Friday, August 14, 2015

Twilight Guide - The Twilight Saga Playlist - Twilight

Disclaimer: The opinions below are mine and mine alone. Do not tell me I suck forever because I'm not hugely impressed by Coldplay and hate bad emo nu-metal. Yes, I'm sure there are people who rank Linkin Park above the Beatles, but I don't really care. I hate them, and I would still hate them if every other person in the world thought they were awesome. And I do not love or hate bands or songs to be "cool," because I have plenty of "likes" that aren't cool at all. And no, I won't tell you what they are.

So yeah, for some reason people are REALLY eager to know what music is associated with Smeyer's craptastic books. This is gonna be a long list.

Wait, my mistake. That was actually SUITED to the Twilight books. Here's the one Smeyers thinks are perfectly suited to her stories... and they're as thuddingly obvious, yet wrong, as her book choices!

"Music is my one necessary tool. I put on music that fits the mood of what I‘m writing, to help me stay in the zone and get the emotional tone right."

... which doesn't explain why you feel the need to SHARE all this music with us, especially since you apparently have no understanding of the actual words.


Chapter 1: When I landed in Port Angeles, it was raining. I didn‘t see it as an omen—just unavoidable. I‘d already said my goodbyes to the sun.

We're one song into this playlist, and already Smeyer is smearing her glittery slime all over bands I love.

And yes, Smeyer totally missed the entire point of that song. It is not about the singer actually being rained on and longing for the actual sun. It's a METAPHOR. It's about life hurling non-stop crap at you until you wonder if things will ever get better. That is not applicable to Bawla Wan, since her life is completely devoid of actual problems.


Chapter 4: My stomach twisted as I realized what he must have meant. He must see how absorbed I was by him; he must not want to lead me on... so we couldn‘t even be friends... because he wasn‘t interested in me at all.
Of course he wasn‘t interested in me, I thought angrily, my eyes stinging—a delayed reaction to the onions. I wasn‘t interesting. And he was. Interesting... and brilliant... and mysterious... and perfect... and beautiful... and possibly able to lift full-sized vans with one hand.
Well, that was fine. I could leave him alone. I would leave him alone. I would get through my self-imposed sentence here in purgatory, and then hopefully some school in the Southwest, or possibly Hawaii, would offer me a scholarship.

  1. Ironically appropriate, since Thom Yorke says that it's about a drunk loser stalking a woman and then wussing out. Which, if you imagine that the woman is also a big loser who is stalking the original loser, fits these two perfectly.
  2. And how appropriate that a song called "Creep" is featured in a Twilight playlist.
  3. And if you're wondering why she specifies "radio edit," it's because the original unedited song includes the word "fucking." SCANDALOUS! Shield your virgin ears!

And yeah, Smeyer is trying to start out with a Radiohead song. Now I LOVE Radiohead, but you gotta admit that they're used by a lot of loser poseurs to try to make themselves seem cool. We're talking about a woman here who has to specify that people NOT listen to a song that includes the word "fucking" while reading her books. Cool is dead.
Also humorously ironic since it includes the lines:

You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo

Because yes, the main characters DO wish they were special, and they are creeps and weirdos. Both of them.


Chapter 5: "I decided as long as I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly."

Ah, Coldplay - just like Radiohead, but less memorable. The only reason I can even remember one of their songs is because an ex once sent me an e-card that played "Fix You" when I was depressed.

Also, this song is totally inappropriate for that line or for Edward's creepy selfish attitude. It's a wistful sad song about pleading with someone to come back to you, not about gleefully talking about how you might kill your love interest.


Chapter 5: "What if I‘m not a superhero? What if I‘m the bad guy?"

I consider anyone who inflicts a My Chemical Romance song on me, especially one as pretentious as this one, to be a villain.


Chapter 7: And I knew in that I had my answer. I didn‘t know if there ever was a choice, really. I was already in too deep. Now that I knew—if I knew—I could do nothing about my frightening secret. Because when I thought of him, of his voice, his hypnotic eyes, the magnetic force of his personality, I wanted nothing more than to be with him right now.

Yes, it had to happen eventually. A hack author who loves to roll in emo and has the emotional maturity of a 13-year-old girl? Obviously a Linkin Park fan!

