Monday, August 10, 2015

Twilight Chapter 5

Apparently to reinforce that bickering with Hot Rich Boy is a big deal, Bawla goes meandering off to English class and fails to notice that everybody is already sitting down with their books open. I'm sure she's smarter than the teacher anyway.

"Thank you for joining us, Miss Swan," Mr. Mason said in a disparaging tone.


Bawla also notices that Mike isn't sitting there, and actually feels guilty for a second. Then Smeyer remembers that Bawla is her Sue and must never have to deal with the consequences of her actions, so the boys still adore her despite her treating them like shit. She also makes sure to whine about how waaaaaaaa the beach trip is gonna be such a drag because it won't be warm'n'sunny just like the paradise that is Phoenix.

Of course, you can't go to the beach in Phoenix because it doesn't have any beaches... but oh, who cares, sitting in the desert is TOTALLY better than a chilly beach.

And since the beach trip and the Normal Guys are boring, Bawla goes back to wangsting ad nauseam about Eddie boy.

Maybe it was just a very convincing dream that I'd confused with reality. That seemed more probable than that I really appealed to him on any level.

I can actually agree with her on this matter. I can only assume that the entire series is a very convincing dream confused with reality, because it seems more probable than the idea that she appeals to any men anywhere.

And of course, she's freaking out like a pro when they go into the cafeteria, and Bawla basically ignores Jessica's babbling because she's trying to focus on Eddie-boy's PERFECT face. Oh woe! He isn't with his siblings.

I followed the still-babbling Jessica through the line, crushed. I'd lost my appetite — I bought nothing but a bottle of lemonade. I just wanted to go sit down and sulk.

It warms my heart to see such strong heroines who don't let their lives revolve around a man in modern literature. And then, my heart cools down again when I read about Bawla Wan, who loses her appetite and falls into a funk because a Hot Rich Guy isn't there for her to ogle.

But lo! Edward has actually moved away from the royal table and is sitting with the common sheep - and he's beckoning her to come sit with him, winking and gesturing and doing everything except screaming her name orgasmically across the room. So much for him claiming that she should avoid him like the proverbial plague only like, ten minutes ago - now he's trying to lure her over. Does Eddie-boy have an evil twin, or he just bipolar?

But instead of wondering THAT, Bawla just sort of drifts over and drools on herself because Heez So Beeyewtifull! I swear, eventually you get numb to Edward's reported perfection because Bella mentions it so often. It's like listening to a nasal-voiced moron dribbling at a mile a minute about her life - eventually your brain just tunes it out.

Eddie-boy decides to muddy the waters by saying totally nonsensical things.

"Well…" He paused, and then the rest of the words followed in a rush. "I decided as long as I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly."

Yes! Please do! And take Bawla Wan, Anita Blake and the other appalling Sues with you, m'kay?

Seriously, that is not just a really confusing thing to say, but a pretty selfish one since he's apparently decided that hey, he might as well have his fun while he's murdering people. And a girl with more intellect than your average paperweight would be thinking, "Okaaaayyyy, psycho!" at about this point... but not Bawla.

Instead, she and Hot Rich Guy gaze at one another and don't say anything for awhile. I get the feeling that Meyer is trying to make Edward all sexy-charming and mysterious, but frankly he's just making me think "serial killer" at this point.

"I know." He smiled again, and then he changed the subject. "I think your friends are angry with me for stealing you."

Is this our cue to point and jeer at the Ebil Jellus Bitches who now hate Bella for stealing the most desirable boy at school? Because I refuse to.

The girls are glaring at Bawla, and Eddie is flirting with her nonstop, which totally goes against the whole "you should stay away from me" thing. If he's telling the truth, then he's a sociopathic douchebag who should remain single and celibate all his days, since apparently he cares more about... whatever he wants to do than about petty morals.

In summary: Eddie-boy's decided he doesn't wanna be good and is just going to be a hedonist who sucks girls' blood. When you make Lestat at his worst look like a responsible and intelligent person, you have a problem.

