Monday, August 10, 2015

Twilight Chapter 10

You know, I can read Lord of the Rings in a week, Little Women in a day, and if real life stopped intruding I could go through books like a forest fire. This book? It's like reading Ulysses after hitting yourself on the head with a hammer.

Pretend that the Junior clips are from Twilight.

Before I start off on today's chapter, I'd like to do a little side-rant. I've always said that Bella is a narcissistic, obnoxious, dumb, whiny, spoiled little twit who looks down on everyone else (including her own parents), thinks she's too smart for everyone around her, stalks the object of her affections, and becomes literally suicidal if he leaves. And no, I am not misusing the word "literally."

And some other people (more thoughtful than the Twilight fans) have replied by saying that they considered her less-than-flattering portrayal to be a pretty realistic portrayal of a teenager's mind. Well, I cannot disagree with that. Bella has a lot of the rotten characteristics that crop up during everybody's teenage years, and it would be just fine'n'dandy if a character were depicted as such. I mean, Holden Caulfield is a fictional teenager with a lot of personal defects, yet people enjoy reading about him. He's MEANT to be flawed. So if Bella were being depicted as being melodramatic, whiny, narcissistic and stupid BECAUSE SHE'S A TEENAGER and hasn't yet learned enough about the world and herself to be otherwise, I would be fine with that.

Here's the problem with this theory: Smeyers doesn't think that Bella is any of the above. She repeatedly reiterates that Bella is an Old Soul who is not only more mature than her peers, but also her PARENTS. She reiterates that Bella is uber-selfless, supersmart, suffers in silence, humble, and is in Troo Lurve that will last forever and is based on Destiny and not hormones.

"But satireknight," you may be thinking, "it's a first person narrative! So of COURSE Bella would think that about herself."

Sadly, I'm not talking about Bella's self-perception. I'm talking about how other people act towards her.

  1. In Midnight Sun's first-person narrative from Edward, he attributes all sorts of virtues to Bella and is repeatedly staggered by how Suishly wonderful she is compared to, sniff sniff, OTHER mortals. Just the way she sees herself.
  2. In fact, he does the same in Twilight. And the other books. So does his "perfect" family except for Rosalie (who is Just Jellus of her glorious uterus, of course).
  3. Everybody in Forks is rabidly interested in her. Just as she thinks it's supposed to be.
  4. Nobody ever calls Bella out or reacts to her as if she were a melodramatic, selfish teenager. Nobody rolls their eyes when she says cheesy crap, nobody ever tells her to get over her own pretentious ass, nobody ever shrugs her melodrahmaz off, and nobody is even remotely disturbed by how crazy and obsessive she is about Edward. In other words, just how she sees herself.
  5. Most of the cast is very, very old and you would expect them to be emotionally far beyond Bella's "deep tortured" self. Not so.

So basically, Smeyers actually THINKS that Bella is a smart, humble, selfless Wiser Than Her Years teen who is destined for a Troo Luv better than anything YOU could ever have, and that she deserves it too. It's not just in her head, but ingrained into the reality around her. Is there anything more Suish than that?

I'd also like to point out that Bella has a lot of classic codependency signs, and Edward has most of the ones she doesn't have.

Okay, rant over. Onto the chapter.

It was very hard, in the morning, to argue with the part of me that was sure last night was a dream.

I know that the dancing mangos captured me aboard their pirate slave, and I became the love slave to the Great King Mango! I didn't imagine it all!

Logic wasn't on my side, or common sense.

I hate people who misuse the word "logic." Logic dictates that everything - such as sparkly vampirism - is POSSIBLE, but some things are IMPROBABLE.


I clung to the parts I couldn't have imagined — like his smell. I was sure I could never have dreamed that up on my own.

It's called Old Spice.

It was foggy and dark outside my window, absolutely perfect. He had no reason not to be in school today.

Except for the fact that he's being stalked by a yummy-smelling treat, and he's already fled town once before.

I dressed in my heavy clothes, remembering I didn't have a jacket. Further proof that my memory was real.

"Hey Bella, I found your jacket in the clothes hamper."
"Hey, no big deal. I'll wash it tonight. Why are you trying to cut your wrists with a butter knife?"

So then she goes downstairs, gobbles down a granola bar and chugs milk from the carton (great manners, sort of like a frat boy), and rushes out to her car. But OH PLOT TWIST a silver car is sitting in the driveway. It's the King Mango!

"Do you want to ride with me today?" he asked, amused by my expression as he caught me by surprise yet again.

Can someone explain to me why Edward finds everything she does so fucking funny? Bella is as funny as a skin rash, and her reactions to everything are really mundane. It's not like she's Tohru Honda, all mega-earnest and positive.

