before it explodes again?"

But no, dear Stuey Eragon is busy wondering if it was magically sent for him and him alone! Humility in a hero is totally overrated. He should always assume that the universe revolves around him.

If he had learned anything from the old stories, it was to treat magic, and those who used it, with great caution.

... except if it's pretty and shiny. Then pick it up and start preening. Also, how does treating magic with caution equate to "obviously it was sent magically to SuperStu and Superstu alone!"?

But what should I do with the stone?

Suffer without it?

No, Eragon thinks about how it would be seriously heavy to carry around, and.... OH YEAH, IT MIGHT EXPLODE. He's not really concerned very much about it, because he's holding it right next to his fucking head. But then he decides that hey, he might be able to buy something with it.

... I don't know where he got this idea, since no matter how pretty it is, there's a very limited market for exploding rocks. But then, this is Eragon the Mighty Hunter of injured does instead of whole herds of sleeping deer. Did you expect a smart decision?

Eragon Prologue

So we jump right into the plot. I'll admit it - this is way better than Twishite. We don't get fifty chapters of whining about the weather before the so-called plot starts.

Eldest Chapter 4

Rather distractingly, we're now switching the perspective to somebody we haven't seen since the start of Book 1: Roran. In case you've forgotten who he is, which is easy because he's pretty dull, Roran is Eragon's cousin. He wants to screw Sloan's daughter.

That pretty much sums him up, at least thus far.

Eldest Chapter 3

So understandably the Council is happy, since they've managed to get two raving idiots to agree to their plans in about fifteen minutes max. Arya's doing her best Vulcan impersonation, because everybody knows that being an elf means acting aloof all the time.

Eldest Chapter 2

Since it's the beginning of a Paolini chapter, it opens with our hero waking up.

And given all the shit that went down in the last chapter, does Eragon think about how his love interest is currently off hunting bad guys by herself? Does he think about how the Varden's leader was just killed, along with a whole bunch of other people?

Nope, our hero just sits there thinking about how his dragon looks when she's asleep.

Eldest Chapter 1

Eldest picks up about a day after the end of the previous book, and apparently between Eragon has turned into an even more pretentious douche literally overnight. Okay, over THREE nights, but my point sticks.

Eragon - The Movie Part 1

Just a recommendation: Try watching the movie while reading this, so you can see what I'm talking about.

So we open with the sound of Jeremy Irons narrating, and some suitably epic if bland shots of clouds and mountains... which are CGI, by the by.

Twilight Guide - The Denali Coven - Other Members of the Denali Coven

SASHA Creator of Irina, Kate, and Tanya. Sasha was killed by the Volturi for creating an immortal child, Vasilii.

They were enraged by her overuse of the letter I.

Twilight Guide - The Denali Coven

The Denali coven was originally founded by Sasha, who was responsible for transforming Tanya, Kate, and Irina into vampires.

I'm more interested in whether they were given any free will in this, or if Sasha is another shining saint who turns people into vampires for purely selfish reasons.

Twilight Guide - The Egyptian Coven

The Egyptian coven is one of the oldest covens—if not the very oldest—in existence. The remaining coven is just a fraction of the size of the original, but they still hunt on their traditional lands.

Yes, this IS the entire fucking page.

Twilight Guide - The Irish Coven

The three members of the Irish coven are old friends of Carlisle Cullen‘s.

Are there ANY vampires who aren't buddy-buddy with Carlisle? Especially since NONE of the Cullens seem to have gone anywhere remotely interesting?

Twilight Guide - The Volturi Coven - Other Members of the Volturi Coven

ATHENODORA Caius‘s mate

Who is secretly having an affair with Charlie.

Twilight Guide - The Volturi Guard - Demetri

NAME: Demetri

Nickname: Dickhead.

Twilight Guide - The Volturi Guard - Felix


MAKE SOMETHING UP. What is the point of a "guide" if it doesn't give you any new information, and just pukes up the stuff you already know! Or is Smeyer too lazy to just pick a number and a place?!

It's bad enough that this drippy bitch refuses to write any actual backstory for the minor characters. This is even worse!

