Wednesday, August 12, 2015

New Moon Chapter 10

Ten chapters. We are TEN CHAPTERS into this steaming pile of... of Twilight. And like the previous book, there is not a single hint of an actual plot yet.

I am for serious, people. NOTHING IS HAPPENING. This is the first time when something sorta kinda like an actual plot appears, after NINE SOLID CHAPTERS of drivel where exactly one thing happens: Bella is dumped. That's it. NOTHING ELSE. The rest of the book is a solid lump of plotless mediocrity where we do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING EXCEPT LISTEN TO BELLA'S CRAPPY RECOUNTING OF HER BORING BORING LIFE AND ALL THE BORING THINGS SHE DOES AAARGGGHHH HATE RAGE HHAAAAAATTTTEEEEE....

Okay, I'm calm, I'm calm.

But seriously, this is the first time in the book when something SIMILAR to a plot comes up. I won't say it actually IS a plot, because.... it isn't. It's basically someone popping up to go "booga booga," and the ultra-obvious "twist" Smeyer has been hammering us with for the last book and a half.

Also, the "plot development" in this chapter doesn't actually lead to anything until the next book. So... yeah, this chapter... is really kinda boring too. Well, at least it isn't JUST Bella yammering about her phantom pain and her boring-ass life.

Hey, Twilight fans. Explain this to me: Why do you find a day-by-day recounting of a really boring teenage girl's really boring life so fascinating? I mean, why do you keep rereading this crap? Don't we all have enough tedium and boring days where nothing interesting happens - stomach bugs, homework, dinner with parents - in real life without hearing about a fictional character's equally boring life?

And y'know, I don't have a problem with working the mundane into a fantasy. But you know what? You need to somehow make it interesting. And you need to know HOW MUCH ordinary everyday stuff to include in the story, and how much awesome stuff to include.

The Shire = interesting and relevant to the plot.
Hogwarts = interesting and relevant to the plot.
Bella talking about her homework schedule = BORING.


Anyway, Jacob doesn't call. Bella then decides to show how much she DOESN'T love Jacob by stalking him. And lest anyone assume that this is just platonic concern... Bella doesn't HAVE platonic concern for other people. Once she gets a boyfriend, she doesn't give a shit about anybody or anything other than him, his family, and what he can do for her. And how did she get that boyfriend? BY MUTUAL STALKING.

So Bella spends the next few days constantly calling Billy's house to find out about what's going on. Billy is probably pretty pissed off by now.

Saturday, I decided to go see him, invitation be damned.

It's not that they didn't invite you. It's that both of the house's residents told you to STAY AWAY. What do you need, a restraining order?

But the little red house was empty. This frightened me—was Jacob so sick that he’d needed to go to the hospital?

Holy crap, they actually left the house to get away from her.

I stopped by the hospital on the way back home, but the nurse at the front desk told me neither Jacob or Billy had been in.

"They also say, stop calling us and following us, you crazy cow. What part of 'go away and don't visit' don't you get?"

In fact, Bella isn't happy with just harassing ONE family, and forces her father to bug the Clearwater family.

the conversation seemed to go on forever without Jacob even being mentioned. It seemed that Harry had been in the hospital...some kind of tests for his heart.

TCHAH! Like, who cares about some old guy's heart problems? Charlie should only be talking about the hot guy that Bella totally isn't into but is still stalking!

“Harry says there’s been some trouble with the phone lines, and that’s why you haven’t been able to get through. Billy took Jake to the doc down there, and it looks like he has mono. He’s real tired, and Billy said no visitors,” he reported.

"He also says no French-kissing and dry-humping in the garage until Jacob's better."
"But that's all that passes for my life!"

“No visitors?” I demanded in disbelief.

"Like, this is totally unexpected! Who would have thought that when you get sick with a contagious disease, you might not get large amounts of visitors?"

Bella SOMEHOW psychically knows that Billy is lying. She doesn't have any actual reason to believe it, she just somehow KNOWS that Billy is lying and has some ulterior motive. Or, you know, she automatically assumes that anything that keeps hot boys from flocking around her for DAYS at a time must be a secret evil conspiracy!

Instead, I went straight upstairs and turned on my computer. I found a medical site online and typed “mononucleosis” into the search box.

I then sat there for a few hours because we're the last family in the world to have dial-up.

I wonder what is up with the sudden web-friendliness in this novel, since the previous one was apparently set in 1995.

All I knew about mono was that you were supposed to get it from kissing, which was clearly not the case with Jake.

  1. Yes, because if he's sniffing around YOU, he couldn't possibly be making out with anyone else even though he spends most of each day at a different school. DUMBASS.
  2. Even dumber: It isn't spread through KISSING. It's spread through SALIVA. Which you can get by sharing a straw or a utensil or anything else that comes into contact with the mouth.
  3. It's even stupider because the incubation period can be a month and a half long!
  4. Or does Bella assume that Jacob has been completely celibate since he met her worthless ass over a year ago?
  5. So how does Bella KNOW that Billy is lying? Because during the five minutes she knew that Jacob was feeling bad, he didn't gripe about exhaustion, a sore throat or a headache. He could have developed them during the drive home, and every victim of a disease has some variation... NO! Clearly Billy is just lying! Bella knows it! Believe your Sullen Messiah!

I glared at the computer screen and wondered why, exactly, I was doing this.

Because you're not happy unless you're obsessing on a man?

Why did I feel suspicious, like I didn’t believe Billy’s story?

