Yes! Goffs need no dental hygiene!
Everyone in the class stared at me
I wonder why.
and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.
Then everyone took a picture while Professor Snape took out his shotgun.
"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.
I guess it's possible to scream sadly... sort of.
We're then introduced to a NEW character: B'loody Mary Smith. Guess who this character is in the Potter universe! Go ahead! Guess! It will make your brain bleed.
My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly.
So... a small smile?
She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on.
- Ah, waste-length. So is that the length of a garbage dump?
- You know, there IS black hair that isn't gothic. Quite a few people in the world have it.
- So she was in class... with her eyes shut. You are not going to get good grades that way. Ah well, good grades are probably for preps anyway.
- So her eyes were like blood that have contact lenses on them. Got it.
She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on.
Hermione was kidnapped when she was born.
Yes, this is Hermione. You know, this girl.
Yes, doesn't she look just like the mallgoth type?
And no, it's never addressed who the hell kidnapped her or why. Instead, we're just told that her parents were actually vampires (can vampires even have children?), and one of them was a vampire WITCH. Oooooookay.
but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it.
- Why did Voldemort kill her mother?
- Why did he kill her mother and not her father?
- I know that suicide after the death of a loved one is not unheard of.... but given that Ebony slits her wrists right before a hot date, "depressed" has lost all logical meaning in this fic.
- And again, it's been awhile since I read the Potter books. However, I don't think Hermione was the sort of person who would change her clothing style, her name, her religion and her PERSONALITY because she found out she was adopted. Especially since she LOVED HER PARENTS.
She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed.
... um, she would have been a tiny baby at the time, since she is the same age as Harry and HE was a baby when Voldemort killed his parents.
Also, I thought she was kidnapped. How could she be haunted and depressed about something she wasn't there for?
It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger.
Because "Hermione Granger" is just TOO ordinary a name. She needs a super-unique weird one like "Mary Smith!" (Apologies to all Mary Smiths out there, but you know "Hermione Granger" is a pretty unusual name, right?)
(Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )
- ... um... I realize I'm harping about canon in a story that gleefully drags canon out to the woodshed by the hair, then rapes it to death... but huh?
- I don't think you're allowed to switch houses once the Sorting Hat sorts you. At least, I can't remember any references to it.
- And thank you, Tara, for perpetuating the harmful and untrue stereotype that all goths are Satanists, when in fact most are NOT.
"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.
Nice line, but it doesn't quite have the punch of
"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him.
- Again, Draco has been going out with you for 24 hours. And during that brief time, you think he not only sneaked off to fuck Vampire, but also managed to get a tattoo proclaiming his love for him.
- Did Ebony just think that Draco was a virgin, and this tantrum is because she found out he wasn't? Did she expect that he had never dated ANYONE except her?!
- Also, Vampire could not cheat on you, because he's not going out with you. DRACO could cheat on you, but not Vampire. This is a simple concept.
And then they tweeted it.
I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me.
.... what? Ebony is mad at HERSELF?
skims rest of chapter
Okay, as far as I can tell... this fanfic just randomly switched perspectives with no hint about what. Suddenly we're no longer hearing from Ebony, but from Draco. Who is still standing in the classroom stark naked, but apparently is unconcerned with that because he's busy begging Ebony not to leave him.
I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony)
Well, it comes as no shock that Draco is bi, since he had sex with Ebony and had a love tattoo for another man. But WHERE THE HELL did this whole "Ebony is bi" thing come from? We've seen no evidence of this! Or is this one of those odd stories where heterosexuals and gays are considered freaks of nature even if most if not all of the characters act like one or the other?
for a while but then he broke my heart.
That doesn't seem to be hard to do.
He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker.
Yes, there are so many kids at Hogwarts with the name "Britney."
And what is Tara Gillesbie's definition of "preppy" or "prep"? Usually it's used to mean a sort of wealthy, upper-class person and the way they sound, act and dress. You know, preppy as in "prep school." To Tara... it simply seems to mean anyone who isn't a "goff."
We were just good friends now.
You know, as ridiculous as the whole idea of Harry and Draco having a romance is, this is probably the most canon-rapey part of the story so far.
He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic.
Yes, if you suffer any kind of personal loss or trauma, you turn into a cliche mallgoth obsessed with black, blood, pentagrams and all the rest of that crap.
(Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)
... which is funny when you consider the canonical Draco Malfoy. VERY FUNNY.
Seriously, the only way this dude could be more preppy is if he wore an argyle sweater and talked about his beach house in the Hamptons.
And without warning, we switch right back to Ebony's perspective. Either that, or Draco just went dramatically insane.
"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.
"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed.
Yes, clearly he's lying. He could ONLY have hooked up with Draco within the last 24 hours, and definitely not during the SEVERAL YEARS they attended the same school (since they're supposed to be 17 here).
I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.
Well, sweetie, try taking some Viagra if Draco somehow took your virility. Then maybe you won't bust into tears.