Thursday, August 13, 2015

New Moon Chapter 16

Wait, what am I commenting on? This isn't right. That was supposed to be the end of this miserable story...

At that moment, my head broke the surface.


I can't BELIEVE that miserable sack of shit didn't die. Just my luck. Can someone explain to me why characters like Dumbledore and Boromir die, but Bella Swan sticks around like a cockroach?

Yeah, somebody hauled Bella's worthless ass out of the water, and is thumping the water out of her lungs. She doesn't cough or anything, because that wouldn't be passive. She just lies there like a lump and makes the other person do all the work.

“Breathe!” a voice, wild with anxiety, ordered, and I felt a cruel stab of pain when I recognized the voice—because it wasn’t Edward’s.

Please, God, let it be Victoria. If I get at least ONE chapter of gruesome torture, it might make this book worthwhile.

The black, icy water filled my chest, burning.
The rock smacked into my back again, right between my shoulder blades, and another volley of water choked its way out of my lungs.

What, no purple descriptions of her giant imaginary chest hole and how the water should be leaking out that way? Well, at least ONE kitten is spared.

So it turns out her rescuer is Jacob. What a shock. The hot male she's lusting after just HAPPENS to be the one who comes to rescue her. We couldn't have Embry or Paul or some other werewolf save her - no, the damsel must only be rescued by someone she wants to bang.

The rock struck me again.

"Jacob, why do you keep hitting my head with a rock?"
"Um… no reason."

Yes, Bella is SO dim that it takes her this long to realize that Jacob is not in fact beating her with a stone, but thumping her on the back with his hand. I know I make that mistake ALL the time.

Then Bella faints. Again. We need a swooning counter.

“How long has she been unconscious?” someone else asked.

"You're going to have to be more specific. I'm not sure she's EVER conscious."
"Fine, how long has she been passed out?"
"On this particular day?"
"Oh, that's easy."

The voice that was not Jacob’s shocked me,

Gasp! The presence of a person who Bella DOESN'T want to bang!

So Sam and Jacob are discussing Bella's condition, while she lies there complaining about how cold and painful she is.

“She’s breathing. She’ll come around. We should get her out of the cold, though. I don’t like the color she’s turning....”

"You mean the color of toilet paper?"
"Well, that's the usual skin tone for semi-racist Sues."
"Oh. Okay."

So Jacob picks up Bella's limp butt and drags her away. Chris Brown, to his credit, doesn't really seem to care much now that he knows Bella isn't comatose…. more than usual.

a spark of color caught my unfocused eyes—a small flash of fire was dancing on the black water, far out in the bay.

DAMMIT. Victoria was swimming right out there, but Jacob just HAD to interrupt before she could pop off Bella's head like a champagne cork. My life is full of suck!

“How did you find me?” I rasped.

"I followed the trail of razors, pills and Linkin Park CDs."

He shuddered. “Why would you jump, Bella? Didn’t you notice that it’s turning into a hurricane out here? Couldn’t you have waited for me?”


Seriously, are we supposed to think that Jacob is brain-damaged or something? He is talking to a girl who has been moping and catatonic for MONTHS, and has emo attacks every time she thinks about her ex-boyfriend and his family. He found her lying in a ball on the fucking rocks the previous day, unwilling to move!

And yet his FIRST assumption is that she just couldn't wait for their "fun."

“Look, do you mind saving the stupid stuff for when I’m around? I won’t be able to concentrate if I think you’re jumping off cliffs behind my back.”

Apparently he IS that dumb. There's no indication that he's just putting up a brave front, or trying to keep Bella from realizing how upset he is. He's just too stupid to realize it.

I guess this is more of Smeyer's clumsy damage control so nobody could POSSIBLY think a depressed girl leaping off a cliff and enjoying the fact that she's going to die could be suicide. That's just crazy talk! Now Jacob is insisting that she is just doing "stupid" stuff, and not even bringing up the possibility that she tried to kill herself.

“Sure,” I agreed. “No problem.”

