Sunday, August 9, 2015

Midnight Sun Chapter 1

So, this book is an opportunity to start anew with Stephenie Meyer's characters. How? Because THIS one doesn't have Bawla Wan as the main character and narrator! HUZZAH!

So who is the main character?

I am experiencing chagrin.

Yes, this book has sparkling asshole Edward as the main character and narrator. But I'm sure the tone of this book will be completely different since the character is over a century old, and has presumably gained great wisdom and perspective over that time. So I'm sure we will see plenty of backstory and previous experiences that Twilight didn't show.



We're not going to get either one, are we? This is just Twilight from the perspective of ANOTHER annoying, whiny twit, isn't it?

Well, there is one thing about this book that is better: we don't hear the endless monologuing about how Edturd and his family moved into Forks and how lame it is, like we did in Twishite. It's a small, small upside.

High school. Or was purgatory the right word?

…. because you would totally expect a century-old vampire to act like a whiny melodramatic teenager who thinks school is such a DRAAAAAAAAG.

One line in. One line in, and already Meyer has demonstrated that she can't convey the maturity of anyone above the age of seven who's whining because Mommy brought them on a shopping trip.

If there was any way to atone for my sins, this ought to count toward the tally in some measure.

If he hates high school so much, how come he keeps going? There's this fun activity called "homeschooling," which he wouldn't have to actively do 99% of the time because he would already know everything about it. Or he could pretend to be eighteen and have graduated. Presumably this is just so the perfect Edward will have something to wangst and whine about… but frankly, it just makes Edward sound like a pathetic immature weenie.

He really is Bawla Wan's soulmate, isn't he?

The tedium was not something I grew used to; every day seemed more impossibly monotonous than the last.

That pretty much describes how it feels to flog Meyers' books.

Anyway, Edward just sits there staring at the wall and contemplating what morons all the ordinary humans are. Apparently he is sooooooo awesome that he's totally bored by all the people there, and the have SUCH trivial thoughts compared to his Deep And Emo Musings Of Angst And Superiority. After all, NOBODY has more interesting thoughts than Edturd! All of whose thoughts are about how awesome he is and much other people suck!

Half a page inside this dude's head, and already I hate him. His narrative is that of a self-satisfied douchebag.

Today, all thoughts were consumed with the trivial drama of a new addition to the small student body here. It took so little to work them all up.

Obviously that last part is true, since the student body of a high school really wouldn't have any reason to give a crap about a new student. Students come and go all the time in modern America. But since that student is Bawla Wan, of course everyone acts like Eva Mendes just signed on to be the new phys ed teacher, with a clause agreeing to wear skimpy shorts and no bra.

Why? Allegedly it's because she's NEW, but I don't think anyone is dumb enough to buy Smeyer's claims. Especially since New Moon introduces us to an even newer student... and nobody gives a shit.

So Mr. Sparkle has already mind-read the various mortals at the place, and has decided that Bawla is just an ordinary girl with nothing special. He also shows more disgust and scorn at the humans around him, comparing the general excitement to "flashing a shiny object at a child" and calling the guys "sheep-like"… which is funny since he's inflamed by neck-gnawing lust by her presence. So, is Smeyer admitting that Edward is a childlike sheep? Of course not! That would require logic!

It's kind of funny that he claims that human minds are full of ordinary mundane stuff. Maybe that's what's in Meyers' head, since her skull is filled with Wonder Bread and she only likes things that are boring and bland. But I'm pretty sure you could find plenty of filthy, weird, bizarre, salacious stuff in people's everyday brains. Sex alone would be rampant!

Want evidence? Anyone who has been on the Internet knows this. Even the G-rated world has some insane shit.

Nope, human minds never dwell on ANYTHING weird or interesting or sick.

Also, Eddie hasn't turned out a single halfway interesting thought thus far… and I doubt he will. Apparently Smeyer thinks that if you sit around thinking about how stupid other people are, it will make YOU look smart... even if you don't say or do anything smart.

The only people he doesn't treat like insects worthy only of squashing are his four siblings, who apparently don't care that he can eavesdrop on their brains. Isn't Edward wonderfully moral? Nobody around him deserves any privacy because they're just pathetic weakling humans! This is our HERO! FUCK IT ALL!

Rosalie was thinking, as usual, about herself.

Unlike a certain sparkly emo boy playing his tiny violin and thinking about how much better he is than everyone else, huh?

