Friday, August 14, 2015

New Moon Chapter 18

It was Jacob, of course. Even blind, Alice wasn’t slow.

No, the slow one is YOU, Bella. I've seen gastropods who had faster brains than you.

So Jacob is keeping himself calm, but he's clearly pissed off that Bella ditched the werewolves for a vampire. I can't blame him. After all, the Cullens skipped town and left Bella to get sucked dry like an orange, and the werewolves have been helping her despite her vampire connections. How does she show her gratitude? "Fuck the werewolves - I've got a vampire to latch onto!"

It brought back that awful afternoon when he’d chosen Sam over me, and I felt my chin jerk up defensively in response.

  1. Cuz it's not a total reversal, with her choosing Alice over him.
  2. No, it's obviously just Jacob being a mean ol' poopiehead.
  3. I have the horrible feeling that Smeyer would point to this scene to prove that seeeeee, Bella isn't a pathetic anti-feminist doormat who does whatever the men tell her to.
  4. Except this isn't being feisty or independent. She just acts like a bitch until she realizes that Jacob isn't going to bend, at which point she starts blubbing to make him feel bad.

He's also brought Jared and Embry with him.

I understood what this meant: they were afraid to let him come here alone.

Yes, imagine them sending backup for one of their own when facing their mortal enemy. How dare they!

It made me sad, and a little annoyed. The Cullens weren’t like that.

Except when they are.

So Bella is bitchy and hostile because Jacob isn't all love and roses for Alice, but for some reason we're only supposed to condemn JACOB's hostility. After all, this is a centuries-old conflict that Bella knows fuck-all about, but clearly SHE knows that they should just get over their hate for the Cullens! It's SO inconvenient for her!

When Bella says he can come inside, Jacob glances back at his friends, and Embry shakes his head.

“Chicken,” I mumbled under my breath.

"Bitchy little hypocrite," I mumbled under mine.

It's also stupid. The werewolves have shown NO fear towards the vampires; they've been all too enthusiastic. But then, Bella can't imagine anyone NOT being scared of the sparklepires, despite no evidence that they're top of the food chain.

This understandably pisses Jacob off. I mean, he's only been devoting all his time to protecting and/or babysitting this woman, and his pack is out there hunting a vampire that SHE brought there. And the way she repays him is by leaping back into the vampire fold the first chance she gets and barfing up all their furry secrets.

I locked gazes with first Jared and then Embry—I didn’t like the hard way they eyed me;

Awwww, does wittle princess not like the way the people she betrayed are looking at her? Too fuckin' bad.

Also, is she looking at both at the same time? How do you do that?

did they really think I would let anything hurt Jacob?

  1. Because if one of the Cullens decides, "Fuck the treaty; I'm gonna kill me some werewolves!" then Bella can TOTALLY stop them. Because… she reads a lot!
  2. Also, at least TWO of the Cullens didn't know about the treaty (I assume Jasper would have told his WIFE about it if he knew). Because… reasons.
  3. So yeah, if she hadn't been warned about the whole werewolf thing, Alice might have gone out and attacked Jacob.
  4. I think Bella radically overestimates how important she is to the Cullens and how much sway she has over them. Like I said, all of them except Edturd have gone on with life quite happily without her. Clearly she's on nobody's mind.
  5. I mean, do you really think Emmett is going to be stopped by a lazy, puny person who can't even bother to fight gang-rapists?

So Bella and Jacob are sarcastic and bitchy at each other for awhile, and I don't feel like studying every line. You know, considering Bella was considering pity-fucking Jacob forever, insists that he's her best friend who SO TOTALLY UNDERSTANDS HER and they braid their hair and get manicures together… she turned on him in an instant. Hell, he didn't even need to SAY anything before she suddenly turned on him. He just needed to be pissed off, and she decided that he's an asshole and acts like one too.

Yeah, in real life this would be Jacob finding out how just how much "friendship" counts for Bella Swan. She'll make you the center of her world and monopolize your time… until she doesn't need you anymore. Then she treats you like crap on her shoe.

And you notice how suddenly the werewolves are the enemy again? Literally a day ago, they were her best buds in the world and she was so totally in their clique and friends with them and all that… but as soon as Alice shows up, she's like, "I don't NEED you stupid smelly werewolves anymore! I have my sparklepires again!" And if they don't like her frolicking with their mortal enemies, then they're just assholes.

I didn’t like Jacob when he acted this way.

"I didn't like Jacob when he showed a spine! He should agree with me in everything!"

and his eyes tightened.


Jacob reveals that he really doesn't wanna be at Bella's house, and since one of his MORTAL ENEMIES is staying there, I can see why. If he ain't kicking ass, he's just standing awkwardly in a confined space where he could be ambushed.

Bella keeps bitching and sneering at Jacob while he asks some perfectly reasonable questions, like how long Alice will be staying.

“Do you think you could...please...explain to her about the other one—Victoria?”
I paled. “I told her about that.”

Why is she going pale just at the MENTION of Victoria's name? She is such a weenie.

Well, it turns out there's a legit reason for all this: because of the treaty, the werewolves are retreating back to the reservation and won't be patrolling the area. The presence of even a single Cullen means that nobody from La Push strays onto "their" land. In other words, tough shit for Bella if Victoria attacks, because she'll only have Alice to defend her. Good thing Alice's precognition is foolproof and NEVER fails her.

He also asks if the other vampires are also coming back to the area.

Jacob was becoming more like Sam....I wondered why that bothered me so much.

Well, if you're lucky, he'll rip open your face and then turn you into his barefoot, pregnant Stepford wife. After all, that's the most fulfilling life a woman can have.

