So anyway, Eddie has decided to go hunting for... whatever they eat. I don't know if Smeyers has bothered to tell us in this book, but I certainly don't remember her mentioning what self-important emo vampires eat. I guess there's the assumption that you'll know this detail if you've read the previous books. Bad idea. While it's annoying when authors recount EVERY SINGLE LITTLE DETAIL in their books, this is a pretty major one.
And Carlisle decides to come along for some time alone in the woods.... interpret that however you want.
As we ran through the black forest, I heard him thinking about that hasty goodbye last week.
You know, if I had a family member who could literally hear every single thought I had, I would probably not intentionally think about anything much. For that matter, you'd expect that Edward would hear, "Man, Edward is such an asshole" multiple times per day.
So then we get a contrived flashback via Carlisle's memories, where Eddie is Super Emo and Carlisle is (of course) very worried about him. For some reason, Eddie gets all weird in the flashback and flinches away from Carlisle touching his shoulder, which makes Carlisle sad. This is not lessening the gay vibes between these two.
”Have you ever...has there ever been a time...” I watched myself take a deep breath, saw the wild light in my eyes through the filter of his deep concern.
Eddie, it's called getting an erection. It's perfectly normal, and it's not worth going crazy over, okay? So quit with the wangst and just have a facts-of-life talk with somebody.
“Has any one person ever smelled better to you than the rest of them? Much better?”
"Because freesias make me so HUNGRY!"
He’d reached out to touch me, ignoring it when I’d recoiled again, and left his hand on my shoulder.
I'm finding myself wondering if slashfics are spawned by scenes like this. I mean, why is Edward getting all creeped out by a seemingly innocent hand on the shoulder?
in every one of their scenes.
So Carlisle tells him to resist the dark side of the Force, and lets Eddie take his car because it's faster. End flashback, and enter random moments of Emo: He was wondering now if he’d done the right thing then, sending me away. Wondering if he hadn’t hurt me with his lack of trust. Uh, what lack of trust? Does it show a lack of trust to tell a recovering alcoholic to leave a bar to avoid temptation?
So Edward starts mumbling about how he needed to be kicked all the way to Alaska, and how he'd have "betrayed that trust" otherwise. Interestingly Carlisle doesn't think it's creepy or abnormal for Eddie to be talking to the voices in his head, since unlike Eddie he cannot read minds and it's kinda weird to be reading other people's minds and replying to what they're thinking. Assholish too.
So Carlisle tells him that Eddie should do whatever he can to keep the "Swan child" (let's further diminish the female sex, shall we?) alive, aka to avoid eating her, and that maybe he should even leave again for the abode of SLUTTY SLUT SLUT OF THE ARCTIC. Of course, this still doesn't explain why Eddie is the ONLY person driven to a diet-smashing frenzy of bloodsuckery by Bawla, and his incesty siblings somehow haven't noticed her delicious flowery smell. (Sounds like edible potpourri)
Then he asks why Eddie came back, and Eddie's lame-ass reason? “I didn’t like feeling a coward,” I admitted. Yeah, make it all about your ego, you sparkling prick. I swear, Smeyers has a talent for making the most sociopathic characters ever - they never do anything because they feel it's right or moral, so it's all about their bloated festering egos.
So then Carlisle slows down and basically tells him that it's better to feel like a coward than to endanger somebody who'll be gone shortly, which makes Eddie all wangsty FOR HE WUVS HER SOOOOOOO. Then we're treated to the most awkward discussion yet:
But you’re not going to run, are you?
I hung my head.
Is it pride, Edward? There’s no shame in—
“No, it isn’t pride that keeps me here. Not now.”
Nowhere to go?
I laughed shortly. “No. That wouldn’t stop me, if I could make myself leave.”
- It's really weird how people who can't read minds keep "thinking" their thoughts at Eddie instead of talking out loud. You know, like they would do NATURALLY. Thinking "words" does not come naturally to ANYBODY.
- Yes, it IS pride that keeps him there. He said he came back because he didn't like feeling like a coward. That's pride.
- Maybe I'm expecting too much of Smeyers, but I would sort of expect a 100+-year-old vampire to sound and act a LITTLE less like a teenage boy, and more like a mature adult. Eddie is acting like a kid who got caught kissing a
boygirl behind the school, not a bloodsucking vampire. Why can't he and Carlisle talk like equals, since their chronological age should make them a lot closer in experience?
- Ooooooh, he can't make himself leave because HE WUVS HER SOOOO SQUEEEEEEEE THIS IS TROO LUV! I'm gonna find a hawt sexy stalker for myself, because that is LUV!
Carlisle tells his creepy douchebag pseudo-son that they'll all pull up stakes and move away if he wants, and since he's moved for the rest of them, obviously none of them would have a problem with moving for him. Except Rosalie, but she's blonde and pretty, so she obviously is a selfish bitch. Although honestly, given how insanely stupidly rich they are, I don't know why it matters so much about having to move. It's not like they have to find someone to buy the old place before they buy a new one.
"Anyway, it’s much better for us to leave now, no damage done, than for us to leave later, after a life has been ended.”
... and Carlisle has to actually TELL him this? "Well, it's better for us to go now than wait for you to murder someone." Nice passive voice there, Carlisle.
But despite this little Life Lesson about how it's better to move before you kill one of your classmates, Eddie has decided not to leave.
“What holds you here, Edward? I’m failing to see...”
“I don’t know if I can explain.”
"So I'm not even gonna try. In fact, I'm not even gonna try to explain this to the readers despite this being a first-person narrative. So if you're a reader and want to know what's keeping me here then HAHAHAHAHA BLEEEAAAAHHHH SUCKS TO BE YOU!"
So in the interest of "privacy," Carlisle decides that hey, he'll just butt out and not bother with the whole people-are-going-to-die thing. Hey, it's not like murder MATTERS or anything.
“Thank you. It’s generous of you, seeing as how I give privacy to no one.” With one exception. And I was doing what I could to deprive her of that, wasn’t I?
Haha! So funny. Except... not. It's creepy. And psychotic.
We all have our quirks.
Many words come to mind when I contemplate these characters. "Quirky" is not one of them. Ever.
He laughed again. Shall we?
"Now that we've discussed how you're probably going to kill somebody, let's go have a fun run!"