"I'll wait until you're around to leap off cliffs so I can hear my ex-boyfriend screaming at me! If I'm really lucky, I'll start drowning and then I'll actually SEE him!"
"I read Jane Austen, so I'm smart!"

I sounded like a chain-smoker.

So now she sounds like a fusty middle-aged woman as well as thinking like one.

We then find out that Victoria jumped in the ocean and swam away, which is a problem for the werewolves because she has the advantage in the ocean. This actually sort of makes sense - vampires are dead and don't have to breathe, and they're presumably not affected by freezing temperatures.

HOWEVER… we've been told that the vampires are stone. They are super-hard, super-durable, and they don't have to breathe. You know what happens when you put a stonelike object in the water? Here's a hint: it doesn't float. Floating is required for swimming.

We also find out that while Bella has been trying to kill herself out of self-indulgent emo-ness, somebody else has been having REAL problems: Harry Clearwater just suffered a massive heart attack and may die. Bella is immediately SO upset and worried about… whatsisname, that guy she never even noticed because she was too busy thinking about herself.

Abruptly, I felt really sick with guilt—felt truly horrible about the brainless cliff dive. Nobody needed to be worrying about me right now. What a stupid time to be reckless.

  1. Can we PLEASE stop pretending that she was just being "reckless"? Reckless is driving ten miles over the speed limit.
  2. Pretending a suicide attempt wasn't a suicide attempt is just insulting to the readers' intelligence.
  3. It's also insulting to people who actually DO attempt suicide - or even succeed at it - by pretending that suicidal behavior is just "reckless."
  4. Someone needs to tell Smeyer that all the characters don't have to rigidly adhere to her personal morals all the time. That's a great formula for boredom.
  5. Imagine how dull Jane Eyre would have been if Rochester had adhered to Bronte's morals. He and Jane would never have confessed their love, Bertha would never have gone on a rampage and killed herself, and both he and Jane would have spent their lives miserable and alone. In other words… the plot wouldn't have existed.
  6. And Bella doesn't feel bad because a man is fighting to survive, making her realize that life is precious and that she was trying to throw hers away casually because of her self-indulgent pain. No, she feels bad because it was INCONVENIENT TIMING.

“What can I do?” I asked.

Die in a fire. If that doesn't work, I'll think of something else.

Jacob dumps her on the couch and brings her some clothes of his, but Bella doesn't want to change her clothes. I guess it's too much work, and she'd rather just lie there in her soaking-wet, freezing-cold clothes.

“Don’t go anywhere. I’m too tired to move yet. Just stay with me.”

Aaaaaaand…. removed sex scene.

Jacob promptly falls asleep after banging Bella, which allows Bella to sit there contemplating Harry Clearwater.

Poor Harry. Poor Sue. I knew Charlie was going to be beside himself. Harry was one of his best friends. Despite Jake’s negative take on things, I hoped fervently that Harry would pull through. For Charlie’s sake. For Sue’s and Leah’s and Seth’s...

You know, in a better-written book this might actually be a nice moment that underscores the unselfishness of the lead character.

But come on. This is New Moon. Bella has not shown a single shred of unselfishness in this entire book. She's spent EVERY SINGLE MOMENT of this book so far thinking about herself, and EVERYTHING she did is for her own benefit.

The only times when she thought about anyone else's safety, feelings or experiences was when she wangsted about the wolves endangering themselves - and that lost all impact because she and the readers already knew that there wasn't any real danger. It didn't feel like real fear for someone else - it was like watching a terrible actor pretending to be a saintly person for the cameras.

And yeah, it is totally out of character for Bella to suddenly care SO MUCH about these various people she's barely even met, and who have appeared a total ONCE in the whole series. She has NEVER been unselfish, no matter how hard Smeyer tries to hammer it into our heads that she is. She shows no genuine empathy for others, because frankly she's too much of a protesting-too-much-for-flattery closet narcissist to care about anyone who doesn't do something for her.