But as usual, Edward is displaying at least two major emotions simultaneously. I'm starting to wonder if he wanders around holding up cue cards that say, "I am anguished." "I am conflicted." "I am smoldering." "I am tortured." There was uncertainty in his voice. He was really giving me a choice — I was free to refuse, and part of him hoped for that. Yes, let's praise the man for actually giving the woman a choice in something as minor as going to school. That lowered the bar a few hundred feet.

It was a vain hope.

She's not letting a Hot Rich Guy get away from her that easily!

So Bella gets in, and it turns out that Eddie specifically brought his jacket for her so she could ogle his perfectly muscled chest because he apparently thinks that she'll get sick if she goes for a few seconds outside without a jacket, which gives him another way to control her life. Bella, of course, starts sniffing the jacket in her usual creepy way.

"I'm not quite that delicate," I said ...
"Aren't you?" he contradicted in a voice so low I wasn't sure if he meant for me to hear.

Oh woe, if only I had a man to treat me like a pathetic helpless baby incapable of taking care of myself, and regarded me as being too fragile to manage day-to-day life. That indeed is troo lurv!

We drove through the fog-shrouded streets, always too fast, feeling awkward.

Ah yes, driving fast through a really thick fog, so thick that a minute ago Bella couldn't see the car sitting in her driveway. I'm so glad Eddie thinks of others' safety... oh wait, he's a huge dick. And to make sure we know this, He turned to smirk at me. "What, no twenty questions today?" Would it kill this guy to just talk normally? Does everything have to be sneering assholery or Dramatic Byronic Torturedness?

"Do my questions bother you?" I asked, relieved.
"Not as much as your reactions do."

"That gaping-mouthed, buggy-eyed stare is really starting to freak me out. So is the whole jacket-sniffing thing."

I frowned. "Do I react badly?" "No, that's the problem. You take everything so coolly — it's unnatural. It makes me wonder what you're really thinking."

I can agree with Edward on that. However, it doesn't seem the way Smeyers thinks it does - it doesn't make her seem fearless because of her Deep Troo Lurv, it makes her seem like a moron with no self-preservation instincts or common sense.

"I always tell you what I'm really thinking."
"You edit," he accused.

Oh shut up, asshole. You have no proof of that, so you're just being paranoid because for once you can't eavesdrop on everything a person thinks. You can't cope when you can't read a person's inner thoughts and pass judgement on them.

"Not very much."
"Enough to drive me insane."

And an example would be... what? No wait, I don't care enough.

So Bella whines, Edward ignores her, Bella angsts, Edward is stoic, and it's all very boring. Finally, she remembers that OH YEAH he has a creepy incesty family who is conspicuously absent.

"They took Rosalie's car." He shrugged as he parked next to a glossy red convertible with the top up. "Ostentatious, isn't it?"

"Sneer sneer, she's a showy flashy bitch because she's tall and skinny and blonde, not like my awesome self! I drive a VOLVO! The car of true substance!"

"Um, wow," I breathed. "If she has that, why does she ride with you?"
"Like I said, it's ostentatious. We try to blend in."

Yes, because megabazillionaires living in a butt-end-of-nowhere town think that if they drive VOLVOS, they'll blend in. Also, since when is a red car so ostentatious? They're pretty common, asshole.

I wasn't late anymore; his lunatic driving had gotten me to school in plenty of time.

"And we only had to mow down two deer, seven squirrels, a bunch of preschoolers and one old lady."

"Hadn't you noticed? I'm breaking all the rules now."

Great. So break the no-slurping-humans rule and drink Bella like a MegaGulp!

So they have a brief bland conversation about how all the vampires like to drive at dangerous speeds, and presumably kill dozens of people every year.

Under the shelter of the cafeteria roof's overhang, Jessica was waiting, her eyes about to bug out of their sockets.

I have the feeling that this is Smeyers sticking her metaphorical tongue out at someone she didn't like at school. "Nyah nyah nyah, prom queen! I have the hottest imaginary vampire boyfriend in the world, and YOU don't have a chance!"

So they greet Jessica, and she leaves. Yeah, that was pointless.

She shifted her wide eyes to me, trying to gather her jumbled thoughts.

"Finally, something interesting to put in the school gossip column! That rumor about the quarterback wearing dentures is starting to get old."

So Edward mentions that she's waiting until trig class to ask Bawla what happened. And even Bawla said she would tell her everything the day before, she starts groaning and whining right away.

"So what are you going to tell her?"
"A little help?" I pleaded. "What does she want to know?"

Oh, the horror of actually having to interact with people without being able to psychically eavesdrop on them! It SUUUUUCCCCKKKSSSS...

"No, you not sharing what you know — now that's not fair."

... and how is that not fair, Your Highness? "You know something I don't know, THAT'S NOT FAIIIIRRRR WAAAAAAAA MOMMEEEEEEE...."

