Monday, August 10, 2015

Twilight Chapter 9

So Edward is speeding down the street and Bella starts whining about asking another question. Yeah, she's figured out that this guy is a sparklepire, and yet somehow her biggest question is: "you said you knew I hadn't gone into the bookstore, and that I had gone south. I was just wondering how you knew that." It's probably the chip in her head.

"I thought we were past all the evasiveness," I grumbled.

Evasive maneuvers! Evasive maneuvers! Mary Sue off the port bow! Abandon ship! Abandon ship!

So Eddie finally confesses that he "followed your scent." Since Bella doesn't pursue this immediately, I guess it means she needs to tone down on the perfume. So instead she does what she does best: she whines like a malfunctioning dryer with a cat inside, about how Eddie failed to answer some of her other questions.

"How does it work — the mind-reading thing? Can you read anybody's mind, anywhere? How do you do it? Can the rest of your family… ?" I felt silly, asking for clarification on make-believe.

  1. Look, either it's "make believe" or it's for real.
  2. If it's make-believe, why do YOU actually think it exists, other than the possibility of being crazy?
  3. And if it's NOT make-believe, why are you STILL WANKING ON IN DENIAL?

And I STILL don't know how Bella is supposed to have figured out the mind-reading thing. I mean, it's not like she witnesses him saying, "So-and-so wants That Guy to meet her under the bleachers for SLUTTY SLUT SLUT makeouts" or "Mike is fantasizing about raping an emu." He hadn't said a thing to make her believe he can read minds!

So Eddie says that he's the only one in his creepy little family who can read minds, that he can only read minds from a few miles away max, and that familiarity helps him focus on individual thoughts from larger distances. Bella, of course, does not react at all to the fact that "make believe" has just been confirmed as reality. She just sits there.

"It's a little like being in a huge hall filled with people, everyone talking at once. It's just a hum — a buzzing of voices in the background. Until I focus on one voice, and then what they're thinking is clear."

This makes logical sense. The problem is that if Midnight Sun is anything to go by, Eddie is LYING. In that book, we see FIRSTHAND that he does not hear just a hum, he spies on other people's thoughts ALL THE TIME.

"Most of the time I tune it all out — it can be very distracting. And then it's easier to seem normal" — he frowned as he said the word — "when I'm not accidentally answering someone's thoughts rather than their words."

  1. Again, he doesn't tune it out in Midnight Sun. So either Smeyers forgot about that, or Eddie is lying to seem more "moral." Again, both are viable possibilities.
  2. Ugh, the horror of "normal"! There's nothing worse than being "normal," folks. But remember, you shouldn't be NON-normal by having a great personality, being smart or having talen... just be bland and bitchy like Bella!

Since it's been a whole page since we were reminded of Bella's Super-Spesul Snowflakiness, the subject comes up of why Eddie can't hear her thoughts. And of course, Smeyers puts this in the Suiest way possible: "The only guess I have is that maybe your mind doesn't work the same way the rest of theirs do." You, Bella, are the ONLY PERSON EVER to have this quality, and your mind ALONE of EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON EARTH, works in a Speshul Cool Way! Aren't you speshul?! Aren't you unique?! Cue sexual tension!

"My mind doesn't work right? I'm a freak?"

Nope, too easy.

The words bothered me more than they should — probably because his speculation hit home. I'd always suspected as much, and it embarrassed me to have it confirmed.

... just like every teenager in the world. What a Speshul Snowflake.

And for the record, I call bullshit. We have NEVER seen any indication that Bella thinks she's a "freak" in this book, just a paragraph-long whine about how she doesn't fit in, boohoo. It wouldn't be unreasonable for Bella to be bothered by the idea that her mind is weird, but trotting out the "I iz so diffrunt!" wangst on cue is just stupid.

"I hear voices in my mind and you're worried that you're the freak," he laughed.

Haha, how funny. How old is this guy again?

"Which brings us back to you."

Doesn't everything in this series? Seriously, is there anything in this series that doesn't somehow link to "Bella is speshul and unique and wonderful"?

I sighed. How to begin?
"Aren't we past all the evasions now?" he reminded me softly.