But Edward is emo, for he doesn't want any blood but Bawla's! Apparently deer blood just doesn't smell good to him compared to Bawla's flowery scent. Yeah, because when there's a chocolate cake around, you couldn't possibly choke down a bowl of creamy vanilla ice cream. Yeah. That's the way delicious things work. If you know about them, anything else makes you sick. Yeah. Sure.
And since Smeyers has the sensibilities of a thirteen-year-old girl with a unicorn fetish, we don't actually hear anything about killing the deer and drinking their blood. We just fade out after that boring and ultimately pointless conversation. Because vampires are HAWT and AWESOME and WAY BETTER THAN HUMANS CUZ THEY SPARKLE, but the actual blood-drinking that defines a vampire is GROSS AND ICKY and must be glossed over. Ewww.
Also, a thought. In this book, bloodlust = sexual desire, so does that mean that eating deer blood is bestiality? This is one of those things that Smeyer doesn't want you to think about.
Anyway, everything is covered in ice when they go home, still smeared with the life fluids of God's innocent creatures. Carlisle goes to the hospital and Eddie.... sits around staring at the sunrise. And of course, he's still lusting after Bella's virginal throat.
Cool and motionless as the stone I sat on,
... because Stephenie Meyers has a massive statue fetish.
She can't help making out with this poor guy.
And it turns out that he's sitting there.... being emo. Again. Damn, this is repetitive, so I'll sum it up, "I know I should leave, but I don't wanna. I know I should leave, but I don't wanna. I know I should leave, but I don't wanna. I know I should leave, but I don't wanna. I know I should leave, but I don't wanna. I know I should leave, but I don't wanna. I know I should leave, but I don't wanna. I know I should leave, but I don't wanna. I know I should leave, but I don't wanna."
There. That's pretty much everything he says.
Then he wangsts about how Bawla will go do other stuff like go to college and get a job and.... OH NO SHE MIGHT GET MARRIED AIEEEEEEEE. Then he wangsts because he might envy her because she'll get to do stuff like age and work herself to a frazzle and eventually die after years of illness and decrepitude.
"I know I should leave, but I don't wanna. I know I should leave, but I don't wanna. I know I should leave, but I don't wanna. I know I should leave, but I don't wanna. I know I should leave, but I don't wanna. I know I should leave, but I don't wanna. I know I should leave, but I don't wanna. I know I should leave, but I don't wanna."
Then he decides that he'll stick around for one day, so he can inhale Bawla's roast-beef fragrance and be emo. Then he'll leave... OH PLEASE leave and never come back. I'm so sick of this shitty book already, and I'm only on chapter 3!
And then OH NO he's still being pompous and contemplative. How much of this reluctance came from my obsessive curiosity, and how much came from my unsatisfied appetite? Here's a better question: does anybody actually care?
Then he goes back inside and talks to Alice, since she's Quirky and can See The Future Assuming That People Don't Do Other Stuff Thus Changing The Future. They have a dull telepathic/verbal conversation which doesn't really accomplish anything, and Eddie sees one of Alice's visions, which is of Eddie sitting in a meadow with somebody else. That was... pointless.
Me either. Your future is shifting around so much I can’t keep up with any of it. I think, though...
... so what's the point of knowing the future if everything is so chaotic that you can't possibly tell what will ACTUALLY happen?! What is this, Run Edward Run?
She stopped, and she flipped through a vast collection of other recent visions for me.
She keeps them in a file next to her soup recipes.
“I think something is changing, though,” she said out loud. “Your life seems to be at a crossroads.”
I laughed grimly. “You do realize that you sound like a bogus gypsy at a carnival now, right?”
"Let's see... Edward, you will meet a tall dark handsome werewolf, and in a thousand slash fanfics you will have hot steamy... uh... wait..."
Oh, and considering that Smeyer tries to convince us that Edward talks in old-timey romantic language... having him use dated 90s slang just highlights that it ain't so.
Then she gives him the comforting news that, “I don’t see you killing anyone today." Well, thanks for the good news. But Alice is sad because Eddie is leaving, and honestly I don't care very much. I especially don't care because these are VAMPIRES who are going to live forever, so spending a few years in different locations doesn't exactly make me writhe with sympathetic pain. Also, for a "family" that is immortal, they're creepily close to each other.
And Edward is bitter because Rosalie and Emmett are making out.... er, I mean, staring into each other's eyes. After all, this is a MORMON personal sexual fantasy. Edward is bitter because he's the only one not having the wild furniture-smashing vampire sex that all the others get to have (and Stephenie Meyers secretly wants). And since all vampires wait for their Wun Troo Luv (OBVIOUSLY!), he can't just go out and have furniture-smashing sex with a hooker, then drink her blood.
Strangely enough, Smeyers doesn't seem to realize that an immortal non-religious horndog who can't get genital warts is probably going to go have sex with as many girls as he can. And if he isn't, there should be a reason why NOT.
Maybe they would all be happier without me hanging around, ill-tempered and belligerent as the old man I should be by now.
Yes, I'm betting that they would. Then they can make out with their stony lips without the cloud of gloom in the backseat. Wait, what kind of makeouts can you have if your body is marble-like? Wouldn't it be all, "Oh Rosalie!" "Oh Emmett!" clunk clunk clunk grate scrape clunk clunk?
So since Eddie has sex on his mind, he immediately starts obsessing about Bawla. It was embarrassing how my world suddenly seemed to be empty of everything but her—my whole existence centered around the girl, rather than around myself anymore. It sucks how suddenly I'm obsessed with a Sue rather than my own prissy egotistical self!
Also, I desperately hope that Smeyers is never widowed or divorced, because apparently in her little world "true luv" = total mutual codependence. Then again, I doubt she thinks she loves her husband this much, or she wouldn't need an effeminate teenage dream man for all her sexual frustration.
It was easy enough to understand, though, really; after eighty years of the same thing every day and every night, any change became a point of absorption.
"Look! Melanie has a BLUE jacket instead of a RED one! Look! That tree is a whole three centimeters taller than it was LAST YEAR! Wow, they installed one of those newfangled color TVs! Hey, those kids have apparently been repeating the same grade for eighty years and not one of them has aged!
But Edward can tell that Bella is coming, because of the thunderous chugging of her truck’s engine in the distance. Yeah, she might wanna have that engine looked at, because even giant pickups and SUVs don't make much noise. And Edward's pseudo-siblings all leave for class because it's time for class... wait, it's actually because they were bored with my fixation—it was incomprehensible to them how any human could hold my interest for so long, no matter how delicious she smelled. Especially if that human is Bawla Wan.