Twilight Guide - The Volturi Guard - Others Who Serve the Volturi


... and their seedy sex lives! News at 11!

Twilight Guide - The Volturi Coven - Aro

I'm going to confess something: I like Aro. He's probably my favorite Twishite character. He's a vampire who actually ACTS like a vampire, and he's happy to play the campy evil puppetmaster of the supernatural world.

If you think this doesn't sound good, consider: the "good" vampires are whiny, emo, blandly-dressed characters who go to high school fifty times in a row, romance high school girls and dress like all-American borefests. Blech. I'm bored just thinking about it. They're also every bit as sociopathic and evil as Aro... but they pretend to be GOOD.

Twilight Guide - The Nomads - Other Nomads

MARY A solitary nomad, Mary was born in Nova Scotia around 1890 and transformed just after her twenty-eighth birthday, in 1918.

She was involved in the 1990 pool noodle incident. Nobody likes to talk about it.

Twilight Guide - The Nomads

Many vampires prefer to roam the world on their own or with a single partner. These vampires are known as nomads.

They are known as Jack-Vampires.

Twilight Guide - Joham and the Vampire Hybrids

Joham is the father of the four known human/vampire hybrids in existence aside from Renesmee.

Yet somehow none of them ended up coming to the attention of other vampires until Alice decided to go scouting around for them. That seems… UNLIKELY.

Twilight Guide - The Twilight Saga Playlist - Twilight

Disclaimer: The opinions below are mine and mine alone. Do not tell me I suck forever because I'm not hugely impressed by Coldplay and hate bad emo nu-metal. Yes, I'm sure there are people who rank Linkin Park above the Beatles, but I don't really care. I hate them, and I would still hate them if every other person in the world thought they were awesome. And I do not love or hate bands or songs to be "cool," because I have plenty of "likes" that aren't cool at all. And no, I won't tell you what they are.

Twilight Guide - The Cullen Coven - The Cullen Home

The Cullens‘ house in Forks is more than a hundred years old. Painstakingly restored by Esme,

And by "restored" they mean "turned into a generic modern house, removing all charm or historical detail from it."

Twilight Guide - The Cullen Coven

The Cullen coven, one of the largest stable vampire covens, is also one of the few that does not drink human blood.

And they're not just proud of this, they're SMUG about it.

Twilight Guide - Vampires - Supernatural Abilities

Most vampires find their key personality characteristics intensified by the vampire transformation in the same way their physical abilities are strengthened,

So what she's saying is Edward was only MILDLY douchey and sexist when he was a human, and becomes MASSIVELY douchey and sexist when he becomes a vampire. Suddenly it all makes sense!

Twilight Guide - Vampires - Abilities and Limitations

A vampire‘s physical and mental abilities far exceed those of a human being.

They're capable of reciting the Russian alphabet backwards and picking up Anita Blake's enormous butt.

Twilight Guide - Vampires - Physical Characteristics

In the Twilight universe all vampires were originally human.

Thank you for the insight, Captain Obvious.

Twilight Guide - Twilight Vampires

Vampires, the central supernatural creatures of the Twilight Saga, have existed in myths and local lore for centuries.

... but all those unsexy ideas are WRONG! Rotting corpses? WRONG! Clawed hands? WRONG! Fangs necessary for actual blood drinking? WRONG! The only REAL vampires are sexy marble models!

Twilight Guide - Interview with Shannon Hale - On Finding Story Ideas

SH: People often ask me—and I‘m sure you get this, too: How do you come up with so many ideas? Once you start writing, the ideas just keep multiplying.

I can believe this of Hale, since she has been writing for less than a decade and has produced eight novels and two graphic novels, each with different characters and distinct plot. She's also got a Newbery Honor. Not too shabby.

In the last decade, Smeyer has produced four craptastic novels with no plot and the same characters, a novella set in the same universe, a single short story, and a soft sci-fi book. She's produced ONE story in the last three years, and it wasn't even something she wrote in that period.

Twilight Guide - Interview with Shannon Hale - On The Writing Process

SH: I think you must write much better first drafts than I do.
SM: I doubt that.
SH: Really? Are they pretty bad?