... wait, what? Why is the conversation suddenly shifting from the VAMPIRE to the blobby high-school girl who has literally nothing interesting about her? I mean, what is Eddie planning to ask? "What's your favorite kind of potato?"

Since Smeyer can't come up with any interesting questions about her Sue, she instead has Bella notice that Edward is going waaaaaayyyy too fast.

"Holy crow!" I shouted. "Slow down!"

Because it's SO likely that a modern urban teenager would use pseudo-curses under stress.

So Edward doesn't see what the fuss is even though he's going a hundred MPH. Wanna bet the backseat is overflowing with speeding tickets, since traffic cameras can pick up cars going at that speed? Or does Edward just "dazzle" any cops who dare to pull him over?

"Are you trying to kill us?" I demanded.
"We're not going to crash."

"... because physics is MY BITCH. Obviously a two-ton hunk of steel traveling at a hundred miles per hour is going to do EXACTLY as I want at all times, and turning the wheel fast enough will suddenly change momentum. PHYSICS!"

Apparently Eddie drives like a drunken maniac all the time, and doesn't even look at the road. Yet magically, "I've never been in an accident, Bella — I've never even gotten a ticket." He grinned and tapped his forehead. "Built-in radar detector."

  1. That's... just... STUPID.
  2. Exactly how do mind-reading mental powers allow you to detect a MECHANICAL DEVICE? Most radar is unmanned, meaning that Edward's Magical Sue Mind-Reading Sparklepowers would NOT tell him ahead of time.
  3. Two words: traffic cameras.
  4. So Edward is supposed to have lived in different places, but somehow NONE of them have radar traffic monitoring?
  5. Okay, say for the sake of Smeyers' crappy storytelling that ALL the radar in EVERY place Edward has lived was nothing more than radar guns held by cops. He STILL would be caught. Think about it:
    • He can only detect a human mind a few miles away at MOST, and that's for people he KNOWS.
    • He drives at a hundred MPH.
    • It would take a VERY long time to safely slow down from a hundred MPH to, say, twenty-five or thirty (typical for a country back-road).
    • Even hitting the brakes would be an instant skidfest, and you probably wouldn't be able to slow down before being detected.

So basically, even under the most favorable conditions, Eddie should STILL have a mountain of speeding tickets, fines, and possible confiscation of his car. But since driving dangerously is KEWL, it's never gonna be a problem for Meyers' "perfect" wet dream man.

So Bella starts whining about how her dad is a cop and she "was raised to abide by traffic laws." Whatever.

"Besides, if you turn us into a Volvo pretzel around a tree trunk, you can probably just walk away."
"Probably," he agreed with a short, hard laugh. "But you can't."

Have I mentioned lately that Edward is really dickish? A lot?

So Edward slows down to a mere EIGHTY miles an hour, and whines that he doesn't like driving slow. Is there an actual REASON he's supposed to like going at dangerous speeds, or is this some sort of artificial tension-builder?

"Enough commentary on my driving," he snapped. "I'm still waiting for your latest theory."
I bit my lip. He looked down at me, his honey eyes unexpectedly gentle.

Because snapping at people and gentle eyes go together like peanut butter and jelly.

So Bella whines, Edward listens, and so on. It's very boring, actually, and Bella comes across as this cowardly mewling creature who is deadly afraid of Edward being pissed at her.

"What got you started — a book? A movie?" he probed.

... yes, because vampires in typical books and movies (pre-Twilight) can saunter around in the daylight, have no fangs, read minds, and act like emo brats with nothing better to do than hang around a high school. That is how they're usually depicted. Of course. Only in Smeyers' world. It doesn't shock me to know that this woman claims to shun actual vampire books, because she knows nothing about common depictions.

But no, Bella basically says that Jacob told her everything, including mentioning the Cullens by name... presumably because Bella, as an Anita Blake-lite, could not find her own backside with Googlemaps. She also comes up with one of the worst lies you can possibly imagine: "He just thought it was a silly superstition," I said quickly. "He didn't expect me to think anything of it." It didn't seem like enough; I had to confess. "It was my fault, I forced him to tell me."