It's pretty obvious that the pack has figured out Bella's manipulative ways. They clearly thought she had a genuine allegience to them and was a friend to them, especially since they're the only ones able to take down evil vampires. But once a vampire showed up, she ditched them faster than she ditched Jessica when some potential rapists showed up. So yeah, now they know how untrustworthy she is.

Will there be any fallout from this?

Are you kidding? Have you been reading the series?

I glared at him, annoyance rekindled. “Well, run along now. Go tell Sam that the scary monsters aren’t coming to get you.”

Yes, Bella. Keep pretending the pack is SCARED of your precious sparkling weenies and their inability to fight anyone or anything.

So Jacob starts to leave, but Bella promptly turns on the waterworks to make him feel bad for being such a meanie.

How had I made such a mess of everything? But what could I have done differently? Even in hindsight,I couldn’t think of any better way, any perfect course of action.

Well, you could have told them before that you still counted the Cullens as your friends, so they would know where your allegiences were. But no, you sniveled and whined and went "Save me, Jacob!", and then ditched him and the other werewolves once you had a chance.

And Jacob, poor dumb Jacob totally falls for the Crying Woman Gambit.

It was only when I saw the clear drops sparkling in my hands that I realized I was crying.

  1. Does she have carbonated tears?
  2. Oh wait, it's more unsubtle foreshadowing about her being destined to be a sparklepire.
  3. A thousand times bullshit at the "oh, I didn't know I was crying!" thing.
  4. When you're crying, you don't tend to be able to see very much. Cuz, you know, your eyes are full of tears.
  5. Wanna bet Bella pretty-cries too? No snotty nose or swollen eyes for Bawla Wan!

So even though the whole thing is Bella's fault, Jacob immediately starts blaming himself. Bella doesn't really notice, because she's too busy being annoyed that he keeps disliking the Perfect Perfect Cullens instead of worshiping them like he SHOULD. I mean, how could ANYONE dislike a bunch of idle-rich, self-absorbed, sociopathic prats like the Cullens?! THEY SPARKLE! And they're RICH! And IMMORTAL! And WHITE!

"Haha! We drink to stifle the pain of our hollow lives!"

“Can’t I be friends with you both at the same time?” I asked, my voice not hiding an ounce of the hurt I felt.
He shook his head slowly. “No, I don’t think you can.”

"Oh, why can't there be peace in the world, instead of people inconveniencing me with their centuries-long wars?"
"Bella, you need to just stop talking."
"My life is so soooooo haaaaarrrrd!"

And I notice that Bella doesn't seem to hold it against Alice that she detests the werewolves. No, it's only bad if the WEREWOLVES hate the sparklepires, not the other way around! The sparklepires can hate anyone they want, and Bella is cool with that.

Bella keeps sniveling and whining, and it's pretty obvious that the only reason Jacob is still speaking to her is because of the Crying Woman Gambit.

But for a moment, it seems like Bella is going to actually have to deal with some consequences to her actions. But then Smeyer shoots THAT idea in the face, and has Jacob assure her that once Alice has left, everything will be just the same. He won't hold being a fickle vampire groupie against her!

“Yeah, I’ll always be your friend,” he said gruffly. “No matter what you love.”

Yeah, clearly that's not an obvious set-up for Eclipse, especially since he doesn't say "no matter who else is your friend."

I felt his arms wind around me, and I leaned against his chest, still sniffling. “This sucks.”

Stephenie Meyer, master wordsmith.

Then Jacob gets a whiff of Alice on Bella's hair, presumably from the occasions when they were cuddling and pretending to sleep together.

And oh ew, she smells like vampire right now!

“Why does everyone keep doing that to me? I don’t smell!”

I imagine Bella smells like stale potato chips, cheap fabric softener and clothes that have been worn way too long.

“Yes, you do—you smell like them. Blech. Too sweet—sickly sweet. And...icy. It burns my nose.”

  1. I can totally imagine the sparklepires smelling "sicky sweet," like an oversugared donut with way too much glaze and corn-syrup filling.
  2. Course, it doesn't make much sense if they're supposedly DEAD, in which case you would expect them to smell like… DEATH.
  3. But Smeyer doesn't like to contemplate the "death" aspect of vampirism, because that means she actually wants to fuck a corpse. It's much better to want to fuck a statue.
  4. "Icy" is not a smell. It's a sensation. It's a temperature. When I open my freezer, I don't SMELL anything.

That was strange. Alice smelled unbelievably wonderful. To a human, anyway.

Isn't that the point? That they're supposed to be super-attractive so human prey will let their guard down?

I was going to miss him terribly when he walked out my door.

No. No, she won't. She hasn't thought about him once except when Alice brought up the topic, or when he phoned. Once he walks out, she'll get right back to forgetting all about him.

It was a nasty catch-22

The whole POINT of a Catch-22 is that it's nasty, you idiot.

And no, it's NOT a Catch-22 - it's the OPPOSITE. A catch-22 is a paradox where a person cannot solve a problem because of contradictory rules. Bella will get her way no matter what - either she gets to bask in the sparklepires' presence, or she gets Jacob back once Alice leaves.

on the one hand, I wanted Alice to stay forever. I was going to die—metaphorically—when she left me.

No, she's been claiming that she'll actually die - as in, be unable to survive - if she doesn't have someone around to "plug her hole."

Remember the "to save my life" quote from the last chapter?

But how was I supposed to go without seeing Jake for any length of time?

Very easily, since she's happily not seen him for the last day and a half.