I think dyslexic wombats write much better first drafts than Smeyer does.

Twilight Guide - Interview with Shannon Hale - On How It All Began

So, in case you didn't know, this is a seemingly eternal interview by Smeyer's buddy Shannon Hale. If you haven't read girly fantasy novels or chick lit, you probably haven't heard of Hale, but she's written a pretty respectable series of books called the Books of Bayern, set in a fantasy world. She's also a pretty good writer, which makes me scratch my head whenever she praises Smeyer's bloated oozing ego-monsters.

New Moon Epilogue

So we're given a sum-up of how her boring life went back to being boring again, only with the Cullens.

Since the Cullens are Perfect Gold-Crapping Vampires, the hospital is fine with Carlisle retaking his old job. They just fired the poor schmuck who had gotten his job, because he'd never be as wonderful as Carlisle.

"Haha! We care nothing for others!"

New Moon Chapter 24

Edturd is pissed at the idea of anyone else getting to decide what happens to Bawla, so he ties her up and throws her in the closet. Then he murders Charlie so he can guard Bawla day and night, while laughing at how weak and sad she is...

Oh sorry, that's the in-character thing for him to do. In the actual book, he gives her another vampiric piggyback ride, which I think is meant to sound cool. It's not.

New Moon Chapter 23

So Bella is waking up... and because she's Bella, she can't just wake up like a normal person. No, she has melodramatic dreams about evil red-eyed Catholic "fiends" who are even more horrifying because they're NICE, but she knows that they're evil because... they didn't do anything to her or the Cullens.

But of course, Edturd is there as an angel. Excuse me.

Better now.

New Moon Chapter 22

So Demetri leaves them in the hotel lobby and rushes off for lunch, since probably the Volturi leaders have eaten all the juiciest humans already.

New Moon Chapter 21


I'm so happy when a suspenseless cliffhanger deposits us on something totally unexciting.

New Moon Chapter 20

So they try to drive through the Italian streets, with Alice doing dangerous maneuvers and Bella whining like a siren. Apparently Smeyer has never been in an old historical city, because their streets aren't generally ones you can weave insanely in. They tend to be more.... crazy narrow.

New Moon Chapter 19

Okay, we have to address a major problem in this book… well, besides the ones that have already come up. See, Stephenie Meyer is Mormon. That's not a problem itself, since I like works by a lot of prominent Mormon authors, like Shannon Hale, James Dashner, and even Orson Scott Card (despite him being kinda batshit and a bigot). Brandon Sanderson is one of my favorite high fantasy authors since EVER. He's a genius.

And all those people are very talented. Also, they are capable of writing works with mass appeal (even though Card sometimes chooses not to) so that you couldn't tell just by reading what religion they have or how they choose to observe it.

Not so with Smeyer. Not only is she a shit writer, but you can tell that she belongs to SOME sort of religion, and one of the more repressive "old-fashioned" stripes of that religion as well. Not the ones who pretty much function normally in society, but the ones who cluck about family values and fuss about people making out on TV.

New Moon Chapter 18

It was Jacob, of course. Even blind, Alice wasn’t slow.

No, the slow one is YOU, Bella. I've seen gastropods who had faster brains than you.

So Jacob is keeping himself calm, but he's clearly pissed off that Bella ditched the werewolves for a vampire. I can't blame him. After all, the Cullens skipped town and left Bella to get sucked dry like an orange, and the werewolves have been helping her despite her vampire connections. How does she show her gratitude? "Fuck the werewolves - I've got a vampire to latch onto!"

New Moon Chapter 17

Alas, nobody trying to kill Bella is in the room, because the universe hates me. Instead, it's Alice. She's… just sort of standing there, not moving.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

New Moon Chapter 16

Wait, what am I commenting on? This isn't right. That was supposed to be the end of this miserable story...

New Moon Chapter 15

Hey, remember when this series was all about sparkly vampires? I barely do. I do wonder if Smeyer will get bored with all this werewolfy stuff and go rushing back to Bella being a suicidal vampire groupie!