Given Meyers' comparisons of this story to Pride and Prejudice, I suppose this whole conversation is supposed to be Very Deep And Important. But frankly it comes across as fluff instead.

He grinned. "Well, we can try, I suppose. But I'm warning you now that I'm not a good friend for you." Behind his smile, the warning was real.
"You say that a lot," I noted, trying to ignore the sudden trembling in my stomach and keep my voice even.
Yes, because you're not listening to me. I'm still waiting for you to believe it. If you're smart, you'll avoid me."


As we later discover, he sneaks into her bedroom and watches her sleep. So, y'know, her avoiding him is sort of a pointless exercise, especially since he's decided to do whatever the hell he wants, and her attempts to avoid him would lead to nothing at all.

And an interesting question about Eddie is: is he unaware that she's been stalking him for, like, most of the book thus far?

"I think you've made your opinion on the subject of my intellect clear, too." My eyes narrowed.
He smiled apologetically.

Nope, too easy.

And consider it another glob of phlegm in the face of feminist thought that not only does the "hero" of the piece think that the "heroine" is a blithering idiot, is completely open about his, and doesn't even think she HAS to be smart, but she's basically okay with him treating her as a dumbass as long as she gets to sit at his sparkly feet and drool. (And if I can point out another P&P contrast, Darcy never considered Lizzy to be stupid - gullible at times, but he was always very aware that she was smart)

Having taken back women's lib to the stone ages, Bawla then admits that she's trying to figure out what Edward is. Amazing, "fairy" doesn't seem to be one of the options. Apparently at present she "had been vacillating during the last month between Bruce Wayne and Peter Parker," which just makes her look even stupider because Bruce Wayne DOES NOT HAVE SUPERHUMAN POWERS. He has nifty gadgets that make up for his lack of superhuman powers. You don't even need to be a huge comic nerd to know that. Comic book fail.

When Eddie says her refusal to voice her theories is frustrating, Bella goes off on him again and starts screeching her list of grievances. Apparently there's no making this bitch happy.

"I can't imagine why that would be frustrating at all — just because someone refuses to tell you what they're thinking, even if all the while they're making cryptic little remarks specifically designed to keep you up at night wondering what they could possibly mean… now, why would that be frustrating?"

Bawla needs to take off her foil hat and stop assuming that everything EddieSparkleBoy does revolves around her and DELIBERATELY bothering her. He's done nothing to make her think that she's even remotely that important. Or does she think she's important enough in ANYONE'S mind for them to "specifically design" comments to keep her up at night?

"say that person also did a wide range of bizarre things — from saving your life under impossible circumstances one day to treating you like a pariah the next, and he never explained any of that, either, even after he promised. That, also, would be very non-frustrating."

Now we're entering the realm of delusion. Okay, he saved her life under impossible circumstances (let's leave aside the whole issue of "it happened, therefore it's not impossible"). His reasons for treating her like a pariah were simple - she acted like a crazy bitch and demanded to know stuff he clearly didn't wanna talk about, claiming that she was owed that knowledge BECAUSE he rescued her. Just about anyone WOULD treat her like a pariah. She also was SPREADING this information to everyone who didn't actively run away from her in the days that followed, which increased the chances that someone would cause him lots of trouble.

As for promising, he only did that under duress and the threat of Bella selfishly exposing his secrets via a temper tantrum, and so he doesn't really owe this whiny little bitch anything.

It also turns out that Eddie-boy can "read" people, with implied superspeshul telepathy powahz…. which don't work on Sues, only ordinary people.

I didn't feel like mentioning that my stomach was already full — of butterflies.

I'm sure that line sounded much wittier in Stephenie Meyers' third-grade love letter than it did in the real world.

And having sounded off on her crush, Bawla then decides to be a bitch for the random joy of it. Maybe she's acting as she will when they're married in sparkly bliss. When he tries to avoid her or let her down gently, she flies off the handle and tries to destroy his property. When he finally gives in and is nice to her, she keeps sniping and going over her many irrational grudges.

"I just wondered… if you could warn me beforehand the next time you decide to ignore me for my own good. Just so I'm prepared."