Another fun thing those two have in common: They have crap taste in music, and toss a few good songs in there occasionally. This song is like sandpaper on my ears, just a barrage of horrible nu-metal.

Oh, and the song includes the line: I hit you and you hit me back. Too perfect, or just perfect enough?


Chapter 8: It seemed to take forever for me to get to the corner. I kept my pace steady, the men behind me falling ever so slightly farther behind with every step. Maybe they realized they had scared me and were sorry. I saw two cars going north pass the intersection I was heading for, and I exhaled in relief. There would be more people around once I got off this deserted street. I skipped around the corner with a grateful sigh.
And skidded to a stop.
The street was lined on both sides by blank, doorless, windowless walls. I could see in the distance, two intersections down, streetlamps, cars, and more pedestrians, but they were all too far away. Because lounging against the western building, midway down the street, were the other two men from the group, both watching with excited smiles as I froze dead on the sidewalk. I realized then that I wasn‘t being followed.
I was being herded.

For fuck's sake! Oh, I'm sorry, I mean "for VERY's sake!"

Two Stinkin Park songs IN A ROW? Lady, this is a craptastic band! They are the musical equivalent of Robert Newcomb - one long inept rape of my ears. It does not make you look cool or young; it just emphasizes that you HAVE been exposed to good music.... but you like this pile of shit!

Also, this song doesn't even START to fit the whole almost-rape scene where Bella's Suey Awesomeness attracts some convenient gang-rapists. Yes, the title could fit. But the song lyrics are much more metaphorical and introspective, even if it is emo wankery. And the music doesn't fit either. When you think "creepy isolated street with gang-rapists on it," who thinks about crappy nu-metal?!

What, was Emilie Autumn's "Let The Record Show" just too explicit and unromantic for Smeyer since it has references to stripping and prostitution, even if it IS about rape and murder of a young woman? Ah, who am I kidding? Smeyer has probably never even heard of Emilie Autumn.


Chapter 12: He was too perfect, I realized with a piercing stab of despair. There was no way this godlike creature could be meant for me.
He stared at me, bewildered by my tortured expression. "Do you want to go home?" he said quietly, a different pain than mine saturating his voice.
"No." I walked forward till I was close beside him, anxious not to waste one second of whatever time I might have with him.

You know what's amazing? This song, made in 1988 has hordes of fangirls shrieking "OMGWTFBBQ! THIS SONG WAS LIKE TOTALLY INSPIRED BY EDWARD AND BELLA I LOVE IT SO MUCH I JUST HAD AN ORGASM I LUUUUUUUV TWILIGHT MARRY ME ROB PATTINSON...." Total fail. Use the magical invention called google. It might enlighten you.

Actually, the whole equating this with that scene is FAAAAAAIIIIL squared. This scene is all about two angsty tortured teens being angsty and tortured together. I mean, they actually use the word "pain," "despair" and "tortured" to describe them just standing around not doing anything. This uptempo, mellow little 80s synthpop song. FAIL.

And the lyrics make it even more ridiculous. It's about a guy who was dumped by a woman he adored, but who made his life hellish. Does that sound like it fits that scene?!


Chapter 13: "Be very still," he whispered, as if I wasn‘t already frozen.
Slowly, never moving his eyes from mine, he leaned toward me. Then abruptly, but very gently, he rested his cold cheek against the hollow at the base of my throat. I was quite unable to move, even if I‘d wanted to. I listened to the sound of his even breathing, watching the sun and wind play in his bronze hair, more human than any other part of him.
With deliberate slowness, his hands slid down the sides of my neck. I shivered, and I heard him catch his breath. But his hands didn‘t pause as they softly moved to my shoulders, and then stopped.
His face drifted to the side, his nose skimming across my collarbone. He came to rest with the side of his face pressed tenderly against my chest.
Listening to my heart. "Ah," he sighed.

... I can think of a thousand different scenes that fit this song better than that one. Was Smeyer just selecting scenes by flipping through Twilight and stabbing the pages with a pin?!

And sorry to any David Gray fans, but this song fits the Twilight series perfectly - nothing seems to actually be happening melodically, it just sort of oozes along with no ups or downs, it's drippy as hell, and it ends with something crashing down on the reader as they realize that there will be NO vampire action in this book.