New Moon Chapter 14

You would expect Bella to be glad to meet the people who saved her from death. You would be wrong. She is completely terrified of those Big Scawy Non-White Werewolves. This allows her to

  1. cower in fear, since she's a weak little woman, and
  2. cling to the hot half-naked guy next to her.

New Moon Chapter 13

To recap: Bella has decided that the werewolves are 100% guilty of several murders, based entirely on circumstantial evidence. And she's conveniently forgotten that Victoria and Laurent exist, or that THEY could be guilty.

New Moon Chapter 12

So now Bella is about to die a horrible and gruesome death… except this is Twilight, and Stephenie Meyer is allergic to action. And Bella is her Sue. FUCK ME, this is going to be horribly anticlimactic, isn't it?

So Bella wakes up because something is scraping her window, and immediately assumes that it must be Victoria and/or Laurent. Um, why would they scratch her window? Wouldn't they just hurtle through and kill her? SCRATCHING THE FUCKING WINDOW IS WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE A FUCKING DOG POLITELY ASKING TO COME INSIDE-

Sorry. I'm just REALLY, REALLY annoyed that Bella is not going to be slowly torn into a thousand tiny pieces. It really rubs me the wrong way when people I hate are threatened with death, but I know they're not going to die because they're Sues. I WANT THEM TO DIE, DAMMITALL!

Back to the story, back to the story.

New Moon Chapter 11 Parody

So the arrival of Laurent causes a massive shift in the narrative here. No longer is the story just about a teen girl whining and moaning about how her boyfriend dumped her, but an exciting life-or-death struggle to evade vampires after being thoughtlessly abandoned.

So I'm going to try to analyze this turning point in the story.

New Moon Chapter 11

In case you're wondering where the April Fools chapter went, it's right here.

What happens in this chapter? Well, you know all that buildup to Victoria wanting to attack Bella, and Laurent prowling around wanting to kill her?

Yeah, that has nothing to do with this chapter. Or... anything else in this book, really. So to anyone expecting a plot here, Smeyer has one thing to say to you: neener neener.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

New Moon Chapter 10

Ten chapters. We are TEN CHAPTERS into this steaming pile of... of Twilight. And like the previous book, there is not a single hint of an actual plot yet.

New Moon Chapter 9

So because there is NOTHING in the (Twishite) universe more fascinating than Bella, and her favorite topic is herself, we naturally get yet more wanking about her incredibly boring mundane life.

New Moon Chapter 8

Since Bella has no skills and no knowledge whatsoever, we have an ENDLESS scene where Jacob is telling her the basics about the clutch, the brakes, blah blah blah SO DULL AND BORING.

You know, for somebody who dismisses all things technical as being "guys only," Smeyer sure seems obsessed with vehicles. She has a whole friggin' section in her shit-tastic official guide devoted to cars! I assume she thinks it's not properly feminine to be interested in cars, hence her insistence that her Sue totally isn't interested or knowledgeable about them.


New Moon Chapter 7

I wasn't sure what the hell I was doing here

GASP! The H-E-double-hockey-sticks word! Quick, pass the holy water red editing pen so I can purify this profanity-laden book!

New Moon Chapter 6

THE MOTORCYCLES DIDN'T NEED TO BE HIDDEN ANY further than simply placing them in Jacob's shed.

... so why did he take time out to hide them in the BUSHES first?

New Moon Chapter 5

So since the last chapter wasn't ass-numbingly dull enough, we now join Bella at her boring, boring retail job. Yes, I do want to shoot myself.

New Moon Chapter 4

New Moon sucked, it was the worst book ever, the end. There, I'm done snarking.

No, I'm sick of this. I mean, FOUR BLANK PAGES? FOUR BLANK PAGES? All because you're a shitty writer who can't manage to write characters who do NOT suck, and who are capable of handling things like ACTUAL PEOPLE?! I'm going to pretend that Bella just slit her bony wrists at the end of Chapter 3, and that the following pages are the publisher not knowing what the hell to put on stuff they had already prepped for the book.