Because you resent Billy for not letting you see Jacob, since you need your fix of hot supernatural male?! Especially since Billy isn't white or rich?

and, to be honest, I was afraid of not being allowed to see Jacob—that made me nervous.

Die in a fire.

So then Bella encounters the TRULY HORRIFYING news that mono can last... A month? My mouth fell open. Oh, the shock! Someone fetch poor Bawla a giant bottle of smelling salts! She might have to go a WHOLE MONTH without seeing the latest object of her obsession!

But Billy couldn’t enforce the no-visitors thing that long.

Yes, he can. Not every parent is an ineffectual limp rag like Charlie.

Also, note that Bella has conveniently forgotten that Jacob ALSO told her to stay away. But somehow it ends up only being Evil Billy's fault!

Of course not.

Yes, he could.

Jake would go crazy stuck in bed that long without anyone to talk to.

No, he wouldn't.

  1. When you're suffering from mono, you're exhausted.
  2. When you're exhausted, you're not STUCK in bed, you WANT to be in bed.
  3. Do the math, dumbass.
  4. Also, he can talk to his wastepaper basket. I mean, it's not like Bella talks much more than the trash can - she just sits there thinking about herself while he talks.
  5. He told you to stay away himself, dumbass.
  6. Unlike you, Jacob has more than one friend in the world. What makes you think that just because YOU'RE not there, he's rotting away from loneliness?

What was Billy afraid of, anyway?

The insane stalker who's been harassing his family for days?

I’d give Billy a week, I decided, before I got pushy. A week was generous.

"If he didn't let me in after a week, I'd just have to set his house on fire and FORCE them to evacuate. I'm being generous!"

But since this is Bella we're talking about, she spends the whole freaking week obsessing on how Jacob isn't calling her. Dammit, he hasn't even screwed her and she's STILL camped out next to the phone. Imagine how crazy she'd be if a guy actually slept with her.

A week was long. By Wednesday, I was sure I wasn’t going to live till Saturday.

"I've been without a hot teen boy for a WHOLE THREE DAYS! I'm not going to live to the end of the week! I'M GOING TO DIE FROM LACK OF HOT STUDLY MALE!"

I hadn’t really believed that Jacob would go along with Billy’s rule. Every day when I got home from school, I ran to the phone to check for messages. There never were any.

Here's an idea Bawla doesn't ever think about: maybe Jacob has gone off her. That whole thing with Mike was basically Bella dangling two boys on strings for her own purposes, based on the fact that she LIED TO JACOB.

Also, you gave him the "just friends" speech, which he had to pry from between your teeth. Why should he call you?

I cheated three times by trying to call him, but the phone lines still weren’t working.

That dastardly Billy! I bet he cut the phone lines! Or changed the number! Bella will just have to infiltrate their house like a ninja! A clumsy, inept ninja!

So since she doesn't have a guy to obsess on, Bella gets all emo and wangsty. Cue screams at night, hallucinations about when Edturd dumped her, giant painful hole in her chest, etc etc.

You know, it's hard to empathize with someone who just keeps whining the same ol' same ol' stuff - my chest hurts, I'm so alone, ferns, house, forest, screaming, blah blah blah. And again, this is because she doesn't have a MAN to dazzle her with sex appeal. Feminism in action, folks.

The hole in my chest was worse than ever. I’d thought that I’d been getting it under control, but I found myself hunched over, day after day, clutching my sides together and gasping for air.

Charlie, meanwhile, played solitaire and ate Cheetos. He'd gotten kind of used to me acting like an emo loon.

I wasn’t handling alone well.

People like Bella never do.

So after spending a WEEK obsessing on Jacob, Bella is delighted when Saturday rolls around. I don't see why, because she's been cheating the whole time, so why is it suddenly different this time?!

And if the phone lines still weren’t working, then I was going to La Push. One way or another, today would be better than the last lonely week.

I'm going to his house to stalk him DIRECTLY! And if Billy tells me to get off his property, I'll chain myself to his front door!

So since the conversation is short and boring, I shall summarize: Billy says that Jacob had some mystery virus instead of mono, and that Jacob is not only feeling better, but he's... OUT WITH FRIENDS.

I know, right? A teenage boy is out hanging with his friends! They're... going to see a MOVIE! They're gonna be driving to the nearest city without any girls along! THEY'RE DOING STUFF WITHOUT BELLA! It's all just so horrifying!

“He’s giving some friends a ride up to Port Angeles—I think they were going to catch a double feature or something. He’s gone for the whole day.”

"He also said that if that crazy bitch mails him another sixty-nine-page email about holes in her chest..."

Jacob was better, but not well enough to call me.

Uh.... yes, he is. He just chose not to.

He was out with friends. I was sitting home, missing him more every hour. I was lonely, worried, bored...perforated—and now also desolate as I realized that the week apart had not had the same effect on him.

  1. The word "perforated" just makes that sentence sound funny.
  2. No, you selfish bitch. It did NOT have the same effect on him, because HE WAS SICK.
  3. Nor does he come across as the sort of pathetic, creepy person who spends the whole week being emo because they can't see someone. HE SPENT MONTHS WITHOUT SEEING YOU.
  4. Also, recall that in the previous chapter, Bella insisted that she totally would never under any circumstances ever have a relationship with Jacob. She refused to even CONSIDER the idea because her heart is so broken over her boyfriend who is hardly ever thought about or mentioned. And yet she's "desolate" because he chose to spend a single day off with his dude friends.