So then Edward mentions that Jessica thinks they're dating (NO SHIT!), and wants to know how Bawla feels about Eddie (the answer: "I will capture him and hold him hostage until he LOVES ME!"). While this is going on, everybody is goggling in amazement at the Great and Mighty Smart Yet Humble Queen of Phoenix walking next to Hot Rich Guy. Yep, that's all anyone cares about. Smeyers, you were unpopular in high school - deal with it. Stop trying to relive it through your Sue. It's pathetic.

And for no particular reason, Edward decides that, "I suppose you could say yes to the first… if you don't mind — it's easier than any other explanation." Wow, how about the explanation: "I decided to take her home instead of you guys, and no we're not dating." This is another one of those mind-blowingly transparent ploys that you see in crappy romcoms.

"I don't mind," I said in a faint voice.

Of course you don't. You've been stalking him since Day 1. LITERALLY.

So Edward says that he'll find the answer to Question 2 pretty soon, then he walks away. Since we haven't had any fake contrived tension for a few pages now, Bella then throws a tantrum for no real reason. Allegedly it's because he didn't tell her what to do, but it just reinforces that Bella is a whiny bint who likes being treated like crap.

I hurried into class, flushed and irritated. He was such a cheater. Now I was even more worried about what I was going to say to Jessica. I sat in my usual seat, slamming my bag down in aggravation.

"How dare he not order me around and tell me what to say! I hate free will! I hate having to actually do anything myself!"

This is her cue to meet Mike, who apparently is resigned to not being able to date Bawla even through she's spat in his eye every time he walked by her. They have a short boring conversation about Jessica, since he has been shown his place and is only allowed to date a "normal" girl instead of wanting a goddess, and Bella spends the next two periods melodramatically wangsting about talking to Jessica.

How very inconvenient his little talent could be — when it wasn't saving my life.

What's inconvenient about it, you dumb bitch? Because he found out something that JESSICA TOLD YOU YESTERDAY?!

So Bella is cheerful because it's cloudy, damp and miserable outside... see what Smeyers did there? See? See? Bella was originally DEPRESSED because she hated all the gloomy weather, but now it makes her HAPPY. See? See? Isn't that BRILLIANT? First she felt ONE way, and now she feels the OTHER way!

So now Bella is confronting her most dreaded obstacle yet: talking to a person. HORRORS! She might actually have to converse with another human being, and she might even have to be civil to someone.

When I walked into Trig Jessica was sitting in the back row, nearly bouncing off her seat in agitation.

Clearly hearing about Bella's car ride home is the highlight of her week. Hearing about Bawla's love life is WAY better than going on dates with her crush!

So they have another bland conversation, and Bella gives the lame excuse of: "He bought me dinner, and then he drove me home." Jess inexplicably is skeptical about this idea because Bella got home so fast... well, technically there's no mention of WHAT dinner he got her. It could have been a Big Mac from the drive-thru. But this is just another opportunity for Bella to whine about how Edward drives.

So the bland conversation continues blah blah Jess is pissed that there's no juiciness blah blah Bella is boring blah blah they're going to Seattle on Saturday blah blah blah blah Bella is even more boring than Jess thought because this is even more boring than her actual boring life.

"W-o-w." She exaggerated the word into three syllables. "Edward Cullen."

"It's like, going out with someone AWESOME. You're going out with a celebrity! No, he's BETTER than a celebrity! He's a CULLEN! You went out with a god!"

I can't blame Jess for wanting this conversation to produce ANYTHING other than more bland excuses. I mean, Bella is making her life sound even more boring than it is! She was alone in a car with the guy she's been stalking ALL SEMESTER and yet she just sat there like a lump of dough! It gets so horribly boring that Jess even asks what they TALKED ABOUT. You know you're pathetic when your classmates want to know if you TALKED with your crush.

"Well… okay, I've got one. You should have seen the waitress flirting with him — it was over the top. But he didn't pay any attention to her at all." Let him make what he could of that.
"That's a good sign," she nodded. "Was she pretty?"
"Very — and probably nineteen or twenty."
"Even better. He must like you."

Pshaw! Edwad is too awesome to date a mere WAITRESS. A BLONDE waitress. And one who has reached the geriatric crumbling age of NINETEEN? NEVER. I bet the waitress has even has sex with someone. No, Edward would never stoop to notice someone like HER.

So Jess and Bawla talk about how awesome Edward is and how they basically drool on themselves whenever he's facing in their general direction. BOOOOOORRRRIIIIINNNGGGG.

"Oh well. He is unbelievably gorgeous." Jessica shrugged as if this excused any flaws. Which, in her book, it probably did.

Pshaw, how incredibly shallow she is. A guy has to be unbelievably gorgeous AND rich to excuse any flaws in BELLA'S book! How deep she is! Never mind that it doesn't bother her that he's a stalking, emotionally-abusive asshole whose flaws are all excused by Bella because he's "perfect." It's "deep" when Bella does it!