Tuesday, August 11, 2015

New Moon Chapter 3.5

So when we last left our annoyingly over-the-top emo protagonist Bella Swan, she had just had a massive emogasm, wandered off into the woods, and got the entire town in an uproar because they all care SO much about her well-being. Why? Because her boyfriend dumped her ass. And for good measure, he also removed all the crap he gave her and the photos she took of him.

I bet he's glad he didn't give her a car NOW. It might be a little easier to trace, and a little harder to explain away how it is no longer hers. "Uh yes, officer, the car IS in her name. But since I paid for it, I just decided to take it back."

New Moon Chapter 3

So the next morning, Edward is weird and distant... again. Bella freaks out because he's weird and distant. Then they go to school. Edward is weird and distant, and Bella continues freaking out because he's weird and distant.

... is this what passes for character drama?

Pictured: my face during this chapter

New Moon Chapter 2

Even thought Bella previously claimed that she was looking at six suddenly ravenous vampires, in this chapter she claims that Carlisle was not the only one who stayed calm.

New Moon Chapter 1

So we open with our protagonist Bawla Wan standing in the sunlight with her grandmother, who is dead. So either ghosts/zombies just got added to this series, Bawla's granny is a vampire, or she is dreaming as she suspects.

New Moon Preface

Did you ever accomplish something, and you feel like you're on top of the world? You're about to scream that stupid cliche line that Leonard Dicaprio yelled in Titanic, and run around telling everybody that HOORAY you have triumphed where only a few have triumphed before...

... and then you realize you still have three more Twilight books to go.

Twilight Epilogue

This is it, my friends! The end of Twishite Twitlight Twilite Twilight! This is the last chapter! THE LAST CHAPTER HALLELUJAH! THE END! FINITO!

No wait, I shouldn't celebrate yet! I mean, I haven't yet done the last chapter, so I should do that before I celebrate.

Twilight Chapter 24

So like the last few chapters which had Paolini openers and closers, this chapter opens with Bella waking up. Shock. And since she's Bella, she immediately finds stuff to bitch about:The wall beside me was covered in long vertical blinds; over my head, the glaring lights blinded me. I was propped up on a hard, uneven bed — a bed with rails. The pillows were flat and lumpy. There was an annoying beeping sound somewhere close by. I hoped that meant I was still alive. Death shouldn't be this uncomfortable.

Cherubs flew by to sprinkle me with rose petals. The sound of heralds trumpeting the news of my awakening sounded, and God himself wept tears of joy. It was annoying.

Eclipse Preface

I'm just going to be really nitpicky and pedantic: this should be called a prologue, not a preface. A "preface" is usually an INTRODUCTION to a book. It's sort of like the introductory paragraph of an essay, giving an idea of what the overall work is about.

This is not an introduction or a preceding sum-up. This is a teaser.

But I suspect Smeyer doesn't read nonfiction... or anything else that doesn't dazzle her with hawt menz. So she's probably never read a preface in her life.

Twilight Chapter 23

We're almost done, people! We're almost finished with this epic shitpile! There's only TWO MORE chapters after this one, and I am done with Twilight forevermore! Can I get an amen? AMEN!

Monday, August 10, 2015

Twilight Chapter 22

It had taken much less time than I'd thought — all the terror, the despair, the shattering of my heart.

It took about five seconds max. Kind of a long time for someone with no emotional depth.

Twilight Chapter 21

So we return a few hours later, also still in the middle of the night. Jasper and Alice are still audibly talking and the TV is still on. Is there a REASON they're watching CNN 24/7, or is it on just for the background noise?

Twilight Chapter 20

So without any transition, Bella wakes up. She's in a boring bland generic hotel room, which matches her personality perfectly. Also, so much for her insistence that she's totally old enough to have her own place, since they're holing up in a Motel 6.

Twilight Chapter 19

So they get to Bella's house, and now it's time for the BIG EMOTIONAL MOMENT.

Twilight Chapter 18

So the evil vampires have arrived. To be Evil. And Do Evil Things. Screwit, the last shreds of subtlety just screamed and died.

Twilight Chapter 17

So now, for some reason Edward is driving back to Bella's house... and no, there's no lead in to this. In one scene, they're talking about playing baseball, and in the next they're driving around with no connection between them and no dialogue or narrative to tell us what the hell is going on. It's very disorienting. Would it kill Smeyers to just have Bawla say, "I told him I had to go home and get some pants"?