Also, does this mean that Edward is going around wangsting out loud about Bawla
Then Bawla arrives, and Edward is perturbed by the fact that she looks anxious and is driving carefully. Then he realizes that HAHAHAHA everybody is worried today, because it's FUCKING ICY. Apparently vampire awesomeness means you can drive at ninety MPH and not end up sliding over a cliff. Yeah. Physics is Edward's bitch. And Smeyer's.
But since he's looking at Bawla, he decides that driving cautiously is SIGNIFICANT. Apparently because she doesn't want to skid into a tree and die, this means that she was a serious person, a responsible person. Reminds me of Gloria Tesch's infamous line about an old lady announcing that a newborn baby is "a very serious child!" In other words, it's shitty writing.
And then Edward starts acting like a thirteen-year-old girl, going all "Ooooooh, I wonder what she'll do when she notices that I'm gawping at her! Will she blush? Will she look at me too? Does she like me? Does she hate me?" Yes, it's every bit as boring as you can imagine. Then he gets upset because she pays more attention to not breaking her neck on the ice than to him. Dick.
As if he weren't dickish enough, he then sits there snickering at how hard it is for her - you know, the girl from FRICKING ARIZONA - to not fall on the ice. She actually looked in some danger of falling, the way her feet were sliding around. No one else was having trouble—had she parked in the worst of the ice? No, dickhead. She's just supposed to be endearingly clumsy and helpless, like a female character written by a sexist author should. And I want Harry Dresden to show up with a diamond saw and shove it up your ass so we don't have to hear from YOU anymore.
She paused there, staring down with a strange expression on her face. It was...tender? As if something about the tire was making her...emotional?
"Oh snow tire, you're the only one who understands me! We shall always be together... until, y'know, you wear out and I have to buy a replacement. But you will ALWAYS have my heart, oh magic snow tire!"
Again, the curiosity ached like a thirst. It was as if I had to know what she was thinking—as if nothing else mattered.
That is because you're an asshole with no respect for other people's privacy, and you get obsessed when you're thwarted. ASSHOLE.
So he thinks about going to offer her a hand (meaning a marble penis), but Alice is horrified by the possibility of unmarried sex, so she tells him not to go any closer to Bawla. I scanned her thoughts, guessing at first that I had made a poor choice and she saw me doing something inexcusable. Like, she saw me wearing last season's shoes or the same shirt I wore yesterday! Quelle horreur!
But no, she's actually gasping dramatically because Tyler's ginormous fast-moving car is zooming out of control. I don't know why they're surprised, since it's been established that only a total wussypussy drives at a slow speed on an icy road. It's also pretty funny to have SparkleBoy sneering that Tyler had chosen to take the turn into the parking lot at an injudicious speed. Yeah, sez the guy who zooms around crowded urban streets at a hundred mph.
The vision came just half a second before the reality.
Yeah, those visions are SO useful. "Hey, don't open that.... whoops, too late. Don't step on... uh, never mind. Don't pick up... um, forget it." Why couldn't she have had this vision earlier and just delayed Bawla for thirty seconds so the car would bang harmlessly into a tree? Oh yeah, PLOT CONVENIENCE.
No, this vision had nothing to do with me, and yet it had everything to do with me,
No actually it has NOTHING to do with you. Just because you're sexually obsessed with the girl doesn't make it your business.
because Tyler’s van—the tires right now hitting the ice at the worst possible angle—was going to spin across the lot and crush the girl who had become the uninvited focal point of my world.
Lemme get this straight - the car is going to zoom ALL THE WAY across the crowded parking lot just to hit Bella? I love this van! I want to throw this van a party! Could it possibly zoom the other way and hit Edward too? Please? Is that too much to ask?
Even without Alice’s foresight it would have been simple enough to read the trajectory of the vehicle, flying out of Tyler’s control.
Ya know, it's pretty obvious that Smeyers has never seen a car skidding out of control. Usually when a car is skidding out of control on the ice, you would not sit there calmly analyzing trajectories and people's expressions. You would be going HOLYSHITGETOUTTATHEWAY!
The girl, standing in the exactly wrong place at the back of her truck, looked up, bewildered by the sound of the screeching tires.
"Hmmmm, I wonder what that increasingly loud noise that sounds like screaming brakes is. And I wonder why it's coming closer."
She looked straight into my horror-struck eyes, and then turned to watch her approaching death.
She seems awfully calm about this. Also, how long does it take for a car to skid out of control? I mean, she has enough time to turn around, see the van, look a guy across the parking lot in the eyes, and then turn around again? When done consciously, that could take (in car skid time) quite some time.
Also, is there a reason she's not getting out of the way or even trying? Aside from plot convenience?
"Bella, look out! A car is skidding out of control and it's going to hit you!"
"Quick, run for your life! It's going to crush you!"
"No, I don't feel like it."
"... why the hell not?"
"Because I'm a passive and helpless character. If I actually moved out of the path of a runaway car, that would be too active for me."
"You're shitting me."
"No, I'm going to stand here passively until either it hits me, thus making me the center of attention, or the sparkly guy I'm stalking appears to save me."
So Edward goes nuts and goes running across the parking lot and jumps BETWEEN BELLA AND THE VAN. Which is apparently the slowest skidding van in the world, since otherwise it would already have squashed Bella into a pancake. And apparently nobody notices the sonic boom when the vampire goes shooting across the parking lot, just like nobody noticed the ice pellets that could shatter brick. Kids these days! They never pay attention!
Bella, being a passive and helpless character, is still staring at the damn van and not moving at all. So Edward grabs her and somehow doesn't end up breaking her spine... which would have been awesome in a soppy vampire romance... and which realistically should have happened because he's moving with too much urgency to be as gentle as she would need me to be. So exactly why doesn't she have internal damage if she NEEDS him to be gentler?
And to reinforce that women are fragile, helpless creatures who are nothing without men, Edward is vividly aware of her fragile, breakable body. Which would be fine, except he doesn't have this same attitude towards anyone except his unsparkly soulmate. He also whacks her head against the ice, but naturally there's no brain damage. We can't have Edward actually HARM her even by accident, just threaten her with her SEXSEE BAD-BOYNESS which never amounts to anything but pouting and being an asshole.