And Bella, who spent ALL DAY whining and wangsting about this stupid conversation, is dumb enough to blurt out that there's more to Eddie than his looks: "I can't explain it right… but he's even more unbelievable behind the face." His neurocranium is SOOOOOOOO SEXY! And the hyoid bone... wow!

The vampire who wanted to be good — who ran around saving people's lives so he wouldn't be a monster…

Yeah, nobody's EVER done that before.

David Boreanaz on Angel on the WB

And he's not the only vampire who wants to be good either. You've got Thomas Raith (before he got torn up and almost died), Henry Fitzroy (yummy!), Louis, Lestat, most of the population of Morganville... honestly, this is NOOOOOTTTTT a new idea. The sad thing is, Stephenie Meyers obviously thinks it is.

And "runs around saving people's lives"? He saved her miserable ass once. ONCE. No sign of it being a way of fighting against his monstrous nature. And no sign that he's EVER done it for any other people.

"So you like him, then?" She wasn't about to give up.
"Yes," I said curtly.
"I mean, do you really like him?" she urged.
"Yes," I said again, blushing. I hoped that detail wouldn't register in her thoughts.
She'd had enough with the single syllable answers. "How much do you like him?"
"Too much," I whispered back. "More than he likes me. But I don't see how I can help that."

You know, out of all the lame excuses that barely-literate fans have given me for the series, and ALL the poorly-spelled reasons why they adore these books... one thing has never come up: Meyers' dialogue. I dare anyone to look at this scintillating conversation and deny that it is a steaming crock of shit. I dare you. I double-dare you, muthafucka! Say it's good dialogue!

And just when this shitty boring conversation about NOTHING AT ALL except how perfect Edward is is over... we end up shifting into JESS'S love life. Bella recounts her conversation with Mark, and even Smeyers is apparently getting bored with the banal rice-puddingness of this whole conversation. At least this conversation is SLIGHTLY more interesting than talking about Edward/Bella, mainly because Jess is being so dang cute about Mike.

Since Jess is at LEAST thirty IQ points smarter than Bella, and at least 600% more socially capable, she figures out that Bella is not going to be sitting with her alleged friends during lunch. Ah, what a good friend Bella is - as soon as she has a chance with a hawt boy, she dumps all her "friends."

But outside the door to our Spanish class, leaning against the wall — looking more like a Greek god than anyone had a right to

Perfect description of Edward - pretty but assholish, arrogant and generally creepy. All he needs is to lay curses on a few women who told him to get lost, and maybe rape a few.

Edward was waiting for me. Jessica took one look, rolled her eyes, and departed.

More or less describes my reaction.

So OH HORRORZ Jess might want to talk AGAIN later on, meaning that Bella might have to turn off her phone (not cell phone - that would be too YOUNG for an old lady like Bawla!) so she can ignore Jess. Have I mentioned lately that Bella is a HUGE BITCH? I honestly don't understand how Stephenie Meyer thinks that anyone actually could LIKE this sneering snobby bitch, primarily because she treats other people with contempt at all times. What amazes me is that people actually DO like this sneering snobby bitch, apparently because they secretly want to be the same.

"Hello." His voice was amused and irritated at the same time. He had been listening, it was obvious.

How adorable it is when the love interest eavesdrops on his semi-girlfriend, like a possessive prick.

So they walk to the cafeteria being boring together. Of course, everybody goggles in amazement at the god and goddess who are sharing the same general area. Since Edward hasn't been a TOTAL prick in a whole two pages, he decides to start being controlling again at the lunch line.

He stepped up to the counter and filled a tray with food.
"What are you doing?" I objected. "You're not getting all that for me?"
He shook his head, stepping forward to buy the food.
"Half is for me, of course."

Can we please drive a diamond-tipped stake through his douchebag's tiny cold heart? Assuming we can find it? So, apparently around him, Bella doesn't even get to choose her own food at the cafeteria - Eddie chooses the food for her and ALLOWS her to select whatever he's preselected. So if she wants a salad, and he didn't pick up any salad, TOO FUCKING BAD BELLA! You will obey the Big Strong Man and eat what he demands!

"Hey Edward, I wanted a chocolate milk."
"No, I got you a Gatorade. Drink it."
"But I don't like Gatorade. I want chocolate milk."
"Shut up and drink your Gatorade. I COMMAND YOU."
"Yes, Master. I'm just a weak little woman."

Does it shock a single person alive that this was ripped off into an even MORE misogynistic bad-pseudo-BDSM sex story?

But since Bella likes being treated like crap, she just raises an eyebrow. Also, people are still gawping at them for no particular reason except that Smeyers craves attention.

"Take whatever you want," he said, pushing the tray toward me.

Yes, it would have been nice if he had said this before he preselected food for her.

