Friday, April 15, 2016

New Moon Epilogue

So we're given a sum-up of how her boring life went back to being boring again, only with the Cullens.

Since the Cullens are Perfect Gold-Crapping Vampires, the hospital is fine with Carlisle retaking his old job. They just fired the poor schmuck who had gotten his job, because he'd never be as wonderful as Carlisle.

"Haha! We care nothing for others!"

Thanks to the Calculus test I'd missed while abroad, Alice and Edward were in better shape to graduate than I was at the moment.

Yeah, she acted like a zombie for months and months, and THAT doesn't affect her grades. One missed test? SHE'S RUINED.

And since Edturd doesn't want her to be a vampire, he's trying to cram college down her throat even though she's missed most of the application deadlines. Apparently he thinks that will magically keep her from getting turned, even though the high school graduation is the point where she'll get turned by Carlisle.

I'm also not sure what difference it makes. I mean, the sparklepires go to college. Over and over. Jasper was going to college until he was uprooted and presumably had to withdraw. So why would going to college somehow keep Bella human?

it didn't bother him that, thanks to my procrastination, we might both end up at Peninsula Community College next year.

  1. Again, I don't think Smeyer knows what being absurdly rich would be like. You could get into any college because HELLO MONEY.
  2. Note how many old-money or politically-connected kids go to top colleges despite having the brains of boiled eggs.
  3. Note that Bella doesn't say SHE wants to go to college, or has even decided to.
  4. No, it's that EDTURD has applications for her.
  5. Also, going to a college like Harvard wouldn't make you decide, "Hey, I don't need to go to any more Ivy League colleges! I've achieved enough!" It would probably make your standards higher.

Charlie is still pissed, and he's grounded Bella. Because she's a grown woman who can legally go where she wants and do what she wants, which means her dad can control her life. But Bella doesn't care, because she and Edturd can make out all day at school.

Almost, but not quite. There was the house arrest situation, for one thing.

Does Smeyer know what being eighteen involves?

But oh woe, being a selfish bitch is hard on Bella, because now Jacob wants nothing to do with her and refuses to answer her phone calls. I can't blame him. He and his friends have been valiantly protecting her while the vampires flounced to the other side of the country, and even ignored the fact that she had been in bed with their mortal enemies.

And now she's basically thrown the "adolescent wolves" aside because her sparkly rich vampires have come back. She only wanted them for her own ends, and once something better came back, she dropped them like panties in front of a sparkly penis.

I'd noticed that Edward made a certain face every time I mentioned Jacob's name. Sort of disapproving and wary… maybe even angry.

  1. "Ugh, they're so NOT WHITE!"
  2. I'm only half kidding - consider when Edward is from! He's probably a huge racist.
  3. If Bella weren't a devoted idiot, she'd probably figure out that most guys don't like it when their girlfriend is constantly phoning and spending time with mostly naked beefcake.
  4. I could maybe buy this cluelessness if Bella hadn't used Jacob as an emotional band-aid to blot out Edward's absence, and ALMOST HAD SEX WITH HIM.

I guessed that he had some reciprocal prejudice against the werewolves, though he wasn't as vocal as Jacob had been about the "bloodsuckers."

I think this is supposed to show that Edturd is in the morally superior position, because he doesn't VOICE his prejudice as much as the werewolves do.

Nope. I maintain that he's really, really racist.

When I did think of Jake, I always felt guilty for not thinking of him more.

But then I remembered that I have a sexy boyfriend, so I stopped thinking about him.

Prince returned, bad spell broken. I wasn't sure exactly what to do about the leftover, unresolved character. Where was his happily ever after?

Oh, don't worry. I'm sure the author will conjure up a dhampir Sue who will be his instant soulmate at birth, and he'll wait just seven years before he nails her and is welcomed into the Mormon Church Cullen family. Happy ending!

"It's just plain rude!" I vented one Saturday afternoon when Edward picked me up from work. Being angry about things was easier than feeling guilty. "Downright insulting!"

Ah, Bella's embraced the Tao of Anita Blake: Be angry when you're the one at fault, so people will assume you're in the right.