But HORRORZ! It turns out that Jacob and his dad are already at the house! Imagine that - family friends VISITING HER HOUSE on a weekend! It's just unheard of!

Twilight Chapter 16

So Edward and Bella go into Carlisle's office, and since Vampires Are Smart and Only Smart People Read Books, it's full of bookshelves and Carlisle is in the middle of reading a big fat book. Man, this book is unsubtle.

Twilight Chapter 15

So Bawla wakes up and finds that Edward is sitting in the rocking chair. I don't know why the rocking chair was even there since she apparently never uses it.

Twilight Chapter 14

So we open with Edward driving, and he's perfect and his driving is perfect and he's hot and he stares at Bella even though she has the charisma of a wet sponge.

Twilight Chapter 13

I still can't get over the fact that we are halfway through this turd. HALFWAY! And I am just so BORED. I mean, even with The Eye of Argon SOMETHING was going on even if it was stupid and nonsensical and insane. Even Brisingr is better than this!

For cryin' out loud, what is the point of a vampire book without blood, death and SOME kind of supernatural threat?

Twilight Chapter 12

So the beginning of this chapter is actually semi-decent... mainly because people other than Bella show up. I think I've figured out why Bawla never socializes with anybody: when other non-vampire people who actually have dialogue are interacting, she just... fades into the woodwork.

Twilight Chapter 11

In case anyone is wondering, this book has twenty-four chapters, an epilogue and a prologue. So, we're coming awfully close to the halfway mark... and to date, NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. Okay, to be fair, a few things have happened... but they're not plot. They're just one-off perils so Bella can be rescued.

And sadly, I'm not seeing that trend changing anytime soon.

Twilight Chapter 10

You know, I can read Lord of the Rings in a week, Little Women in a day, and if real life stopped intruding I could go through books like a forest fire. This book? It's like reading Ulysses after hitting yourself on the head with a hammer.

Pretend that the Junior clips are from Twilight.

Twilight Chapter 9

So Edward is speeding down the street and Bella starts whining about asking another question. Yeah, she's figured out that this guy is a sparklepire, and yet somehow her biggest question is: "you said you knew I hadn't gone into the bookstore, and that I had gone south. I was just wondering how you knew that." It's probably the chip in her head.

Twilight Chapter 8

Jess drove faster than the Chief,

... Chief of what? The Quileutes? A Scottish clan? A member of the New Zealand rugby team? Noel Gallagher?

Twilight Chapter 7

I'm presuming that Bawla is now at home, because she's talking about her dad. It's not really clear. Anyway, since Bella is technically female despite her apparent dislike for her own sex, she notes that: There was a basketball game on that he was excited about, though of course I had no idea what was special about it, so he wasn't aware of anything unusual in my face or tone.

Because girls are unable to appreciate sports or have any tolerance for men's fascination with them. Because that is a MAN thing, and there must be no overlap. Women cook and faint and serve the men, and the men sit around like sacks of mildewed grain, watching sports and burping.

Twilight Chapter 6

It's tiiiiiiiime for the inevitable infodump. Having dropped countless hints about Edturd that really don't amount to ANY logical conclusion, Smeyers decides to finally reveal what's what. And yes, it will be completely unsatisfying.

Twilight Chapter 5

Apparently to reinforce that bickering with Hot Rich Boy is a big deal, Bawla goes meandering off to English class and fails to notice that everybody is already sitting down with their books open. I'm sure she's smarter than the teacher anyway.

Twilight Chapter 4

In my dream it was very dark, and what dim light there was seemed to be radiating from Edward's skin.

Ah, so now we have the answer: Edward is a radioactive mutant. Suddenly everything makes sense!

Twilight Chapter 3

When I opened my eyes in the morning, something was different.

Don't tell me - the continuous droning whine has stopped.

Twilight Chapter 2

The next day was better… and worse.

Sadly, such is not the case with this chapter. It's just worse and... worse. Bawla manages to not be quite as emo about the horrors of attending a new school and living in a rainy clime, and she even deigns to remember a few names from the common sheep.