"I'm curious," I said as I picked up an apple, turning it around in my hands,

OH SYMBOLISM. He gave her an apple, see? It's SYMBOLISM. Only smart people can write THAT.

And since she hasn't finished boring us into a stupor, Bella decides to open her mouth and drool some more bland dialogue at Edward. Now, she actually asks a decent question... except she asks it wrong, and Edward doesn't answer. Specifically: she asks "what would you do if someone dared you to eat food?" Yes, that's the first question that I would ask, rather than "are you even able to eat food, since you're a you-know-what?" Further proof that Stephenie Meyers doesn't have the faintest idea how real non-Sue people act.

And Edward inexplicably refuses to answer. No real reason is given. He picks up a piece of pizza and eats a bite of it. Again, no reason is given. Would it kill him to just say, "I'd say, 'sorry, not hungry'?"

"If someone dared you to eat dirt, you could, couldn't you?" he asked condescendingly.

Sez the guy who just ate something with no nutritional value to him. How is that any better than eating dirt? It's actually worse, since dirt does have minerals and stuff that people might need.

And apparently he's correct. Bella DID once eat dirt on a dare, and Edward's dickish reply is that "I suppose I'm not surprised." Which is a pretty nasty thing to say, since he's never seen her take a dare or imply that she would. He's just assuming that she's dumb and easily led. TROO LUV!

Then Eddie starts whining that Jessica is analyzing all his actions, and then he and Bella start having a BORING BORING BORING conversation about how Edward didn't notice the Slutty Slut Slut waitress because Bella was that amazing. Bella decides to stop being bitchy about said waitress because now she knows Edward ignored her. What a kind, unselfish person she is.

Then Edward whines that he doesn't like something she said to Jessica, and they have a BORING BORING BORING conversation about him eavesdropping. It's too boring to summarize so I'll just include it:

"I'm not surprised you heard something you didn't like. You know what they say about eavesdroppers," I reminded him.
"I warned you I would be listening."
"And I warned you that you didn't want to know everything I was thinking."
"You did," he agreed, but his voice was still rough. "You aren't precisely right, though. I do want to know what you're thinking — everything. I just wish… that you wouldn't be thinking some things."
I scowled. "That's quite a distinction."
"But that's not really the point at the moment."
"Then what is?"

The point is that Smeyers' dialogue is making my brain try to crawl out my ears. It's bland, generic, and makes these two seem even pettier and shallower than they are.

"Do you truly believe that you care more for me than I do for you?" he murmured, leaning closer to me as he spoke, his dark golden eyes piercing.

Who cares about that? The real question is, Does Bella care for him even a tenth of the amount that she does for herself?

I tried to remember how to exhale.

Please forget how to INhale, and put everybody out of their misery.

So of course, Bella answers the question. Haha PSYCH! What a ridiculous idea! Nobody in the Twilight world ever just answers a question! They segue into something totally irrelevant, bicker aimlessly, and THEN answer.

So instead of saying yes or no, Bella whines that Edward is "dazzling" her again. Either Bella is so dumb that shiny objects stupefy her, or Edward isn't nearly as dazzling as she thinks he is. Or both. I mean, he's able to do stuff like shop for toilet paper without leaving a trail of fainting women behind him, huh? Even the most oblivious person would know THAT.

In fact, Midnight Sun has the ENTIRE SCHOOL effectively ignoring him. Both his "dangerous" aura AND his supposed sex appeal. So clearly he's not dazzling.

"Are you going to answer the question?"
I looked down. "Yes."
"Yes, you are going to answer, or yes, you really think that?" He was irritated again.
"Yes, I really think that."

You know, dialogue is not THAT hard to write. I see people vomiting up better dialogue in fanfiction all the time.

Also, I would like to point out that almost every single time Bella opens her mouth, Edward gets angry at her. Smeyers may think this is indicative of true love, but whenever I see an actual guy acting this way to a woman, I want to tell her, "Leave him so fast you leave a sonic boom, and don't look back." Why? Because being angry at the slightest thing a person says is EMOTIONAL/VERBAL ABUSE.

So Bella just stares at the table, and Edward tells her that she's wrong. Bella insists, "You can't know that," and Edward insists, "What makes you think so?" Well, uh, there's the logical fact that you said you couldn't read her mind.

I stared back, struggling to think clearly in spite of his face

... but their Troo Luv is definitely not hormones! It's LUV!

As I searched for the words, I could see him getting impatient; frustrated by my silence, he started to scowl.

"I am being Byronic and brooding! That means I can be an asshole with impunity!"

"Let me think," I insisted. His expression cleared, now that he was satisfied that I was planning to answer.

So Edward actually gets ANGRY if Bella doesn't answer him? What a douchebag.

So Bella whines that "sometimes it seems like you're trying to say goodbye when you're saying something else." Again, we've never really been told this in the past... at least that I can remember. This book is so fucking long compared to the paper-thin plot. But apparently Bella has psychic Sue qualities, because apparently Edward has been doing just that.