Bella keeps trying to wheedle Jacob into being BFFs with Alice so she can have her cake and eat it to. But Jacob isn't tolerating that, especially since he'd love to slice and dice Alice's ass. And oh yeah, it would break the treaty.

“There’s no point in avoiding the truth. That’s the way things are, Bells.”
“I do not like the way things are.”

Gasp! Bella is dissatisfied with reality! Quick, get God or Eragon on the phone, and tell Him that centuries of free will must be undone PRONTO!

So they sit there smoldering and staring at each other in a transparent romance-novel way, and it's all horribly boring. I'm imagining bad violin music and vaseline on the camera lens.

No! I hadn’t made this decision yet. I didn’t know if I could do this, and now I was out of time to think.

… and another reason to hate Bella.

Hey, Smeyer? A girl can kiss more than one guy in her life. Just 'cause you kiss a dude doesn't mean you have to MARRY him, or even fuck him.

I wish I were watching Flight of the Conchords right now. That show doesn't suck.

But I would have been a fool if I thought rejecting him now would have no consequences.

WHY? Just say, "I can't deal with this right now." Or "you should get back to your friends."

Besides, she's never outright rejected him before. She just sits there passively while he paws at her, clutches her sweaty hand and probably gropes her boobs. Why would she start now?

He was not my Jacob, but he could be.

I just had to chloroform him and chain him in the basement!

He was my comfort, my safe harbor. Right now, I could choose to have him belong to me.

  1. Because a relationship is all about OWNING the other person.
  2. But who am I kidding? Every "perfect" relationship in this series is basically an abusive D/S relationship.
  3. If you need a reason to hate Bella, this quote will provide plenty of them.
  4. No matter how much bullshitting Smeyer does, quotes like this prove that Bella does NOT love Jacob in any way, shape or form. She only likes him because he lavishes attention on her. She considers him a THING, a convenient toy to make herself feel better.
  5. A person who has ANY kind of love for another person doesn't think of that person as a possession. And they don't think about how they have the power to MAKE that person theirs.
  6. Someone needs to tell Smeyer that pity-fucks are not about "making someone happy."
  7. And like everyone in Bella's life, Jacob's only value to her is what he can provide her with, strings-free. She only likes the Cullens because they can make her a gorgeous powerful rich immortal. She only tolerates Charlie because he gives her a free place to live and whatever money she wants. She only likes Jacob because her boyfriend dumped her and she wanted a new hot teen boy to fuck obsess on. She had various friends until they weren't of use to her anymore. If those people couldn't/wouldn't give her what she wanted, see how fast her "love" for them would evaporate.

This leads me to one of the boggest problems with the Twilight series: it's all about TELLING instead of showing. I'm not just talking about Smeyer having the offscreen battles all the time either. Smeyer constantly TELLS us how we should see people, what their qualities are, and how we should feel about them… but she doesn't have the self-awareness or talent to back it up.

We're constantly told what a caring, unselfish person Bella is, etc etc. But if you actually look at their ACTIONS, you'll notice that THEY'RE THE EXACT OPPOSITE. We're shown a cruel, shallow, selfish little sociopath who throws epic tantrums when she doesn't get what she wants, and whose "love" is entirely based on what people can give her (from money to immortality to orgasms).

True love was forever lost.

Whenever Bella mentions "true love" I want to punch a puppy.

The prince was never coming back to kiss me awake from my enchanted sleep.

What? WHAT enchanted sleep?

I was not a princess, after all.

Thank God. She's annoying enough as it is without talking about how she wants MORE.

So what was the fairy-tale protocol for other kisses? The mundane kind that didn’t break any spells?

"Oh, if only a girl could kiss more than one boy in her entire lifetime! And that one boy, of course, has to be her true love!"
"Bella, you're talking out loud again."
"If only I weren't the stand-in for dumb girls who have outgrown Disney princesses but still want shallow, unrealistic gold-digging relationships!"

Maybe it would be easy—like holding his hand or having his arms around me. Maybe it would feel nice.

I love how she makes kissing a guy who isn't her Troo Wuv sound like prostitution. Smeyer probably thinks it's roughly the same thing.

Actually, Bella's thinking about putting out just because of what she can get from Jacob. So yeah, it is a form of prostitution… except that poor dumb Jacob doesn't know what's going on.

Maybe it wouldn’t feel like a betrayal. Besides, who was I betraying, anyway? Just myself.

This is when all the little Twishite fangirls are supposed to squeal, "No, Bella! You'd be betraying Edward! He still wuvs you!" Because, you know, none of them have ever had an actual relationship.

But as someone who has actually spoken to a man without giggling, I disagree. She wouldn't be betraying ANYONE, including herself. SHE IS SINGLE. Single people can kiss, date and fuck whoever they want to without having to answer to anyone except God and their parents.

Since Bella is staring owlishly at his face and drooling, Jacob decides to zoom in for a kiss.

But don't worry, dear readers. Bella won't be forced to actually CHOOSE between saying "no" to a male character and kissing someone who isn't Edward. Why? Because the phone chooses that moment to ring.

Jacob pretty obviously is hoping that it's a telemarketer or wrong number, so he keeps Bella semi-immobilized while he answers the phone. And no, she's way too lazy to bother asking for it.

“Swan residence,” Jacob said, his husky voice low and intense.

"Hello, I'm calling about-"
"Sorry, not interested. I have a huge boner right now."
"… good to know."

But oh no! Suddenly Jacob hears something that makes him ANGRY. Careful, he might Hulk out!

and I would have bet the measly remainder of my college fund that it was Alice.