Frankly, her sudden concern for the Clearwaters seems more like Bella is trying to dredge up some sense of moral superiority in the aftermath of her OBVIOUS SUICIDE ATTEMPT. Our heroine did something GASP! morally questionable? Quick, remind everybody that she's a saint! REMIND THEM, DAMMIT!

So Bella falls asleep, and has a dream that has nothing to do with Edturd or Jacob, or anyone else she wants to bang. Instead, it is a dream about how she is SO TOTALLY LIKE JULIET FOR REALZ, PEOPLE!

A balcony at night, a painted moon hanging in the sky. I watched the girl in her nightdress lean on the railing and talk to herself.

She was bland and boring and self-important and plain! She's so totally like me!

And why is she dreaming about the balcony scene? Shouldn't she be dreaming about Juliet stabbing herself?

Meaningless...but when I slowly struggled back to consciousness, Juliet was on my mind.

Nope, sorry. You don't get to do that. Never. Not allowed.

This isn't the first time that Smeyer has tried to hammer it straight into our skulls that Edward/Bella = Romeo/Juliet with vampires. But you know what? You don't get to play the Romeo & Juliet card if you DENY THAT A SUICIDE ATTEMPT HAPPENED. That is only the climax of the entire play. It is essential. Without it, the ending makes no fucking sense.

So sorry, Smeyer. Juliet did not die by tripping while she just happened to be holding Romeo's dagger aimed at herself. She committed suicide. You don't get to cite that play unless suicide occurs, or is at least attempted.

But my body just wanted to lie here limp, to never move again.

Oh good, she's back to normal.

Instead of moving, I thought about Juliet some more.

"OMG I'm like so totally like Juliet because we're both teenage girls who had boyfriends, and those boyfriends left for totally different reasons!"

I wondered what she would have done if Romeo had left her, not because he was banished, but because he lost interest?

She would have married Paris because, as a girl, she had no legal rights. Her parents probably would have gotten an annulment. She probably would have eventually come to love him, had a bunch of kids, and later looked back on her adolescent love affair with embarrassment.

Oh wait, that doesn't gel with the "TWOO WUV 4EVA!" belief, wherein a 13-year-old with no romantic experience is capable of a true, loving, deep relationship with a 20-something she's just met.

What if Rosalind had given him the time of day, and he’d changed his mind?

  1. It's ROSALINE, you illiterate mass of asshattery.
  2. RosaLIND was from an entirely unrelated Shakespearean play.
  3. It's official: this slack-jawed sexually-repressed freakshow has never actually read the play.
  4. And ferfucksake, who edited this?! Isn't it the job of editors to spot basic errors?!
  5. Well, that certainly wouldn't imply that it was true love, would it?
  6. And here's a thought: maybe Romeo was kind of a fickle dick. He was obsessed with Rosaline until he met Juliet, and they were together for only a few days before they killed themselves. If he and Juliet had lived happily ever after, I give it a month before he "fell in love" with somebody new.

What if, instead of marrying Juliet, he’d just disappeared?

Well, he would have been a dick. So?

I thought I knew how Juliet would feel.

No, I don't think she does. See, Shakespeare was a great writer with immense understanding of the human heart and mind, and his characters were capable of growth and evolution.

So yes, if Romeo had left Juliet, I somehow doubt she would have acted just like Bawla.

She wouldn’t go back to her old life, not really. She wouldn’t ever have moved on, I was sure of that. Even if she’d lived until she was old and gray, every time she closed her eyes, it would have been Romeo’s face she saw behind her lids. She would have accepted that, eventually.


I'm assuming my readers have been thirteen years old at some point, and the fact is, 13-year-olds tend to be idiots. They're just embarking on adolescence and learning about their tastes, beliefs and wants for adult life, but they also have no experience to temper their feelings. And they haven't grown common sense yet.

That goes for romantic interests too.

When it comes to romance, love and relationships, 13-year-olds are morons. This is the first time in their lives that sex hormones are running rampant, changing their bodies and making them desire other people sexually. But without common sense or past experience, they get these grotesque oversized crushes that eclipse REAL LIFE in their minds, and warp reality so that they think they have a chance with a 20-something actor or singer.