Instead of calling from home, she decided to call from work... and Billy basically told her to piss off. Specifically, he mentioned that Jacob was RIGHT THERE and wanted to talk to her like he wants explosive diarrhea.

"That he was there, and wouldn't walk three steps to get to the phone! Usually Billy just says he's out or busy or sleeping or something. I mean, it's not like I didn't know he was lying to me, but at least it was a polite way to handle it. I guess Billy hates me now, too. It's not fair!"

  1. Yes it is. Extremely fair.
  2. Whining "it's not faaaaaaiiiirrrrr" like a spoiled brat doesn't mean it's true.
  3. He probably hated you all along, because he could see you're a supernatural groupie who just latches onto whoever can give her the most.
  4. And now you've ditched his son for the wolves' mortal... uh, immortal enemies. Why the hell would he NOT hate you?
  5. I also love the claim that Billy was lying all those other times. Yeah, because Jacob probably ISN'T busy, out or sleeping all the time, especially since he's nursing a broken heart. It's not like he spent almost all day doing those things when SHE was around.
  6. Why would he lie? If Jacob DOESN'T want to speak to her, his dad doesn't have any reason to lie.
  7. Oh right. He's an Indian, and a mdidle-aged person. So he MUST be a liar, and unlike with the sparklepires, that's a BAD thing.

"It's not you, Bella," Edward said quietly. "Nobody hates you."

Yes. They do. My hatred alone is as the hatred of a thousand.

But since Bella is a Sue, all she really hears whenever people speak is:

"Jacob knows we're back, and I'm sure that he's ascertained that I'm with you," Edward said. "He won't come anywhere near me. The enmity is rooted too deeply."
"That's stupid. He knows you're not… like other vampires."

Yes, he knows Edturd is totally different... even though...

  1. He once planned to kill thirty people so he could kill Bella.
  2. He planned to hunt humans to piss off the Volturi.
  3. He tried to commit suicide in a way that would kill THOUSANDS.
  4. His "family" is friends with vampires who do kill people, and pass no moral judgement on them at all.

But he doesn't make killing people a REGULAR way of life, so that means he's TOTALLY different.

Oh, and shut up, you stupid cow. This is a centuries-long conflict between two supernatural species that you don't even belong to, and you don't even know how or why it started. But you're arrogant enough to just shrug and say, "Whatever! They're just being stubborn and should make up because, like, fighting is dumb and stuff."

Here's a real-life comparison: imagine that you're an American in the Middle-East, and you get into a relationship with an Israeli. He/she breaks up with you after while, and you drown your sorrows into a demi-romantic friendship with a Palestinian. Then you get back with your Israeli ex, and the Palestinian cuts off contact because... duh.

If you responded to this delicate problem with "Like, you should all get along and stop being stupid! Because I'm awesome and it totally inconveniences me!" it would show you for the shallow arrogant ass you would be. It ignores the causes of deep-rooted hatred, religious conflict, human nature, and the history involved. Wanting long-standing hate to end because it's inconvenient to BELLA just shows her total lack of empathy for ANYONE.

"There's still good reason to keep a safe distance."

For once, I agree with this pseudo-Byronic twit. See above examples.

Edturd says condescendingly that "I can control myself" (except when he almost loses control) but he figures that Jacob can't because... no reason, since the werewolves do seem to have pretty good self-control in wolf form. And if they fought, Edturd would probably kill him... yeah, keep saying that. Since Jacob has a whole pack behind him, HE would probably kill Edturd.

And don't forget, Edturd's first and only fight scene involved attacking a preteen girl... and failing miserably. Yes, I believe he can beat a super-strong horse-sized wolf.

"Edward Cullen," I whispered. "Were you about to say killed him? Were you?"

"You're a VAMPIRE! I thought you were BETTER than killing your mortal enemies!"

For some reason, this SHOCKS poor Bawla, who apparently figured that only werewolves killed vampires, and not the other way around.

Abruptly, I remembered what had happened to Paris when Romeo came back. The stage directions were simple: They fight. Paris falls.
But that was ridiculous. Impossible.

