Tuesday, August 11, 2015

New Moon Preface

Did you ever accomplish something, and you feel like you're on top of the world? You're about to scream that stupid cliche line that Leonard Dicaprio yelled in Titanic, and run around telling everybody that HOORAY you have triumphed where only a few have triumphed before...

... and then you realize you still have three more Twilight books to go.

Yeah, nothing kills your "I successfully sporked Twilight" buzz like realizing that you have to now spork New Moon, a book so shitty and self-indulgently stupid that it makes the first book look like it was penned by Jane Austen. And we haven't even gotten close to the epic WTF-fest that was Breaking Dawn - that one could be snarked for decades.

So we start with a Romeo and Juliet quote, which just reinforces that Smeyer has no idea what that play was about. I mean, hello, Shakespeare was making fun of the sort of hormone-fueled idiot teen "luv" that you write about, lady. But who am I kidding? Who actually expects the creator of BELLA SWAN to actually read and comprehend Shakespeare?!

And since Smeyer can't write any actual suspense in her actual PLOTS, she writes in a preface to make you think this book is suspenseful and action-packed, and actually about something more interesting than "My boyfriend has dumped me! Oh woe, I am now catatonic AND suicidal! I'm going to flirt with a hot werewolf until we inevitably get back together! LOVE TRIANGLE ALERT!"

I FELT LIKE I WAS TRAPPED IN ONE OF THOSE TERRIFYING nightmares, the one where you have to run, run till your lungs burst, but you can't make your body move fast enough.

... and then I realized that I wasn't moving at all, because I'm so used to one of the Cullens carrying me like a giant sex doll. So I just lay there like a lump - it's sort of my thing.

My legs seemed to move slower and slower as I fought my way through the callous crowd, but the hands on the huge clock tower didn't slow.

... why would it? Does she expect clocks to slow whenever she doesn't feel like running fast.

Also, why the hell is the crowd "callous"? Should they be sensitive and ONLY pay attention to the crazy girl?

With relentless, uncaring force, they turned inexorably toward the end—the end of everything.

Oh boy, Bella's trying to stop the apocalypse from happening! Wow! This should be exciting and action-packed and full of suspense! I'm expecting an epic saga that stirs the human soul!

... nope, we're not getting that. This is just Smeyer's usual teen-girl hyperbole. By "end of everything," Bella means "end of my chances to become a sparkly rich immortal! NOOOOOOOOO...."

But this was no dream, and, unlike the nightmare, I wasn't running for my life; I was racing to save something infinitely more precious.

"Like my premiere tickets to the crappy-ass Twilight movie! Or my Hot Topic coupons! Or my journal filled with bad poetry about life being pain! Or maybe a bag of money to save my drug-dealer boyfriend!"

This movie had about as much plot, but at least shit HAPPENED.

Oh dearie me, whatever can it be? Oh wait, Bella didn't show nearly this much Emo Panic in the last book when her MOTHER, allegedly her best friend in the world, was being threatened by an evil vampire. So yeah, this is obviously Edward. If it were a human, she'd be all, "Yeah, life sucks and stuff." If it were a non-Edward vampire, she'd be all "oh noes, someone do something!" But since it's her Hot Sparkly Emo Boy, she literally acts like the world is ending.

We are less than a page into this shitfest, and I am already sick of it.

My own life meant little to me today.

... which is okay. Since I'm a Sue, my life means EVERYTHING to everybody else?

Alice had said there was a good chance we would both die here.




Sorry, I'm trained to react that way if I even imagine them dying. Let it be bloody, slow and gruesome, pleez.

Perhaps the outcome would be different if she weren't trapped by the brilliant sunlight; only I was free to run across this bright, crowded square.

It's just heartbreaking that there aren't any BUILDINGS around a square that a creature moving faster than the eye can follow could possibly dash through. If only she could put on some freaking clothes that COVER her skin!

And I couldn't run fast enough.

If only I hadn't skipped every single gym class in high school, thus becoming horribly out of shape!

So it didn't matter to me that we were surrounded by our extraordinarily dangerous enemies.

... you know, the Jacob fangirls!

Seriously, it cracks me up that she has to TELL us that their enemies are not just dangerous, but EXTRAORDINARILY dangerous. "They're really dangerous, okay? I mean they're.... they're sooper-dooper dangerous! They're SOOOOOOOO dangerous! PLEASE BELIEVE ME!" Then again, Bella also thinks Edward is intimidating.

As the clock began to toll out the hour, vibrating under the soles of my sluggish feet, I knew I was too late—

... she's running on top of the clock? Maybe THAT is why you haven't gotten where you're going, you dumb bint.

and I was glad something bloodthirsty waited in the wings.

The word is "sparklepire." Stop pretending that the "something bloodthirsty" is a mystery to us. WE READ THE FIRST BOOK. WE KNOW WHAT IT IS.

For in failing at this, I forfeited any desire to live.

"I didn't run fast enough! I suck! I hope vampires kill me! Because I didn't run fast enough!"

Seriously, enough of Teh Mellow-Dramahz! We get it, Bella is stupid, melodramatic and frequently suicidal. We don't need this hammered into our skulls every five minutes.

The clock tolled again, and the sun beat down from the exact center point of the sky.

It's all soooooooooo dramatic! Isn't it dramatic? IS THIS STUPID PREFACE OVER YET?!

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