I have the feeling that Smeyer doesn't have the faintest idea how men's minds work. When they get a girlfriend, or even meet a woman they're attracted to, they don't instantly become all about that girl and nothing else. Men need time with other men, just as women need time with other women.

But who am I kidding? I'm describing ACTUAL men who exist in the real world, not glistening teenage fantasy figures who NEVER do anything with their friends - in fact, they don't HAVE friends - because you are now their entire world and all fulfillment flows from your dead soulless eyes and virginal vagina.

“Is there anything in particular you wanted?” Billy asked politely.
“No, not really.”

"I just have to go weep uncontrollably at my Jacob shrine. But I still don't wanna date him."

Jacob must have changed his mind, just like I’d feared. He was going to take my advice and not waste any more time on someone who couldn’t return his feelings. I felt the blood run out of my face.

... and this is one of the many reasons that I hate Bella. She perpetuates almost every negative stereotype about women that has EVER EXISTED. Find a negative stereotype of a woman, and 9 out of 10 times Bella will fit it like a glove.

In this case, she's saying one thing while hoping that a guy will continue to think the exact opposite, and she's oh so shocked and hurt that he actually listened to her WORDS instead of psychically detecting her REAL wishes. She keeps insisting that dating anyone except Edturd is OMG SO LIKE IMPOSSIBLE... but she wants Jacob to spend all his time with her, dance attendance on her, make her feel good and have no social life outside of her.

Oh, and what does he get in return if he does this? NOTHING. He gets the "just friends" treatment, but is expected to have his life revolve around her. And if he goes out to have fun with his male friends, Bella acts like she's been BETRAYED!

So Bella plays the quiet martyr (since she's too lazy to have a temper tantrum), and freaks out Charlie because he might be facing another six months of Bella being a total spaz. He's planning to go fishing, but pretends he wants to spend time with his daughter.

“Say, did you want me to stay with you, since Jake’s out?”

"I know you're utterly lost unless something with a penis is telling you what to do. I mean, the last time I went out for a day, you sat there in your own filth because nobody ordered you to use the toilet."

“That’s okay, Dad,” I said, working to sound indifferent. “The fish bite better when the weather’s nice.”

Showing that Smeyer needs to shut up and stick to what few things she knows. Fish do NOT bite better in nice weather.

He stared at me, indecision clear on his face. I knew that he was worrying, afraid to leave me alone, in case I got “mopey” again.

"Hmm, should I leave my gun here, or just let her try with the knives?"

It's also really dumb, because Bella has been openly mopey for the past week. And Charlie hasn't noticed? I guess he doesn't care THAT much.

Bella comes up with the lame excuse that she's going to call Jessica and do homework with her. Of course, she's lying. She loves her parents SO much that she lies to her dad because she wants him out of the house.

“That’s a good idea. You’ve been spending so much time with Jacob, your other friends are going to think you’ve forgotten them.”

"Oh no, they're used to me dumping them for months at the first sign of a hot guy."

I smiled and nodded as if I cared what my other friends thought.

What other friends? Bella has people she pretends to socialize with, not FRIENDS. Her only friends are Hot Rich and Immortal.

Charlie then reveals that they've been having more trouble with the Mystery Mutant Bear Which Totally Doesn't Look Like A Bear And Nobody Can Tell Its Prints Are Canine. And now they've kiled a camper. So he doesn't want Bawla to go into the woods. GUESS WHAT BAWLA IS GOING TO DO?!

  1. Endanger herself?
  2. Obsess on Edturd?
  3. Wander off into the woods with nobody knowing where she is?
  4. All of the above?

If you guessed 4, you are CORRECT! And as a prize, you get to keep reading this craptastic book with me!

I wasn’t really listening to his warnings; I was much more upset by the situation with Jacob than by the possibility of being eaten by a bear.

"Like, who cares about being eaten by a bear? Like, it's SO totally worse to not have hot guys dancing attendance on you and telling you how speshul you are! They're off doing SOMETHING ELSE! This is like the worst thing EVAH!"

I was so busy looking busy that the ferociously empty day ahead didn’t really crash down on me until after I’d watched him drive away.

I decided to spend a few hours listening to Evancescence, cutting myself and writing horrible poetry about how dark and hopeless life is.

I wasn’t going to call Jessica. As far as I could tell, Jessica had crossed over to the dark side.

Yes, clearly Jessica has stepped onto the side of Evil and Darkness and Porcupines and Girls Who Have Had Sex! How do we know? Because after a whole year of being ignored by Bella because she was either sticking her tongue down Edturd's throat or moping because she couldn't, used by her when she wanted a pseudo-friend, and watching Bella's rape me rape me I want you to becuz I'm so emo act... she doesn't wanna be besties!

I mean, TCHAH, doesn't Jessica know that mentally ill self-destructive behavior should just make you like a Sue even MORE? And that you're totally evil if you don't support her in everything?!

I mean, imagine the NERVE of Jessica not wanting to be bestest buds after all that! Clearly she doesn't appreciate real friendship!

Real friendship = you dote on Bella and devote all your time and energy to pleasing her, while she treats you with disdain. If you're not okay with all the crazy obnoxious shit she does and being ignored for months at a time, you have GONE TO THE DARK SIDE!

So since she doesn't have anyone to chauffeur her lazy ass around, Bella decides to... go out in the woods and wander around aimlessly all by herself.

Maybe I could eliminate two lines today, putting us ahead of schedule for whenever Jacob decided to honor me with his presence again.

Bitch, he DOESN'T OWE YOU EVERY SINGLE DAY. Quit being all sneery because a guy isn't so obsessed with your ass that he spent a whole day with his guy friends instead of you.