But of course the melodrama isn't over! Apparently the Van Of Doom is actually CHANGING DIRECTION so it can hit Bella. Yes. Apparently even though it hit her truck full force, it hasn't lost any momentum and is moving in defiance of the laws of physics BACK AT HER. Edward even says that it was coming for her again—like she was a magnet, pulling it toward us. What the hell is going on here?! I know Smeyers' Sue is the center of her narrow little universe, but this is just surreal. I mean, how the hell do you actually have this happen?
And no, the lameass "she attracts trouble!" is not an acceptable explanation for physically impossible perils like a car crash NOT causing a loss of momentum, or the car going in a totally random direction. What makes it even weirder is that Smeyers suggests that the van is ACTIVELY TRYING to kill Bella, like some bulkier, more heroic cousin of Christine!
A word I’d never said before in the presence of a lady slid between my clenched teeth.
Quick, some smelling salts and my fainting couch! Someone has said, "Darn!"
Anyway, Eddie starts self-flagellating because obviously he's risked revealing his Troo Nature to the world at large. But this doesn't stop him from keeping the Malevolent Murder Van from squishing Bella flat. And for the record, in case anyone thinks I am exaggerating about there being no loss of momentum, apparently it is going so fast that Edward's shoulders cause the car behind him to BUCKLE (Smeyers' own word!) and it rides up on two wheels! I could not make this shit up! My brain doesn't work along "Perils of Pauline" lines!
But wait! The Perils of Bella aren't over, because apparently Bawla is directly under the tires. Drop the van! Drop the van!
Oh, for the love of all that was holy, would the catastrophes never end? Was there anything else that could go wrong?
- Funny choice of un-swear-word, because despite the vampires being obvious religious symbols themselves (good ones are Mormons, evil ones are Catholics), nobody in this fricking universe apparently does have any religious beliefs. Weird.
- This is the first semi-normal thought Eddie has had in the whole book. This is the middle of Chapter 3. In a book with long chapters. Yeah.
- Eddie also has his first moment of actual selflessness here - he actually thinks about how he can't throw away the van because there's an innocent driver who is wetting himself with panic. Not because it would expose him, but because this poor guy's only sin is one that Eddie does hundreds of times per day.
- Again, middle of Chapter 3 in a long-chaptered book. First moment of unselfishness.
So Eddie shoves the van so it doesn't fall on Bawla, which breaks all the windows. No, I'm not sure why the driver doesn't notice his van suddenly going up, sideways and down again, but I'll give Smeyers some small credit and assume it's the concussion.
Now that that's over with, Eddie goes back to wangsting about how hard he whacked Bella's head against the pavement and whether anybody noticed the sparkly guy lifting the van in a crowded parking lot. Yeah, clearly nobody would notice THAT. But of course, his fears of exposure and death pale besides his concern for Bawla, aka Lunch. Oh noes! Did he hurt her? Oh noes! Did he dash out her brains?
Her eyes were open, staring in shock.
Apparently he did. Oh no, I feel so bad. What a tragedy.
But no, she's apparently just dazed, and Relief, so exquisite it was nearly pain, washed through me at the sound of her voice. So apparently Edward is a masochist, since intense positive feelings feel like pain.
And to further confirm that Smeyers is an alien writing what she THINKS human beings are like, Eddie takes a breath and did not mind the accompanying burn in my throat. I almost welcomed it. So... air burns? Does he have lighter fluid in his tonsils?
So since Bawla is incapable of taking care of herself, Eddie holds her down and warns her that she hit her head. Since Bella is a Pathetic Helpless Female, she doesn't realize this until Edward tells her so. Yay for feminism!
But oh no! She saw that he zoomed across the parking lot and saved her from the Van Of Death! Time to lie about it!
“I was standing right next to you, Bella.” I knew from experience that if I was very confident as I lied, it made any questioner less sure of the truth.
Silly Edward, don't you know that Sues and Stus magically know when they are being lied to?
I needed space from her warm-blooded heat so that it would not combine with her scent to overwhelm me.
It is official: the vampires are reptiles. With glittery scales. They're gay disco reptiles.
So Eddie gets away from her, while Bawla stares at him. For the record, she shows absolutely NO sign of a concussion even though a fricking VAMPIRE tackled her and whammed her head against the ICY PAVEMENT with no padding or way to break her fall. Her head should be strawberry jelly by now! Either that, or Edward vastly overestimates his strength and speed as well as his MENACING AURA OF MENACE.
So Edward plays dumb and stares at Bawla, which confuses her. Then again, I suspect that shiny wrappers confuse Bella. Meanwhile, it has taken ALL THIS TIME for people to meander over to rubberneck, which is one of the few semi-normal reactions you will find in this series.
There was a babble of shouting and a gush of shocked thought.
"Aw, crap, they're both still alive. Cancel the party, guys."
I scanned the thoughts once to make sure there were no suspicions yet, and then tuned it out and concentrated only on the girl.
... just in time to miss somebody saying, "Hey, maybe the security cameras caught that blur."
So Bella tries to get up, and Edward starts freaking out because he doesn't think she should be moving, and because my years of theoretical medical study were no match for his centuries of hands-on medical practice. Yeah, because unless you've actually dealt with hands-on medical stuff, you cannot possibly do it right or know what to do in a crisis. Smeyers, they teach BOY SCOUTS this kind of crap. It's not complicated or esoteric. Most of it is common sense.
Bella whines that it's cold, and Edward inexplicably thinks this is funny. I'm not sure why. I read Twilight, and Bella's whining is NEVER funny. Then Bella starts rambling that, "You were over there. You were by your car." Yes, because people who have smashed their heads against the pavement are usually so fixated on where their crush was standing five minutes ago. Edward denies it, and she doesn't let up.
“I saw you,” she insisted; her voice was childlike when she was being stubborn. Her chin jutted out.
Awwww, isn't it cute when the little womenfolk put their teeny little feets down? They even have pouties! How adorably babyish!
So they basically go, "But I saw you" "No you didn't" "I saw you" "No you didn't" "I saw you" "No you didn't" "I saw you" "No you didn't" "I saw you" "No you didn't" "I saw you" "No you didn't" for the next few minutes. So Bawla extracts a promise to tell her everything later, and Edward lies to her.
Shouldn’t it be easy to keep this silent, secretive girl quiet?
Nah, but it might be hard for her to find someone snotty and obnoxious enough that Bella would actually talk to them about anything other than school assignments.