Uhhhh, you don't usually consider stories to merely be "silly superstitions" if they specifically mention people who live IN THE NEXT TOWN. This is a pretty lame lie. And really, why should he believe her SECOND excuse if she only just stopped lying?

Bella then admits that she flirted with Jacob to get him to tell her stuff. Which is still a hugely bitchy thing to do.

"I tried to flirt — it worked better than I thought it would." Disbelief colored my tone as I remembered.

I still think it was all about the pity. I mean, when someone is making THAT big a fool of themselves... pity is inevitable.

"And you accused me of dazzling people — poor Jacob Black."

See that implication? See it? Bella is sooper-attractive! She's so gorgeous that she "dazzles" people just like Edward! But she's humble so she doesn't know it!

"I did some research on the Internet."
"And did that convince you?"

"Nah, I decided you were all fairies because there's really nothing vampirelike about you. Some actual fairies were better vampires than you!"

"No. Nothing fit. Most of it was kind of silly. And then…" I stopped.

"... then I realized that thousands of years of vampire legends were ALL WRONG because it didn't fit MY personal theory. Isn't it great, being a reality-warping genius?"

"I decided it didn't matter," I whispered.

"I decided that whatever supernatural creature you were, you were a total asshole."

But no, Bella starts wibbling that it doesn't matter to her what he is.

"You don't care if I'm a monster? If I'm not human!"

"You don't care if I'm a vampire?"
"You don't care that I want to feast on your blood?"
"No, that's so sexy."
"You don't care if I'm an asshole?"
"No, I love that."
"You don't care if I'm a stalker?"
"No, I love that even more!"
"You don't care that I treat you with contempt at all times?"
"No, that's hot!"
"You don't care if I'm gay?"
"No... wait, what?"

So Edward is pissed and demands to know what she means by "it doesn't matter." Bella's brilliant response?

"I'm right?" I gasped.

Can we just crown Stephenie Meyer the princess of filler? I'd call her the queen, but I've read LKH's Danse Macabre, which nearly made me shoot myself. Anyway, back to Smeyers. At least half the dialogue in this book is COMPLETELY POINTLESS. Sometimes it sounds like Bella is on drugs and just rambling incoherently about whatever was talked about already...

... wait, where was I? Oh yeah, I was trying to blot out the bad dialogue that I now have to review.

So what does Edward do? Well, the normal response would be to ask, "So why doesn't it matter to you? I mean, what is there that makes you not care about the killer vampire thing?" Sadly, this is Twilight, so instead we get this:

"Not really." I paused. "But I am curious." My voice, at least, was composed.
He was suddenly resigned. "What are you curious about?"

So, all he cares about is answering her miserable question, not finding out what the hell is wrong with her? This guy must be on drugs too.

"How old are you?"
"Seventeen," he answered promptly.
"And how long have you been seventeen?"
His lips twitched as he stared at the road. "A while," he admitted at last.

Wow, that was, like, so deep and cool. I mean, he's saying that because, like, he's a vampire so he's automatically OLD, but he LOOKS seventeen. So, like he SAYS he's seventeen, but because he's a vampire, he like, says he's been seventeen for "a while." This is so COOL and witty! This is clearly on par with the greats!

... kill me!

I smiled, pleased that he was still being honest with me.

That is not honesty, asshat. That is an evasion.

He stared down at me with watchful eyes, much as he had before, when he was worried I would go into shock. I smiled wider in encouragement, and he frowned.

"Shit, this chick is obviously out of her gourd. I mean, I just told her that I'm a vampire and she's sitting there grinning at me like a lobotomy patient getting tickled. Maybe I SHOULD crash the car."

And since Smeyers hasn't yet finished crapping all over five thousand years of vampire mythology - and despite Bella's insistence that all that vampire research was TOTALLY inaccurate - she drops another steaming load on traditional vampire legends. Presumably this is because they're not sexy.

"Don't laugh — but how can you come out during the daytime?"
He laughed anyway. "Myth."

... mainly because otherwise Bella, who has no social life and no interesting habits, would never meet him.

"Burned by the sun?"

Dammit. I was counting on that.

"Sleeping in coffins?"
"Myth." He hesitated for a moment, and a peculiar tone entered his voice. "I can't sleep."