"That's exactly why you're wrong, though," he began to explain

Uhhh... wrong about WHAT? I can't follow this!

Bella has an attack of faux-humility so Edward can sing her praises. This is yet another typical Sue trait - after all, a Sue must be humble but it must be constantly reinforced that she's the bestest there ever was.

"I'm absolutely ordinary — well, except for bad things like all the near-death experiences and being so clumsy that I'm almost disabled. And look at you."

  1. Near-death experiences? She had ONE in the whole book so far, and it was the kind of thing that could literally happen to anyone. I've had a more dramatic near death experience than this bitch.
  2. I want to go up to Stephenie Meyer and scream in her face that CLUMSINESS IS NOT A DISABILITY.
  3. Let's see, she's diminished the female sex, offended vegetarians, and now she's being an insensitive bint about the disabled by insisting that her klutzy Mary Sue is almost one of them... because she claims to be freakishly clumsy.
  4. Yes, you are completely ordinary, except your bad qualities are horribly exaggerated.
  5. You know on the topic of Bella's comically over-the-top clumsiness, I wonder if she fakes it to do any of the above:
    • make sure people notice her at all times
    • keep people from asking her to do anything
    • to seem helpless so sexist assholes will be attracted to a helpless little woman they can control
    • so that whenever she insists this, she can seem humble and flawed... even though clumsiness is NOT a flaw
  6. It could be any of the above, or ALL of them. But you notice that Bella's clumsiness NEVER is an actual inconvenience to anything she wants to do, or something that will further glorify her. For instance, she's able to drive. She's able to cook. She's able to navigate crowded hallways and parking lots. It's only thing she dislikes like gym class that are problems for her.

So after being angry for no fucking reason for another minute, Edward strokes Bella's bloated ego: "You don't see yourself very clearly, you know. I'll admit you're dead-on about the bad things," he chuckled blackly,

List more bad things! List more bad things!

"but you didn't hear what every human male in this school was thinking on your first day."

"How come that girl keeps throwing herself to the floor and yelling, 'Oh, I'm just so clumsy'?"
"Dunno. Maybe she's crazy."
"And how come when I said, 'Hi, welcome to Forks,' she screamed at me, 'Begone, foul thing! You aren't rich and hot, and thus you are unworthy of my beauty and brains! You shall never date me'?"
"Definitely crazy. Steer clear of her. Shit, Crazy Girl is sitting next to that babe Jessica."

"Trust me just this once — you are the opposite of ordinary."

"Yes! You are not ordinary! Like every other speshul snowflake teen Sue since EVER!"

Seriously, can you believe that a woman in her thirties actually wrote this shit? She's married with a bunch of kids, yet apparently her ideal alter ego needs constant assurance that she is speshul and prettier than anyone else!

"Don't you see? That's what proves me right. I care the most, because if I can do it" — he shook his head, seeming to struggle with the thought — "if leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe."

Well, goodbye. We never found out why you are such an asshole but honestly we don't care a lot either. waves hankie

Also, does anyone in their right mind actually think he'll leave? Do you think Stephenie Meyers' fantasy boytoy will leave her Mary Sue any more than you think Anita Blake would allow one of HER fantasy boytoys to go off and have monogamous sex with another woman?

I glared. "And you don't think I would do the same?"
"You'd never have to make the choice."

... if you actually look at those two sentences, they don't actually have anything to do with each other.

"Of course, keeping you safe is beginning to feel like a full-time occupation that requires my constant presence."

Ah, so that's the contrived reason for Edward to stick around: he thinks Bella will die or get gang-raped if he doesn't hang around. That's not controlling at all.

"No one has tried to do away with me today," I reminded him, grateful for the lighter subject.

Ahahahahaha... wait, is that supposed to be funny?

If I had to, I supposed I could purposefully put myself in danger to keep him close… I banished that thought before his quick eyes read it on my face. That idea would definitely get me in trouble.

Ah, once again the core concepts of feminism get assraped by Stephenie Meyer. Here is a sum-up of how I feel about this enlightened and healthy thought:

"I have another question for you." His face was still casual.

Oh, please do. Repeatedly.

"Do you really need to go to Seattle this Saturday, or was that just an excuse to get out of saying no to all your admirers?"

Does he seriously even need to ask? And no, not just because Bella screams and runs when a normal boy speaks to her - he's read her admirers' minds, and undoubtedly saw how nastily she treated them.

So Bella whines that she hasn't forgiven Eddie for "the Tyler thing yet," even though it's obvious she has because she announces that I would have been angrier if his laughter wasn't so fascinating. Always nice to see a female character who's willing to stick to her guns.