And suddenly Edward starts wanking on about how he wants Bawla to TRUST him and EMO EMO EMO EMO EMO ALERT! oh woe it cannot be! A stupid desire. What sense would it make for her to trust me? It makes more sense than me reading this shithole of a book. It made me angry to have to lie to her again, when I so much wished that I could somehow deserve her trust. Since all it takes to earn Bella's trust is to be hot, sparkly and rich, it isn't exactly an unattainable prize.
So, when I answered her, it was a retort. “Fine.”
Hey Smeyers, according to Merriam-Webster a retort means:
- 2a : to make a reply to : to say in reply
- 3: to answer (as an argument) by a counter argument
- 1: to answer back usually sharply
In other words, this is on par with the infamous "Sorry," Brom apologized. Fucking Smeyer.
“Fine,” she echoed in the same tone.
Isn't it lovely having such mature intelligent characters? They're basically acting like a pair of bickering five-year-olds who have just been told to stop shoving each other.
So when the EMTs arrive, Edward starts checking and apparently NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON noticed him bouncing across the parking lot to where the RUNAWAY VAN OF DEATH was crashing. Yeah. That's likely. Obviously nobody would see the blur of motion heading toward it. That's how human perception works - when a car is skidding out of control for about ten minutes, nobody looks at it until AFTER it crashes.
This is even stupider when one considers that Edward is supposed to be so devastatingly attractive that all girls (and probably some boys) find him attractive even if they get the brush-off. He's also supposed to be so scary that they can't even SIT near him. Yet not a single person notices his presence in a crowded parking lot? He better hope there's never a murder where he's implicated, because apparently he wouldn't easily get an alibi. The twerp has no presence.
She was the only one who didn’t accept the easy explanation, but she would be considered the least reliable witness. She had been frightened, traumatized, not to mention sustaining the blow to the head. Possibly in shock. It would be acceptable for her story to be confused, wouldn’t it? No one would give it much credence above so many other spectators...
Uh, right. So why exactly are they worrying when they know that Bella's claims will be brushed off as the babblings of a concussion victim?
I winced when I caught the thoughts of Rosalie, Jasper and Emmett, just arriving on the scene. There would be hell to pay for this tonight.
"Dammit, now he's going to be whining about her even more than he was before!"
I wanted to iron out the indention my shoulders had made against the tan car
Because of course dents in cars are exact molds of whatever hit them. That's how it works. Also, fairies take away teeth and bunnies bring eggs.
Brett turned his attention to the girl, who shot me a fierce look of betrayal. Oh, that was right. She was the quiet martyr—she’d prefer to suffer in silence.
Sounds like even Eddie is getting as pissed at Bella as the readers are.
So Edward brushes off the EMT and says he'll have his dad examine him. Makes ya wonder what would happen if one of them WERE examined in a hospital, and how come it hasn't happened yet - so no vampire has EVER been caught and examined or x-rayed or whatever?
With most humans, speaking with cool assurance was all that was needed. Most humans, just not the girl, of course. Did she fit into any of the normal patterns?
Let's all reaffirm that Bella is the speshulest snowflake ever, hallelujah hallelujah!
Then he kicks the dent so it won't look like shoulders EVEN THOUGH IT SHOULDN'T ANYWAY, and Emmett plans to check on the car anyway.
Bella's dad shows up, and Eddie decides to read the poor man's mind: Though Bella’s father’s thoughts were past words, the panic and concern emanating out of the man’s mind drown out just about every other thought in the vicinity. Wordless anxiety and guilt, a great swell of them, washed out of him as he saw his only daughter on the gurney.
Which makes Bella seem like even more of a bitch for treating her father like an indentured servant who's too dumb to feed himself and too pathetic to be tolerated by someone as wonderful as herself. Once again, I feel sorry for Charlie.
Eddie can't really read Charlie's mind very well. I'm sure that this would inspire even more wangst in Bawla, since she is not as speshul and unique as she thought she was.
I’d always taken him for a man of slow thought—now I realized that I was the one who was slow.
That much we can agree on.
It was hard to tear myself away from this possible solution to the mystery that had come to obsess me.
... what possible solution? Genetics? All he found out is that having a SOOPER-QUIET-BRAIN is hereditary. That's not a solution, that's a FACTOR.
And does this mean Eddie's going to start stalking Charlie now? I smell a slashfic.
Since that might require Smeyers to actually apply logical thought to her plots, she immediately dumps it in favor of CRISIS WAAAAANGSSSSTT. Eddie starts freaking out about "oh noez, we might have to leave town... like I was planning to do anyway!", but of course his first concern is Bella's well-being.... rather than his family. Yaycakes.
So he goes to see his boyfriend for.. some reason.
He’d heard my approach, and he was alarmed as soon as he saw my face. He jumped to his feet, his face paling to bone white.
I thought they were already as pasty-white as you can get.
So Carlisle is freaking out because heaven forbid a vampire drink human blood. That would just be unheard-of! It would like being a non-vegetarian human! And since apparently all Edward's "siblings" have munched on a human or two, I'm not sure why Carlisle is so horrified at the idea that Edward might partake in some Swan juice. Except, of course, because she's Bella and therefore more important than mere mortals.
So Edward incoherently explains what happens, and of course Carlisle isn't even SLIGHTLY pissed that they might have to all move for the umpteenth time. Carlisle really is a wuss of a vampire, isn't he? I mean, what's the point of a vampire character who does absolutely nothing but fawn over Suey humans for no adequately explained reason? He's even a FUCKING DOCTOR.
For that matter, why do they even live in a town? The "kids" don't need the education, they're so absurdly wealthy they don't need the jobs, and obviously they don't live there for the social life it affords since they're too Suey to actually speak to anyone. Why don't they buy a vast expanse of land, build a house smack dab in the center and live there instead of inflicting their prissy selves on the general populace? The answer: PLOT CONVENIENCE.
You did the right thing. And it couldn’t have been easy for you. I’m proud of you, Edward.
Oh barf. I know there are a lot of women who think Carlisle is a DILF, but I just want to kick him in the balls and tell him to be a VAMPIRE already.
I could look him in the eye then. “She knows there’s something...wrong with me.”
So she's figured out you're a huge dickweed? It doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to realize THAT.