Well, that explains a lot. Lack of sleep = lack of dreams, and lack of dreams = people to go pants-on-head stupid and completely batshit insane. Now, if only I knew what the excuse was for Bawla.

For some reason, this is hugely shocking to Bella. Vampires? She can accept that pretty fast. Vampires who defy all the established conventions? Just fine. Super-speed and super-strength? Totally believed. Vampires who don't sleep? NOW THAT IS JUST FAR FETCHED!

"You haven't asked me the most important question yet."

"Okay, I'll ask it.... are you gay?"
"Wait, no... what? Not that one!"

"You aren't concerned about my diet?" he asked sarcastically.
"Oh," I murmured, "that."

Yes, that. That minor inconvenient flaw about.... oh, killing people by sucking out their blood. Yes, that is a SLIGHT crimp in the sheer perfection of the sparklepires. So of course, it hadn't even crossed Bella's tiny mind that this might be a problem, because she is an idiot who can only think about how hot and perfect Edward is.

"Yes, that." His voice was bleak. "Don't you want to know if I drink blood?"
I flinched. "Well, Jacob said something about that."

"He said you're all hopeless Suefied wusses, which means you'd never do anything as morally ambiguous as sucking human blood." "I'M TERRIFYING! FEAR ME!"

"He said you didn't… hunt people. He said your family wasn't supposed to be dangerous because you only hunted animals."

... unless they get hungry and smell someone yummy. Then they hunt humans. And if a Cullen DOES slip up, they just move away and Carlisle is sad for a split second. That's all the repercussions there are.

... wait, it's said earlier in the book that they only moved there a few years back. They lived in Alaska before! So... this one family moved to the Forks area a few centuries back, fought against evil vampires... moved.... and came back in the 21st century to the EXACT SAME LOCATION. They don't have a lot of imagination, do they? I mean, if I were an immortal with unlimited resources, I'd move to slightly more varied locations. Iceland, here I come!

"He said you weren't supposed to be dangerous. But the Quileutes still didn't want you on their land, just in case."

Yes, I'm sure that's the reason.

"So was he right? About not hunting people?" I tried to keep my voice as even as possible.
"The Quileutes have a long memory," he whispered.

So even Edward is ashamed of how incredibly wussy this makes him look?

In fact, he's so ashamed that he starts blabbering about how incredibly dangerous he and the other vampires are. Please note: they haven't done ANYTHING in this book that is even remotely dangerous, and it's established in Midnight Sun that actually nobody pays attention to Dangerous Edward and his Aura Of A Killer. In fact, it will be the third book before he does anything even remotely dangerous... and even then, he'll be outshone by EVERYONE ELSE IN THE CAST. Including characters we barely know.

"This is a mistake?" I heard the sadness in my voice, but I didn't know if he could as well.
"A very dangerous one," he murmured.

I am totally not trying to get into your panties with my Bad Boy Act. I'm just warning you because I am JUST SO DANGEROUS. Orgasm over my dangerous perfection!

I was hideously afraid that I would never have another chance to be with him like this again — openly, the walls between us gone for once. His words hinted at an end, and I recoiled from the idea.

A smart person would put the pieces together, and assume that hinted at an end means "going to pull over and drink me like a cheap juice box." But Bella, of course, sees it all as Intimate Relationship Time.

"Tell me why you hunt animals instead of people," I suggested, my voice still tinged with desperation. I realized my eyes were wet, and I fought against the grief that was trying to overpower me.

I'm a little confused by Bella's sudden empathy with animals, since she doesn't even have empathy for people.

Or is she crying because of the horror of not spending time around Edturd? In that case...

"I don't want to be a monster."

Translation: "I am the most dreaded, most horrific type of vampire - the WANGSTY Vampire. I hate what I am, I whine about it, I never shut up about it, I have bad fashion sense, I'm very nonthreatening and I'm pretty much incapable of focusing on anyone except myself. People with discerning personalities are always telling me to shut up and get over my own ass. I can only be redeemed by falling in love with another Mary Sue that I will turn into my eternal mate."

"I can't be sure, of course, but I'd compare it to living on tofu and soy milk; we call ourselves vegetarians, our little inside joke. It doesn't completely satiate the hunger — or rather thirst."