  1. It's not ridiculous, you arrogant twat. Just because you don't want it doesn't mean it's "ridiculous.
  2. I'm tired of Bella insisting that bad stuff is "ridiculous" or "impossible" whenever something bad happens.
  3. Hell, the penalty for the Cullens violating the treaty is... THE PACK KILLS THEM. As in, DEATH.
  4. And you notice she didn't insist it was impossible and ridiculous when Jacob said HE would kill Edward. No, it's only ridiculous and impossible if she thinks her sparkly, white and righteous boyfriend might, gasp, do something morally questionable.
  5. And stop trying to cram Romeo and Juliet into this. If the lead characters don't commit suicide and have no real obstacles, you don't get to make any comparisons.
  6. It's even stupider because Paris wasn't a Capulet. He's from the House of Verona! He wasn't involved in the feud at all!
  7. The only conflict he had with Romeo was that he believed Romeo was planning to desecrate his betrothed's grave!
  8. Anyone else think that Smeyer just fast-forwards the parts of Romeo and Juliet that don't involve romantic speechifying?

"Well," I said, and took a deep breath, shaking my head to dispel the words in my head. "Nothing like that is ever going to happen, so there's no reason to worry about it."

"After all, everybody will decide to just get along because I'm so special and wonderful, and everyone loves me SO MUCH that they'll put aside centuries of hate for my benefit!"
"Ha! Wouldn't that be stupid?!"

Then Edturd goes all grim and pissy. Bella thinks that it means her dad has been killed by Victoria, but that would actually be a shocking and horrifying cliffhanger. That sort of thing is left to better books.

And if she's really THAT worried about her dad, why doesn't she just move out? Yes, it would be hurtful to Charlie, but since she's planning to later move out, fake her own death and never see him again FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE, I don't think that she cares THAT much about how he feels. If she DID care about him, she would move out to save his life.

Oh right, Victoria hasn't made an attempt on anyone around her in ALL THESE MONTHS. I doubt she'll start now.

I don't know what I expected—maybe Victoria standing in the middle of the street, her flaming red hair blowing in the wind, or a line of tall black cloaks… or a pack of angry werewolves.

Oh man, I wish it HAD been the Volturi. It would be hilarious if

  1. Alice's foresight had failed again,
  2. Edturd's insistence that they won't turn up for years and years turned out to be BS, and
  3. Aro showed up again to ask why Bella isn't vamped.

And... a pack of angry werewolves? Why would they be in Forks? And does she really think werewolves just hang around in wolf form in suburban streets?

"Charlie… is probably not going to kill you, but he's thinking about it," he told me.

... because she's a few minutes late? If Charlie is so hardassed that a red light delay makes him that angry, then Bella should move out because he's apparently had a psychotic break.

No, Jacob is hanging around. And oh noes! He has done something UNFORGIVABLE!

Shiny, bright red, impossible to miss. My motorcycle, flaunting itself in the driveway.
Edward had said that Charlie was ready to kill me, so he must know that—that it was mine. There was only one person who could be behind this treachery.

  • Ditching the people who protected her for the people who abandoned her: nothing important.
  • Dropping off a forbidden motorcycle: TREACHERY MOST FOUL!

And again, BELLA IS A FUCKING ADULT. She can drive whatever the hell she wants.

I'm sorry to keep harping on this, but I don't understand why Smeyer seems to think that it's natural that an 18-year-old woman is under her dad's thumb and needs permission for everything. My parents were fairly strict, especially compared to Bella's, but they stopped penalizing me when I turned 18 because they were acknowledging that I was an adult.

Like I mentioned a couple chapters back, you can tell that Smeyer was raised in a very patriarchal, "traditional" stripe of some conservative religion. This is another sign of it! She acts like it's perfectly natural that a grown woman would be controlled by her father and treated like a small child until he "gives" her to her husband, who will then take over controlling her... when it's not natural at all.

"No!" I gasped. "Why? Why would Jacob do this to me?"

"All I did was cold-bloodedly use him for my own comfort, have his friends risk their lives for me, and then ditch them all as soon as something better came along! HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO MEEEEEEE?!"