She’d caught sight of her profile in the reflection off someone’s glasses, and she was mulling over her own perfection. Rosalie’s mind was a shallow pool with few surprises.

It's nice to have a "hero" who is so kind and generous to his family, rather than being as catty as a bitchy teenage girl.

And honestly, the only surprise in Edturd's mind is the fact that yes, he IS this shallow and dull. He may actually be shallower and duller than Bawla Wan, which is an amazing achievement. At least before this, you could PRETEND that maybe he has a few deep thoughts that he just never bothered to tell us... but no, he's amazingly boring.

Emmett was fuming over a wrestling match he’d lost to Jasper during the night.

I guess the males of that family have nothing better to do than… wrestle… with other males… at night… so yeah. I can only speculate what he means by "lost."

It would take all his limited patience to make it to the end of the school day to orchestrate a rematch.

I'm sure it will. Seriously, how can someone produce THIS MUCH gay subtext without realizing it?

Anyway, he reflects that Emmett has such a nice clear mind, unlike that shallow skanky bitch Rosalie. I guess Edward has some old-fashioned misogyny as well as all his other massive defects - men are always awesome, women suck. A stupid meathead is nice and refreshing, a vain blonde is a stupid shallow bimbo. Funny that gay wrestling doesn't bother him, though. I'd expect homophobia to be right up there with misogyny in the "old-fashoned" handbook.

Meanwhile Jasper is getting weird because he's surrounded by walking pitchers of blood. Resident QuirkMaster Alice calls Eddie telepathically because she's Just That Awesome, and they start chatting about how Jasper's coping. Alice starts checking the future to see if Jasper will start ripping people's throats out, which is sort of pointless since IF HE CHANGES HIS MIND, her entire vision becomes invalid. And if he does change his mind, she won't have time to stop him.

Plus, why wait that long? Why not check before they leave the house, and make him stay home if he will? Oh wait, Alice's visions only go as far into the future as PLOT CONVENIENCE allows.

SparkleEmoBoy starts wangsting again about how Jasper is struggling and how they shouldn't tempt him by letting him out of the house. Apparently they haven't gone "hunting" in two weeks so they're getting kinda hungry, but fortunately most humans don't stand too close because the Cullens are weird. Then some chick walks by and Edward starts drooling all over the place and getting ready to pounce. Oh wait, he's not actually gonna do it - but Jasper's fantasizing about sucking her blood.

Thinking of leaning down and in, as if he were going to whisper in her ear, and letting his lips touch the arch of her throat. Imagining how the hot flow of her pulse beneath the fine skin would feel under his mouth...

This raises an interesting question I have: If Meyers' sparkly vampires don't have fangs, how the hell do they drink blood? Traditional vampire fangs are derived from bat fangs, which make little punctures to produce just enough blood to feed the animal, without causing excessive bleeding. But if her vampires basically have human teeth, they'd have no way of puncturing a vein or artery without splattering blood all over the place and probably leaving the throat looking like hamburger.

See those? They have a REASON to be pointy.

So Emoward knocks Jasper out of it, and starts wangsting about how he and Alice are freaks among freaks, because heaven forbid this scene be about JASPER. So while Alice is trying to calm Jasper down, Emoboy hears DUN DUN DUN someone thinking his name, so he glances over at where it's coming from. And he's immediately hit by

a pair of wide, chocolate- brown human eyes set in a pale, heart-shaped face.

Wow, that totally doesn't sound like a description of Meyer herself.

Of course, it's resident whiny pasty bitchy emo Sue Bella Swan, also known as the Exiled Queen Of Phoenix, who is as self-obsessed, snotty and generally pain-in-the-assy as dear Emo Boy himself. And these are our main characters. KILL ME.

Of course she’s already crushing on the Cullens, I heard the first thought continue.

Presumably this is a sign of Jessica's uber-bitchiness, but the fact is, she's right. Bawla IS crushing on the Cullens, for they are hot, rich, shallow and hold themselves apart from the common sheep. They're just like her! She was MADE to marry into their wealth... I mean, their family!

What a relief it had been when she’d gotten over her misplaced infatuation. It used to be nearly impossible to escape her constant, ridiculous daydreams.

Needless to say "she" is Jessica, vilified once more as an evil jellus bitch who is only bitter because Edward turned her down. Of course, once again Jessica is actually right - as we know, she's telling Bella that nobody there is good enough for SparkleEmoBoy, and she's correct. He basically sees everyone there as insects unworthy of attention by the great and deep Cullens.