... wow. Smeyers just managed to insult vegeterians twice in ONE SENTENCE. That was really impressive.

  1. If you're drinking blood from ANYTHING except maple trees, you are not a vegetarian. A vegetarian is somebody, by definition, who doesn't eat meat or anything else from a living creature.
  2. And in case you're wondering, I have encountered some vegetarians who are VERY pissed about this stupid idea.
  3. You wanna be a vegetarian vampire? Suck the life fluids out a V8.
  4. The "inside joke" is as funny as Batman and Robin.
  5. So, she's insisting that tofu and soy milk are incapable of satisfying the people eating them? Hey bitch, I'm no vegetarian but I know that isn't true. Unless you're a dwarf.

So Bella remarks that he's not hungry now... and no, she's not asking. "Your eyes. I told you I had a theory. I've noticed that people — men in particular — are crabbier when they're hungry."
He chuckled. "You are observant, aren't you?"

  1. Yes, because men obviously react more violently to low blood sugar than women. If you bother me when I haven't eaten, I will KICK YOUR ASS AND DEVOUR IT ON A BUN.
  2. Ah, more casual sexism. Women don't get to be crabby, because crabby women are just vile bitches. Men who are crabby are irresistible!
  3. No, she's not observant. It's just that everybody else is even more oblivious - I mean, there's a pretty massive difference between GOLD eyes and PITCH-BLACK eyes. ANYBODY with eyes would notice!
  4. I mean, you pay attention to unusual eyes in general. Say, consider Elijah Wood. I question whether any sighted person could see him in a movie and NOT know that he has blue eyes.
  5. So if you saw eyes that were either COMPLETELY BLACK or bright golden.... methinks you'd notice. And remember.
  6. "Yes, that is totally how it works. You're so observant. So smart. So pretty. So steak-y smelling. Oops, I think we're running low on gas..."

Bella brings up how he recently went hunting with Emmett, and Edward turns on the whining again.

"Yes." He paused for a second, as if deciding whether or not to say something. "I didn't want to leave, but it was necessary. It's a bit easier to be around you when I'm not thirsty."
"Why didn't you want to leave?"

Maybe there's something wrong with me, but if some guy said that he didn't wanna leave me... and found it hard to be around me when he's THIRSTY FOR MY BLOOD... I would not be asking why it is especially hard to be around ME and MY BLOOD. I would probably assume that he wants to be around me because he WANTS TO KILL ME. I would NOT ask why he didn't wanna leave. I would have already GUESSED that.

But since Bella is a fucking idiot, she just assumes, "Ooooo, he likes me back!"

But since this is Smeyers' wet dream, Edward announces that being away from her makes him "anxious," and he spent the last weekend agonizing about whether she'd trip on her own shoelaces and break her neck. Then he starts fussing about the fact that she scraped her hands when she fell down... for no real reason.

"I suppose, being you, it could have been much worse — and that possibility tormented me the entire time I was away. It was a very long three days. I really got on Emmett's nerves."

My question is why Emmett didn't kill him and bury his body in the woods. Can you imagine spending three whole days out in the woods with a wangsty asshat who just keeps wibbling about the new girl at school?

"Three days? Didn't you just get back today?"
"No, we got back Sunday."

Assuming that Sunday still exists. There's no evidence to support it!

So then Bella bitches about him not being in school, because of course she lapses into a manic-depressive funk whenever he isn't at school. Eddie gives her the rather limp excuse that "I can't go out in the sunlight — at least, not where anyone can see." Wow, I wonder why. I'm sure it will be horribly disappointing.

Bella continues bitching about how he didn't call her, and she didn't know where he was, and how it makes her upset when he's not around. Let me remind you that this is maybe the FOURTH conversation these people have had, and they are not even FRIENDS let alone dating. Yet Bella has already transformed into a stalkerish psycho girlfriend who freaks out if she can't constantly clutch onto his leash.

"Ah," he groaned quietly. "This is wrong."

I can agree with that.

I couldn't understand his response. "What did I say?"

No no, it's not what you said, it's the fact that you said anything. You're THAT annoying!

