Beauty Chapter 1

Once upon a time I’d had no one to go home to after a crime scene, but that was back in the day when

… the series was merely bad instead of legendarily awful.


I’d done nothing but hunt bad guys and raise zombies.

"Now I fuck effeminate men for a living and occasionally posture in front of the cops. Damn, I'm awesome."

So Anita gives us the backstory of her job… even though if you've read this far into the series, you know perfectly well what she is. Blah blah, she was grandfathered into the marshals even though the marshals should have their OWN division of vampire hunters who, you know, aren't totally evil and corrupt.

And since LKH has a ladyboner for any job that actually involves danger, Anita boasts that she has a FOR REELZ COP BADGE and stuff! Personally I think they just gave her a toy one, and she didn't know the difference.



Technically she still raises zombies and could be making better money at it, but her reasoning is that people didn’t usually die if I missed an appointment to raise a zombie for a historical society so they could question it on the accuracy of some battle information. Um, they don't usually die if she misses a police appointment either. In most of these police investigations Anita's as much use as a third shoe, and they only call her in AFTER someone has died. Oh wait, where is my common sense? The entire policing world wouldn't be able to figure out complicated stuff like "those marks in the neck mean it's a vampire!"

And honestly, raising zombies for a historical society is kind of awesome, theoretically. At least unlike most stuff we see in the Anitaverse, it's something that MIGHT ACTUALLY HAPPEN.


This was one of those nights, and according to the schedule,

1. HO-LEE FUCK. So now she's openly admitting that Anita has so many boytoys that she needs a schedule to figure out who she's going to fuck on any given night? What spontaneity!
2. I think it probably takes a little of the oomph from Anita's claims to lurv and desire every single one when she has to pencil them in.
3. And she probably has to rejigger the schedule every time she adds a new penis to the harem.

Man, can you imagine her schedule?

Time	What Anita's Doing
7 AM	Fuck Nathaniel
8 AM	Fuck Micah
9 AM	Fuck Wicked
10 AM	Reject clients at Animators Inc.
11 AM	Fuck JC
12 PM	Fuck Asher
1 PM	Fuck underage boytoy
2 PM	Lunch. Sneer at blondes.
3 PM	Fuck Damien
4 PM	Fuck that swan guy
5 PM	Wander in and out of crime scenes dressed like a really desperate prostitute.
6 PM	Fuck Asher and JC at the same time.
7 PM	Fight with Richard/fuck Richard
8 PM	Fuck Nathaniel and Micah, then watch them fuck each other.
9 PM	Fuck whoever hasn't done it with me yet.
10 PM	Whine about how other people see me, and be reassured that I'm perfect.
11 PM	Watch youtube videos of evil vampires being evil.

I was coming home to Jean-Claude, the master vampire of St. Louis, and one of my main squeezes.

I will credit LKH: she did not say "sweeties." I hate that word. "Squeeze" isn't much better, but it is better.


We’d been dating for seven years, sometimes on-again, off-again, but for the last few years it had been very on.

We've been on ever since he blackmailed me by threatening to kill my OTHER lover if I didn't, and that was so hot that I ended up cheating on my other lover with him and then getting infected by a supernatural rape power! We have the best relationship!


but trust me when I say vampires aren’t dead. They are undead, and that is way more lively than a lot of human men I’ve known.

1. How would Anita know how lively human men are? She's fucked exactly ONE human man in her entire life.
2. No, I'm not kidding. That is the actual number.
3. And even if we're not talking about sex, Anita has… perhaps TWO men she knows who could potentially sorta kinda count as friends. Maybe. Sorta. Kinda.
4. And here's a fun detail: vampires ARE dead. "Undead" is basically just a word to describe something that is dead, but doesn't stay in the ground.
5. So yes, they are dead. Deal with it.
6. And for some reason she doesn't tell us HOW those men are more lively. I assume by that she means every single vampire is only interested in super-kinky sex, and they ALWAYS want sex with her alone.

I’ve always had better luck dating the “monsters” than the humans.

Possibly because she's dated exactly one human in her life. He dumped her. Lucky man.