And you know what? That's normal. Because they don't know any better. They grow, they change, they achieve cognitive maturity, and eventually they will have a relationship (or several) with a person based on things that actually matter. They will realize that their love life is not what defines life itself and reality.

So in conclusion: a 13-year-old is NOT CAPABLE of having a deep, intense, passionate romantic relationship that will haunt him/her a lifetime even if the other person dumps them. Their brain still has massive amounts of growth and change still to come. IT'S JUST. NOT. POSSIBLE.

I defy you to find ONE solitary adult person who not only has the same crushes that she had when she was 13, but the exact same outlook about how OMG XXXXXX IS MY WHOLE LIFE WE'RE DESTINED TO BE TOGETHER I LOVE HIM EVEN THOUGH I'VE NEVER EVEN MET HIM BABBLE BABBLE BABBLE. You won't find one. Because that isn't how things work.

"Romeo and Juliet" is a fantasy about romance. A fairy tale. And like all fairy tales, you're not meant to think about "might have beens."

There are people who love so deeply that their lives are just sort of DRAINED after their lover either dies or leaves them. That sort of love, passion and intensity does exist. But it doesn't happen to people who've never even ventured outside their family circle. It wouldn't have been what Juliet truly felt for a man she barely knew, as her very first taste of life outside her family EVER.

I wondered if she would have married Paris in the end, just to please her parents, to keep the peace. No, probably not, I decided.

Yes. Yes, she would. Like I said, no rights. If Smeyer had read the whole play instead of just orgasming over how hot Romeo is, she might have noticed that Juliet's parents were going to FORCE her to marry Paris. Or does Smeyer think she should have nobly chosen to be thrown out in the streets and live as a starving, disease-riddled prostitute, just to be "faithful"?

And eventually she would have realized that it was for the best. Let's see, what DOESN'T Paris have? He's hot, he's rich, he's kind, he's devoted to her… what exactly is missing here? Oh yeah, he doesn't verbally abuse her.

But then, the story didn’t say much about Paris. He was just a stick figure—a placeholder, a threat, a deadline to force her hand.

Bullshit. He's actually a very interesting character, if you can look past the ickiness of a twentysomething man besotted with a 13-year-old (which also applies to Romeo).

Personally, I think he's one of the most tragic characters Shakespeare has ever written, especially since most people are so focused on Romeo and Juliet that they don't even notice his tragedy. This is a young man who has everything going for him - money, looks, charm, political connections, aristocratic birth - only for the girl he loves to fall in love with some schmuck who was obsessed with her cousin five minutes ago. She refuses to marry him and insults him, then commits suicide (supposedly) to avoid marrying him.

Traumatized, he vows to mourn her for the rest of her life and secretly goes to her grave to weep… only to have the schmuck appear, and since he has no idea of the relationship between Romeo and Juliet, he rightly assumes that he's there to wreck her tomb. His dying wish is to be laid beside the woman he loves. It's only then that Romeo realizes that Paris loved her truly, and takes pity on him because he is "One writ with me in sour misfortune's book!"

What could be sadder than to not only lose everything - including the person you love, and your own life - but to have no one care? To have no one notice except that you happened to die right near the famous lovers? Romeo and Juliet's deaths at least accomplished something, even if it was completely unintentional and neither of them was bright enough to realize what the Friar was trying to do. But Paris' death led to nothing, and he is unmourned at the play's end.

But I guess that would be too complex for Stephenie "TWOO WUV HERP DERP!" Meyer. He's not a "twoo wuvver," so he doesn't matter.

Which is exactly what you'd expect from a hack spewing out wish-fulfillment fantasies. Shakespeare was too good for that.

What if there were more to Paris?

There was. You're just too stupid to recognize it.

What if Paris had been Juliet’s friend? Her very best friend?

Friendzoning doesn't make him any less tragic, you bitch.