And then Bella gets all whiny because Edward is whining about how she shouldn't be involved, and he doesn't want her to "feel that way." In case you care, the dialogue is getting so cheesy it is painful.

"It's wrong. It's not safe. I'm dangerous, Bella — please, grasp that."
"No." I tried very hard not to look like a sulky child.

"I've gone a whole chapter without openly diminishing the female sex. So I'm going to act like a spoiled brat for no reason! AND be compared to a child! So there!"

"I'm serious," he growled.
"So am I. I told you, it doesn't matter what you are. It's too late."

"You're rich and hot, which means I'm going to obsess about you no matter what you say! As soon as I saw your Visa Infinite Eurasian Diamond Card, it was too late!"

And HOLY SHIT how long is this conversation going to go on?! He's been driving at eighty to a hundred MPH for what seems like HOURS. Just how long IS this drive?

Having claimed that he doesn't want her to be involved in his little vampire melodrama, Edward then takes another step towards getting in her panties by asking what she's thinking and then freaking out because OH NOES she's crying. This, of course, fills the assholish vampire with regret, for he is so unhappy that he has made a girl cry. Can Dracula just come in and kill this worthless disgrace to the vampire name?

And then OH SHIT they start talking again. Seriously, can someone PLEASE shut them up? This entire chapter has been one soul-destroyingly dull, cheesy conversation that just goes ON and ON and never ever ends.

Anyway, for some random reason Edward asks what Bawla was thinking about when he rescued her from the Random Disposable Rapists, since she didn't look scared. Her reply: "I was trying to remember how to incapacitate an attacker — you know, self-defense. I was going to smash his nose into his brain." Excuse me, I just spewed my Coke all over the keyboard at the idea of Bella being anything other than passive and helpless.

And no, Smeyer, you do not get any cred for having your heroine SAY she'll do the action chick thing. If she doesn't even make a move to defend herself, she gets no credit. Talk is cheap.

"You were going to fight them?" This upset him. "Didn't you think about running?"
"I fall down a lot when I run," I admitted.

Oh, how endearingly klutzy and helpless she is. Does she have some kind of inner ear disorder? Did her mother take drugs while she was pregnant? Because nobody is so clumsy that they cannot run in a straight line on a flat surface unless they have some kind of serious medical problem. I was a clumsy teenager and I could easily have done half the stuff Bawla claims is TOOOO HAAAARRDDD for her to do.

"What about screaming for help?"
"I was getting to that part."

"... after I had sat there contemplating how helpless, clumsy and passive I was."

I wonder if Edward will drop her off at home, or whether her crushing, crippling passivity will make him have to drag her physically into the house.

He shook his head. "You were right — I'm definitely fighting fate trying to keep you alive."

Yet another oh-so-subtle way of making sure that Bella is always the center of attention.

We were slowing, passing into the boundaries of Forks. It had taken less than twenty minutes.

Really? It felt like years. I've already grown a long white beard to prove it. In one Harry Dresden book, about twenty minutes is spent on the main character fighting a duel with a monstrous Red Court vampire, being betrayed, rescuing his young daughter, having a massive asskicking fight with more vampires, and WIPING OUT AN ENTIRE FUCKING SPECIES FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH. That is massively awesome.

In Twilight, the same amount of time is devoted to a bland cheesy conversation that resolves exactly NOTHING.

Bella decides to go all PsychoBitchGirlfriend on the spot, and demands to know if she'll see him tomorrow. Apparently she wasn't listening when he said he couldn't go out on sunny days. But Edward announces that he'll definitely be there. I guess he already checked the weather forecast, huh?

It was silly, after everything we'd been through tonight, how that little promise sent flutters through my stomach, and made me unable to speak.

And yet we're told that THIS chick is so mature she makes middle-aged women look like fluttering idiots.

Wait a minute, what is going on here? A minute ago Edward was raving about how dangerous he was and how he didn't want Bawla involved with him and being all dark'n'moody... and now, because she cried a little, he's cheerfully making a lunch date with her? What the fuck is wrong with this guy? Either he's bipolar, a total sociopath, or this is all part of his master plan to finally get laid.