I refused to think about how long that might be. Or if it was going to be never.

WAAAAAAAHHHH! Obviously Jacob hates me and never wants to see me again because he spent a whole day with his friends instead of immediately rushing over to cater to a girl who says she just wants to be friends! HE HATES ME! WAAAAAAA...

Also, this sounds suspiciously close to something Bawla said in Twishite:

"It's too bad you didn't figure that out earlier," I hissed through my teeth. "You could have saved yourself all this regret."
"Regret?" The word, and my tone, obviously caught him off guard. "Regret for what?"
"For not just letting that stupid van squish me."

Yeah, that's a quote from Twilight, chapter 4. And you know what made Bella start whining that Edward clearly wants her dead? He said they shouldn't be friends. What made her decide that clearly Jacob never wants to see her again? He spent a WHOLE DAY with other people. That is total psycho clinger behavior - if someone you have the hots for spends ANY time with anyone else, or doesn't want to spend all their time for you, then they hate you and never want to see you again.

And in case I haven't hammered it in often enough: she's upset because a guy whom she gave the "just friends" speech to is not wholly devoting his POST-ILLNESS time to making sure SHE doesn't feel sad and lonely. This is Twilight logic.

I felt a brief twinge of guilt as I realized how Charlie would feel about this, but I ignored it.

"I mean, it's not like my dad's feelings MATTER. He's just there to pay the mortgage."

So Bella goes driving off and thinks about how the weather is less sucky than usual, and then she goes wandering off into the woods with her map and compass. But she can't appreciate the woods because she's Super Emo because Jacob isn't there to lift her spirits.

Breathing started to get more difficult—not because of exertion, but because I was having trouble with the stupid hole in my chest again.

Even Bella is getting sick of this ridiculous conceit.

So she keeps wandering in the woods, and it's almost as boring as any other scene with just Bella and no other characters. And then.... she finds the meadow!

It was the same place, of that I was instantly sure. I’d never seen another clearing so symmetrical.

Yes, she and Edward are so Suey that even the places they sit and have creepy conversations are "perfect."

It was as perfectly round as if someone had intentionally created the flawless circle, tearing out the trees but leaving no evidence of that violence in the waving grass.

Are we sure Edturd DIDN'T do that? I mean he kills God's innocent animals all the time and has no moral qualms about killing humans... I doubt he'd have a problem with killing trees.

And I love how Bella looks at a beautiful natural environment, and immediately thinks of DESTROY TEAR RIP OBLITERATE KILL DEESSSTROOOOYYYY! This girl is fucked up.

But oh woe, the place is pretty, but not speshul because Edturd isn't there. There aren't even any wildflowers like there were when Edturd was there! PLEASE STOP, THE SYMBOLISM IS BLINDING ME!

So Bella wangsts about how it isn't speshul without her ex-boyfriend, and she rolls around gasping and whining about Teh Painz of Teh Agoniez, and it's very boring and overplayed. Sorry, but my cold black little heart isn't giving out sympathy after the 2,045th whinefest about poor Bella's phantom pains.

How could I have explained the way I was fracturing into pieces, the way I had to curl into a ball to keep the empty hole from tearing me apart?

Well... you couldn't. Because you're not.

So Bella lies there being emo and thinking about how she totally doesn't wanna be there anymore, and she's so alone and blah blah blah blah.

At precisely that moment, a figure stepped out from the trees to the north, some thirty paces away.

It was a vampire from a good series. After seeing Bella, he immediately turned and ran.

And even though Bella has magic vampire-sensing Smart Person powers, it takes her several minutes to realize that the person is a vampire. Specifically, it's Laurent.



Yeah, I can't blame you if you can't remember him either.

flips through charred copy of Twilight

Okay, from what I can glean, Laurent was a temporary ally of the bad guys in the previous book. He did nothing, added nothing, and had zero impact on the plot. The only way he could have made less of an impact is if he were human.

So Bella yells to him, and It was an irrational response. I probably should have stopped at fear. I thought part of Bawla's speshulness is that she's never afraid of rational things like violent bloodthirsty vampires like a sane person should be. Shouldn't she be wrapping herself around Laurent like a cheap suit?

Laurent had been one of James’s coven when we’d first met.

He had been in charge of balloon animals and hen-teasing.

He hadn’t been involved with the hunt that followed—the hunt where I was the quarry—but that was only because he was afraid; I was protected by a bigger coven than his own.

Or... maybe it's because he didn't give a crap about Bella one way or another, since he wasn't banging James. Honestly, his whole attitude was, "I give not a shit, so just go do your thing. I'm gone." But would you expect Bella to think that she doesn't really register for someone, and they don't either hate or love her? Course not! He must have SECRETLY wanted to, but he was too scared of the Big Scary Cullens and their Big Scary Volvos and their Scary Terrifying Bland Clothes and their Scary Schoolgoing!

And it's funny hearing Bella accuse someone ELSE of being afraid. She spent half the previous book sniveling and hiding.

he’d had no compunctions, at the time, against making a meal of me.

So? Neither did Edward at the story's beginning. In fact, Edward was WORSE because he wanted to slaughter a few dozen innocent people so nobody would notice.

he’d gone to Alaska to live with the other civilized coven there, the other family that refused to drink human blood for ethical reasons.