And guess what! Paris and Jacob have virtually nothing in common. For one thing, Paris was smart enough to recognize suicide when he saw it.

What if he was the only one she could confide in about the whole devastating thing with Romeo?

Then I would think she was a colossal bitch, rubbing it in his face like that. "Oh, my secret husband was exiled from Padua and I'll never see him again, boohoo! Good thing I have you, guy who is hopelessly in love with me, to just hang around and listen to me whining! I still won't marry you!"

The one person who really understood her and made her feel halfway human again? What if he was patient and kind?

Then I'd say he's a better catch than Romeo, who would probably be off boinking some girl in another city by then.

What if he took care of her? What if Juliet knew she couldn’t survive without him?

Romeo was gone for what, a day and a half? Then again, Bella went catatonic the moment Edturd dumped her, so I guess she thinks it's normal to have a complete psychological breakdown THAT FAST.

"Edward! Edward my darling! I neeeed you!"
"Bella, I'm just in the bathroom."
"But I cannot survive without you! I'm having a massive emotional breakdown!"
"Bella, this is a MEN'S ROOM. Women aren't allowed in. And I've only been in here for five minutes to gel my hair and practice pouting in the mirror!"

What if he really loved her, and wanted her to be happy?

HE DID, YOU BITCH. Even Romeo recognizes this.

And...what if she loved Paris? Not like Romeo. Nothing like that, of course.

Nothing like the four-day-long crush of a 13-year-old girl to the first 20-something guy to speak flowery words at her!

But enough that she wanted him to be happy, too?

You don't need to be IN LOVE with someone to want them to be happy in a general sort of way.

If Romeo was really gone, never coming back, would it have mattered whether or not Juliet had taken Paris up on his offer?

Well, it would have been bigamy. That was a slightly big deal.

Maybe she should have tried to settle into the leftover scraps of life that were left behind. Maybe that would have been as close to happiness as she could get.

Or maybe she would have realized that life with a good, kind, considerate man who could actually provide for her instead of an immature man-child with revolving-door crushes might be what actual happiness is about, once she had grown up enough to realize that being sexually aroused is not "happiness" or "love." (Bella still hasn't figured that out)

This whole scene is really pissing me off. When you lay them out - plot, characters, driving forces, motivations, resolutions - New Moon has almost nothing in common with Romeo and Juliet. NOTHING. Smeyer is just trying to attach her crappy vampire romances to a story that has survived hundreds of years, by one of the greatest writers in history for one reason, because it's a cheap lazy way of notifying people that this is a star-crossed romance for the ages.

And the NERVE is just disgusting. Shakespeare was a master of writing tight plots, beautiful poetry/prose, witty dialogue and characters with amazing depth. I've read other plays from his time, and they were pretty awful compared to him. So a hack like Smeyer trying to equate her crappy books with ANY work of his is just insulting.

I'm not even sure she's really READ the play or seen it. I think she just watched the balcony scene and skimmed the Cliff's Notes.

Romeo wouldn’t change his mind.

Well, not for a month or two. Then he'd see some other pretty girl at a party, and leave Juliet crying alone at home.

Seriously, what about his relationship with Juliet makes it deeper or more "true love" than his fascination with Rosaline? He "falls in love" without even speaking to her, and they MARRY after knowing each other for about ten minutes.

So tell me: why is it true love with Juliet and not with Rosaline?


I'm waiting, Smeyer.

That’s why people still remembered his name, always twined with hers: Romeo and Juliet. That’s why it was a good story. “Juliet gets dumped and ends up with Paris” would have never been a hit.

  1. Bullshit.
  2. Bullshit.
  3. Bullshit.
  4. More bullshit.
  5. So a story isn't "good" because of well-developed characters, writing and plot… it's because it has two immature teens mooning after each other and calling it love.
  6. By her logic, Casablanca wasn't memorable or "good" because the lovers split at the end, and he tells her to go with the man she loves but isn't in love with.
  7. And actually, people DO remember the name Romeo apart from Juliet. It's a slang term referring to a sentimental, eloquent lover. No mention of Juliet mentioned, idiot.
  8. In fact, Meyer herself mentions it later in the chapter. DURRRRRRRRR...