Some people say that’s because I’m one of the monsters.

Oh, I wouldn't say anything so simplistic. I'd say that she only dates monsters because humans

1. don't have societal structures that allow you to easily become a homicidal tyrant who can kill/torture all who oppose you.
2. don't worship bitchy, cruel tyrants merely because they pretend to be men.
3. don't have magical powers that your vagina can harvest to make you the most powerful creature ever.

So yeah, it's pretty obvious why Anita only dates monsters.

And now it's time for another one of those priceless quotes that linger on in your brain. In the same category as "Dear negative reader," or "evil chocolate" or "Fuck me while I'm tight"...

We have this:


Some days I think they’re right, but other days I think they’re just jealous whiner babies.



Yes, LKH just called everybody who criticizes her Sue a "jealous whiner baby." Well, none of us evil tall blonde skinny haterz could possibly argue with that brilliant rebuttal.

So Anita whines for awhile about how people only hate her because she's short, sexy and has a harem. No, there are plenty of reasons to hate her that have nothing to do with her height, genitals or how many people stick things in them.


A lot of the shit I got was because I was a petite, attractive woman who slept with a lot of men, not casually, but on a regular I-date-you-basis.

Yes, it's SO non-casual that she regularly shags people she doesn't even know. But as long as she claims she "loves" them (even if she doesn't know their names), it's not "casual."


If I’d been a man I honestly think a lot of the complaining wouldn’t have happened.

No, actually I'd still hate Anita for being a hypocritical, racist, foul-mouthed, whiny, demanding, grasping, sexist pain-in-the-ass who rapes and murders people. I assure you, I also hate men who are like that.

Small tip, LKH: you can't just play the gender card in every situation and expect people to fall in line.


Some people, including other women, still think we should be waiting for Prince Charming so we can ride off into the sunset of happily-ever-after-land.

Pshaw! What an idea! Anita was waiting for SEVERAL Prince Charmings… or rather, Prince Wimps… to make her life all butterflies and sunshine. She's a feminist, see!


This was one princess who could rescue her own damn self.

… except, you know, whenever she gets an ouchie-boo-boo or needs to be rescued by the cops.


I was fine with the prince fighting at my side,



Right, because THAT happens. I must have repressed memories of the dozens of times Anita's boytoys have fought alongside her… or maybe I'm just remembering then wailing, "Save me, oh strong and manly Anita! I'm too pathetically helpless to do anything myself!"


or, hell, I’d rescue him if he needed it.

Then he'd be SO grateful that he'd devote his entire life to fawning over me, telling me my shit doesn't stink, and pimping me out so I can get porked by as many men as possible!


But I was so not the passive, wait-for-my-one-true-love type,

… because yeah, she totally pursued JC when she decided he was sexy. Oh wait, she insisted she would totally never hook up him with, and then sat there while he humped her leg for several books.


I’d found several men who loved me for being the stubborn, messy, violent, sexually-aggressive woman that I am.

This is the breed of man known as Fuckedupitus Bisexualis Bishie, of the kingdom Castratus Wussia. They exist primarily in Sue series, and are known for being enamored of women who have no redeeming characteristics, and praising massive personality defects as being virtues.

For example, a normal man would be horrified if a woman tore the heart out of a living, thinking, feeling creature. A Fuckedupitus Bisexualis Bishie will instead praise her for this. Or a normal man might be annoyed by a woman's tendency to whine and misplace blame whenever she causes a problem, but a Fuckedupitus Bisexualis Bishie will find this charming and cute.

The female version of this is known as the Bella Cygnus, of the kingdom Antifeministicis Stepfordus.



So in case Anita hasn't beat us over the head with how badass she thinks she is, she insists that she can't just hop into her sexytime undies. No, she has a dangerous sexy deadly sexy life of danger, so she's always getting yucky things on her.


And even for a vampire, old blood and guts of someone I’d killed was not an aphrodisiac, and honestly it bothered me more than it bothered him.

… so it isn't an aphrodesiac, but he doesn't really care either. Does this sentence make ANY sense to anybody?