So... why am I supposed to hate her?

Of course, Eddie Boy hasn't uttered a single deep or significant thought in the chapter thus far. His thoughts are basically navel-gazing and trivial ramblings about what a horror it is to be surrounded by people. I can only assume that Stephenie Meyer hates the human race, because she clearly thinks that being antisocial and snobby is a sign of genuine superiority.

That would have silenced those annoying fantasies. The thought of her reaction almost made me smile.

So now Perfect Sparkle Dude is also a sadist. Jacob hasn't even entered the scene and already I'm rooting for him… to kill Eddie and Bella both.

Meanwhile Jessica is internally bitching about how she doesn't understand why the boys like Bella, and I agree with her for the third time - Bella has the personal charm of a piece of decaying limburger garnished with a dead skunk. She's also talentless, has no personal interests, is contemptuous of everybody, ridiculously klutzy, and throws tantrums if her "friends" don't devote themselves to her whims. Add that she is, by her own admission, plain as a used washcloth and you've got an obvious sex symbol.

Oh, and Edward is quite snarky about how Jessica likes Mike and is therefore quite mean internally to pooooooor Bella. Then he decides to check on what Bella thinks.

It happened occasionally—some human with an active imagination would see in us the characters of a book or a movie.

I don't see how that's possible. They mainly resemble vampires in the sense that they drink blood, which presumably they keep hidden. Otherwise they sparkle, have no fangs, have no reaction to holy items or garlic, walk about in the daylight, and so onand so forth. Why would anyone assume that they're vampires when they fulfill the absolute minimum criteria? You might as well think they're fairies, or aliens, or government-mutated ubermenschen.

Seriously, look at the vampires in books and movies. Do you look at the Cullens and think, "Yup, those people are TOTALLY vampires"?

I heard nothing, though I listened close

Yeah the jokes just write themselves. It doesn't take a mind-reader to know that there's nothing going on in Bella's attic.

Anyway, Edward is weirded out by the fact that he can't detect any of Bella's thoughts, which is sort of like being weirded out that you can't catch any bright purple cats with horns and scales. Bawla starts blushing and being fascinated by the Hot Rich People, which doesn't surprise Edward. After all, he considers himself so awesome that the common sheep cannot even approach his majesty with their paltry thoughts.

Hell, I'm amazed that Edward can even see Bawla. It's established in Twilight that she's basically hiding inside her hair like a girl ghost from a Japanese horror movie. Except the ghost girls don't ever talk.

"Charlie, I'm home from school."

...wonder what music she likes...maybe I could mention that new CD... Mike Newton was thinking, two tables away—fixated on Bella Swan.

I imagine she likes whatever bands the Hot Rich Family likes, and otherwise likes horrible emo nu-metal and whatever's on 25 Top Classical Songs for Ignorant People Who Want To Look Cultured.

Since Bella is so awesome and gorgeous and hot and beautiful and famous, EVERYBODY in the cafeteria is thinking about her - the ones that aren't lusting after her are desperately hoping to be her new buddy or are spewing internal vitriol at her for being so damned attractive. The only way Bella could be any more Suey is if she was suddenly discovered to be a princess who is also half fairy.

And since Eddie boy has no moral opposition to listening to any of the Common Sheep's thoughts, he also has no problem eavesdropping on them. Isn't he PEEERRRRFEEECT?

Oh, good luck, idiot! Jessica thought before answering the girl’s question. “That’s Edward. He’s gorgeous, of course, but don’t waste your time. He doesn’t date. Apparently none of the girls here are good-looking enough for him.” She sniffed.

I'm really starting to like Jessica. Not only does she actually say it like it is, but she's unimpressed by the walking wad of emo idiocy that is Bawla Wan. And again, she's 110% right!

However, Edward flies into a HULK RAAAAAAAAGE because Jessica is being so MEEEEAAAAAAN to the new girl. Yeah, he doesn't even know her and hasn't exchanged a single word with her, but he's enraged because someone called her an idiot IN THEIR OWN HEAD. How dare she think anything honestly!

I could see the rhythmic pulse of blood through her veins under the clear, pale membrane...

I feel sorry for anyone who has "clear" skin, because "translucent" and "transparent" are not the same thing. Guillermo Del Toro had a vampire who had "clear" skin, and frankly it was pretty gross.