At this point, Smeyer belatedly remembers that Bella is supposedly unselfish and never thinks about herself. Oh joy.

What if something bad happened to me? What would that do to Charlie?

It would probably devastate him. But apparently you don't really give a shit about that, or it would have been the FIRST thing you thought about instead of the LAST.

Perspective that I didn’t want to see, because—if I admitted to the truth of it—it would mean that I would have to change my ways. Could I live like that?

Yes, you could. A lot of people do. People who had REAL relationships built on trust, love and respect over many years have managed to move on and deal with it.

You dated a dude for six months, then got dumped. Deal with it.

it would be downright miserable to give up my hallucinations and try to be a grown-up.

So is that an admission that Bella is an immature little twat instead of the awe-inspiringly smart, wise, mature creature we're supposed to see her as?

But maybe I should do it. And maybe I could. If I had Jacob.

That's right. Once again, she's pinning all her physical and emotional well-being on a guy.

After all, you couldn't expect a hysterical weak-minded little WOMAN to get over rejection herself! I mean, her menses and uteri make her instantly unreliable! She needs a big strong man to take charge of her life.

So while Bella is daydreaming about her oh-so-awesome suicide attempt, Billy comes into the house and confirms that Harry Clearwater is now dead.

Seriously, am I supposed to care? I don't think he even had a line.

“Oh, no, Billy!” I moaned.

Oh shut up. You spent the last ten minutes going through an abridged version of your emo wanking.

There's a hideously awkward scene where all the characters just sort of stand there stiffly, saying all the empty words you hear when somebody you don't know dies. This scene might not be so weird if we actually KNEW Harry Clearwater, but we don't. He and his family were in one scene earlier in the book. They're little better than extras.

So… I'm not sad that he's dead. I'm not sad that the characters are sad. I DON'T CARE.

This is sort of like when JK Rowling started building up all this hype about how an important character would die in Goblet of Fire, and it turned out to be Cedric Diggory. By the time he died, I had actually forgotten who he was.

He looks strangely familiar.

Then again, Rowling learned from her mistakes and started killing off characters who the readers actually cared about: Dumbledore, Snape, one of the Weasleys, Sirius Black, etc. And unlike Harry Clearwater, they were characters you saw often enough to LIKE.

So Jacob is sad, and Billy is sad…. and that doesn't center on Bella, so Jacob randomly decides to start fussing about Bella's health.

I lay listlessly on the sofa while I waited for him.

What makes him think she's not doing fine? She seems pretty normal.

In fact, she's SO normal that she needs Jacob to drag her ass out to the car, and she just sits there like a blob while he drives.

I couldn’t imagine my life without Jacob now—I cringed away from the idea of even trying to imagine that. Somehow, he’d become essential to my survival. But to leave things the way they were...was that cruel, as Mike had accused?

  1. Yes. It is.
  2. It is extremely cruel to keep stringing someone along while taking advantage of them.
  3. And the fact that you're coldly planning to do that shows that YOU are cruel.
  4. You bitch.
  5. And of course, having a man is essential to Bella's survival. Of course.

I remembered wishing that Jacob were my brother. I realized now that all I really wanted was a claim on him.

Our heroine. She wants a "claim" on a guy so he'll keep paying attention to her.

It didn’t feel brotherly when he held me like this. It just felt nice—warm and comforting and familiar.

So brotherly hugs aren't supposed to feel "nice" or "comforting"? I guess warm, comforting, familiar hugs are only things you get from hot boys you want to bang. Brothers hug you in a headlock and punch you in the face.

I could stake a claim. I had that much within my power.

… so she thinks of dating Jacob as "staking a claim," like he's a movie seat.


I’d have to tell him everything, I knew that.

I'd have to tell him about my shrunken head collection!