I guess we have proof that Bawla is completely antisocial - even when she finally gets her wish and gets to talk to the Hot Rich Guy, she can't think of anything to talk about except what a prick he is and how wronged she is. If Edward were a real guy instead of a sparkly Ken doll spawned from the sexual fantasies of an unfulfilled housewife, he would say, "Y'know what, I don't need this. I changed my mind. Bye."

Eddie then turns the tables on her and demands one "answer" from her. Bella agrees, then reneges the moment Eddie mentions that he wants one of her theories, claiming that since Eddie has broken promises it's okay. So she admits she's as bad as he is, after she bitches him out for these "broken promises"?

I blinked, my mind going blank. Holy crow, how did he do that?

… holy CROW? What does that mean? Look, I know Meyers is devoutly Mormon, but either cuss or get off the pot. It's "Holy CRAP." No actual teenager would think in faux-profanity like that, especially one who apparently has no religious beliefs and is perfectly fine with far more morally questionable behavior (stalking, vandalism, contempt for one's parents).

Anyway, Bawla's best idea is "bitten by a radioactive spider," which just reinforces that she has no imagination and apparently can't come up with a valid option that doesn't originate in pop culture... and even some of those pop culture references are wrong.

In fact, Eddie even mocks the fact that she has no imagination, and says she's nowhere near the target. Of course, the actual facts... are not ones you'd guess.

"You're not even close," he teased.
"No spiders?"
"And no radioactivity?"
"Dang," I sighed.

I'm sorry, did someone just switch out Bawla with a cleaner-mouthed Anita Blake, who generally needs things broken down to the subatomic level and THEN reexplained to her for the fifteenth time? If she starts talking about testing her understanding, I'll know that it's true.

And for the record, if secrecy is of the utmost importance, WHY THE HELL are they talking about this in a cafeteria? Cafeterias are not known for their muffled acoustics and private eating areas, which means that everybody around Bawla and Hot Rich Guy could probably hear this.

"Kryptonite doesn't bother me, either," he chuckled.

In the words of Bawla, dang it to heckle. I'll just have to find something else to get rid of him…

Anyway, Edward then decides to reel in the gullible fish by turning on the bad-boy act, because Bawla would never sleep with him if he seemed like an even remotely nice guy.

"What if I'm not a superhero? What if I'm the bad guy?" He smiled playfully, but his eyes were impenetrable.

Here's a big spoiler: he's actually a vampire.

And this is another appalling trend in modern urban fantasy: the angsty vampire. Okay, technically they've been around for well over a century (google "Varney the vampire" if you want more details), and Anne Rice's Louis has been around for a few decades. But for the most part we're treated to wangsty hawt douchebags who are always acutely aware of what tewwible, tewwible people they are and never do anything to improve themselves.

And even worse, the current trend is to assume that there's no actual moral error (or even greyness) in a wangsty vampire. In most urban fantasy seres now, any "bad guy" stuff is washed away because the vampire feels bad about it. Got that? You can murder, rape and manipulate people… but if you feel bad afterwards, you must be a good person who just Needs Wuv. For that matter, why does he even care about being identified as a bad guy if he's decided to throw morals (what few he has) to the wind?

Bawla finally figures out what Hot Rich Guy has been painting on the wall for the entire miserable book - HE'S DANGEROUS, YOU DUMBASS. Apparently it never crossed her tiny closed mind that maybe a guy who can deflect a runaway van BAREHANDED might be slightly hazardous to be around, and that maybe his magical superstrength might not just apply to vehicles. She doesn't even KNOW what this guy is, and yet somehow she never even wondered?

DAMN, she's stupid.

And since he's hot and rich, Bella decides that yeah, he's dangerous, but he couldn't possibly be BAD. Only ugly poor people are bad. Edturd insists that she's wrong, which sounds kind of stupid because we later find that he doesn't actually do anything that is scary. Illegal possibly, but that's a whole other can.

I stared at him, wondering why I didn't feel afraid.

Because you're so stupid that your head contains a singularity?

But I just felt anxious, on edge… and, more than anything else, fascinated. The same way I always felt when I was near him.