"If I'd asked you, would you have turned me down?" he asked, still laughing to himself.
"Probably not," I admitted. "But I would have canceled later — faked an illness or a sprained ankle."

Oh, how endearing her lies and cowardice are! So, Smeyers wants us to be impressed by a heroine who just admitted that she would lie to the guy she's allegedly in love with, because she's apparently too much of a wuss to actually cancel honestly. I feel sorry for Smeyers' husband.

He was puzzled. "Why would you do that?"

"I'm so wonderful, NOBODY would cancel!"

Once again, Bella blames her alleged clumsiness, claiming that she can't walk across a flat empty floor without falling over something. Apparently THAT is her latest excuse for never socializing. Edward claims that her clumsiness is no big deal because "It's all in the leading." I will bet ten nonexistent dollars that they slow-dance by the end of the book. Any takers?

"But you never told me — are you resolved on going to Seattle, or do you mind if we do something different?"
As long as the "we" part was in, I didn't care about anything else.

"Yes, I think we'll go to a spa for a nice hydrochloric acid bath, play with Alice's pet rabid wolverines, play 'catch' with a boulder, and to top it off we'll go BASE jumping without a parachute."
"As long as the 'we' part is in, I don't care about anything else!"

But Bella has a demand:

"Can I drive?"
He frowned. "Why?"

"Are you actually asking to do something yourself?! UNFORGIVABLE!"

But apparently she wants to drive because she told Charlie she was going ALONE to Seattle, and he might figure out that she's NOT if she left her car behind. Wow, genius. Also, apparently because she's scared of Eddie's driving, which prompts him to act like an asshole again: He rolled his eyes. "Of all the things about me that could frighten you, you worry about my driving." He shook his head in disgust

"Oh yeah, it's like SO ridiculous to worry about dying in a fiery car crash! That is SO lame! You should be scared that I'll kill you because I'm a vampire, not that I'll kill you by driving into a tree! I'M A MONSTER! BE SCARED OF ME!"

"Won't you want to tell your father that you're spending the day with me?" There was an undercurrent to his question that I didn't understand.

"Am I finally going to get laid?"

But no, since Bella is both an idiot and a really nasty daughter, she insists that no way is she gonna tell her father that she's going to Seattle with a BOY. After all, if they found her dead raped body in a ditch somewhere, she wouldn't want him to know who might have done it, ESPECIALLY if the guy has repeatedly said he wants to murder her.

"With Charlie, less is always more." I was definite about that.

Charlie is so LAME, wanting to actually protect his daughter. Doesn't he know that Bella Always Knows Best?

"The weather will be nice, so I'll be staying out of the public eye… and you can stay with me, if you'd like to." Again, he was leaving the choice up to me.

And by implication, if he didn't DECIDE to let her choose, he would just FORCE her to stick around him while she's in Seattle. No free will! You only get to make choices if EDWARD lets you.

But of course, Bella only cares that she'll get to see what happens when he's in the sun. Edward agrees, but also insists that she doesn't go to Seattle by herself because "I shudder to think of the trouble you could find in a city that size." Yeah, because obviously living in Phoenix (and a "medium-security prison"-type school) caused SO much trouble in the past.

This is just his lame-duck excuse to stalk her, huh? That trouble is magically attracted to her, and she'll only be safe if he is there. Never mind the many years of peace and quiet she's had before!

I was miffed. "Phoenix is three times bigger than Seattle — just in population. In physical size —"
"But apparently," he interrupted me, "your number wasn't up in Phoenix. So I'd rather you stayed near me."

  1. "Your number wasn't up"? Uh, why? Because she was almost in ONE car wreck, and due to her own stupidity she wandered into a bad section of town because she wasn't paying attention to her surroundings?
  2. Over the course of MONTHS. It's not like she's been there for a fricking week and both those incidents HAPPENED during that week.
  3. I love how Smeyers/Eddie insists that The Forces Of The Universe are trying to destroy Bella, and she'll only be safe if Edward is hanging around her and being a controlling dick.
  4. And at the same time, Smeyers apparently CANNOT come up with a logical reason why Bella's life would suddenly become full of danger and deadly perils upon moving to Forks, when apparently NOTHING happened to her in a larger more populous city. She just pointed out her own massive plot hole... but she can't even plug it. Instead she just insists that a Cloud Of Highly Localized Sue Danger hangs over Forks and supernaturally causes Bella to be in mortal peril. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

And since Edward hasn't claimed to be SO DANGEROUS SO HORRIBLE SO LETHAL PLEEEEEEEEZ BE IMPRESSED in the past five minutes, he insists that she should tell Charlie. Why should she do that, pray?

"Why in the world would I do that?"
His eyes were suddenly fierce. "To give me some small incentive to bring you back."

Yeah, this is our love interest. He just openly admitted that he has no reason to bring her back, and by implication he has no reason to not suck her dry like a thick shake. Clearly this is Troo Lurve.

