Sunday, August 9, 2015

My Immortal Chapter 4

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK!

... see, this is one of the reasons I thought that this might be a parody. How do you manage to constantly misspell your character's NAME.

DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent!

Yes, falling in love not only changes your personality completely TO THE POINT WHERE YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE ANOTHER PERSON, but as we later see, it also changes your sexuality, attitude and relationships with others. That's how it works!

dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

... which kind of undermines her whole argument, since if they nu eechodder before, then the personality shift would have happened before Harry ever met him.

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

Ah, f-bombs. I missed thee.

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

Apparently without opening the doors or standing up. I didn't know you could do that in a Mercedes!

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.
"Ebony?" he asked.
"What?" I snapped.

"Do you happen to have a GPS? I'm sorta lost."

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts)

Are his eyes colored "gothic red," or are his eyes supposed to be gothic? Oh, pardonnez-moi.... goffic.

which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

Given that Draco wants to fuck, I'm not sure why evilness or depressing sorrow are in his eyes. When teen boys want sex, they tend to look... horny.

Also, why is he "sorrowful" when he's about to get laid?

And then... suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately.

And then just as you WHAT? Or is she saying that she kissed herself?

Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree.


Yes, because the best place to fuck is right up against a dirty, barky tree in the middle of a creepy dangerous forest filled with giant spiders, centaurs, unicorns, a savage Cerberus, werewolves, a sentient car, and something called a Bloodsucking Bugbear... any of which could easily wander in and see two pasty teenagers having awkward sex against a tree.

And here it is, folks! One of the worst written sex scenes in history! This makes Stephenie Meyer and LKH look like poets of written lovemaking! This is "Crank" levels of badness.

It's the prose equivalent of THIS scene!

Except that one has semi-decent artwork and hilariously bad pirate sex.

He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.



Wow... that was... epic.

Seriously, that had the erotic energy of a Justin Bieber song. It had the wordcraft of a drunken Sunday school teacher. It had the sexuality of people playing checkers. And while it might have been enough to get me to roll my eyes if it had just been awkward and poorly-written, but the use of "thingie" and "you know what" suddenly make it... BRILLIANTLY BAD.

I mean, you would need to use terrible word metaphors like "throbbing fish" to get that kind of incompetence, but she did it JUST WITH "thingie" AND "you know what!" BRILLIANT!

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm.

See? No romanticized descriptions of heat or rippling pleasure or whatever... she just flatly tells us that she was having an orgasm. No theatrics. I love how bad this scene is.

We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm.

Especially when she kissed his third toe and his left elbow, and he kissed her nostrils.

And as if that sex scene wasn't BRILLIANTLY cracky enough, now we encounter my FAVORITE character of the whole insane mess:

It was...Dumbledore!

Oh, Dumbledore. Your name will be misspelled many times in this fic, and you will act like a senile dipshit who does random stuff and speaks exactly like "Enoby." You will give this snarker much joy.

Also, why is Dumbledore in the forest? Is this a popular hookup site, so he wanders out there to bust teenage sexxors?

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