Betcha Bella's one of those people who goes to zoos and climbs into the enclosures to commune with large carnivorous animals.

Anyway, our dumbass heroine then notices that almost everybody has left the room, presumably because she and Eddie are really dull conversationalists. Edturd says that he's not going to class, and that it's healthy to skip sometimes. For some reason, Bawla is hellbent on going back to class even though we all know she's learned it all in the edifice of intellect known as Phoenix.

"Well, I'm going," I told him. I was far too big a coward to risk getting caught.

Bella is certainly a coward about most things in life, despite claiming that she doesn't care what people think. Yet for some reason when exposed to a bloodsucking predator, she's not scared at all. I'm sure it's meant to show that he's not really dangerous to HER because they're Meant To Be, but it just makes her look like a dumbass.

So, shockingly, Edturd stays at the table and Bawla goes running off to class so people can gawp at her and she can writhe at how horrible it is to be noticed. The class is biology, and the teacher rushes to have Bawla teach it since she knows everything. Wait, he doesn't. Anyway it's some sort of test involving blood drops from the students.

You know how Smeyer likes to focus on romances from the 18th and 19th centuries, when fainting maidens were totally in vogue? Well, she thinks they're still considered acceptable.

Yes, Bawla promptly goes all Victorian maiden and faints dead away at the sight of teeny tiny drops of blood, which is pretty stupid since she is Teh Sooper-Clutz who can't walk down an empty hallway without life-threatening injuries. You'd think that she'd be used to gore splattered everywhere from her dripping wounds of bloodiness, especially since she's regularly entrusted with a knife.

So Mike drags Bawla's whining carcass across the campus, and of course she's so squeamish that she needs him to keep his hand - which has only bled a single drop and has probably already clotted - in his pocket. Again, presumably this is meant to be an endearing flaw, but it fails for two reasons:

  1. It's not a flaw. A weakness, but not a personal flaw.
  2. Have I mentioned that it's totally inconsistent with Bella's preexisting non-flaws? Like that she's a SOOPER-KLUTZ?

But wait! We can't have Mike saving the swooning helpless female from her own stupid fainting fits. He's a nice friendly pleasant person, not a brooding Byronic asshole! So Edward swoops in for... no real reason, actually. He demands to take Bawla to the nurse instead of Mike, and Mike is SOOOOOOOOO threatened by Edward because Edward is scary, no really, PLEASE BELIEVE ME.

Then Eddie scoops her up into his arms despite her demands that she put him down.

Okay. The alleged Dream Guy is effectively kidnapping her.

Yeah, this pretty much sums up male-female relations in this series - apparently it isn't at all disturbing, creepy or just plain misogynistic that the Hot Rich Guy keeps ignoring Bawla's shrill cries for him to put her down. Screw free will! He's a MAN and therefore knows what is best for the womenfolk, bless their intellectually challenged hearts. He LUVS her so much that he takes away her free will because He Knows Best.

Keep an eye on this sort of behavior, because apparently True Love involves treating your girlfriend like a brain-damaged two-year-old. HOW ROMANTIC. During all this, Mike has conveniently disappeared, and there are no students are around to call 911.

As if this scene couldn't get any creepier or more sexist, he's also grinning and teasing her about fainting at the sight of blood, which elevates him from "insensitive" to "sadistic prick." This is further reinforced when he gets her to the nurse's office, and sits in a corner happily watching Bawla:

His eyes were bright, excited.

Like I said, sadistic prick.

So he sits in the corner snickering and grinning while Bawla tries to get over her nausea, and openly lies to the nurse by claiming that he's supposed to stay with her. At that point, I'd probably tell the douchebag to get his lying kidnapping ass out of there before I puked on him, but since he's Hot And Rich, Bawla just lies there mewling at him.

Since Edward is acting like a sadistic prick, he then comes up with the lame claim that he thought Mike was dragging her corpse to bury it in the woods. Even if Mike were the murdering kind (projection much?), this seems unlikely for two reasons:

  1. Bella was moving partly on her own. She was only LEANING on Mike.
  2. He spent the whole time around Bawla sneering, snickering and generally acting like her being sick was a giant hilarious joke. If you're concerned about someone, you rarely react to them being sick that way. In other words… DOUCHEBAG.