And what exactly makes the Cullens and their like more "civilized" than the ones who drink human blood? I mean, we're introduced to the Volturi in this book... and they have a fucking vampire HAMMURABI. He basically MADE them a civilization, but he's not as civilized as the friggin' Cullens, who just sort of leech off human civilization?

Oh, and "ethical reasons" stop mattering to Bella when she becomes a vampire. She becomes besties with all sorts of vampires who regularly kill humans.

The other family like...but I couldn’t let myself think the name.


Yes, fear would have made more sense, but all I felt was an overwhelming satisfaction.

It's called an orgasm.

The meadow was a magic place again. A darker magic than I’d expected, to be sure, but magic all the same. Here was the connection I’d sought.

".... uh, Bella, why are you taking off your pants?"

Laurent is surprised to see Bella, and Bella is delighted because he remembers her. I'm not sure why. I mean, she met him for about two minutes, and he spent all of that time TALKING TO OTHER PEOPLE. Oh wait, it's because he's a vampire, therefore he's a completely random and tenuous connection to Edturd.

Here's a question I've never heard answered. Why doesn't Bella ask Laurent to make her a vampire?

It's a simple question. I mean, she's suicidally emo and wanking about how Edturd is gone forever, blah blah blah, which wouldn't have been a problem if they had just let her become a vampire in the previous story INSTEAD OF RISKING HER LIFE. If she became a vampire, she would have a better chance of finding Edturd, and he would have no excuse to avoid her since she wouldn't be super-fragile and always getting cut on things. And she'd get at least one-third of what she wants (the other parts being money and penis).

Hell, Laurent would STILL be able to drink her blood, and Bella would get what she's been whining about for what feels like hundreds of years. Its a win-win.

Oh sure, he wouldn't actually DO IT, for reasons explained below. But from her perspective, there's no reason not to pursue this.

He grinned. “I didn’t expect to see you here.” He strolled toward me, his expression bemused.
“Isn’t it the other way around? I do live here. I thought you’d gone to Alaska.”

"No, I meant that you're really lazy and passive, so I didn't expect to see you so far from civilization."

Here was someone I didn’t have to pretend for—someone who already knew everything I could never say.

Bitch, you knew him for two minutes, and he treated you like a Happy Meal. He doesn't know about your feelings. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't care either.

So Laurent comments about how he did go to Alaska, and that when he dropped by the Cullen house, he realized that they left. And then Bella realizes that Laurent has... RED EYES.

Which means he's been DRINKING HUMAN BLOOD.

Just like a REAL VAMPIRE!

I’d begun to picture him, on the rare occasions that I thought of him at all, with the same golden eyes

... that's not how picturing people works. You tend to work off your memories.

Besides, we've had no indication that she's thought about him ONCE since their last meeting.

that the...Cullens—I forced the name out, wincing—had. That all good vampires had.

I love how incredibly simplistic Smeyer's vampire morality is. All vampires who drink human blood are evil, all vampires who kill animals and occasionally humans but pretend to feel bad about it are saints (except the blondes). No shades of grey, no degrees, no moral questions. Just "these are good, these are evil. No questions, dammit! No questions!"

Even though, you know, the "evil" vampires don't seem that bad, and the "good" vampires are all sociopaths and kidnapping pedophile cultists.

“Do they visit often?” he asked, still casual, but his weight shifted toward me.
“Lie,” the beautiful velvet voice whispered anxiously from my memory.

"Uh, why are you lying down on the ground with your legs spread?"
"The voice in my head told me to lie!"

So Bella can magically sense that Laurent is scheming to hurt her. How does she know this? Because she's fucking Bella Swan, and since she's the center of the universe, all vampires either want to fuck her, worship her or eat her. Or some combo of the above.

Was I not in the worst danger imaginable?

No, the worst danger imaginable would be if if you were in a room with ME. I'd make Laurent look like a pacifist.

Also, death is death. It doesn't really matter where it comes from. Getting eaten by a vampire is not a "worse" danger than being squished by a 12-ton weight.

So Bella pretends that the Cullens still come by for visits, but Laurent isn't buying it. Oh, and for some reason Bella's Epic Lying Skillz, which work on everyone in the world, are suddenly totally ineffectual.

The question made him pause. “I like Tanya very much,” he mused. “And her sister Irina even more...."




Well, that calls for just one thing.

Anyone else imagining a sexy threesome fic? Someone MUST have written one.

"But, the restrictions are difficult....I’m surprised that any of them can keep it up for long.” He smiled at me conspiratorially. “Sometimes I cheat.”

  1. "I eat chocolate ice cream when NOBODY is watching! I know I'm a vampire and it's supposed to be all 'I vant to suck your blood,' but I just can't give up chocolate!"
  2. Fercryinoutloud, your cheating is kind of ineffectual if PEOPLE CAN TELL BY LOOKING AT YOU. It's like committing adultery, and then wandering around with a scarlet A on your face.
  3. Betcha Smeyer didn't think of that when she came up with her "OMG SO KEWL" idea to have color-changing eyes.

And then, Bella makes the mistake of mentioning Victoria. Guess what! Laurent is here because Victoria asked him to! I'm not sure why, since it's not like they were besties or anything.

“Yes,” he said, hesitating on that step. “I actually came here as a favor to her.”

It's getting a bit repetitive, but WHY? I mean, he supposedly was just hanging out with them for the moment, and it's not like he was best friends. He dumped them the moment he got intrigued by something else.

So... why would he go out of his way for Victoria? Oh, silly question: Bella is the center of the universe, so the villains have to obsess on her.

He made a face. “She won’t be happy about this.”

"She said I wasn't allowed to talk to my lunch."