And then…. GASP! Bawla FROWNS. She has a little line between her eyebrows, meaning that POOOOOOOR Bawla is suffering so from having to…. be NOTICED, and make CONVERSATION with the Common Sheep. Clearly she is suffering as only martyrs have done, from the horror of having people PAY ATTENTION TO HER, and from having to.... to... INTERACT.

See the guy with an arrow through his neck, slowly dying a painful death? He has NOTHING on Bella's tortured misery of pain!

I could sense her shyness

Evidently Edward's Spidey-senses are off today, because as Twilight reveals to us, Bawla isn't shy at all. She's just so contemptuous of mere mortals that aren't Hot, Rich or from non-Forks places that she can't stand to actually be in the same room as them. She's too self-asorbed to make conversation. And she's too lazy to make the effort.

Anyway, Rosalie probably notices that Edward's propping up the table with his fly, because she says that lunch is over, and the vampire siblings all start leaving the cafeteria.

No doubt, when I did decipher her thoughts—and I would find a way to do so—they would be just as petty and trivial as any human’s thoughts.

That's the first true thing that Hot Rich Emo Boy has said in this entire chapter.

I headed off for my junior level biology class, preparing my mind for the tedium. It was doubtful Mr. Banner, a man of no more than average intellect, would manage to pull out anything in his lecture that would surprise someone holding two graduate degrees in medicine.

Sez the dude who performs a caesarian in the fourth book… with his TEETH.

Presumably in Meyers' tiny bland mind, this is supposed to indicate that Edward is OMG-SUPERHUMANLY SMART AND AWESOME, because obviously no mere mortal could have TWO MASTER'S DEGREES. Except Edward, who is far smarter than any Common Sheep teacher, and all the Common Sheep are rendered unworthy by virtue of being Not As Beautiful/Smart/Powerful As Edward! Oh wait, there are plenty of people with multiple master's… just apparently nobody Smeyers knows. And given infinite time and resources, many more people could get multiple master's.

I'm starting to wonder if Smeyers is actually a pen name for Laurell K. Hamilton, because both women are equally shallow, view power as an indicator of moral standing, and clearly hate the human race.

It also raises the basic question: If Eddie can pass for a grad student (who tend to be in their mid-late twenties) why the hell is he bothering to masquerade as a high school student? Apparently nobody noticed/gave a damn during the FOUR YEAR PERIODS he was studying in grad school, yet somehow he HAS to pretend to be a high school student because boohoo that's what he looks like? I CALL BULLSHIT.

Oh wait, Smeyer has probably never met anyone who has been a grad student, so how would she know?

Having done that, Edward reflects on how he's so smart he knows everything in the textbooks, and how he's soooooo SCAAAAARY that the Common Sheep are spooked by his awesomeness.

Bella seems just as shy as me. I’ll bet today is really hard for her. I wish I could say something...but it would probably just sound stupid...

Don't worry, Angela. She's not shy, just stupid, shallow and whiny. And nothing stupid you say could top her internal monologues. Besides, she only likes you because you don't force her to fake interest in other people.

Anyway, Bawla comes in and still has no detectable thoughts. She ends up having to sit next to Eddie boy, which for any normal person would be a stint in hell - imagine sitting there watching him brood, pose and pout all semester, checking his lipstick and restyling his hair. And whenever he opened his mouth, it would just be the verbal vomit of: "I'm so smart and awesome and powerful you're all shallow losers compared to me I hate being around you because you're unworthy of me because I'm smart and awesome..."

Then… he smells Bawla. I imagine she smells like cottage cheese, unwashed hair and cheap lipgloss.

But no! She has the awesomest bestest sweetest scent EVAH, and Eddie is barely able to keep from chugging from her jugular like a devoted alcoholic in a wine cellar. Apparently her blood is heroin, fine sirloin, banana splits and everything else delicious to a vampire. CUZ SHE'S JUST THAT AWESOME. She can't have ORDINARY blood. She has to have SUE blood! It's probably rainbow-colored!

There was no image violent enough to encapsulate the force of what happened to me in that moment.

Doncha love how she paints such vivid pictures? "I can't describe it"… laaaaame.

Eddie can barely restrain himself from chugging her blood, and he states that he plans to get high on her yummy blood and leave her dead, dead, dead. Evidently his morals don't stand up well in the face of temptation, because he isn't feeling a single twinge of horror or worry at his reaction - just drooling at the idea of killing her in the biology lab. Our Hero, ladies and gents.