"Honestly — I've seen corpses with better color. I was concerned that I might have to avenge your murder."

This loses some of its how romantic oomph when you realize that he's also been plotting to kill her himself. "How dare you murder my tasty lunch? DIE!"

Eddie further establishes that he's a huge douche by happily talking about how Mike hates him, but that doesn't matter because Mike is an ordinary teenager who is therefore below them both. He also boasts about how he was sitting in the car listening to a CD... as if this is something to boast about.

Such a normal response — it surprised me.

Ha! Joke over! He was off having his sparkling nails buffed by a choir of angels, eating ambrosia and nectar and listening to the songs of the stars…. cuz he's that speshul. Someone who is Hot and Rich does not do NORMAL things.

So Bawla finally feels well enough to get up and go, at which point Mike arrives with another sick student from their class. So Eddie commands Bawla to go out to the office, and being a good little obedient woman, she does as she's told by the big smart strong man. She claims this is because she smelled the blood coming from Lee, which is apparently why he fainted.

"People can't smell blood," he contradicted.

Blood is one of the easiest things for a person to smell, and it doesn't take a lot of it for the smell to get overwhelming. Any woman who has ever had a period knows the precise smell of blood and how much it can stink. There's a reason why the smell is one of the FIRST things people tend to mention when describing gore.

But of course in Twilightland, blood doesn't smell, women don't have periods, and Bawla's ability to smell it makes her a Speshul Snowflake just like Eddie-boy.

Mike comes by and is understandably pissed, and since he's a mere mortal Bawla snaps at him to keep his hand in his pocket. Sure, he was the ONLY person to help her, and the ONLY person to not be a prick about it. But that doesn't mean she can't be a twat to him.

He wants confirmation that Bawla is going to be coming to the beach, assuming that Edturd doesn't decide to carry her off for her own good again. Bawla actually has a brief moments of empathy with poor Mike, who is being treated like a festering boil merely because he isn't Hot and Rich. Don't worry, she goes back to being a selfish bitch right away when she remembers that she has gym next, so Eddie goes to the teacher and says she's too sick to participate.

Again, he doesn't bother asking if she wants to beg out or not. HE DECIDES FOR HER. Because he has a penis, and that means he knows best.

Fainting spells always exhausted me.

Awww, what a delicate flower is Bawla. I'll let you know when I start caring.

"Actually, I was thinking I should take her home now. Do you think you could excuse her from class?"

Again, he doesn't bother asking if she WANTS to go home or stick around at school. He decides that that would be best, and to hell with what she wants.

And since he's finished charming the receptionist, Eddie starts mocking her again for no particular reason. Again, Bawla doesn't seem to care that he's acting like a huge douche, because she immediately asks if he's going to crash Mike's little field trip, which Mike made it clear he didn't want Eddie on. Like I said, selfish bitch.

He glanced down at me from the corner of his eye, smiling wryly. "I really don't think I was invited."
I sighed. "I just invited you."

Yeah, deliberately knowing that the guy organizing it doesn't want him along. But screw the rest of them, she wants to go to the beach to worship the Sparkly Bag O' Dicks and revel in his sadistic disdain.

"Let's you and I not push poor Mike any further this week. We don't want him to snap." His eyes danced; he was enjoying the idea more than he should.

Allow me to reiterate: sadistic douchebag. Mike apparently hasn't done a thing to piss him off, but this effeminate sadist is loving the idea of tormenting him.

"Mike-schmike." I muttered

I bet Mike's going to be SO glad he invited such a nice person along. But what do you expect of a Mary Sue? Nobody matters except her and her fellow Sues.

preoccupied by the way he'd said "you and I." I liked it more than I should.

Considering how he's treating her, the fact that she likes it at all is too much.