Chapter 15
"I love you," I whispered.
”You are my life now," he answered simply. There was nothing more to say for the moment. He rocked us back and forth as the room grew lighter.

Because nothing is more romantic than a scene where the love interest dodges actually saying "I love you too," and instead says something that could also mean "You belong to me, and my whole life of aimless lounging now revolves around keeping a leash on you because you're a woman."

As for that song... it's decent, but I still prefer Sarah Brightman's version.


Chapter 21: Slowly, slowly, my thoughts started to break past that brick wall of pain. To plan. For I had no choices now but one: to go to the mirrored room and die. I had no guarantees, nothing to give to keep my mother alive. I could only hope that James would be satisfied with winning the game, that beating Edward would be enough. Despair gripped me; there was no way to bargain, nothing I could offer or withhold that could influence him. But I still had no choice. I had to try.
I pushed the terror back as well as I could. My decision was made. It did no good to waste time agonizing over the outcome. I had to think clearly, because Alice and Jasper were waiting for me, and evading them was absolutely essential, and absolutely impossible.

Oh, fuck no. Not that one.

Yes, people, we are facing the biggest musical assrape of the past decade: Stephenie Meyer getting countless drooling fangirls to rush out and proclaim themselves Muse's #1 fans, causing one of the few great rock bands LEFT in the world to be equated with sparkling vampires. Words don't even exist to explain how much this pisses me off.

And once again, we have more evidence that Smeyer selected these songs entirely based on their titles, not on whether they actually fit the scenes she describes. Shocking revelation: "Time is Running Out" is not actually about time running out. It is not about trying to sneak away. It is not about trying to save someone else.

Ironically, it's actually the best fitting song for the whole series - it's about a guy infatuated with a girl, and even though he knows she's thoroughly toxic and "You will squeeze the life out of me... You will suck the life out of me," he's still stuck with her. He also compares their relationship to asphyxiation, drowning, being trapped, being tied up, and being BURIED ALIVE. And no, this is not depicted as being a sign of true eternal perfect LURV.


Chapter 24: "You don‘t know what you‘re asking." His voice was soft; he stared intently at the edge of the pillowcase.
"I think I do."
"Bella, you don‘t know. I‘ve had almost ninety years to think about this, and I‘m still not sure."

"I just don't know if I'm ready to have sex with a girl!"

Again, the song is completely unsuited to the scene it's attached to. This song is actually perfectly suited for someone being turned into a vampire - it's got that gothic undertone, and it talks about how "your innocence takes flight" and "a world where hope's enslaved." But that gothic rock'n'roll sound does NOT fit Twilight's Abercrombie&Fitch vampire sensibilities, and the lyrics don't fit a scene where.... two people sit around TALKING about one of them becoming a vampire. That doesn't deserve music at ALL.


Chapter 24:
"I‘ll be the first to admit that I have no experience with relationships," I said. "But it just seems logical... a man and woman have to be somewhat equal... as in, one of them can‘t always be swooping in and saving the other one. They have to save each other equally."
He folded his arms on the side of my bed and rested his chin on his arms. His expression was smooth, the anger reined in. Evidently he‘d decided he wasn‘t angry with me. I hoped I‘d get a chance to warn Alice before he caught up with her.
"You have saved me," he said quietly.
"I can‘t always be Lois Lane," I insisted. "I want to be Superman, too."

Because a mellow, sweetly hopeful pop song about someone who is "so understanding and so kind" really fits a scene where an abusive asshole gets mad and sulks because his girlfriend is demanding equality by name-dropping comic-book characters. You know, to show she's For Serious.


Epilogue: "I love you more than everything else in the world combined. Isn‘t that enough?"
"Yes, it is enough," he answered, smiling.
"Enough for forever."
And he leaned down to press his cold lips once more to my throat.

Well, this is perfectly suited to the series.

After all, Edward treats Bella like an incompetent small child who needs to be sternly bossed around by the Big Strong Man. What could sum up their creepy woman=child man=adult relationship better than a lullaby that is addressed to a child by its FATHER? Is that romantic or WHAT?

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