Now, I don't mind a vampire being portrayed as a cunning, sociopathic killing machine to whom quenching their thirst is the be-all-end-all. My favorite vampire is DRACULA. However, Stephenie Meyer is presenting this vile little turd as the ULTIMATE MAN, the perfect dream guy. And he has no qualms about killing people, no moral struggle whatsoever.

So Bawla walks toward him in slow motion and makes an oh-so-stealthy glance at the Hot Rich Guy, who is in withdrawal because HER BLOOD SO YUMMY. It's funny that earlier in the story, he was sneering about how Jasper shouldn't be allowed out of the house because he can't control himself, and here he is planning to kill and bloodsuck a girl IN THE BIOLOGY LAB in PLAIN SIGHT because he's got a vampiric boner for her blood.

I would chalk that up as irony, but I don't think Smeyer is smart enough to do "irony."

Her haste made her clumsy—she tripped and stumbled forward, almost falling into the girl seated in front of me. Vulnerable, weak.

How about, "So far up her own butt that she can't walk in a straight line"? Seriously, Meyer thinks that being exaggeratedly clumsy is just so charming and alluring?

Eddie boy is so turned on… I mean, so bloodthirsty that he actually BREAKS THE TABLE, and cleans up the evidence by BREAKING A HOLE WHERE IT WAS. Nobody notices this, apparently. Because holes usually appear randomly in wooden tables. Yes, clearly he has ninjaesque stealth!

I knew what had to happen now. The girl would have to come sit beside me, and I would have to kill her.
The innocent bystanders in this classroom, eighteen other children and one man, could not be allowed to leave this room, having seen what they would soon see.

Yay for Our Hero. He's now decided that he HAS to kill Bawla, and has no choice in the matter because CHOICE BE BAD. Then he's going to massacre the entire class, apparently without ANYONE in Forks being the slightest bit suspicious of the one survivor.

And it's not like he's so crazed by bloodlust that he can't help himself. He is acting perfectly rationally and intelligently. He just doesn't give a shit.

So not only is he a blithering idiot, but he also has zero self-control and is morally bereft. Half of one chapter, and already our alleged hero is a worse sociopath than Eragon. Not quite as bad as Anita Blake since he hasn't RAPED the entire class yet, but that sets the bar pretty low.

Even at my very worst, I had never committed this kind of atrocity. I had never killed innocents, not in over eight decades. And now I planned to slaughter twenty of them at once.

Note that even as he wangsts about this, he doesn't make any effort to avoid it. It would understandable if he just wanted to kill Bawla, but wanting to kill nineteen other people to cover his tracks requires cold-blooded planning and deliberation. So basically he's going through the motions of being angsty and remorseful, but isn't actually feeling that way at all.

So Edward belongs to the Anita Blake School of Morality - if you wangst about doing something bad, you've absolved yourself of all guilt. Yay. Isn't he PERFECT?

If I killed the girl first, I would have only fifteen or twenty seconds with her before the humans in the room would react.

Hopefully with uproarious applause and cheers.

Eddie sits there calculating how long it will take to kill Bawla, how many necks he can break per second, and how he can trap them in the room like doomed chickens if he just blocks the door, because they can't get out the windows. He also starts choreographing how he's gotta kill them all before anybody hears the screams so he won't be forced to kill the whole school. Seriously, the guy is contemplating just where he's going to have to run and what pattern he'll kill people in, and the exact timeframes of death versus panic.

Evidently Smeyers intends to convince us that Edward is SOOOOOOOOO overwhelmed by Bella's chocolatey-delicious blood that he's losing all control. But frankly, he sounds VERY controlled. Amoral, but so rational and in control that he's doing math in his head. When people are filled with primal emotions and urges, they usually aren't sitting there choreographing their next massacre in their heads.

So now not only is Edward a pretentious self-absorbed douchebag who hates women and considers the entire human race an irritant to his majesty, but he's also an amoral psychopath. Isn't he just PERFECT?

Long enough for Bella Swan to see, briefly, what was coming for her. Long enough for her to feel fear. Long enough, maybe, if shock didn’t freeze her in place, for her to work up a scream. One soft scream that would not bring anyone running.

… because when filled with primal ravening bloodlust, you'd expect a vampire to sit there saying gooey romantic things about "soft screams."