So Carlisle is perfectly okay with possibly having to move again because apparently in everybody's mind, superstrength could only come from vampires and so they are totally busted. He also doesn't care about uprooting and having to move, just as long as Eddie didn't partake of Bella's flowery blood. Carlisle is the wussiest vampire ever - I wish he'd get angry or snarl or develop SOME kind of personal defect. His shining golden saintly perfection is getting on my nerves... especially when he also acts like a pederastic cult leader.
So Edward points out that Bella hit her head (courtesy of HIM) and how it should be easy to discredit her, "They're obviously vampires!" explanation for what they are. I felt like a cad just saying the words. I say, old bean, it's a bit caddish to discredit the lady's blasted silly account. What ho!
But Carlisle is just fine with all this, and SERIOUSLY IS THIS GUY STONED? One of his "kids" could detonate a nuke and he'd just shake his head and twinkle at them. Apparently the only thing that would ever upset him is if Bella were sucked dry like a milk carton, since she's the Sue of the story and her well-being matters more to everybody than their own children's.
Quite the reversal of roles. Somewhere during that short thoughtless second when I’d sprinted across the icy lot, I had transformed from killer to protector.
Uh, he's not transforming from "killer" if he hasn't killed somebody. Hell, he wasn't even PLANNING to kill somebody today.
I laughed with him, remembering how sure I’d been that Bella would never need protecting from anything more than myself. There was an edge to my laugh because, van notwithstanding, that was still entirely true.
Yes, this asshole is so terrifying and dangerous that nobody notices him in a crowded parking lot, classroom, cafeteria.... and if he loses control, he will... glare at you! FEAR HIM! Seriously, I have encountered one-legged homeless guys I found more intimidating than this douchebag. What has he done or said other than oooooooo I'm dangerous be scared I'm a killer! that actually is even mildly spooky?
I waited alone in Carlisle’s office—one of the longer hours I had ever lived—listening to the hospital full of thoughts.
In a better book, this would be depressing and oppressive because, I dunno, the hospital is full of sick, injured and DYING people and their presumably upset relatives and friends. For a mind-reader, this would be hell.
So what kind of nightmarish experience does Edward have in this miserable place? He sits there focusing on Tyler so he can eavesdrop on Bawla, of course! Smeyers, you suck.
Tyler Crowley, the van’s driver, looked to be hurt worse than Bella, and the attention shifted to him while she waited her turn to be X-rayed.
This is the first and last time in this series that this will EVER happen. And by "this," I mean the focus being on someone who ISN'T a Sue.
And since no Sue can suffer a serious injury unless it's non-scarring or picturesque, Bella isn't seriously injured. I guess she really DOESN'T have a brain, or that loud crack of her skull against the street would probably have damaged it. This of course makes Edward nervous, because lack of concussion + stupidity = probably going to run around the hospital screaming that they're vampires. Of course. It doesn't seem to have crossed anyone's mind that since Bella is basically a sullen whiny girl with no real friends, her crazy theories probably aren't going to be heard.
Tyler was consumed with guilt over the fact that he had almost killed her, and he couldn’t seem to shut up about it.
Yeah, it sucks when people feel bad about almost killing someone! They should, like, be all contemptuous and laugh at the person they almost killed. THAT is hot!
I could see her expression through his eyes, and it was clear that she wished he would stop. How did he not see that?
Bella also reacts that way to, "Would you like to sit with us during lunch?", "Would you go out with me?", "What is the square root of 6000?", "Please pass the ketchup," "Would you like paper or plastic?" and "That's the men's room, so you can't go in there" so I can see why Tyler hasn't clued in.
So there's a "suspenseful" moment where Tyler asks how she got out of the way, since she's a completely passive character as well as an Endearing Klutz. Bella just sits there drooling on herself for awhile, and finally says that Edward saved her. Edward promptly has an orgasm over how she says his name.
“Edward Cullen,” she said, when Tyler didn’t realize who she meant.
How can Edward always be the center of attention when he has no presence? Allegedly this guy is supposed to have an Aura Of Vampiric Terror that causes people to scuttle out of his way while wetting their pants and crying for mommy cuz He's So Scawy. But in actuality, nobody really seems to notice him.
I found myself at the door, my hand on the knob. The desire to see her was growing stronger.
I bet he polished that knob too. Seriously, I don't think I even need to joke further about the unintentional sexual moments.
So Tyler has no idea what Bella's babbling about, but that's okay because he's reaffirming that like all Sues, Bella Is Hot And All Guys Want Her. She’s pretty, he was thinking, almost in surprise. Even all messed up. Not my usual type, still... I should take her out. Make up for today. I've never been a teenage boy so I honestly don't understand their thought processes, but I'm pretty sure that in the ER after a massive life-threatening car wreck, they have slightly more to think about than "Duuurrrrrrr, the girl I almost killed is PURDY."
And in case you care, I think that stylistically, Midnight Sun is even worse than Smeyers' other rotten books. Yes, including the infamous Breaking Dawn with its vampire teeth C-sections, nuclear Sueiness, pedophilia, Shield Of Luv, Suebaby, whole slew of awful new characters and the whatthefucky scene where Edward says he'll abort Bella's baby and Jacob can go knock her up with werewolf babies instead. Stylistically, this is the worst. Why? Because Smeyers gets to be lazy and throw any and all mystery and subtlety out the window.
Hallelujah, she no longer has to bother with even the pretense of CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT or having the characters read each other's words, moods or facial expressions. Edward can just read people's minds and make snap judgements about them, thus showing us whether we should cheer (pro-Bella/Edward) or jeer (anti-Bella/Edward). I'm sure it's such a relief to not have to do such hard work.
So anyway, because Tyler thinks Bella is hawt, Edward immediately goes zooming out there in a jealous rage.
It didn’t matter that Tyler thought she was pretty. Anyone would notice that. There was no reason for me to feel...how did I feel? Annoyed? Or was angry closer to the truth? That made no sense at all.
"We are soulmates and therefore nobody else gets to be attracted to either one of us! If anyone else, they are automatically a selfish shallow asshole who should be stoned for their insolence!"
So eventually Edward toddles to the radiology room and sees Carlisle, as well as Bella's X-rays. Of course, Bella's perfect skull is undented.
I see. She’s absolutely fine. Well done, Edward.
Yes, well done cracking the girl's head against the street. I'm so proud of you.
I would have been pleased, except that I knew that he would not approve of what I was going to do now. At least, he would not approve if he knew my real motivations.
"After 100 years, I'm finally going to have sex with an actual girl! With a vagina and everything!"