“She wanted to save that part for herself,” he went on blithely. “She’s sort of...put out with you, Bella.”
“Me?” I squeaked.

"But it was my boyfriend who killed her boyfriend!"
"So? You're the Sue, so the entire world revolves around you. So the villains HAVE to fixate on you!"

No, apparently Twilight logic is that if someone kills your boyfriend, you then turn around and kill his girlfriend. You don't kill HIM, you kill his girlfriend, whom nobody really has a reason to give a crap about, and who had absolutely NO part in killing your boyfriend. Even if they break up, only target the ex!

But hey, twist whatever logic is necessary, people! Bella MUST be the center of attention! Nobody else can be targeted by Evil Vampires!

"apparently it wouldn’t be the revenge she imagined, since you must not mean very much to him if he left you here unprotected.”

The characters are literally snarking FOR me. They're pointing out the reasons why this is a stupid, stupid plan.

So it turns out that Laurent stumbled across her by accident, and he's been hunting for food. And since Bella's blood is super-speshully-suetifully-delicious, he now decides that he wants to chug her like a keg of beer.




“Threaten him,” the beautiful delusion ordered, his voice distorted with dread.

Threaten to WHAT? Pin him to the ground with her lazy carcass?

So Bella pulls the "My boyfriend will totally beat you up and stuff!" act, which Laurent thinks is funny. He finds it almost as funny as I find it.

Yes, THIS guy will come after you if you mess with Bella! BE AFRAID! BE AFRAID! PLLLEAAAAASEEEE!

“The scent will wash away with the next rain. No one will find your body"

... how come? Is he planning to eat it all?

"you’ll simply go missing, like so many, many other humans."

"Don't you know who I am! I'm Bella Swan!"
"... yes, and?"
"Well, the entire state will immediately stop functioning if I go missing for a few hours! EVERY person in the Northwestern US will immediately stop attending school and going to work, because they won't be able to do anything but search for me!"
"... you're kind of a crazy bitch, you know."

“Beg,” my hallucination begged.

"Groan," I groaned.
"Snort," I snorted.
"Complain," I complained.

Editor, please do your job so I don't have to.

“Yes,” he assured me. “I’ll be very quick. You won’t feel a thing, I promise. Oh, I’ll lie to Victoria about that later, naturally, just to placate her. But if you knew what she had planned for you, Bella . . .” He shook his head with a slow movement, almost as if in disgust. “I swear you’d be thanking me for this.”

"She planned to ship you out to the Dresden Files, where your boyfriend would be turned into a sex slave for the Raith family, and you would probably be eaten by a ghoul five minutes into the book. Oh, and you'll be just a random anonymous victim, and the main characters won't even bother to find out your name."

And because this is Bella we're talking about, she doesn't bother trying to run or do anything that could even make it HARDER for him to kill her. She just stands there, drools and thinks about her ex-boyfriend who dumped her in the middle of the woods.

His name burst through all the walls I’d built to contain it. Edward, Edward, Edward. I was going to die. It shouldn’t matter if I thought of him now. Edward, I love you.

Excuse me, I have to find a barf bag. I just had a giant wad of oversugared cheese shoved down my throat.

So now, Laurent is finally going to eat Bella, and THANK GOD. I have had as much as I can take of this mewling, whining sack of honeysuckle-scented shit as I can take. I mean, I've put up with TEN CHAPTERS of Bella being a bitchy selfish pain-in-the-ass who slowly poisons the joy and freedom of everyone around her, and siphons away all semblance of personality from semi-interesting characters. Even worse, there is NO FUCKING WAY TO ESCAPE HER. The entire series revolves around her pasty saggy ass.

So frankly the idea of her dying a painful and ignominious death is just beautiful. Let's all just sit back and enjoy it.

I was too amazed to feel relief when he started slowly backing away from me.

... NO.

"I don't believe it," he said, his voice so low that I barely heard it.

I can't either. How many vampires have to attack this sad-sack bitch before she finally DIES?!

Kill her! Kill her, Laurent! Do it for the snarkers! KILL HER BEFORE ANYTHING CAN INTERRUPT!

I had to look then. My eyes scanned the meadow, searching for the interruption that had extended my life by a few seconds.

I'm betting Satan. No one else would be evil and vile enough to interrupt someone's attempts to kill Bella Swan. It's like if someone tried to interrupt Eowyn from killing the Witch King.

See, just imagine that Laurent is a white blonde chick, and that Bella is going through a goth phase.

At first I saw nothing, and my gaze flickered back to Laurent.

He was flipping me off.

He was retreating more quickly now, his eyes boring into the forest.





deep breaths

Okay, okay. I am fine. I'm Zen. I'm serene. ... partly because I took large quantities of drugs. I smoked half a pot field, and am now mellow enough to finish the chapter. I CAN DO THIS.

So, what magically turned up at JUST THE RIGHT MOMENT to save Bella? A werewolf.


Yeah, I'm totally not surprised either. It's only been foreshadowed to FUCKING DEATH by all the sightings of a giant mutant bear, which doesn't resemble a wolf AT ALL and would never in a thousand years be mistaken for one. I mean, look!

LOOK AT THEM. They don't even have the same body structure. Or the same fur. Even their heads are different shapes. They don't even MOVE the same way.

And since Smeyer's supernatural creatures have to be "perfect" and invincible, her werewolves can't just be wolves. Nor can they have the mass of the teenage boys they secretly are.