Twilight Chapter 1

So our heroin... our protag... our main character is a girl named Bella, who is apparently leaving Arizona on a plane to go to a boring town. There's the not-so-subtle vibe that her destination is unworthy of such an awesome personage as herself.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

Twilight Preface

I'd never given much thought to how I would die — though I'd had reason enough in the last few months — but even if I had, I would not have imagined it like this.

This is actually a fairly cool if needlessly dramatic way to open a book. For one thing, a brief glimpse of the dust jacket tells us two reasons why this is way too dramatic:

  1. This book involves vampires. Vampires are allegedly the undead. Therefore you die if you become one of them.
  2. Bella is a Mary Sue, and therefore she will live on forever. Like nail fungus, funky smells and Mick Jagger.

Midnight Sun Chapter 3

Holy shit, this book has long chapters.

So anyway, Eddie has decided to go hunting for... whatever they eat. I don't know if Smeyers has bothered to tell us in this book, but I certainly don't remember her mentioning what self-important emo vampires eat. I guess there's the assumption that you'll know this detail if you've read the previous books. Bad idea. While it's annoying when authors recount EVERY SINGLE LITTLE DETAIL in their books, this is a pretty major one.

Midnight Sun Chapter 2

So Eddie is somewhere… snowy. With stars and stuff. Thanks for the transition wherein we find out where he is and why he's there, and the landscape descriptions for a sense of where we are. Meyers would apparently rather give us nonsensical purple prose.

Midnight Sun Chapter 1

So, this book is an opportunity to start anew with Stephenie Meyer's characters. How? Because THIS one doesn't have Bawla Wan as the main character and narrator! HUZZAH!

So who is the main character?

I am experiencing chagrin.

The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner Introduction

No two writers go about things in exactly the same way.

Yes, some of them actually write likable characters and complex plots instead of just masturbating on the keyboard.

The Host Chapter 1

So now we switch over to Goa'uld Sue's perspective, which is a lot less entertaining than it sounds.

Now imagine that with fairy wings, a unicorn horn and rainbow hair!

The Host Prologue

The Healer’s name was Fords Deep Waters.

Because making up individual names of an actual alien species would be too tough. I assume the intention here is to imply that the aliens don't have names so much as applicable descriptions that define who they are... but since it isn't said explicitly, I'll just assume that they have silly names.

Love Is Hell

Wow, I wonder if this will be a crappy paranormal story. Oh come on, it's in a book called Prom Nights From Hell, and since prom-age paranormal crap is what she excels at. Even worse: Stephenie Meyer, having raped vampires, now turns her attentions to demons and angels.

And you know what? This story makes Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny look theologically valid.

I mean, at least Beelzeboss is kinda scary, and he's threatening to do genuinely horrible things to people! Which he makes clear instead of... not telling us.

Female Force - Stephenie Meyer Part 1

... or, All About A Female With No Force

You may have heard about this truly awful comic book in the past - it was part of a four-comic cycle that Bluewater Productions put out about the Twilight author and actors. Who are Bluewater Productions? Well, they are a comic book company who put out two kinds of comic books:

  • Schlock like Vincent Price Presents, Wrath of the Titans, and cash-ins on already-existing franchises.
  • Fawning one-off comics about popular celebrities and political figures.

Twilight - The Movie Part 2

I was planning to do this movie in ten-minute increments, but honestly it takes way too long to slog through this while snarking it thoroughly. So I'm going to do five minute increments, at least for the moment.

Anyway, Stewart makes this bizarre face and noise, almost like she had an orgasm she didn't expect. Of course the purple-prosey way Bawla describes Edward in the book, maybe Bella DID have an orgasm and this is just Stewart's wooden way of showing it.

Twilight - The Movie Part 1

Moss-draped. Shadow-drenched. Tortured tree trunks twist upward, reaching for rare sunlight.

Damn, even the trees in this movie are emo and hate the only temperate rainforest in the WORLD.