So Edward lies to his sainted fake-daddy about how he wants to go see Bawla, but Carlisle is more interested in Bawla's X-rays, since her bones are coated in gold and little singing cherubs are dancing inside her skull.
I looked to see what had his interest. Look at all the healed contusions! How many times did her mother drop her?
So is Smeyers admitting that Bella is brain-damaged? I guess you can't really break what's already shattered.
Carlisle laughed to himself at his joke. “I’m beginning to think the girl just has really bad luck. Always in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
Haha, how wonderfully endearing it is that this girl is always passively sitting in the middle of mayhem and destruction. Yet another way for the shitty Sue to be the center of attention all the time, in a way that is totally not her fault and is beyond her power to deal with. Ah, the powerless damsel in distress... Smeyers, you shame all womankind. We who possess vaginas and brains now spit at you! PTOOIE! PTOOIE!
Forks is certainly the wrong place for her, with you here. I flinched.
Ah, so under Carlisle's golden saintly shell beats the venom-filled heart of a total asshole.
So having lied to the guy he allegedly respects and loves
I stared at her face for a long moment. This was the last time I would see her.
Yeah, does anybody reading this actually believe he'd leave? They're Sues, so obviously NOBODY else in the world is worthy. They couldn't possibly get involved with people who aren't Suetifully pretty virgins with assholic attitudes!
That fact triggered an acute aching in my chest. Was it because I hated to leave any puzzle unsolved? That did not seem like enough of an explanation.
Is it supposed to be somehow endearing that Edward is not just a self-absorbed asshole, but is completely disconnected from any emotions he might have? It just screams "future serial killer with a fridge full of dried organs."
But of course Bella stops faking sleep once she hears Edward's voice, and starts being all pouty and grumpy. Edward pretends that he's totally unbothered by everything that's happen, and even blows off Tyler's attempt at an apology. Because in Twilightland, apologizing means you're a pathetic lameass who deserves nothing but contempt! It's like the Anita Blake world, but with less swearing and sex.
I raised one hand to halt his apology. “No blood, no foul,” I said wryly. Without thinking, I smiled too widely at my private joke.
Ha. Ha. Get it? He said "blood," because he's a vampire, so it's funny... wait, no it's not.
So Edward is apparently unbothered by the guy lying there covered in blood, even though he was salivating after his random classmates only two chapters ago. How does he do it? He's busy obsessing on Bella, so of course mere mortal blood has no effect on him. IT'S LUV! Because LOVE, TROO LUV is all about how you smell, not about random boring crap like your personality, your interests, your values.... no! It's all about your smell or your looks or your bank account!
But, now... I could see how, if you were focusing on something else hard enough, the temptation was be nothing at all.
If you plop me in a steakhouse with delicious steaks on the grill, I'm pretty sure the presence of a chocolate cake is not going to distract me. Sorry Smeyers, but fresh blood that actual PEOPLE can smell is not going to be eclipsed by Bella's freesia-scented blood.
Even fresh and exposed, Tyler’s blood had nothing on Bella’s.
Nobody is as speshul as Bella! And you will be flogged with a sparkling diamond rope if you suggest otherwise!
So Bawla starts whining that they won't let her leave the hospital, and demands to know why he isn't "strapped to a gurney like the rest of us." Here's a better question: why isn't she gagged so we don't have to hear her talk?
Her impatience made me smile again.
Yes, it's fun to watch other people being impatient. Edward, you are a dick.
Then Bawla is shocked when Carlisle comes into the room, to the point where her eyes pop and her mouth hangs open. I groaned internally. Yes, she’d certainly noticed the resemblance. Yes, the resemblance between two people who aren't actually related and don't look anything alike. Because being dead pale means you "resemble" each other.
He had a wonderfully soothing beside manner that put most patients at ease within moments.
Here's a question: if the vampires are supposed to have a terrifying predatorial aura that makes people run away screaming, then how come Carlisle The Golden Soppy Saint doesn't?
So Bawla keeps insisting that she's fine and glaring at Eddie, even as Carlisle asks if her head hurts. As we know from Twilight, she would never admit that her head hurts because it would mean MORE ATTENTION ON HER OH HORRORZ. Carlisle starts feeling her head for her achy booboo, and Edward... gets jealous of his daddy-figure. That's really weird. It's REALLY weird.
I ached for the difference between Carlisle and me— that he could touch her so gently, without fear, knowing he would never harm her...
Seriously, this entire scene is getting really freaky. "Hey dad, hands off my crush!"
Her chin jerked up a fraction. “Not really,” she said. Another small piece of her character fell into place: she was brave. She didn’t like to show weakness. Possibly the most vulnerable creature I’d ever seen, and she didn’t want to seem weak.
- ... oooorrrrrr... maybe she just wants to get the hell out of the E.R. and go back to normal life. Or maybe it DOESN'T hurt.
- Especially since Bella's not brave, she's just too stupid to have any kind of common sense. Seriously, she is a massive wuss who is simply too passive to dodge danger, and too stupid to avoid it in the first place.
- Edward must spend most of his time locked in his room, because there are a LOT more vulnerable creatures than a high school girl with no discernible physical or mental handicaps, despite extensive damage to her tiny brain.
- I know Sues have to be the "mostest" of whatever they are, but I doubt that Bella is somehow more vulnerable than a person in a wheelchair, or a person who's mentally retarded, or a person who is paralyzed, or a baby kitten, or a hamster... you get the idea.
See that? That is clearly LESS vulnerable than Bella.
Carlisle says that Bawla's dad is in the waiting room, blah blah blah typical doctorspeak. Edward immediately freaks again and starts checking the waiting room for Charlie. No, there's no reason for him to do this.
So then Bawla is HORRIFIED that most of the school has congregated in the waiting room, because as a Sue her immediate well-being matters more than things like passing algebra and getting into a good college. I guess it's like when a president is assassinated: everybody takes the day off when a Sue gets a mild head trauma.
I anticipated her reaction this time—her aversion to attention. She didn’t disappoint.
Is being fanatically opposed to ANYBODY noticing you supposed to be a virtue? Let's see... loyalty... sympathy... endurance... nope, I see "humility" on the list, but not "violent aversion to anybody noticing you, no matter what." That's more of a psychological defect than an example of how perfect Bella is.
In fact, you could consider Bella's aversion to be another way of GETTING attention without making it obvious that she wants it. After all, she decided from the very beginning that she was going to be the center of attention for the WHOLE TOWN.