So Bawla heads toward her truck immediately, and Controlling Psycho Douchebag makes a reappearance. He grabs her by her jacket and physically DRAGS her toward his own car while she screams at him to let go. Of course, he ignores her and is outraged and indignant that the helpless little woman would ever think of driving with an upset tummy.

Frankly, the way he's acting, I'm amazed he's willing to let her drive at all. Or vote. Or wear shoes. Or leave the kitchen.

"Didn't you hear me promise to take you safely home? Do you think I'm going to let you drive in your condition?"

  1. Meyers seems to be a bit shaky on what "promise" involves. He didn't promise, and he certainly didn't promise HER.
  2. Note the interesting use of words - he isn't going to LET her drive. Obviously she only gets to drive if a MAN WITH A PENIS permits. Women can only do things when a man LETS them.

So the Walking Dickmaster keeps dragging Bawla against her will across the parking lot, which kind of sabotages his claim that he's SO worried about her physical well-being. He ignores Bella screaming at him to let her go and saying that his sister will bring the truck home for her (although how she is going to without keys is left up to our imagination). Then he lets go and she almost falls over.

"You are so pushy!" I grumbled.
"It's open," was all he responded. He got in the driver's side.

"You're so pushy, waa waa." How about blowing on a rape whistle?

But instead of heading back to the school like a SMART person, Bawla just stands there in the rain like an idiot. Eddie The Psycho Stalker orders her to get in, and threatens to drag her back to his car if she tries to go to her own car.

… it truly blinkers the mind that there are girls who think this shit is romantic and a sign of true love. In any series with a hint of realism, Bawla would be found raped and/or murdered in the river. But of course, Bawla doesn't seem even remotely worried about the superstrong, superfast, self-proclaimed dangerous guy acting like a psycho stalker. Instead she's upset because she's all wet and soggy-looking. Oh weepy whine, I might look bad in front of the amazing Rapeman!

And of course, Eddie-boy ignores her completely until she notes the Debussy tune playing in his car. Then Bella immediately forgets that she's been abducted by a psycho who enjoys her misery, because obviously they both LUV classical music which means they have something in common WHICH MEANS TROOOOO LUUUUUUUV.

"Not well," I admitted. "My mother plays a lot of classical music around the house — I only know my favorites."

Pretty contrived, given that Bawla's mother is established as having the same intellect as her idiot daughter. I sincerely doubt she could operate a CD player. Or would listen to anything more artistically substantial than Katy Perry.

And since Edward has acted like a psycho douche all this time, Meyers struggles to make him seem oh-so-nice at once by having him ask about her mom.

"She looks a lot like me, but she's prettier," I said. He raised his eyebrows. "I have too much Charlie in me. She's more outgoing than I am, and braver. She's irresponsible and slightly eccentric, and she's a very unpredictable cook. She's my best friend." I stopped. Talking about her was making me depressed.

  1. From the sound of it, it wouldn't take much to be prettier than Bawla. Presumably this is more of the false humility of the Sue.
  2. So is she saying her dad is ugly? Charming.
  3. It doesn't take much to be more outgoing and brave than Bella. There are hermits who are more outgoing than Bawla, and deserters with more guts.
  4. Apparently in Meyers' world, "irresponsible and slightly eccentric" is a code phrase for "mildly retarded." People who are merely irresponsible and slightly eccentric are usually able to navigate their neighborhoods without their teenagers calling the police.
  5. It's probably a good thing that Bawla doesn't have many friends, because if she treats her BEST friend with that much contempt. Nothing she's said thus far indicates more than pained tolerance of her mother.

"How old are you, Bella?" His voice sounded frustrated for some reason I couldn't imagine.

"… I just need to know because they said they'd try me as an adult if I screwed one more underage girl."

Seriously, is there anything about this chapter that DOESN'T just scream "sex predator"? Hey, now we know why everybody avoids Eddie, and it's not because he's too good for them!

"I'm seventeen," I responded, a little confused.
"You don't seem seventeen."

"You're so mature for your age. Way too mature for those boys. How about romancing a guy who's way too old for you, because your mind is SO mature and you couldn't possibly have anything in common with them?"