I gulped. But, after a moment of thought, I was sure. "I think I'll take my chances."

Have I mentioned lately that Bella is a dumbass?

I know it must be getting boring with me saying the same things - "This is so boring," "Bella's an idiot," "Edward's an asshole" - but honestly there is NOTHING ELSE in this chapter. The main characters are all either being boring, stupid or assholish and there isn't a single moment where it lets up! Clearly this is a love story for the ages.

Once again, Edward gets pissed because Bella refuses to be impressed by his Deadly Predator Charm. So Bella brings up a random topic that promises to be even more boring: Edward going off to kill God's innocent creatures.

As I cast my eyes around the room, I caught the eyes of his sister, Alice, staring at me. The others were looking at Edward.

"I wonder when he's just going to drink that annoying girl's blood. She's been sitting there drooling for the past hour."

So Bella asks why he went to the Goat Rocks area to hunt, because there are bears there. This is such a stupid question that even Edward stares at her in disbelief. "You know, bears are not in season," I added sternly, to hide my shock. And artificial prissiness is never attractive to boys.

So Edward sits there reveling in how shocked she is, but he's also carefully watching how she reacts. I guess he's THAT desperate to be seen as some kind of bloodsucking badass. They have another boring conversation about Edward's favorite kind of animal to kill, while Bella pretends to not be at all affected by this. Why bother, since the author apparently hates animals?

"Of course," he said, and his tone mirrored mine, "we have to be careful not to impact the environment with injudicious hunting. We try to focus on areas with an overpopulation of predators — ranging as far away as we need. There's always plenty of deer and elk here, and they'll do, but where's the fun in that?" He smiled teasingly.

  1. Yeah, here's a fun detail, dickhead: killing off predators DOES impact the environment, because it allows the "not fun" herbivores to multiply to excessive numbers, meaning there isn't enough food to go around and some of them starve.
  2. Also, carnivores tend to taste bad. There's a reason humans tend to eat herbivores and omnivores fed mostly herbivorous diets: carnivores don't taste good, unlike cows, deer, chickens.
  3. And you know what else? I do not buy for a second that they aren't "impacting the environment." They are REGULARLY killing at least half-a-dozen predators, usually at least one a week MINIMUM.
  4. And of course, they're apparently leaving these carcasses lying around. And nobody notices them. Because this book is stupid.

And because Smeyers is desperately trying to convince us that Edward is Sooper-Menacing even though he hasn't done anything but smolder, there is another incredibly boring conversation about how Emmett likes to hunt bears, how they kill bears, and how the vampire dickheads like to attack animals when they're crabby and unfed.

"Oh, we have weapons." He flashed his bright teeth in a brief, threatening smile.

Yeah, but no fangs. I'm just imagining someone with giant gleaming Michelle Obama choppers... which is scary, but not menacing.

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But since Bella is a wimp, she's very intimidated by all this, even though it's painfully obvious that he's trying to impress her with how scary and deadly he is.

"Are you like a bear, too?" I asked in a low voice. "More like the lion, or so they tell me," he said lightly. "Perhaps our preferences are indicative."

In that case, I imagine Edward secretly dining on frilled lizard: not actually dangerous, but pretends to be by puffing itself up.

So for no real reason, Bella wants to see Edward attack and slaughter an innocent animal so he can drink its blood. Yeah, sexy. I can imagine her watching him ripping an animal to shreds and guzzling its crimson life fluids, and drooling on herself as she burbles, "He's so perfect... so graceful... so beyewtiful!" I otherwise cannot imagine why she'd wanna see it, except if she's some kind of animal-abusive sadist.

And don't forget: this is a person who fainted dead away when she saw a SINGLE DROP OF BLOOD. Yet she loves the idea of seeing Edturd brutally murder an innocent animal in front of her, for no reason at all.

"Absolutely not!" His face turned even whiter than usual, and his eyes were suddenly furious.

I knew it! Edward probably drinks the blood of woodchucks, but doesn't wanna admit it.

I leaned back, stunned and — though I'd never admit it to him — frightened by his reaction. He leaned back as well, folding his arms across his chest.

Yes, because the most frightening reaction is to lean back and cross your arms. I'd be terrified by that to.

Bella asks why he won't let her come, and Edward continues being pissed for no particular reason. Then he decides that they should leave because EVERYBODY ELSE ALREADY HAS.

Wow. That chapter was basically just a string of incredibly boring conversations. And you know what else is a problem? We are TEN FUCKING CHAPTERS into this book, and there is absolutely no sign of a plot. NONE! "Girl meets boy" is not a plot, and that is basically all we have gotten so far. Ten chapters! And not short chapters either - these are LOOOOONNNGGG rambling chapters that seem to last forever.

Ten chapters. TEN! And not a fucking hint of plot! I think my brain is bleeding.

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