So Bella is oh-so-generously thinking about how if she "stakes a claim," she'll have to tell Jacob everything about how she doesn't actually give a crap about him, how she's still obsessing on her ex-boyfriend, and she regularly hears voices.

I’d have to explain it right, so that he’d know I wasn’t settling, that he was much too good for me.

How can an adult in 21st-century American not know what "settling" means? It doesn't mean that you're dating someone who isn't as good as you are. It means you're dating someone that isn't what you want, but you're accepting them even though they're not satisfactory.

So yes, Bella IS settling. She wants Edturd, but since she can't have him, she'll latch onto the poor Indian because he lavishes attention on her.

I knew he would take me in spite of it all. He wouldn’t even pause to think it through.

Yes, every teen boy dreams of the day a girl will say to him, "I'm still obsessed with my ex-boyfriend, but since he's not here, I guess I'll date you instead. Maybe."

And really, how arrogant is Bella that she just ASSUMES that Jacob would still take her? I guess she thinks he has no pride or standards. or else that she's just SO desirable that no man would ever turn her down even if she admits to being crazy and manipulative, and says she'll never really love him.

Either that, or she figures a mentally-ill, bitchy white girl is the best an impoverished Indian can hope for.

I would have to commit to this—commit as much of me as there was left, every one of the broken pieces.

Because it's not like teenagers date more than one person. Whoever you date has to be a lifetime commitment! Otherwise, it's just unfair!

Would it be so wrong to try to make Jacob happy?

Ladies and gentlemen, we're now entering the part of the modern Sue novel known as "Delusional Bullshit." In this section, the author tries very hard to justify the Sue's selfish choices by pretending she's doing something selfless, even though she admitted before that it was for her own purposes. You are not meant to remember that part.

Sorry, Smeyer. Bella referred to dating Jacob as "staking a claim" a minute ago. You made it clear she doesn't give a shit about him and his happiness, and that this is all just a means of making Jacob "hers" so she won't have to stand on her own two feet. You don't get to suddenly change it to "Bella is just trying to make Jacob HAPPY!"

And if you want proof, the moment she has a chance she dumps Jacob like dirty underwear and goes rushing back to the guy who ditched her miles from home and left town to avoid her. Clearly his happiness matters a lot.

Even if the love I felt for him was no more than a weak echo of what I was capable of, even if my heart was far away, wandering and grieving after my fickle Romeo, would it be so very wrong?

Yes. It would. You'd be pulling a guy into what you view as a long-term commitment just so you can "stake a claim" on human marijuana. If you're so fucking emo over your "fickle Romeo" (funny, no mention of Juliet), then stay by yourself instead of spreading around the misery.

They get to Bella's home at that point, where Jacob immediately hugs Bella and tells her how glad he is that she didn't smash her brains out.

Wouldn’t Edward, indifferent as he might be, want me to be as happy as was possible under the circumstances? Wouldn’t enough friendly emotion linger for him to want that much for me? I thought he would. He wouldn’t begrudge me this: giving just a small bit of the love he didn’t want to my friend Jacob. After all, it wasn’t the same love at all.

Actually, he'd want nothing of the sort. According to Smeyer's own writing, he was deeply upset by the idea of Bella dating and getting married to anybody.

So yeah, her darling Edturd doesn't want her to be happy. He just wants her to be his property.

If you need any further proof: he basically pissed on her to show that she was his property in Twilight, but repeatedly refuses to turn her. So he wouldn't make her a vampire, but he DID want her to waste her entire mortal life - eschewing marriage, children and everything else - by sticking with him.

Bella contemplates whether she should start kissing Jacob, because she knows that then he'd want to have sex. Well, he's not white and delightsome, so he would totally have sex before marriage. Of course, it would probably be like having sex with a sofa - Bella's so passive that she'd just lie there and daydream while Jacob did all the work.

But could I do it? Could I betray my absent heart to save my pathetic life?