Well, she just lost that $5.60.

Jacob says that "He's not here" and adds "He's at the funeral," then hangs up. Which is a stupid thing to say, because we're told a minute later that he was talking to Carlisle… who is on the OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY. Why should Carlisle know that there's ANY funeral if he doesn't live in the area anymore?

Basically it's a transparent excuse to set up a big misunderstanding, which WOULDN'T have happened if Jacob had spoken like a normal person and said "He's at a funeral" instead of "He's at the funeral."

“Who did you just hang up on?” I gasped, infuriated. “In my house, and on my phone?”

It's not your fucking house OR phone, bitch. Just because you live there doesn't make it yours.

Jacob says it was Carlisle. Oh, what a shock. I wonder if it's secretly Edward doing the asspull voice-mimicry that we saw Alice do a few scenes ago.

“Why didn’t you let me talk to him?!”

"Because he said, 'And for the love of God, don't put Bella on the phone.'"

Jacob points out that Carlisle didn't ASK for Bella, just asked about Charlie and then hung up when Jacob told him. For some reason, this is depicted as being a nasty, vicious thing to do.

“You listen to me, Jacob Black—”

"You are supposed to somehow force Carlisle to stay on the phone so I can whine at him!"

But Jacob isn't in the mood for listening, and tries to run out of the house. Bella runs after him, followed by… this.

“Bye, Bells,” he spit out, and wheeled toward the front door.
I ran after him. “What is it?”

What do you think, you dim bint?!

And then I ran into him, as he rocked back on his heels, cussing under his breath. He spun around again, knocking me sideways. I bobbled and fell to the floor,

For the love of fuck, what kind of human pinata ACTS like this? So not only is she so lame that she runs into someone when they stop too quickly, but she can be knocked completely off her feet if they turn around!

my legs tangled with his.

Gotta wonder if there was another porn scene snipped from there.

“Shoot, ow!” I protested as he hurriedly jerked his legs free one at a time.

  1. How many legs does Jacob have?!
  2. Once again, note that when he's reminded of Bella's vampire-groupie status, he really doesn't give a shit about her.
  3. And what teenager is going to say "shoot" instead of "shit"? Oh that's right, a super-repressed Mormon one.

But then Alice appears at the bottom of the stairs, having a WangstGasm of her very own.

“Bella,” she choked.

"Charlie just bought Brussels sprouts for dinner!"

Her eyes were dazed and far away, her face drawn and whiter than bone. Her slim body trembled to an inner turmoil.

  1. "Trembled to an inner turmoil," huh? That's some vintage LKH writing there!
  2. Whiter than bone? That's her usual complexion, you dipshit.
  3. Don't forget, the vampires are whiter than white and delightsome, and nobody except Bella is half as pale!
  4. Wow, I wonder if that call was actually from Edward and now he thinks Bella is dead and he'll try to commit suicide, just like in Shakespeare's play. That would surprise me so!

“Edward,” was all she whispered.

"… is whining like a power drill."

Bella immediately swoons and has to be picked up by Jacob, because… I dunno. Her slow little brain hasn't grasped it yet, according to the text. So I guess she just swoons whenever ANYONE mentions Edward's name. Wouldn't it be hilarious if her part-time job had a coworker named Edward, and she swooned whenever anybody yelled for him?

My body reacted faster than my mind was able to catch up with the implications of her reply.

  1. So she's admitting that Bella lets her body do the thinking? I knew it!
  2. No, I'm serious. She doesn't actually THINK about this for several minutes. She just sits there… well...
  3. … as a lifeless catatonic lump. Even Alice tells her to quit sitting there and help!

My mind labored, unable to make sense of Alice’s bleak face and how it could possibly relate to Edward,

Yawn. We get it, Bella is incredibly slow and lives in De Nile. We found that out before Edturd's departure! Remember when she was convinced that he was going to sweep her away with them?!

Jacob’s furious voice was suddenly in my ear, hissing out a stream of profanities.

"Darn! Heck! Shoot! Catholic!"

I felt a vague disapproval. His new friends were clearly a bad influence.

Yes, those naughty Native Americans and their bad influences! If only he'd join the LDS, he'd be surrounded by good influences! Like Edward! Whose profanity in the previous book was JUST FINE, THANK YOU.

And REALLY? She's supposedly having a complete meltdown because her "Twoo Wuv" is going to kill himself, and she STOPS that so she can disapprove of him swearing?

Alice ignored him. “Bella? Bella, snap out of it. We have to hurry.”

"No, Bella, don't keel over and whine. Oh, forget it. I might as well have the werewolf help me!"

Jacob and Alice sneer back and forth for a minute, until Bella realizes that the focus is getting off her, and asks what's going on.

“Alice?” My voice was weak. “What happened?” I asked,

"Well, you fell over and started whining about an imaginary hole in your chest."

Also, note the incredibly awkward way that's written above. It keeps jolting you in and out of the dialogue. Here's the same line, but rearranged: "Alice? What happened?" I asked…. My voice was weak. Was this book not edited at ALL?!?!?!?!

“I don’t know,” she suddenly wailed. “What is he thinking?!”

Well, I'm gonna make a wild guess and say he's going to imitate Romeo Montague. Because, you know, that torturously obvious foreshadowing from Bella's birthday wasn't memorable or anything.

Alice then whips out a cell phone and calls Rosalie… wait, cell phones still exist in this world? I was wondering if we'd jumped back in time to the mid-1990s, which would explain why both Edward and Carlisle are inexplicably incommunicado whenever they're not in a house. After all, you can only receive calls on a land-line phone! Probably with a rotary and party line!