Of course, Bella starts groaning and making a fuss about what a DRAAAAGGGGGG it is to be paid attention to. Edward is thrilled by this.
I liked that I’d finally guessed right. I was beginning to understand her...
Does he understand that she's as selfish, bitchy, whiny and shallow as he is, and that she's just as inclined to stalk people she crushes on?
But Bella is equally horrified at the idea that she might stay at the hospital, since hospitals are almost as much of a DRAAAAAAGGGG as people noticing you. Then she falls over and lands on Carlisle, which makes Eddie jellus again. Hot damn, that's creepy. So apparently our douchebag non-hero doesn't want Bella having ANY contact with ANY man other than him... like a psycho controlling abusive asshole. Ah, LOVE!
So Carlisle gives her standard doctor warnings, and tells her she was lucky.
She turned her face slightly, to stare at me with hard eyes. “Lucky Edward happened to be standing next to me.”
"Because there's no chance I could possibly have a concussion. None at all! Because people who get their heads smashed against concrete are the clearest-headed observers in the world! No room for self-doubt!"
Carlisle decides to wuss out and just agree with her, instead of talking about hallucinations or something of the sort. Wimp. And while he's examining poor Tyler, who is ignored for the rest of the chapter. After all, his gashes and concussion are a LOT less important than Bawla's ouchiebooboo.
Bella walked deliberately toward me, not stopping until she was uncomfortably close.
Mary Sue, you are violating my territorial bubble! (apologies to Peter Jackson).
“Can I talk to you for a minute?” she hissed at me.
What a very appealing character Bawla is. She hisses, she glares, she whines, she treats other people like crap... and this isn't even from the first-person perspective!
But of course, Edward is turned on by her yummy smell: Venom flowed in my mouth and my body yearned to strike. Is he a vampire or a fricking cobra? And what is the point of having venom in your mouth when you're hungry, really? Saliva isn't just there to lubricate your food; it's actually a part of digestion.... and replacing it with venom just.... makes it toxic to YOU.
to wrench her into my arms and crush her throat to my teeth.
"I'm very sexually repressed, thank you. No genitals for me, just throats!"
My mind was stronger than my body, but only just.
He must have the physical strength of a paper doily.
So Bella says that she wants to talk to him alone, so they walk out into the hall which is suspiciously devoid of nurses. I stalked out of the room, listening to her stumbling footsteps behind me, trying to keep up. Ah, another reminder of how endearing clumsy and pathetic Bella is, just like a little woman should be.
I had the character down: I would be the villain. I would lie and ridicule and be cruel.
So in other words, just be yourself.
It went against all my better impulses—the human impulses that I’d clung to through all these years.
... what human impulses? We haven't seen any of these better impulses, except the desire to not piss off his annoying incesty family and the saintly Carlisle. He doesn't give a crap about any of the humans around there, and he hasn't refrained from killing Bella out of any sense of altruism, just his own cold-blooded desire to figure out a puzzle.
I’d never wanted to deserve trust more than in this moment, when I had to destroy all possibility of it.
... so if you say somebody is hallucinating, you've destroyed all chance of being trusted?
It made it worse to know that this would be the last memory she would have of me. This was my farewell scene.
Whatever. I really don't care, dude. It's not like you've spent any quality time together or are even acquainted, so your farewell isn't exactly breaking my heart.
So he demands to know what she wants, and of course poor Bella is confused by the incredibly complex and nuanced question, just as you'd expect an allegedly intelligent person to be. And of course she's all fragile and pitiful, just like you'd expect your heroine to be... because she's a GURL. Suck it, Smeyers.
“You promised,” she whispered.
"You were going to buy me a pony!"
So Edward claims that Bella hit her head and doesn't know what she's talking about. Now, a normal person would actually have some small amount of doubt here, especially since she was hit on the head hard enough to be knocked out, and the disparity from normalcy is small enough that it wouldn't be TOO hard to imagine that she had just daydreamed the sight of Edward across the parking lot. But of course, Bella must Always Be Right, so she denies it.
Her chin came up then.
... and hit me in the eye.
“There’s nothing wrong with my head.”
Nope, too easy. All I'll say is that if the doctor is marveling at all the FRACTURES in your skull, there probably is.
“What do you want from me, Bella?”
“I want to know the truth. I want to know why I’m lying for you.”
Really, has she actually lied for him? Not blurting out the highly suspect facts is NOT the same thing as lying. But since Bawla is a Sue, Edward admits that she's right. So she starts babbling incoherently about what happened, while Edward marvels about how she noticed everything.
“You think I lifted a van off you?... Nobody will believe that, you know.”
So I'm not sure why he's so freaked out by the possibility that Skull Fracture Girl will blab to the whole town.
So Bella says that she doesn't plan to tell anybody, and generally acts like a whiny little bitch who really has no reason to harass Edward into spilling his secrets. Really, what has she done to deserve it? Answer: not told everybody, even though nobody would buy her line of vague bullshit anyway.
So Edward acts like a stuck-up asshole and Bella acts like a whiny asshole and DEAR LORD will lightning just strike them both dead already? These two never shut up. The only things they love more than themselves are the sound of their whiny voices.
I’d rather she made up her own story than know what I was, because nothing could be worse than the truth—I was a living nightmare, straight from the pages of a horror novel.
Eh heh. Heheheh. Yeah, he's the stuff of horror novels, that bishie with sparkling skin, smoldering sexuality and an all-animal diet. I'm terrified. Seriously, call Stephen King and order him to retire, because Stephenie Meyer's vampires are the stuff of horror novels! They're living nightmares! PLEASE BELIEVE MEEEEEEE, THEY ARE SOOOOOO SCARY AND MENACING!
It was odd how endearing her anger was. Like a furious kitten, soft and harmless, and so unaware of her own vulnerability.
Yes, because a female is nothing but an ineffectual little ball of fluff who should be treated as such. I'm glad to see Edward hasn't stuck to the rancidly sexist attitudes of his mortal life, when marital rape was not only legal but encouraged!
I memorized her face one last time—it was still set in lines of anger, the blood not yet faded from her cheeks—and then I turned and walked away from her.
And I still don't caaaaarreeeee.... seriously, this is like the second real conversation they've had about, and they're acting like they're star-crossed lovers being torn apart by evil forces. SHUT UP.