Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs.
So they were holding their own hands? Um... how many hands are involved in this equation?
I was wearing red Satanist rings on my fingers, and my nails were painted in red nail polish (see, does that sound like a Mary Sue to you?).
In a word, yes. In two words, HELL YEAH.
In several words: yes, that does sound something a Mary Sue would have, if the author's goal is to glorify in every way a mallgoff. Nail color and finger jewelry do not determine whether you are a Mary Sue.
But I will give Tara Gillesbie some credit, because the following scene DOES have a very UnSuelike twist. AN EPIC TWIST.
I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco.
I just LOVE how she assumes that Vampire must be jealous over a girl he met TWO MINUTES AGO. Yes, because Enoby has been so charming a protagonist, I can see why every boy would want her.
It's also the windup for a truly hilarious joke. I assume it's a joke... because the alternative is that Tara is being serious here, and that is too depressing to contemplate.
Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door and we then started kissing passively.
Ah, well do I understand kissing passively. I've watched all the Twilight movies, and you couldn't expect Bella to kiss any other way.
We took off each other's clothes enthusiastically.
Well, it's nice to hear that being cockblocked by Dumbledore hasn't dampened their enthusiasm.
He warmed me up before I took of my top.
.... how? Did he start a fire in her bra?
Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked.
- Just the thought of a leather bra makes my chest sweat.
- Yes, this obviously exists, but I doubt they're meant to be worn except in recreational surroundings.
- Also, doesn't Draco live in a dormitory? Um.... if I recall correctly... checks copy of the first Harry Potter book...yep, Hogwarts dorms have multiple beds in the same room.
Example: At the top of a spiral staircase — they were obviously in one of the towers — they found their beds at last: five four-posters hung with deep red, velvet curtains.
- Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, JK Rowling, pg. 130
And honestly, I don't see why Slytherin would have individual rooms while Gryffindor students have to share with four other people. Which means that up to four people could waltz in while Draco and Enoby are putting his thingy into her you-know-what. Hell, they could be there NOW, assuming that all four Houses have curtains on the beds.
"Oh Ebony!"
"Oh Draco! Fuck me hard! Fuck me harder! HARDER! Fuckfuckfuck I love saying that word-"
"Uh, guys, you know I'm right over here."
"Goyle?! What the hell are you doing here?"
"I was taking a nap between classes."
"FUCK ME, DRACO!"
"I can't! Goyle killed my boner!"
"Sorry, dude."
"I'M GOING TO SLIT MY WRISTS AND DIE!"
Then he put his penis in mine and we had sex(see, is that stupid?).
- ... okay, so apparently Ebony is a pre-op M-to-F, since she has a penis.
- And I guess her ladyboner in the previous chapter... was a real boner.
- I'm also pretty sure that "sex" doesn't involve putting one penis into another... because that sounds kind of physically impossible.
- And don't tell me if it IS possible, because I don't wanna know.
- And to step outside snark for a second, that "see, is that stupid?" is one of the things that initially made me think this MIGHT be a parody, because YES, IT IS VERY STUPID.
- But after looking at that versus the previous sex scene, I think that Tara was reacting to people saying the PREVIOUS scene was stupid. Gone is the little-kiddish "thingy" and "you-know-what," in favor of "penis." Gone is "we did it," in favor of "we had sex."
- So I think that people said her ridiculously childish sex scene was stupid, so now she's producing a more... clinical one. But no less funny.
"Oh Draco! Oh Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm.
Thank you for assuring us that Enoby is having an orgasm. Otherwise, I might have assumed that she was faking it, or that she just lay there letting Draco get his rocks off with no reaction.
But EPIC PLOT TWIST! Despite supposedly being in the middle of only her second orgasm ever, Ebony somehow focuses all her attention on Draco's arm, where she notices a tattoo. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire Potter!
See, kids, this is why you shouldn't get tattoos with names on them for high school romances. Or any romances, actually. It's the kiss of death.
I was so angry.
I actually said "fuck," I was so mad!
So Ebony jumps out of bed in mid-orgasm, and Draco pleads with her not to go.
"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.
... what, that Draco had a romantic relationship with Vampire at some point, presumably before he started a relationship with Ebony 24 HOURS AGO?! Tattoos take awhile to heal, you know.
"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"
Then you probably do too, idiot. You just had unprotected sex with him. Twice.
So Ebony puts on her clothes huffily and leaves the room, and somehow during the time it takes for her to put on all her goff regalia Draco doesn't manage to put on his pants. Yes, he runs naked through Hogwarts after Enoby. For serious. He does this.
He had a really penis, but I was too mad to care.
A really WHAT penis? Big? Thick? Teeny? Frilly? Bedazzled? Tattooed? Turnip-shaped? WHAT?
I stomped out and stormed into Vampire's classroom, where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape, along with some other people.
...
I'm sorry, but I just imagined Ebony bursting into a class presided over by Snape - you know Snape, that sour bitter dude - and shrieking "motherfucker" while a stark naked Draco comes crying and mewling behind her. I'm not sure exactly what Snape would do, but I suspect "detention for the rest of your miserable lives" would be only the beginning.
And now it's time for the epic climax (hee hee, epic climax) of this scene!
"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.
Priceless.
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