New Moon Chapter 3.5

So when we last left our annoyingly over-the-top emo protagonist Bella Swan, she had just had a massive emogasm, wandered off into the woods, and got the entire town in an uproar because they all care SO much about her well-being. Why? Because her boyfriend dumped her ass. And for good measure, he also removed all the crap he gave her and the photos she took of him.

I bet he's glad he didn't give her a car NOW. It might be a little easier to trace, and a little harder to explain away how it is no longer hers. "Uh yes, officer, the car IS in her name. But since I paid for it, I just decided to take it back."



So anyway, I'm wondering what this half-chapter has for us. Perhaps Smeyer will show Bella going through the post-breakup blues and explore the tumultuous emotions of teenage life. Perhaps she'll have Bella realize that her "love" for Edward was nothing but teen hormones, and she needs to find a healthy equal relationship with someone who actually gives a shit about her. Maybe she'll devote time and energy to fleshing out her characters into realistic, engaging people, and refine her vampire mythology into something frightening yet heart-wrenching. Maybe New Moon is when this series suddenly evolves into the new Vampire Chronicles.

YEAH RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



So anyway, enough stalling. Let's see what this stinker has for us.



OCTOBER

Whoops, I seem to be reading a defective copy of New Moon. This is just a blank spot with nothing written under it at all. Haha, I'm sure there was an error on the publisher's part. I think I shall write them a letter telling them that they accidentally printed copies of this book with a blank page that shows nothing but the month name.

But first, I'll read the rest of the chapter.

NOVEMBER
... wait, this was deliberate? They didn't accidentally print a calendar in this book, instead of the actual stuff? Stephenie Meyer actually got PAID to turn in blank pages?

Ohhhhhhh wait. This is... SYMBOLISM.



Apparently each blank page represents an ENTIRE MONTH which is SO bleak and empty without Edturd that it simply doesn't matter at ALL. Yes, Bella's life is UTTERLY empty without him, and there's simply nothing to record AT ALL.

That nuclear meltdown? Doesn't matter.

The serial killer targeting annoying teenage girls? Totally not relevent.

The alien invasion? Not interesting.

Why? BECAUSE EDWARD'S NOT HERE WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH...


DECEMBER

You know, I didn't think we NEEDED any more proof that Smeyer is a royally fucked-up person. I got that. But we have it anyway.

Yes, apparently Bella is SO FUCKING OBSESSED with Edward that she is literally unable to cope with life without him, and she basically BLANKS OUT FOUR FUCKING MONTHS. People get over the deaths of their loved ones faster than that! Apparently that is the sort of relationship we should aspire to have - if we get dumped, we should be so devastated that we actually STOP FUNCTIONING and consider our lives OVER. Codependent much?

No, no... you know what? I refuse to let New Moon's BLANK PAGES get to me that much. I will not let empty pieces of paper bother me just by their existence. I refuse! So instead, I am going to show you adorable pictures of little animals having fun.


Sparklier than Edward!


Ratty is blinded by the sparkling of Edward's butt.


"I no haz read Twilight. I happier than you!"

JANUARY


I mean, I might as well do THIS.



I mean, it has nothing to do with New Moon or the franchise in general, but NEITHER DO THESE PAGES.



I mean when you consider the number of copies of this book printed... imagine how many trees might still be alive if Smeyer had just done the NORMAL thing and had the next chapter start with "Four months later!"



Actually, imagine how many FORESTS would still be alive, thriving and converting carbon dioxide into oxygen if Smeyer had just done what most sexually frustrated housewives do, and kept her weird fetishes and wet dreams about teenage boys to herself.



Seriously, I'm not a Potter fan, but I'm thinking back with nostalgia on how we used to be bludgeoned 24/7 with hype about teenage wizard Sues instead of sparkling vampire Sues. That was SO much better.



I am in my happy place with the fuzzy adorable animals. I will not simmer with unbridled rage because Smeyer is jamming her insane ideas about a healthy loving relationship up my nose.



Lalalalala, hmmhmhmmmmmm.... not simmering with rage. Enjoying the cute fuzzy animals, CUTE FUZZY ANIMALS, LALALALALA RRRRRGGGHHHHHH YARRRRRGGGGHHHHH IF I EVER MEET THAT WOMAN, I WILL BURN HER BOOKS RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER "DUUUURRRRR" MOON-FACE!!!!!!!! RAGE MURDER KILL DEATH BLOOD PAIN KNIVES MURDER KILLKILLKILL...