And apparently Stephenie Meyers decided to take the Anne Rice route by claiming that Eddie has only killed really bad criminals... because killing bad guys doesn't count as murder. Right, Jack Ruby and Christopher Scarver?

He wangsts about how monstrous this makes him, but apparently since he only targets the evil humans, we're supposed to swoon at how moral he is. Despite, you know, plotting to kill his class. In cold blood. With no moral quivers.

The other face was Carlisle’s.

"Oh Carlisle, my love! I think of you all the time!"

Seriously, why else would a grown man select a teenage boy to be his vampiric companion? I'm amazed Carlisle doesn't tell Bella, "I saw him first, bitch."

But Edward waxes boring about facts we already know: that he was "adopted" (sure, yeah) by Carlisle, and that if he gave in he would lose his "Carlisleness" FOREVER OH WOE OF ANGST. Even though we have been told that he DID give in before, and Carlisle doesn't seem to give a damn about it.

And then he starts angsting - not that he's planning to kill people, but that boohoo he's gonna disappoint his daddy, and that waaaaaaa Bella is ruining his life! It's all about him! His life sucks and it's ALL HER FAULT!

In fact, he even basically says that his reason for not killing people is all about Carlisle. But there's nothing gay about this, okay?

I didn’t want to be the monster! I didn’t want to kill this room full of harmless children! I didn’t want to lose everything I’d gained in a lifetime of sacrifice and denial!
I wouldn’t. She couldn’t make me.

So rather than saying that he doesn't want to kill innocents and destroy people who didn't deserve it, he's howling about how WAAAAA he's worked so hard and he doesn't wanna backslide and obviously she's TRYING to tempt him.

Hmmm, the woman is automatically assumed to be an evil temptress who just lives to tempt the man to have sex with her…. er, drink her blood. This is sounding suspiciously archaic.

If there was only some way to resist...if only another gust of fresh air could clear my head.

Here's a revolutionary idea: Say you don't feel well, and ask to go to the nurse's office.

Bella Swan shook out her long, thick, mahogany hair in my direction. Was she insane? It was as if she were encouraging the monster! Taunting him.

He really does think the world revolves around him and his hormones… I mean, his vampiric urges.

I presume he expects Bella to clue in because he's a VAMPIRE and he's SCARY and MEAN and everybody shies away from the big mean vampires instinctively. But given that nobody at all is scared of him in that room, I can only assume that Edward spends every day preening and thinking, "I'm so dangerous! They all avoid me! Woooooo, they feel how lethal I am!", while everyone actually is avoiding him because… he's a weirdo.

Oh, and as people who've read Twilight know, Bella is currently undertaking the uber-sexy activities of hiding in her hair and sniffing her pits. Sexy.

Sniff sniff... "I wonder if I smell like decaying corpse"

But I didn’t have to breathe.

  1. Duh. He's the undead.
  2. Why is he breathing at all?
  3. And if Bella's smell is the problem, WHY IS HE BREATHING?
  4. This is a total NON-PROBLEM.

So he decides to hold his breath for an hour, since apparently getting up and leaving the room is a foreign idea to him.

Uncomfortable, but manageable. More bearable than smelling her and not sinking my teeth through that fine, thin, see-through skin to the hot, wet, pulsing—

VAGINA! Oh wait, the sexual stuff in this series is supposed to be represented by bloodsucking.

So anyway, Bella is still hiding in her hair and Edward of course is sitting there thinking about whether she's hiding her eyes from him (it's all about EDWARD!) and trying to convince himself that he hates her so that he won't think about how awe-inspiringly perfect she is.

Tangent: As we all know, Smeyers fancies this a vampiric retelling of Pride and Prejudice, so I suppose Edward's "hate" and resentment of Bella is supposed to be equated to Darcy's initial prideful sparring with Elizabeth. The difference is, Darcy's was an intellectual and verbal sparring match with her, and the rift between them was based on a personal flaw he needed to overcome. Apparently Smeyer thinks that he was actually trying hard not to rape Lizzie through the entire book. Fuck you, Smeyer.

PRIDE AND PREJUDICE, Jennifer Ehle, Colin Firth, 1995

So then Eddie starts scheming to whisk Bella off into the woods and fuck her… er, chug her blood as soon as the class is over. Aw, dangit, she's so speshul and awesome that other people would be noticing, like poor Mike. So instead he schemes to follow her home and chug her blood when she's in her nice empty quiet house.

I made it through the hour in this way—imagining the best ways to kill her.