The sting of betrayal washed through me. I had trusted Jacob implicitly—trusted him with every single secret I had.

... EXCEPT for the secret that she was just using him for her own ends. Funny how she never told him THAT one.

He was supposed to be my safe harbor—the person I could always rely on.

And you were supposed to be his friend. Why am I supposed to sympathize with YOU?

Bella melodramatically wanks about how petty and just plain mean Jacob is being and how he betrayed her, blah blah blah. Again, SHE used and discarded the werewolves. I have no sympathy for her, especially since she's too much of a pathetic lump to actually stand up for herself.

Also, precisely what the hell was he supposed to do with YOUR property when he doesn't plan to spent any time around you anymore? Was he supposed to mail it to you?

Of course things were strained right now, but I didn't think any of the underlying foundation had changed. I didn't think that was changeable!

It really shows that Bella has had no friendships since EVER, if she thinks that betraying a friend means that nothing has changed.

What had I done to deserve this?

Do you want me to list everything?

Charlie was going to be so mad—and worse than that, he was going to be hurt and worried. Didn't he have enough to deal with already?

Yes, pretend this is all about Charlie. You couldn't even be bothered to pick up a cell phone and leave him a five second message, but when JACOB does something to upset him, suddenly we're supposed to care.

And suddenly Bella wants to beat up Jacob. Yes, after two books of lying around like a moldy sack of manure, she's suddenly ready to get violent. Methinks this is Smeyer's half-assed way of trying to make it sound like Bella ISN'T passive and pathetic, like everyone was saying.

However, she fails, for three reasons:

  • Bella never does anything for herself when it counts. She only does it when she can't make a difference.
  • Edward immediately stops her.
  • It's incredibly stupid to physically attack someone whom we've established has mega-superhuman strength and endurance. It's like trying to kick down the Great Wall of China. Non-passive does not equal brainless.

"Let me go! I'm going to murder him! Traitor!" I shouted the epithet toward the trees.

... and yet Charlie doesn't notice her until the conversation is over.

"Just give me one round with Jacob, and then I'll deal with Charlie." I struggled futilely to break free.

Bella betrayed the vampires' secrets, and she dumped the werewolves for their mortal enemies after they spend months protecting her. But we're not supposed to see her as a manipulative treacherous cow, oh no no no! We're supposed to see Jacob was a mean ol' traitor because he left a motorcycle in front of her house!


But it turns out that Jacob doesn't want to see Bella, but Edturd.

That stopped me cold—took the fight right out of me. My hands went limp. They fight; Paris falls.
I was furious, but not that furious.

What do you care, bitch? You have your sparkly boyfriend back, so you're not emotionally devastated anymore. You never cared about Jacob except as a band-aid, so why do you care if Edward kills him now?

And (spoiler alert) it's eventually revealed that Bella DOESN'T actually give a shit about him. She's just being manipulated into it by an ovum. Because women are controlled by their reproductive organs.

So Jacob is there, and he's as disgusted by Edward as Edward is with him. So Bella makes the whole scene about her.

It had been so long since I'd seen him—I hated that our reunion had to be like this.

Whatever. Bella just doesn't want her moral superiority challenged. She starts whining and asking how he could do this to her.

"What is that supposed to mean? Do you want Charlie to strangle me? Or did you want him to have a heart attack, like Harry? No matter how mad you are at me, how could you do this to him?"

Yes, pretend that it's an assault on CHARLIE. It allows you to pretend that you're not mad about Jacob getting YOU in trouble.

Since natural dialogue is for good characters, Edward just reads Jacob's mind and says what he's thinking.

"He didn't want to hurt anyone—he just wanted to get you grounded, so that you wouldn't be allowed to spend time with me," Edward murmured, explaining the thoughts Jacob wouldn't say.

"He's also thinking some really filthy things about whipped cream, blenders and a sheep."

"He thought I wouldn't let you, not Charlie," Edward explained again.

Would that actually surprise anyone? Especially if they've read Eclipse?

So Edturd unclenches long enough to thank Jacob for keeping Bella from committing suicide. While this is going on, Bella fades into the background and nobody lets her speak... just like every other important scene in this series.

