Sunday, August 9, 2015

My Immortal Chapter 2

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!

I can assure you, this is something you'll be hearing a LOT of. Like, every single chapter.

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again.

... it was snowing and raining in her bedroom?

I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had.

  1. It's called a lid, not a door.
  2. Blood tends to get very nasty if not kept under strictly controlled conditions... and "bottle" is not one of them.

My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends.

Of course. What other colors would it be? Also, black lace on the ends of what?

And now it's time for MORE BAD CLOTHING DESCRIPTIONS: I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCRt-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

So in other words, she's dressed and styled like any other pretentious poser who wants to be seen as edgy and dark, but is actually just annoyingly generic. Bored now.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)

Oh joy. So there's more than one insert.

woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes.

... so she smiled at her friend and flipped her hair... with her eyes still shut. THE HELL?

She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots.

So she was sleeping naked, or did she just put her Generic Faux-Goth clothes on OVER her nightwear?

“OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!” she said excitedly.
“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.
“Do you like Draco?” she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.
“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted.

  1. Who says "OMFG"? Was she supposed to be saying the words, or did she literally recite a bunch of letters?
  2. So... she sees Ebony talking to a guy, and she just immediately assumes that Ebony has a thing for him. Uh.... that must get awkward when she talks to Filch.
  3. Yes, the "goffs" are Slytherins. Go figure.
  4. Sorry, but I haven't seen Slytherins the same way since Harry Dresden encountered a bunch of wannabes in "Harry's Day Off."
  5. And nothing says "blushing and bashful" like screaming the F-word at your roomie.

So just then, Draco comes wandering up, and Willow... just sort of fades out of the scene.

“Hi.” he said.
“Hi.” I replied flirtily.

Your attempts to convince us that you don't like him SUCK.

Also, you're supposed to have commas there, not periods.

“Guess what.” he said.
“What?” I asked.

"I have genital herpes. Wanna see?"

“Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade.” he told me.

... well, that was random.

Um, I'm pretty sure that the vast majority of Muggles aren't supposed to know about the existence of the wizards, let alone get to TOUR their towns. I mean, the only Muggles we see who are allowed to have knowledge about the wizard world are the close relatives of wizards. And of all the Muggles in the world, why would they invite a pop-punk band that nobody listens to anymore?

Or... is Tara trying to imply that Good Charlotte are wizards? Because if I identified ANY band as having supernatural powers, it would be the Rolling Stones. There HAS to be a reason that Keith Richards is still alive.

I'd also like to mention that Good Charlotte was not a goth band. They were pop-punk. What, is Nightwish not mainstream enough for her? Hey, here's an idea: why don't you feature Evanescence? You know, the band who made the song that the FRIGGIN' FANFIC IS NAMED AFTER.

“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. “Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.
I gasped.

Gasp! Teh Shokz!

I mean, a boy who obviously likes you comes over and mentions that a band you both love is performing nearby! Who would EVER have expected him to ask you out?!

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