Seriously, again with the creepy Lolita vibes. I know Eddie is supposed to look the same age as Bawla, but frankly he's just sounding like he's hoping she's at the age of consent. Talking about how "frustrated" he sounds doesn't help either.

"My mom always says I was born thirty-five years old and that I get more middle-aged every year."

Yo, Meyer, the complimentary term for someone who's unusually mature is "You're an old soul," not "you're middle-aged." That's pretty much the worst compliment you can pay a teenager. It basically translates you: "You're boring, fusty and will probably be a burned-out alcoholic by thirty."

I laughed, and then sighed. "Well, someone has to be the adult."

Yeah, and it obviously isn't Bella. How can someone be "the adult" if they're too busy contemplating how great they are and having hormonal mood swings over boys?

Anyway, she says that he doesn't seem much like a junior himself, and for some reason they start having a rambling conversation about her mom again. He seems awfully interested in her mom, which is presumably meant to cause INSTANT CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT but given his interest in Bawla's age, it just seems like he's wondering if he can score with her mom. In fact it's a little weird that he's remembered her stepfather's name.

Either that or he's decided that her mom is obviously so stupid that he could distract her with a shiny object.

"Does it matter?" I countered. "I want her to be happy… and he is who she wants."

"No. I found out that even if you believe you're the 'mature' 'adult,' the courts STILL won't let you block your idiot mother from marrying some impoverished boytoy."

So Edward starts musing about whether her mom would allow her to marry a creepy sadistic stalker, which is especially creepy since he and Bawla have had like four conversations, most of which involved her acting like a crazy psycho bitch or him kidnapping her. Yeah, what says potential marriage like that?

"No one too scary then," he teased.
I grinned in response. "What do you mean by scary? Multiple facial piercings and extensive tattoos?"

Maybe I walk on the wild side (naaaaahhh) but facial piercings and tattoos do not define for me whether a guy is too scary or not. Also, given how incredibly vanilla Meyers is, I'd ask what "extensive" counts as. It probably means you have a smiley on your ankle or a demure nose ring.

Of course, Eddie-boy is trying to soften her up by playing the "I'm so scary and frightening I'M SUCH A BAD BOY PLEEEEEEEZE HAVE SEX WITH MEEEEEEE!" card, although if he's hoping to get laid, he should avoid parking his car in front of the girl's house. You never know when the sheriff and his gun might come out.

So since he's been pumping Bawla for information on her mom, she starts asking him about his freaky little incesty family. He claims to not remember his biological family and compliments his adoptive parents, which seems like the one non-contrived moment of character development he's had in the whole damn book thus far. Cherish that moment, for I doubt we'll get another.

"And your brother and sister?"
He glanced at the clock on the dashboard.
"My brother and sister, and Jasper and Rosalie for that matter, are going to be quite upset if they have to stand in the rain waiting for me."

Wow, what a nice guy. So basically he took the family car rather than Bawla's big-ass truck, which he volunteered his sister to drive home already, thus stranding his little incesty family during a rainstorm. So considerate. All this so he can get laid with the school psychobitch.

So rather than Bawla getting out and Eddiegirl going to get his family, they sit there and blabber at each other for another ten minutes. I seriously hope that Emmett kicks Edward's sparkly effeminate ass. And since this is Stephenie Meyer, the scene is full of scintillatingly witty dialogue that gives deep insights into the human psyche.

"I'm sure he's already heard. There are no secrets in Forks." I sighed.

Yes, obviously keeping a single parent informed that his daughter keeps getting "sick" or hurt at school and having to take the whole day off is a sign of what a wretched little small-town it is. Obviously no schools anywhere except Forks will do THAT.

Then Bawla gets dismal because Emmett and Edward are hiking. Of course since they're vampires, this is big foreshadowing and they aren't actually going "hiking" - but the mere fact that the crazy stalker who physically kidnapped her from school won't be around tomorrow fills Bawla with emo regret.

Then Edturd pisses her off by asking her not to fall in the ocean or get run over, which is not surprising since apparently she's hyper-squeamish and completely helpless. Thankfully, creepy dude then departs and the chapter ends.

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