"For keeping Bella alive," Edward clarified, his voice rough and fervent. "When I… didn't."

How sad is it when Edturd shows more gratitude and appreciation to his MORTAL ENEMY and RIVAL than Bella does. She pretends to be his friend and to have had this super-intimate friendship with him... but has she shown any gratitude for him protecting her and buoying her up emotionally?NO! She treated it as perfectly normal and natural that he would make his whole life about catering to her whims, AND not be angry when she tossed him aside.

Edward Cullen, a violent psychopath who controls his girlfriend in every way he can, is showing himself to be a NICER PERSON than Bella is. Let that sink in.

Edward offers to do anything Jacob wants, then says that he can't leave. Bella, being about five steps behind them, figures it out after the conversation is already over.

The only thing that Jacob would want from Edward would be his absence.

Thanks, genius. All those years of Jane Austen are so useful.

"Never," I whispered, still locked in Edward's eyes.
Jacob made a gagging sound.

Along with the thinking people who read this book.

Bella is pissed off by someone pointing out how nauseating their interactions are, so she starts sniping at him.

"Was there something else you needed, Jacob?"

"Like, I'm trying to make googoo eyes at my boyfriend in front of you. Don't bug me!"

"Charlie might just send me to military school."

  1. Again, age 18. An adult. He can't send you anywhere.
  2. Do they even HAVE military school anymore?
  3. This sounds more like something a middle-aged or old person would say, because I doubt a teen today knows what military school is. I had to google it to find out.

"But that won't keep me away from Edward. There's nothing that can do that. What more do you want?"

How about shutting up? This entire conversation wasn't even supposed to involve you. You just shoved yourself into it because you can't stand not being the center of attention.

So Jacob is basically there just to remind the sparklevamps about the treaty. Why? Because if any of them bite a human, the truce is over and it's all-out war.  Oh noes! This means that Bella can't be turned into a vampire without causing war between the vampires and werewolves! What a terrible obstacle to Bella and Edward finding twoo eternal sparkly wuv! And how terrible that Bella is the center of all this mayhem, like she is in every single conflict in this steaming pile of vampire non-porn!

... except the whole truce thing is EASILY dealt with. All the Cullens and Bella need to do is go to one of the many empty houses they have in other parts of the world, and bite her there. The truce only applies to the areas surrounding La Push, and the werewolves have NO jurisdiction anywhere else in the world. THIS IS NOT AN OBSTACLE. Or is Smeyer implying that if they bite anyone in the world ANYWHERE, that breaks the truce?

Hell, they don't even need to bite her. Breaking Dawn features syringes filled with vampire venom, which can be used to turn a person without even shedding their blood. So they don't even need to bite her to turn her!

Thanks, Smeyer. Once again, you introduce a non-obstacle that everyone TREATS like an obstacle.

"Derp! I'm better than Shakespeare!"

He scowled at Edward with pure hate. "Ugh. I would never hurt her."
Neither Edward or I missed the inflection, or the accusation it contained. A low hiss escaped Edward's lips. Jacob clenched his fists reflexively.

I think we're supposed to be angry because Jacob is being SOOOOOO MEAAAAAAAN!

So, are we going to close out this book with the epic vampire vs. werewolf battles that Smeyer has been careful not to show us? Will we finally get some action after two books of bland romantic drivel that carefully NEVER shows anyone fighting anyone?

"BELLA!" Charlie's roar echoed from the direction of the house. "YOU GET IN THIS HOUSE THIS INSTANT!"

... of course not. We get cockblocked by Charlie. I know even people who hate this series like Charlie, but I really detest him now.

Oh, and Bella doesn't care THAT much about Charlie's blood pressure, because even though he's screaming at her across the yard, she doesn't budge an inch. Presumably this is so she can hear Edturd and Jacob discussing Victoria and who gets dibs on killing her. It turns out that when Alice showed up, Victoria vanished.

Edward nodded. "When she comes back, she's not your problem anymore. We'll—"

"After all, she has a grudge against my girlfriend. That's all the authorization we need!"

"She killed on our turf," Jacob hissed. "She's ours!"