And that's the problem with transplanting the whole Romeo and Juliet scenario to a modern 21st-century setting. It doesn't work. There are too many forms of communication that can be used to contact someone way too easily for this kind of problem to arise. A bunch of rich, cosmopolitan, techno-lovin' vampires are not going to be HARD TO LOCATE.

The whole ending of Romeo and Juliet depends on LACK of communication. The scenario is that the friar gives Juliet a potion that causes her to go into a deathlike state for a few days, and she takes it the night before her wedding to Paris. Of course, the friar sends a message to Romeo telling him of this scheme, but the messenger somehow doesn't make it. Instead, Romeo hears through the grapevine that Juliet has died for real, and immediately buys an illegal potion to commit suicide with. The friar is unable to figure out what happened until it's too late because he doesn't know.

What would happen today? Well, the friar would contact Romeo on his cell phone, tell him what happened, and he and Juliet would manage to escape Verona and presumably live miserably ever after as Juliet suffered through countless infidelities.

Now I'm not saying that this COULDN'T ever work in a movie or book, but you have to ADJUST. This doesn't. It just pretends that 21st-century technology doesn't exist or work for as long as Smeyer wants it to.

Since Rosalie is at home and cell phones don't work, she picks up the phone and confirms that Carlisle is totally incommunicado.

"Look, have you heard anything from Edward?”

"Oh, plenty. According to him, life is pain, love is dead, there's nothing worth living for because he doesn't have a girlfriend, and he's going to go off and die now. You know, the usual."

But oh no! It turns out that he DID call, and Rosalie told him about Alice's 100% reliable vision, because as we know, Alice is ALWAYS right. Of course! It all makes sense now! It's ALL THE BLONDE'S FAULT!

Yes, for some reason all the blame is being thrown on Rosalie, because she's blonde. Apparently she was supposed to lie to Edturd or whatever, because he couldn't handle the truth that his girlfriend supposedly killed herself. If she told him with the specific intention of making him kill himself...

… then I LOVE YOU ROSALIE. Anyone who tries to take out Bella or Edturd has my eternal adoration.

“Why?” she gasped. “Why would you do that, Rosalie?”

"Why would you tell him the truth?! Why don't you lie like Edward and Bella do?!"

“Well, you’re wrong on both counts, though, Rosalie, so that would be a problem, don’t you think?” she asked acidly. “Yes, that’s right. She’s absolutely fine—I was wrong....It’s a long story....But you’re wrong about that part, too, that’s why I’m calling....Yes, that’s exactly what I saw.”

Well, excuse meeeeeee, Miss Pixie Bitchface. Not everybody can see the future like you can, and it's pretty damn assholish to bitch people out because they can't somehow foretell

  • when you're wrong, since we're constantly assured that you never are.
  • who's going to commit suicide if you tell them something they don't like.

Yeah, this is the point of the series when Alice starts her transition to Bellaesque bitch. No, she never becomes as bad as Bella, but she definitely stops being a sympathetic character, showing off her bigotry and her nastiness.

“It’s a bit late for that, Rose. Save your remorse for someone who believes it.”

  1. Yes, Rosalie must be lying if she ever makes a mistake, because she is incapable of seeing the future. Of course.
  2. Well, you know, she's blonde and they're capable of any evil. When in doubt, blame the blonde!
  3. And what do you want to bet that Alice will NEVER apologize for being a bitch to Rosalie?
  4. Wait, so while she was rushing out the door in a panic, Alice stopped so she could tell Jasper AND Rosalie (possibly Emmett too) about her vision? Clearly she wasn't in THAT much of a hurry!
  5. Yeah, marvel at the Cullens and how much of a "perfect" family they are. Edturd flounces off as soon as he gets emo, Carlisle is implied to be a pederast, Rosalie clearly hates Edward and doesn't care if he suffers, and Alice treats Rosalie like shit when Rosalie makes a mistake.
  6. Marvel at the perfect Mormon family, dammit! YOU MUST WANT TO BE LIKE THEM! YOU MUST BE STEPFORDIZED!

Her eyes were tortured as she turned to face me.

"I just sat on my keys."

“Alice,” I blurted out quickly. I couldn’t let her speak yet. I needed a few more seconds before she spoke and her words destroyed what was left of my life. “Alice, Carlisle is back, though. He called just before....”

HOW STUPID ARE YOU? It was just confirmed that Carlisle ISN'T back, and Alice showed off the voice-mimicry trick only a day ago!

And lo and behold, that is exactly what happened. It wasn't actually Carlisle, but Edturd! What a shocking turn of events!

“He asked for Charlie, and I told him Charlie wasn’t here,” Jacob muttered resentfully.

Why did he do that? Wouldn't it make more sense to ask for Bella? Then if she IS dead, then the response would just be, "She passed away last xxxxday." And if she ISN'T, then presumably he could assume she was alive.

It's also weird that he pretended to be Carlisle. Why would he do that? For all he knows, Charlie would respond to any of the Cullens woith a hearty "fuck you" and then hang up. Wouldn't it make more sense to just imitate a random stranger? Just pretend to be someone who isn't a vampire at all, and ask for Bella on the phone. Then Charlie - or Bella, if she answers it - will answer.

But then the so-called plot would be over, and we can't have that. So instead he asks things in a weird roundabout way which gets him an equally weird response.

“He said, ‘He’s not here,’ and when Carlisle asked where Charlie was, Jacob said, ‘At the funeral.’”

… again, who talks like that? Or does Jacob have the provincial idea that people in New York will know that Forks has but one funeral and who it's for?