It was enormous—as tall as a horse, but thicker, much more muscular. The long muzzle grimaced, revealing a line of dagger-like incisors. A grisly snarl rolled out from between the teeth, rumbling across the clearing like a prolonged crack of thunder.

No, these have to be SPESHUL AWESOME WEREWOLVES. They have to be the size of a horse!

The bear. Only, it wasn’t a bear at all.

See? Even fucking Bella can tell at a glance that it isn't a bear. And yet experienced hikers thought it was, and nobody could tell the difference between the tracks.

From a distance, anyone would assume it was a bear. What else could be so vast, so powerfully built?

For my first guess, I'll guess "the Beast of GĂ©vaudan." For my second, I will guess Bella's ego.

So Bella does what she does best: sits there and does nothing. Wow, my shocked surprise, it knoweth no bounds. So the wolf goes trotting by, and Laurent is still... very... slowly... retreating... into the woods. Laurent, you have disappointed me.

Why was Laurent retreating? Granted, the wolf was monstrous in size, but it was just an animal. What reason would a vampire have for fearing an animal?

... maybe it's because the sparklepires are a lot less scary and intimidating than they apparently believe themselves to be, and a one-eyed pug with arthritis could take one of them down?

Seriously, we are never shown anything that indicates that the vampires are even half as strong and powerful as Bella insists they are. A lot of the time, it seems like she's just delusional.

And then suddenly there's a whole pack of werewolves appearing there, and they're all fixated on saving Bawla from Laurent. Because hey, apparently werewolves have nothing better to do than rescue bland teenage girls. That camper who went missing? Nah, he wasn't a bland teenage girl, so the werewolves don't care if he died.

I gave an involuntary gasp and jumped back—which was the stupidest thing I could have done.

No, I think Bella has already proven that she's capable of more impressive stupidity than that.

I froze again, waiting for the wolves to turn on me, the much weaker of the available prey.

If they planned to eat you, you dumb bint, they would have done so already. You're so pathetic that ants could identify you as weak prey.

I wished briefly that Laurent would get on with it and crush the wolf pack—it should be so simple for him. I guessed that, between the two choices before me, being eaten by wolves was almost certainly the worse option.

  1. Ah, our heroine - wishing for the deaths of innocent animals. What a selfless person she is!
  2. Anyone else suspect that the sparklepires lie a lot about how strong they are?
  3. And if I recall, Bella claimed that being killed by Laurent would be "the worst danger imaginable." And now suddenly being eaten by wolves is worse.
  4. Then again, who expects Bella "Being Dumped Is The Greatest Emotional Pain EVER" Swan to have any perspective?

It gazed at me for a fraction of a second, the deep eyes seeming too intelligent for a wild animal.

"Certainly it was smarter than me!"

So Bella sits there being melodramatic and thinking about how glad she is that Jacob isn't there, because now she's going to die and he won't be dead. Wait, that doesn't get the melodrama across.

As it stared at me, I suddenly thought of Jacob—again, with gratitude. At least I’d come here alone, to this fairytale meadow filled with dark monsters. At least Jacob wasn’t going to die, too. At least I wouldn’t have his death on my hands.

"At least since I'm going to die, even though the guy who wanted to kill me me is being chased away by giant mutant wolves, Jacob isn't here to die too! Because I'm going to die! Dramatically! In a fairytale meadow! I'm going to die dramatically!"

So while Bella's swooning on the grass about how she's going to die, Laurent pusses out and runs away. Even though he's spent several minutes freaking out and backing away, for some reason Bella is simply SHOCKED that he did this. Apparently "cause and effect" are concepts Ms. Smartypants ReaderBrain hasn't learned yet.

And then I was alone again.

"I prompted acted emo and whined a lot. It's what I do."

No, that's actually what she does. She just falls down, cries, and spends awhile just lying there whining. I suspect she's waiting for a studly male to wander by and carry her home.

How long would the wolves chase Laurent before they doubled back for me?

You don't have to be a fucking genius to know that predators don't pursue the stronger prey first. If they were going to eat her, they already would've.

Or would Laurent turn on them? Would he be the one that came looking?

Yes, the guy who wet himself and ran away is totally going to pwn those wolves. Again, made of stupid.

I couldn’t move at first, though; my arms and legs were shaking, and I didn’t know how to get back to my feet.

So I just lay there all night, whining and crying. It's worked before, so why not now?!

I didn’t understand what I’d just witnessed.

A really shitty attempt at plot?

A vampire should not have run from overgrown dogs like that. What good would their teeth be against his granite skin?

A good question... and one that, IIRC, is never actually explained. Precisely what is supposed to make the werewolves so tough that they can take out the vampires who are supposedly invincible?

Oh wait, it's an extra chromosome. Which gives them superpowers instead of Down Syndrome. GRRRRRRRRRR....

You know, it's funny that while Bella IMMEDIATELY comes to the conclusion that Edturd and his family are vampires, the idea that OTHER supernatural creatures in the world never even crosses her tiny mind. Even though Jacob TOLD her about the legends about the Quileutes turning into wolves in the previous fucking book, and explained how they were the natural enemies of the "cold ones," the whole idea of werewolves never even crosses her mind.

I couldn’t make it add up.

"If only my brain weren't so tiny!"

Then suddenly Bella jumps up and goes randomly running through the woods, where she promptly gets lost and stumbles around screaming at absolutely nothing. As if she weren't pathetic enough, she gets tangled up in the trees and is scared by a bird. But because the entire world rearranges itself for her convenience, she just happens to totter out of the woods close to where her truck is.

