Friday, August 14, 2015

Twilight Guide - The Cullen Coven

The Cullen coven, one of the largest stable vampire covens, is also one of the few that does not drink human blood.

And they're not just proud of this, they're SMUG about it.

The Cullens call themselves "vegetarians" because they

.... really don't know what it means. They just know that the word allows them to be smug and act morally superior.

putting more value on human life than do most of their peers.

They totally value human life... they just hate people.

They consider the Denali clan their cousins, as that coven shares a similar philosophy.

Because when you have similar lifestyles to another group, that means you're FAMILY. You can't just be friends; you have to be RELATIVES. Because family is IMPORTANT dammit, and people can't possibly group together unless they have a faux-family structure! EVERYTHING IS ABOUT THE FAMILY PLEASE BELIEVE MEEEEEEE...

Abstaining from human prey takes the competitive aspect out of the hunt, and as a result they are able to form stronger family bonds than traditional vampires.

They merely live together in the same house, barely tolerate each other, and show no real familial feeling whatsoever. Yup, sounds like family bonds to me!

The Cullens prefer to stay in one place as long as possible, choosing cloudy climates where they can go outside during the day without revealing their inhuman nature.

  1. Which is why Emmett and Rosalie go to Africa. After all, what's cloudier than AFRICA?
  2. Why the hell would they go to WASHINGTON, the ONE PLACE where they have enemies?
  3. And why do they keep going to places with lots of people? They own a fucking island off RIO. They can easily buy a mansion in the middle of nowhere.
  4. So why not Canada? Why not Russia? Why not Northern China? Why not some Scandinavian countries?!

But after six or seven years in one location, they are usually forced to move on, before their lack of aging is noticed.

The locals apparently don't notice their rock-hard skin, lack of skin pigment, color-changing eyes and stalker-creep routines. I think they won't notice the lack of aging.

They own several residences so that they can return to places they have especially enjoyed—

ENJOYED? You're telling me that the characters of Twilight are supposed to actually have enjoyed anything? Funny, they seemed to barely tolerate it in the actual stories.

but only after enough time has passed that they won‘t be recognized as the same people who once lived there.

  1. Because I'm sure leaving a house unoccupied for fifty years could NEVER cause trouble.
  2. Why don't they just cycle around with the Denali "cousins," so their houses will actually get some use out of them? Or at least rent them out? It seems really wasteful to leave perfectly good houses lying empty because their owners are selfish dickweeds.
  3. And again, this relies entirely on the locals being really.... really.... really stupid and forgetful.

Each member of the coven maintains several well-tended identities,

For example, Edward is also known as an emo clown who hires himself out to birthday parties, a human test subject for hair gel, an uptight religious fanatic, Teddie "Whiny McDoucheypants" Mullen, an author of poorly-written Harlequin romances, a crash test dummy, and a mentally ill medical student. Most of his identities have restraining orders filed against them.

which allows the Cullens to establish themselves in new locations as necessary.

Because we don't live in the era of the Internet and cell phones with cameras, where this sort of thing is MUCH harder to do.

Each time the Cullens move, the relationships they claim to share with one another may shift, too.

For instance, in San Francisco Carlisle and Edward pretend to be a gay couple. They're surprisingly convincing.

In one place, two members might pose as father and adopted son; in another, brothers, or uncle and nephew.

"Wow, you and your nephew look EXACTLY like a father and son who lived here twenty years ago! Right down to the stupid-looking hair and eye makeup!"
"... yeah, that is weird, isn't it?"

Regardless, the bonds of love and respect between members of the coven are immutable.

And remember, people! Vampire "love and respect" is DIFFERENT from all that stupid HUMAN "love and respect"! To humans, it looks like resentment, contempt and verbal abuse. But that's just because vampires are so much smarter and cooler than humans!

Yes, because Edward shows SUCH love and respect for Rosalie and Emmett, and he shows the same to Alice when he starts screaming obscenities at her for politely refusing to do as he demands.

The Cullen family began when Carlisle transformed Edward.

Because out of the thousands of sick people that Carlisle came across in his lifetime, he wanted to start his family with a pretty teenage boy he kidnapped from a hospital.


Think about it.

They then traveled across the United States together, gradually adding other members to the coven.

They adopted two Chinese orphans, got a dog and bought a house in San Francisco. Then they decided to find some other vampires.

The family is currently made up of eight vampires—four of whom have supernatural abilities

Ah yes, the supernatural abilities of Xanaxing, reading the future inaccurately, mind-raping others, and the invincible Sue Shield. But don't forget Esme's power of LOVE.

and a vampire hybrid, who also has psychic gifts.

Because Sue hybrids always have the best of both worlds!

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