Isn't he just the PERFECT guy? I mean, don't you wish you had your own PERFECT sociopathic serial killer? Don't you wish your soulmate spent time fantasizing about how he could kill you?

... well, clearly you're not speshul enough for Smeyer's brand of romance, you stupid plebs! Also, you suck!

Once, toward the very end, she peeked up at me through the fluid wall of her hair.

Hair is not fluid. It's not supposed to be, anyway, and I recommend medical attention for anyone who DOES have a fluid coming out of their scalp.

Anyway, class finally ends and Eddie goes scuttling out.

If anyone had been looking at me, they might have suspected that there was something not right about the way I moved. No one was paying attention to me. All human thoughts still swirled around the girl who was condemned to die in little more than an hour’s time.

More evidence that Edward isn't the Big Bad Scary Predator That All People Fear, and is just probably avoided because he's a snotty weirdo. Even when he's drooling and sharpening his nonexistent fangs on the table, everybody ignores him because the Queen of Emo Phoenix is in da house!

So he goes and sits in his car, hiding and sulking and whining.

If I were to give in to the monster, I might as well make it worth the defeat.

Sort of like the people in murder mysteries who figure, "Hey, I'm gonna be killing X, so I might as well kill everybody else I don't like." That makes them SO much more admirable. They're such wonderful people, aren't they? So moral!

And after huffing the rainy air and listening to a CD, Edward decides that hey, maybe he won't stalk and murder random girls in his biology class after all. Oh, goody. Because I care so much.

I didn’t have to disappoint my father. I didn’t have to cause my mother stress, worry...pain.

Murder: It will stress out your mother and make her worry. And THAT is why it's a bad thing.

And Esme was so gentle, so tender and soft.

Great, first we have the question of why Carlisle got an effeminate teenage boy as his companion, and now Eddie's making creepily suggestive comments about his adoptive mom. Add to that the gay wrestling, and you've got kind of a freaky family.

So he sits there wangsting over and over, thinking about Alice hasn't shown up to stop him, possibly because her "gift" is totally useless...

... and how he's so ashamed and wants to keep his slavering bloodlust a secret. So after sitting in his car for the rest of the day, he goes over to the office, thinking about how much he TOTALLY does not wanna run into Bella… which guarantees he will. Damn predictability!

So he wanders into the office and encounters a horny middle-aged secretary who basically wants to ravish his sparkly bod on he office floor. They chatter for awhile about Eddie switching classes or dropping biology, and the lady really seems like a nice person despite Edward's snotty disdain for her. You know, like everyone else he hates.

And then BA-BOOM The Super Scent arrives. Edward gets all bloodthirsty again, and stomps out to the family car, where everybody else is.

“What the hell happened to you?” Emmett demanded, distracted, for the moment, from the fact that Jasper was not in the mood for his rematch.

"I can't tonight, Emmett… I have a headache… I'm not in the mood…."
"Shut up! I am going to wrestle you until you scream all night! I am going to ream that ass until you can't even walk! You'll be yelling my name when I get my hands on you!"

Eddie goes zooming out of the parking lot, apparently convinced that Bawla Wan will follow him and hide in his trunk unless he hurries. Alice figures out that either he's getting the hell out of Forks or he's gonna chug Bawla's blood, and she even sees a fun vision of Eddie stalking Bawla in her bland little kitchen.

“You will do the right thing,” she murmured. Not a vision this time—an order. “She’s Charlie Swan’s only family. It would kill him, too.”

Why is she saying this? It's pretty obvious that Eddie doesn't give a flying sparkly crap about any human being, and he seems to hate pretty much all of them. Alice may care about Charlie's psychological well-being, but who would expect Eddie to? Nobody.

And why does Alice care? She doesn't know him yet.

So he drops off his siblings in the woods and goes zooming off, while Emmett and Jasper are probably sneaking off to do more wrestling. I bet they wrestle naked and covered in oil too.

As I sped back to Forks doing ninety, I wasn’t sure where I was going.

Having actually lived in a rural area with lots of backroads, I can tell you that it is not physically possible to go even HALF that without risking a major accident. I don't care how awesome his vampiric reflexes are, the laws of physics and car simply cannot keep up with you.

To say goodbye to my father? Or to embrace the monster inside me? The road flew away beneath my tires.

The Dramahz! He haz dem! Seriously, enough with the whining about his inner monster, especially since we all know what will happen with Smeyers' dream guy.

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