Smeyer twists this entire plot point into a pretzel, phrasing things in the weirdest, most unnatural ways so it will get the desired effect! That is shitty writing! SHITTY, SHITTY WRITING!

So Alice reveals what we already figured out because… well, we're not as stupid as Bella. Bella is relieved because hey, he just thinks that she's dead. No big deal!

“Rosalie told him I killed myself, didn’t she?” I said, sighing as I relaxed.
“Yes,” Alice admitted, her eyes flashing hard again. “In her defense, she did believe it."

Well, clearly that didn't keep you from calling her a liar a minute ago. Again, wanna bet there are no apologies forthcoming?

"They rely on my sight far too much for something that works so imperfectly."

Yes. They do. So why do they do that, pray?

"But for her to track him down to tell him this! Didn’t she realize...or care...?”

Here's a thought: maybe she thought he deserved to know. Eventually he'd figure it out anyway… since he can read people's minds.

And you know what? Even if she DID do it to hurt him, I'm glad. Because Edturd is a controlling asshole who treats women like shit, so the idea of a woman striking back at him makes me happy.

But wait… Alice is claiming that Rosalie tracked Edturd down just to tell him, "Haha, your ex girlfriend is dead! Sux to be you"? Several points:

  1. WHY DIDN'T ALICE SEE THIS? Why does ANYONE rely on her fucking foresight when half the time she doesn't see anything until it's too late, and the other half her visions are WRONG?
  2. It would take hours for Rosalie to travel to South America!
  3. And considering that this shit all went down in JUST THE LAST FIVE MINUTES, how did Rosalie get back to Ithaca?
  4. Or does she mean that Rosalie just spent all day on the phone, trying to locate Edturd in South America? Because again… WHY DIDN'T ALICE SEE THIS? Do her powers have jet lag?!
  5. And clearly she DIDN'T realize, you jackass. The fact that she expressed surprise at the idea shows it.

Bella isn't really upset at her boyfriend being in emotional pain over this mistake, because… well, there's no reason. TROO LUV!

Why was she so panicked? Why was her face twisting now with pity and horror? What was it she had said to Rosalie on the phone just now? Something about what she’d seen...and Rosalie’s remorse;

Once again, this just illustrates that Bella is slower than a glacier. And we're supposed to marvel at her as some sort of genius wunderkind.

Rosalie would never feel remorse for anything that happened to me.

  1. And that is why I like her!
  2. Why would she feel remorse? SHE HASN'T DONE ANYTHING TO YOU!
  3. I think Smeyer means "regret," but used the word "remorse" even though remorse ONLY is applicable when you've done something bad to somebody, or at least think you have.
  4. Or does Bella think that Rosalie calling Edturd to say "Haha, ur girlfriend's dead, sux to be u!" is all about BELLA?

But if she’d hurt her family, hurt her brother...

  1. She's not hurting her "family," you dim bint. Like I said, the Cullens other than Edturd seem to be getting along very well with their lives WITHOUT Bella.
  2. And honestly, I don't see Rosalie giving much of a shit about hurting Edturd. Like I said, she clearly hates him.
  3. And he hates her right back.
  4. But hey, we gotta keep pretending that "family" means something to these people and that they all love each other. The Mormon family ideal must be upheld!
  5. Also, he isn't even really her brother. Keep pretending that they are, but in fact they are both victims of a selfish pederast.

“Bella,” Alice whispered. “Edward won’t call again. He believed her.”
“I. Don’t. Understand.”

FOR. THE. LOVE. OF. FUCK. I have met gerbils with more brain capacity than Bella.

“He’s going to Italy.”

"You mean he's going on vacation WITHOUT ME?"
"Uh, not exactly-"
"He's going to romantic expensive places WITHOUT ME?"
"Bella, you need to lis-"

It took the length of one heartbeat for me to comprehend.

Whose heart? Because I sure ain't buying that Bella could figure it out that fast. I'm amazed she's able to put on pants without help.

So through the mighty power of cut-and-paste, Smeyer reminds us about the Volturi.

But I wasn’t sure how to do it....I knew Emmett and Jasper would never I was thinking maybe I would go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi....You don’t irritate them. Not unless you want to die.

"So whatever you do, NEVER EVER park in their parking spaces."

So yeah, Bella figures out that Edturd is going to try to kill himself. No shit. I only figured this out in the first chapters of the book.

“NO!” The half-shrieked denial was so loud after the whispered words, it made us all jump.

Jacob started rolling around on the floor with blood gushing from his ears, but I didn't care! Edward was in danger!

“No! No, no, no! He can’t! He can’t do that!”
“How dare he!” I screamed.

"It's perfectly normal and natural for a girl to be suicidal over her boyfriend ditching her! But a guy committing suicide over a mere unimportant GIRL? HOW DARE HE!"

“He made up his mind as soon as your friend confirmed that it was too late to save you.”

Again… WHY DID ALICE NOT SEE THIS? Apparently Rosalie has been planning to tell him for hours, yet apparently that path wasn't set until she actually DID IT.

“But he...he left! He didn’t want me anymore! What difference does it make now? He knew I would die sometime!”
“I don’t think he ever planned to outlive you by long,” Alice said quietly.