Finally, they get back to Charlie's house, probably with her dad preparing to go search for her since apparently she's supposed to be a "trouble magnet," which has been conveniently ignored by her peers and family. You would think THEY would notice more than Eddie... but oh wait, he wants an excuse to keep stalking her.

"Do you promise to be there tomorrow?"
"I promise."

Double-pinky swear? Seriously, quit being so damn clingy.

I pulled his jacket off, taking one last whiff.

How can Smeyers not realize how incredibly fucking creepy that is?!

Since Bella is Helpless'n'Passive, Edward tells her to keep his jacket because (he assumes) "you don't have a jacket for tomorrow." Why does he think this? No particular reason. He just assumes that she must not have a jacket.

I handed it back to him. "I don't want to have to explain to Charlie."
"Oh, right." He grinned.

Hahaha, because Charlie might assume that they were holding hands. And because he's her dad, he would HULK RAGE if he suspected the daughter he's barely seen since she was a baby had spent any unchaperoned time with a BOY.

I hesitated, my hand on the door handle, trying to prolong the moment.


And then out of the blue, Edward asks her to promise not to go out into the woods alone. Which isn't much of a hardship for Bawla, because the only time she's gone off into the woods by herself was a few chapters ago, she has no love of nature and she claims to be too clumsy to survive. And honestly, I'm not sure why going with someone else would be any good, since any supernatural killer would presumably be fine with murdering TWO people instead of one.

"I'm not always the most dangerous thing out there. Let's leave it at that."

"There are fierce woodchucks out in those woods. And the squirrels will attack if you try to take their nuts. Yes, there are more dangerous things than ME in those woods!"

Presumably this is meant to foreshadow future plot developments.... hahaha, PLOT... presumably based on the fact that most vampires are supposed to drink human blood... and somehow go totally undetected. Of course, I don't know what the hell they'd be doing in FORKS, since it would make more logical sense for them to go someplace with lots of people, where victim deaths would be less noticeable.

So they are FINALLY saying goodbye and this conversation has a SLIGHT chance of actually ending... but of course, Smeyers has to do just a little more verbal masturbation.

"Bella?" I turned and he was leaning toward me, his pale, glorious face just inches from mine. My heart stopped beating.

THANK GOD. Please smash her head in so she can't come back as an Emo Zombie.

His breath blew in my face, stunning me.

It smelled of garlic, cheese and cheap baloney.

It was the same exquisite scent that clung to his jacket, but in a more concentrated form.

So... blood? I mean, he IS a frigging vampire, and there's no evidence that he brushes.

So Bawla totters out of the car, still recovering from her impromptu orgasm. Edward thinks this is hilarious, for some reason. Then, THANK GOD, he finally leaves, meaning there's no chance of this stupid conversation going on ANY LONGER.

So he goes inside, and as a very boring pointless conversation with her dad, who is hanging around watching a baseball game. Because that's when men do. They watch sports.

The phone rang suddenly, startling me. I yanked it off the hook.
"Hello?" I asked breathlessly.

"Edward, I knew you would call me! Let's have phone sex!"

But no, it's Jessica, who seems rather surprised Bella actually made it home. Yeah, apparently even Bella's nonfriends can recognize a creepy-ass sexual predator when they see one. Another incredibly pointless conversation, and it can basically be summed up as

"Can you bring me my jacket?"
"Sure, but I wanna hear about whether you had sex!"
"Can't say anything until tomorrow. Go away."

I walked up the stairs slowly, a heavy stupor clouding my mind.

So, nothing out of the ordinary, huh?

This unspeakably boring chapter finally winds down by having Bella sit in a hot shower, realizing that she's cold. No, we don't know why, and there doesn't seem like any logical reason why she would be since she's been sitting in a heated car wearing a jacket. And of course, she Wuvs Eddie too much to be going into shock.

My mind still swirled dizzily, full of images I couldn't understand, and some I fought to repress.

Especially the pink elephants. Those were creepy.

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire.

No shit, Einstein. We already knew that.

Second, there was part of him — and I didn't know how potent that part might be — that thirsted for my blood.

Again, no shit. He told you that five or six times.

And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

Because abusive high-risk relationships with a killer who has already said he wants your yummy blood = TROO LUV.

Alcohol is sold because of books like this.

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