... wait, she killed someone? When? Where? Who?

I thought at first that he meant the hikers, but the people killed by her and Laurent weren't on Quileute land. Just what counts as "our turf"?

"No—," I began to protest both declarations.

"I'm a female! That means I am automatically horrified by violence and killing!"

Charlie starts screaming again, and again, Bella isn't exactly rushing back out of concern for his health. No, she's bleating at Jacob that she still wants to be friends.

"You promised," I reminded him desperately. "Still friends, right?"

Yes, two minutes ago she was raging about how he had betrayed her and how mean he is... but now she wants to be BFFs forevah!

And really... I don't know why. She ONLY spent time around Jacob because she didn't have Edturd around, not because she actually liked him. She used him to give her a motorcycle, protection from Victoria, and to distract her from being single. Now that she doesn't need a motorcycle, protection OR distraction... exactly why does she want to be around him?

And no, it's not his personality. The only times when Jacob talks to her about anything, she basically ignores him. Smeyer tells us a thousand times why Bella wants him around, and all of it is irrelevant now that she has Edturd again.

"Miss you," he mouthed. One of his hands reached toward me, his fingers outstretched, like he wished they were long enough to cross the distance between us.
"Me, too," I choked out. My hand reached toward his across the wide space.
"Jake…" I took a step toward him. I wanted to wrap my arms around his waist and erase the expression of misery on his face.

  1. You know, it was despicable enough when Bella was stringing him along while Edward was nowhere nearby.
  2. But now Edturd is actually STANDING THERE. You know, the guy she repeatedly has said she wants to be with forever and ever and ever.
  3. And she's doing this dramatic reunited-lovers act... which is stringing Jacob along by acting like he has a chance with her, and that she's interested in him. When we've been told many times that he DOESNT.

Ugh, Bella IS such a disgrace. I don't care if she's never had sex with either of these men, and won't have sex with anyone until she gets married. She IS a total whore... no, wait, that's an insult to sex workers, who are nicer and more capable than Bella. She's a skank. She's a slut. She's a despicable filthy hobag.

There are a lot of thing that I consider really reprehensible, but this kind of cold-blooded use of another person for purely selfish reasons is one of them. Bella has mentioned NO reason to spend time around Jacob except because Edward wasn't there, so

And NOW, she's openly making googoo eyes at two men in the SAME SCENE. She acts like she's being tragically separated from her twoo wuv... in front of the guy that she CLAIMS is her twoo wuv... with no plan of getting together with the guy she's gushing over. And the worst part is, NOBODY calls her out on it. Jacob doesn't tell her to stop jerking him around, Edward doesn't say, "hey, if you're in love with me, why the hell are you acting like THAT?"

Also... how tall is Bella?

Seriously, why the hell does she keep hugging men around the waist? Unless she's the size of Kristen Chenowith and is surrounded by basketball players, THIS SHOULD NOT HAPPEN.

Since she's never mentioned as being abnormally short, I'm going to assume that she's average... like she is in every other way. In the US, that would be about 5'4". Is she seriously claiming that Jacob and Charlie are at least nine feet tall?! Or did Smeyer originally write her as a child at the mercy of pedophiles?

And I mention only them, because Edturd doesn't seem much taller than Bella... which apparently means that he's a hobbit too.

Or is... this Smeyer's squeaky-clean euphemism for a blowjob?

Edward gets sick of her prancing across a meadow to embrace Jacob and drags her back, because he's a controlling dickface.

"It's okay," I promised him, looking up to read his face with trust in my eyes. He would understand.

Why would he understand, you dim bitch? You're practically snogging his mortal enemy in front of him. He's already made it clear he hates the guy.

His eyes were unreadable, his face expressionless. Cold. "No, it's not."

And he doesn't. Once again, Smeyer demonstrates that Edturd isn't the shining saint she insists he is, and that he's constantly proving Bella's starry-eyed dribble wrong.

This makes Jacob HULK MAD.

And he and Edturd ALMOST fight... only for the readers to get cockblocked by Charlie again I SWEAR ON THE GRAVES OF MY ANCESTORS THAT I WILL SET THIS BOOK ON FIRE.