Well, at least I get some small satisfaction when Bella gets home, and Charlie gets mad at her. Hallelujah, the bitch finally gets caught in one of her hundreds of lies.

Charlie folded his arms across his chest. “I thought I asked you to stay out of the forest.”

"Yeah, but I didn't give a crap about what you said. I felt a momentary stab of guilt, which absolves me of my selfishness."

Charlie seemed to really look at me for the first time. I remembered that I had spent some time on the forest floor today; I must be a mess.

“What happened?” Charlie demanded.

"Were you having sex with another sparkly vampire?"

So despite having lied constantly about everything for the past book-and-a-half, including about stuff she didn't HAVE to lie about, Bella immediately decides that she MUST tell Charlie the truth about everything except Laurent. So she blurts out stuff about the wolf pack,

“The rangers said the tracks were wrong for a bear—but wolves just don’t get that big....”

So these morons KNEW it wasn't a bear, but they told everyone it was a bear anyway. Why? So more people could get killed because they'd be making precautions for the WRONG ANIMAL?

But since Bella has a reputation to uphold as a pathological liar, she does lie about where she saw them. Oh good, I was worrying that she might go into withdrawal.

It also turns out that pathological lying is contagious: Jacob hasn't actually gone off to see a movie with his friends!

Apparently he was still hanging out with his friends, but it was in Forks! What a shock! That is SO different from hanging out with his friends AWAY from Forks!

I wondered if he had confronted Embry about the situation with Sam. Maybe that was the reason he’d ditched me today—if it meant he could sort things out with Embry, I was glad he had.

Yes, because the only reason Jacob would ever ditch alone-time with "Just Friends" girl to spend manly bonding time with other guys is

  1. If he hates her and never wants to see her again.
  2. If he's valiantly trying to rescue an old friend from a cult.

They're the only options! Don't say otherwise! BELLA READS OLD BOOKS SO SHE'S SMARTER THAN YOU!

So Bella switches randomly from thinking about Jacob and his friends to freaking out because of Victoria.

curled into a cramped ball under my quilt, and faced the horrifying facts.

I was just too boring and bland for anyone to continue reading about!

There was nothing I could do. There were no precautions I could take. There was no place I could hide. There was no one who could help me.

And you know why that is?

Because your wonderful loving perfect Adonis of a boyfriend dumped you without any way to contact him in an emergency, even a person with half a brain would know other vampires might seek you out as a hostage or for revenge, and even though you have superspeshul flowery Sue blood that they all want. He was too busy styling his hair and brooding at the mirror to care. And of course, it was HIS fault that you were hunted by James in the first place, since HE brought you to an isolated spot with lots of vampires, and then made a big fuss that A MIND-READER might have known would make him obsess on her.

So yeah, blame your "perfect" boyfriend for the fact that you're at the mercy of a vengeful vampire who wants you to die a slow painful death.

And of course, Alice hasn't realized this is happening. Why would she? She only can see the future. What do you expect, predicting bad things that might just happen?!

Bella then freaks out for exactly two seconds about how Charlie is also in danger, and then... she goes back to focusing on herself. What a shock.

To calm myself, I fantasized the impossible:

I imagined a Transformers movie that doesn't suck!

I imagined the big wolves catching up to Laurent in the woods and massacring the indestructible immortal the way they would any normal person. Despite the absurdity of such a vision, the idea comforted me. If the wolves got him, then he couldn’t tell Victoria I was here all alone. If he didn’t return, maybe she’d think the Cullens were still protecting me. If only the wolves could win such a fight....

  1. Oh sorry, I was temporarily deafened by the sound of Smeyer hammering poor foreshadowing into my head. This woman has the delicate touch of a jackhammer.
  2. And again, what makes Bawla think that the idea of the werewolves attacking Laurent is "absurd"? HE RAN AWAY FROM THEM. He wouldn't do that unless there was danger, you twit.
  3. Maybe... just maybe... they're NOT JUST WOLVES.
  4. Also, wolves don't attack people NORMALLY. Nor do they grow to the size of HORSES. Stop pretending that they're just really big wolves.
  5. Again, Jacob TOLD HER ABOUT THE WEREWOLVES ALREADY. Bella psychically determined that the pale snotty rich people were vampires and that there was NO other explanation... but she has conveniently forgotten that the guy she's been obsessing on for the entire book TOLD HER ABOUT WEREWOLVES.
  6. To make it even dumber, he told her about that werewolf legend in connection with the "cold ones."

In my imagination, Victoria’s eyes were black with thirst, bright with anticipation, and her lips curled back from her gleaming teeth in pleasure. Her red hair was brilliant as fire; it blew chaotically around her wild face.

... Bella saw Victoria for about one minute, and she was mostly paying attention to JAMES during that time. And yet she remembers her so very vividly? When she's having trouble remembering HER EX-BOYFRIEND'S FACE?

Laurent’s words repeated in my head. If you knew what she had planned for you....

... then you would buy a rubber chicken and clown shoes.

Oh, and this chapter is the very first time we've had SOMETHING approaching a plot in this shitty book, namely the appearance of Laurent and the implication that Victoria has Evil Plans of Evil Evilness. But what actually happens?

NOTHING. A vampire appears, then he runs away. Bella goes home and is emo. The only development is that now we know there are werewolves, which any person with half a brain already knew from Smeyer's abysmal foreshadowing. So.... yeah, even though something SORT of happened in this chapter, nothing really did. Even the revelation about Victoria doesn't lead to anything until the next book.

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