  1. Remember this comment. Remember it. It's going to hurt.
  2. Note that his family apparently KNEW he was potentially suicidal, but… none of them gave enough of a shit to try to counsel him or prevent it.
  3. What a perfect, perfect family of perfection.
  4. You know, like how they could prevent it just by turning Bawla into a vampire… which would remove all impetus to kill himself. If they supposedly "love" him, then they would do that just to keep him alive. THAT IS HOW LOVE WORKS, YOU DIPSHIT.
  5. The fact that everyone - including Alice - apparently just goes, "Oh well, when Bella finally kicks it, he's gonna kill himself. Whatever. Shittake happens" really shows the Cullens at their best!
  6. Hell, if he's SO devastated by the idea of her dying that he wants to kill himself, why doesn't he just turn her?! That way, they BOTH win.
  7. Oh wait, if his girlfriend is a vampire, he can't constantly dominate her .

I was on my feet now, and Jacob rose uncertainly to put himself between Alice and me again.
“Oh, get out of the way, Jacob!” I elbowed my way around his trembling body with desperate impatience.

Jacob, dude, you should just take a hint.

Bella asks if they can call him, but Alice reveals that Edward immediately ditched his cell phone somewhere in Rio, so they can't reach him. How dramatically convenient.

Also, I can't see why Edward would THROW AWAY his phone. I might be able to buy that he was so upset he crushed it in his hand or threw it across the room, but… there's no reason to just toss it in the trash, unharmed.

I think the idea is that he didn't want the Cullens contacting him… but cell phones have these nifty functions like BLOCKING CALLS and CALLER ID. Not to mention volume control. All you have to do to avoid specific people is NOT ANSWER THE PHONE. In movies and books, people only toss aside their cell phones when they don't want someone TRACKING them. That's very different from "I don't want X or Y calling me."

See what I mean about how Smeyer regresses technology whenever it's convenient? This is like a cell phone as written by a person who has never actually used one.

“You said before we had to hurry. Hurry how? Let’s do it, whatever it is!”

"Okay, first we stop for tacos…"

“We may already be too late. I saw him going to the Volturi...and asking to die.”

"He was threatening to sit in their living room and be pretentious and emo! They ripped off his head immediately!"

No, apparently the Volturi haven't made up their minds yet. Yeah, I guess this is a common thing for them - emo teens walking in and saying that they want to die.

We both cringed, and my eyes were suddenly blind. I blinked feverishly at the tears.

Tears do not make you BLIND, you oozing clod.

“But if they say no, and they might—Aro is fond of Carlisle, and wouldn’t want to offend him"

Because of course the villains can't have any kind of compunction against killing other vampires or anything. They're Catholics villains, so they have no morals at all. It's purely for self-interest if they refuse!

But Edward has a cunning plan! Like Baldrick's, but with less subtlety!

"If Edward does something to upset the peace, he thinks they’ll act to stop him. And he’s right. They will.”

So clearly public nudity is the only answer.

“So if they agree to grant his favor, we’re too late."

"Quick! Jacob, find me some pills for my dramatic suicide!"
"Get them yourself."
"Still don't care."

"If they say no, and he comes up with a plan to offend them quickly enough, we’re too late."

Well, Edward's as slow as Bella, so it could take days before he figures out something.

Why doesn't he just attack the Volturi leaders if he wants to die so much? I mean, we find out they have bodyguards. Wouldn't they just pop off his head?

"If he gives into his more theatrical tendencies...we might have time.”

What theatrical tendencies? Unless she means he secretly likes musical theater which wouldn't surprise me, we have seen NO theatrical tendencies.

"Whether we are in time or not, we will be in the heart of the Volturi city. I will be considered his accomplice if he is successful."

… why?

Oh right, Catholics are evil. Your questions are invalid!

"There’s a very good chance that they will eliminate us all—though in your case it won’t be punishment so much as dinnertime.”

So in other words, the Volturi will be acting… like vampires.

… wait, does this mean that we might actually get to see ACTUAL VAMPIRES ACTING LIKE VAMPIRES? That might actually happen? My heart might explode with joy if that happened!

“This is what’s keeping us here?” I asked in disbelief. “I’ll go alone if you’re afraid.” I mentally tabulated what money was left in my account, and wondered if Alice would lend me the rest.

Yes, Bella is so helpless that even when she decides to do actually get off her lumpy ass and DO something... she can't actually do anything.

“I’m only afraid of getting you killed.”
I snorted in disgust. “I almost get myself killed on a daily basis!"

That dialogue was so bad that it actually gave me a nosebleed. I may not survive to the end of this book!

Smeyer belatedly remember that hey, Charlie exists. Bella pretends that she cares about leaving Charlie all alone when Victoria is nearby, because we're still pretending that that is more dangerous.

“I’m not going to let anything happen to Charlie.” Jacob’s low voice was gruff and angry. “Screw the treaty.”

... um, the treaty will stop being in effect once Alice leaves town. Which she's about to do. Am I the only one remembers how it works?

Oh right, this is the point where Jacob is supposed to be all rebellious and defy his people's treaties for the sake of a whiny white Mormon girl who is currently chasing another boy. Never mind that it makes no sense! And is racist, especially when you consider ALL THE OTHER problematic things.

... if I'm found standing over a heap of bloodied, hacked-up corpses with a machete in hand and a crazed gleam in my eye... just tell the police it was Twilight. This book series could drive anyone to homicide.

Since Bella is useless, she's unable to even FIND A PEN without Jacob's help, and scrawls a stupid message.

Dad, I wrote. I’m with Alice. Edward’s in trouble. You can ground me when I get back. I know it’s a bad time. So sorry. Love you so much. Bella.