  1. Of course she could. She's a weak hysterical wanton woman, not like the Big Strong Morally-Upright Edward who will valiantly reject all sexual advances.
  2. "Save my pathetic life"? Nobody's holding a gun to her head and commanding, "Have sex with Jacob or I shoot!"
  3. According to Smeyer, she's not even suicidal. So where does this "saving my life" crap come from?
  4. Oh wait, she needs a melodramatic excuse to have sex. She can't do it because she WANTS to, it has to be because she'll DIE if she doesn't.
  5. Where have I heard that before?
  6. Oh, and you notice how she jumps straight to sex? Nothing like, "Hey Jake, how about we go out for dinner?" Nope, right to the sex in the old rusty truck.
  7. Then again, the strength of Bella's "love" is entirely determined by how much she wants to fuck somebody, and how much money they have.

But oh noes! Jacob suddenly smells… a vampire!

Please, God, let it be Victoria. I want to fantasize about this series ending in a bloodbath.

“OH!” The breath whooshed out of Jacob like someone had punched him in the gut. “Holy crap!”

Gasp! Another naughty word! Those non-righteous Native Americans!

Jacob pretty much freaks out, trying to start the car while mumbling questions to the other werewolves. Wait, I thought they could only hear each other's thoughts in wolf form? I'm confused.

But then Bella sees the car parked next to her house, and recognizes it.

It was a black car—a car I knew. I might be the furthest thing from an autophile, but I could tell you everything about that particular car. It was a Mercedes S55 AMG. I knew the horsepower and the color of the interior. I knew the feel of the powerful engine purring through the frame. I knew the rich smell of the leather seats and the way the extra-dark tint made noon look like dusk through those windows.
It was Carlisle’s car.

Wait… so because she dated Edward, she memorized all the information about his boyfriend/dad's car? Including the make and horsepower? That's… really creepy. And weird. I bet she's catalogued Alice's underwear too.

“It’s not Victoria. Stop, stop! I want to go back.”

"That building may have a sparkly penis with my name on it!"

Jacob almost has another freakout at the mention of the Cullens, but Bella doesn't really care about that. No, she's only thinking about how there's a sparklepire in there that she can latch onto like a limpet.

It was just Carlisle, I told myself. Don’t expect anything more. Maybe Esme...Stop right there, I told myself. Just Carlisle. That was plenty. More than I’d ever hoped to have again.

"I'll just have to fuck Carlisle instead!"

“There’s a vampire in your house,” Jacob hissed. “And you want to go back?”

… dude, she's a fangbanger. She dated a vampire for MONTHS. It's a little late to be acting like this is supposed to be scary to her.

Bella keeps whining at him to take her back home, and Jacob flatly refuses. For some reason, it never occurs to her to just GET OUT OF THE FUCKING TRUCK and walk back, since they're only a short distance from her house. Oh wait, she's lazy.

“Look, Bella,” he said in the same hard voice. “I can’t go back. Treaty or no treaty, that’s my enemy in there.”

"Especially if they keep playing that Justin Bieber song at top volume!"

“I have to tell Sam right away. This changes things. We can’t be caught on their territory.”

What IS their territory? Is that ever defined for us?

“Jake, it’s not a war!”

And who are you to decide that, bitch? It's not even your fight.

“Bye, Bella,” he called back over his shoulder. “I really hope you don’t die.”

I'm starting to like Jacob again. Once he's reminded that she's a vampire groupie and will always put them first, he stops giving a shit.

What had I just done to Jacob?

"Now he would never screw me in my big ugly truck!"

But hey, Jacob Schmacob. There's a sparklepire in that house! Bella immediately forgets all about the guy she was about to have sex with, and goes prancing up to the house.

I felt a pang of doubt, staring at the house, deep in shadow. What if it was a trick?

Yes, I'm sure Victoria went out to steal a car of the exact same make as Carlisle's just to trick Bella.

So then Bella goes inside, and immediately realizes something that I figured out immediately: that "fire on the water" was actually Victoria's red hair. Oh noes! How incredibly predictable!

I blinked into the sudden light, and saw that someone was there, waiting for me.

I don't even care who it is anymore, as long as they kill her.

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