I knew that last glimpse of his face would haunt me until I saw him smile again.

That blowjob you mentioned might help

And right there I vowed that I would see him smile, and soon. I would find a way to keep my friend.

Yeah, never mind that it could cause him to get in massive amounts of trouble, and can jeopardize becoming a vampire, and that he's already said he can't be friends with you. Bella wants it, so Bella will get it, and damn the consequences to OTHER PEOPLE.

I had some serious problems.

Narcissism, sociopathy, misogyny, treachery... yeah, I can agree there.

My best friend counted me with his enemies.

Well, since you're on their side, betrayed the wolves for them and want to permanently become one of them... yes, you're his enemy.

Victoria was still on the loose, putting everyone I loved in danger.

Except that she doesn't seem interested in anyone except you.

And even if Bella WAS endangering anyone because of Victoria, we've already learned that she's too lazy to bother leaving.

If I didn't become a vampire soon, the Volturi would kill me.

That's not a problem. That's more of a joy-inducing promise.

And now it seemed that if I did, the Quileute werewolves would try to do the job themselves—along with trying to kill my future family.

Except for the part where she can become a vampire anywhere else in the world, and the Quileutes wouldn't care because it's NOT THEIR PROBLEM. It's only a problem if they stay in Forks.

Hey, how about that remote Brazilian island with NOTHING on it except a giant McMansion with all the modern conveniences, and nobody around except the superstitious non-white cleaning people whom you could just give a paid vacation? That might be the PERFECT place to be turned...

... and so is not an option, because this is the closest thing we have to a plot.

"We're so sparkly and white that pure water and electricity just spring from the ground!"

I didn't think they had any chance really,

Of course you don't, bitch. God forbid you admit that the sparklepires are a total embarrassment. Never mind that the Cullens haven't managed to hurt any of the werewolves, whereas the werewolves have managed to kill multiple vampires... no, the werewolves don't have a chance.

but would my best friend get himself killed in the attempt?

"Then I realized that I would be sparkly, white and rich, so it didn't matter."

So they go inside so Charlie can scream at Bella, and Smeyer tries to make it seem like this is an epic moment.

I squared my shoulders and walked forward to meet my fate, with my destiny solidly at my side.

And then Charlie spanked me and took away my dessert, and Edward laughed the whole time and asked if he could spank me too.



Do I even need to mention how that was even WORSE than the first one? This sucked like a cheap hooker inside a vacuum cleaner... which has been sucked into a supermassive black hole.

I think what is the worst thing is that as repulsive as Bella and Edturd came across as in the first book, they come across as INFINITELY worse here. Bella was a selfish useless bitch in the first book, and in this one she's a whiny sexually-manipulative sociopath who has an emotional meltdown when she doesn't get what she wants; in the first book, Edturd was a controlling dick, and in this one he's a pathetically ineffectual douchebag who tries to kill thousands of people for no reason.

Even the LIKABLE characters like Jacob and Charlie have become douchecanoes, and show no signs of stopping.

And while the first book had some repellent attitudes like the sexism and Bella being attracted ONLY to the guy who constantly threatens to kill her... this one has all that, AND it adds some new ones. Like the racism of the "sexy man-beast Indian." And the anti-Catholicism. And the intrusive Mormon influences. And the "try to kill yourself, if you're a boring white girl it doesn't count as suicide!" message. And so on.

And you know, the first book of a series can sometimes be slow to introduce the plot, though usually not as horribly slow as Twishite. But this one is even MORE plotless, and since Smeyer can't bear to actually write in any REAL obstacles, she comes up with a lot of fake ones that could be over in about five minutes if anyone in this book had a BRAIN.

And while you could ignore the "This is so totally like P&P u guyz!" attempts in the first book, Smeyer just beats you violently over the head with the poor Romeo and Juliet parallels which make no sense when you actually stop and think about them.

This book should be napalmed.


And you know what?

We are only HALFWAY though this giant steaming cowpie of a series. And trust me, it's going to get worse before it gets better... unless I die of alcohol poisoning.

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