  1. No, he really can't ground her. She's eighteen.
  2. I know Smeyer thinks that you're only really an adult when your parents sell you in marriage to a dominating asshole, but in the real world, American teenagers are legal adults when they reach eighteen.
  3. As long as she doesn't take his property or use his credit cards, she isn't doing anything wrong!
  4. And why would he ground her anyway? I don't recall him forbidding her to rescue her ex-boyfriend from his own stupidity.
  5. Is there a reason she's leaving a note instead of leaving him a message on his cell phone? Oh right, that might lead to the characters actually talking about something important.

Jacob them randomly begs her not to go. Yes, he now doesn't care if people die, as long as he gets some Bella ass. Admittedly I don't care if Edward dies, but this is meant to actually be a conflict.

I wasn’t about to waste time arguing with him.

"... for he is not white and rich! If he defies my will, he shall be shunned!"

“Get your wallet—you’ll need ID. Please tell me you have a passport. I don’t have time to forge one.”

  1. "We're vampires, so felonies don't count! Because we're white and rich!"
  2. Really? Bella is so stupid that she doesn't know that you might need ID to get through an airport, especially in post-9/11 America?
  3. And she also didn't realize that she needs a passport to go to Italy? Does she figure that the Cullens have a private plane parked in the driveway?
  4. Well, you really don't need a passport for Bella. Just put a handle on her and claim she's luggage. Nobody will know the difference.

Unfortunately for us, Bella DOES have a passport. Why? Because my mother had wanted to marry Phil on a beach in Mexico. Of course, like all her plans, it had fallen through. LOL, laugh at how dumb Bella's mother is! And come on, getting married on a beach in Mexico is NOT that complicated or uncommon. Smeyer makes it sound like she wanted to get married in lunar orbit.

And since every second is of the essence, Bella doesn't just grab her wallet - she also grabs a sloppy change of clothes and her toothbrush. I think this is meant to make her look sensible, but it just makes her look like she doesn't actually give a crap about Edward's impending death. Well, if he dies, she can just marry Alice.

At least, unlike the last time—when I’d run away from Forks to escape thirsty vampires rather than to find them—I wouldn’t have to say goodbye to Charlie in person.

"I could avoid the discomfort of actually interacting with my dad. That would be SO inconvenient!"

So when she comes wandering out, Jacob and Alice are having a long-distance fight about poor wittle Bella and how much danger she's in. Jacob is pointing out that the Volturi are not like the Cullens and won't hold back at all, and Alice is all like, "Oh yeah? Well, you suck!"

“Yes. You’re right, dog.” Alice was snarling, too.

So it's bad and nasty and vile for Jacob to call the vampires "leeches," but Alice calling him a "dog" is just fine with Bella.

And no, Bella gives not one fuck about Alice insulting Jacob.

“The Volturi are the very essence of our kind—they’re the reason your hair stands on end when you smell me. They are the substance of your nightmares, the dread behind your instincts. I’m not unaware of that.”

  1. ... no. No, they're not. They're a bunch of pseudo-Anne-Rice fops who hang around in an underground cave and... don't really do very much.
  2. My nightmares and dreads are WAY scarier than anything Smeyer's brain could conjure.
  3. Yes, keep trying to convince me that the Volturi are scary.
  4. And a small writing tip: if your villains are scary, they will scare people. If they're not, then screaming, "They're so scary that instincts are based on them! They're the stuff of nightmares! Even people who don't know of their existence will react to their kind! THEY ARE THAT EVIL AND SCARY PLEASE BELIEVE MEEEEEEE!" will not scare people any more.

“You think she’d be better off if I left her here alone, with Victoria stalking her?”
“We can handle the redhead.”
“Then why is she still hunting?”

Good question. Here's another good question: why weren't you ready to help Bella by killing Victoria? Oh right, you're useless.

And after spending five minutes watching them bicker, Bella is now suddenly wild with impatience and screeching at Alice to go with her. But before she can go, Jacob has to humiliate himself a little more by continuing to beg her to pleasepleaseplease PRETTY PLEASE stay here and have sex with him be safe.

“You don’t, though. You really don’t. You could stay here with me. You could stay alive. For Charlie. For me.”

Yeah, this is the point where Jacob really starts showing his Edwardian colors: on with the emotional manipulation! He hasn't quite turned into a sexual predator who forces girls to kiss him and pervs on babies, but he's now acting like an asshole who tries to manipulate girls into not rushing off to other guys.

Bella acts like she's sad, even though she's made it clear that she doesn't really care how Jacob feels. But hey, she has to keep that werewolf on a string, so she hugs him and kisses his hand, just to make sure that he won't decide to sleep with Leah while she's gone.

I threw my arms around his waist and hugged for one too-short moment, burying my tear-wet face against his chest.

Again, is Bella some kind of hobbit? Unless Jacob is at least TEN FEET TALL, she should not be hugging him there.

And how can this book have actually been put out by a major publisher without an editor catching that? I'm just some schmuck on the Internet, and yet I keep catching flaws that ACTUAL PROFESSIONALS didn't! Hey, major publishing companies! HIRE ME! Clearly I do a better job with this crap than your current editors do!

He put his big hand on the back of my hair, as if to hold me there.

... I bet he did. Finish that blowjob!

So Bella hops in the car, and Alice drives away. I think Smeyer thinks this is a heartfelt, emotional moment, but all I can think of is that less than a chapter ago, Bella basically said she didn't give a shit how Jacob felt. And yes, she did mean it.

“Take care of Charlie!” I turned to shout out the window,

Again, why does Charlie need care? Oh right, if Bella ISN'T around, then the vampire who wants to kill her will inexplicably want to kill her dad because she ISN'T there.

I caught sight of a shred of white near the edge of the trees. A piece of a shoe.

Oh, dearie me.

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