Edward Cullen Is Coming To Town

... He sees you when you're sleeping, so get an effing restraining order!

by SatireKnight

Everybody has heard the classic "Santa Claus is Coming To Town" carol, but I've always gotten a creepy vibe from hearing about how Santa is always watching you. Santa = Big Brother! He is always watching! He monitors your behavior, and deviation from his will MEANS PUNISHMENT! Bend to Santa's will!

My Immortal Chapter 8

AN: stop flassing ok! if u do den u r a prep!

Yes! Goffs need no dental hygiene!

My Immortal Chapter 7

I actually wasn't making up the "his dick in a box" thing. That's basically what Draco has called away Enoby for... minus the box.

The Immortal Chapter 6

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!


Promises, promises.

My Immortal Chapter 5

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr!

An u ken probbly spel rite 2!

Yeah, her logic is that her abysmal fanfic will only be despised by people who are the sworn enemy of mallgoths/mallpunks: PREPS AND POSERS! If you're a middle-class suburban kid with no real problems but lots of angst, you will automatically LOVE this clusterfuck.

My Immortal Chapter 4

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK!

... see, this is one of the reasons I thought that this might be a parody. How do you manage to constantly misspell your character's NAME.

My Immortal Chapter 3

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws!

I wonder how many of those good reviews were sarcastic.

My Immortal Chapter 2

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!

I can assure you, this is something you'll be hearing a LOT of. Like, every single chapter.

My Immortal Chapter 1

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik)

You're GOFFIK? Wow, I never would have guessed. Glory hallelujah, now I know how to pattern my life from here on!

Vampire Kisses Chapter 3

First off, our little Hot Topic gawthe emphasizes that she is TOTALLY not like every other girl in the world, because they all obviously care deeply about their sixteenth birthday and make it into an artificial milestone. She's so different and unique! She's very unusual! She's totally NOT like every other whiny faux-goth in the world! Please believe her!

Vampire Kisses Chapter 2

The official welcome sign to my town should read, "Welcome to Dullsville—bigger than a cave, but small enough to feel claustrophobic!"

Then Gawthe Sue should feel right at home there - it's larger than her brain, and far wider than her mind. Of course, her ego is easily the size of Philly, so I doubt THAT would fit.

Vampire Kisses Chapter 1

I didn't think a vampire love story could actually be more banal and Mary Suish than Twilight. Shows what I know.

Vampire Victim

I didn't wanna bundle this with the Guilty Pleasures comics, mainly because it has nothing to do with them. So I'm going to review this little turd on its own!

The First Death 2 Part 2

In case you've forgotten, two different characters in these comic books have dribbled about how awesome Anita is because she doesn't just wait for the police to capture, tie up and bring a vampire to her so she can kill it. Oh no, she's the Awesome Vampire Hunter who goes out and does the hunting herself, because she is AWESOME.

So of course, what happens when a vampire needs to be executed?

The First Death 2 Part 1

Well, ladies and gents, it's now time for another comic book from the Anita Blake: Mother Beater series, with lots of stunningly amateurish artwork and exciting... talking. Yay. Hand me a gun, please.

The First Death 1 Part 2

Where was I? Oh yeah, the "quiet" room.

The First Death 1 Part 1

Warning: These images are selected from the official release, and I'm using them solely for the purpose of reviewing. All rights belong to LKH and Marvel. Please don't hotlink to these images, but to the main page.

The Anita Blake series is one of several paranormal/urban fantasy series that recently got turned into comic books, and provided some prequel material for the fans. It got cancelled recently... but that's neither here nor there. The point is that The First Death was intended to show Anita's first assignment as a vampire hunter and how she got to know Edward and Jean-Claude. We were supposed to see Anita as a wide-eyed green rookie who was just figuring out the ropes.

Well, it's a lot less impressive than it sounds. Edward immediately hops onto the fanboy train, Jean-Claude's appearance is ridiculously pointless, and Anita acts exactly the same as she does in Guilty Pleasures. She's also ridiculously ineffectual during the climax.

But anyway, on to the fun ride that is The First Death.

Guilty Pleasures Part 1

So, here we are in the very first comic book based on the Anita Blake series, based on the very first book in this not-pioneering-urban-fantasy series.