We're also told that Anita now keeps her hundreds of guns that she hardly ever uses in a gun safe, because there are too many people wandering around who are stupid enough to stick those guns up their noses and pull the trigger. I suspect Anita is one of them, and most of the other non "gun-savvy" people are her boytoys.

I mean seriously. Who knows about Nathaniel and totally doesn't think he'd try to fellate a gun?


Hell, we had some with toddlers.

… huh? What kind of insane person brings a toddler into the Circus of the Damned?

Aside from the fact that you have oversexed oft-naked vampires at every turn, there are also creepy child-vampires who like to transform OTHER small children, there are screaming sexathons in most rooms, there are supposed to be dangerous creatures roaming around (remember the snake? The lamia?), and the populace regularly has orgies. Sometimes involving people who haven't even given consent.

And that's not even getting into the creepy sexualized way Anita interacts with small children.

WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU BRING A CHILD INTO A PLACE LIKE THAT?!?!?! WHY DON'T YOU DROP THEM OFF AT THE BROTHEL ACROSS THE STREET? OR A CRACK HOUSE? OR A CRACKHOUSE BROTHEL?! IT'S MORE CHILD-FRIENDLY!

Also, how many people does Anita know who have toddlers? I can only think of one, namely Monica, who was last seen in Bullet being an evil blonde thin hater who dared to tell tough manly Anita… the TRUTH.


Toddlers and guns do not mix.

Really? then I shall have to mosey down to the daycare and take back all those AK-47s that I gave the kiddies there. Too bad, they really liked them, especially when they got to kill their teacher. Thank you for enlightening me, LKH!

So since there are toddlers inexplicably toddling around private bedrooms full of used sex toys and guns, Anita only keeps the 452 guns on her person out in public. Yeah, because a child couldn't grab one of the guns that is constantly poking out of her clothes.



...







...







By now you're probably wondering when the filler is going to stop and the real story starts.



Instead LKH rhapsodizes about JC's swimming-pool sized bathtub and the superspeshul plumbing he put in. Yes, even his plumbing is Suey. Even though, you know, he's a vampire and there's no evidence he actually needs to bathe, let alone in a eco-monster like this one. Seriously, can you imagine how much water he wastes?


I walked naked and armed into the bathroom with just the Browning BDM in my hand.

And if you think that walking into the bathroom with a gun leads to something… I can assure you, it doesn't. In fact, Anita admits that this is pointless, but she's soooooooo super-awesome and badass that she can't even go into the bathroom without having a gun ready to blow out the brains of anyone who happens to be sitting on the crapper!

And Jean-Claude's bathroom is as pretentious and ugly as you'd expect - it's all black, it's got sex mirrors, and did I mention that the bathtub is specially made so they can fuck?

And now it's time for what is allegedly the sexiest Frenchman in history.



I wish. At least he's entertaining.

No, it's time for ol' Cantaloupe Crotch, who is basically like Pepe Le Pew but with a giant penis.



And now we get the descriptions of him that we get in every book - blahblahblah cross scar, black hair, white skin, girly face, etc. It's literally just like every other description in every other Anita Blake story.


They always looked blue, but they were so dark.

So… they were dark blue. Whoopee.


Midnight blue with their double edge of black eyelashes like dark lace to frame the deepest blue I’d ever seen in anyone’s eyes.

That's three for the "blue" count. Take three shots!


His eyes were a blue like deep ocean water,

Fourth shot!

His eyes were blue like a big blue thing wot is blue! His eyes were blue like blueberries surrounded by lace! His eyes were blue like the Tick!



I need to stop with the pop culture references. All it's doing is reminding me how much more I'd rather be watching cartoons. And how much better written they are than this.


where it runs cold and will eventually spill down into something warm and mysterious,

…. like WHAT? The ocean tends to get COLDER when you go "down," not warmer. And nothing in the ocean "spills," you dumb bitch.


where creatures the light has never seen live and thrive.



Yeah, thats EXACTLY what I want to think about when gazing into a hot guy's eyes.

So we're told how much JC lusts after Anita, and Anita lusts after him, and she's amazed how much he still lusts after her and it's like it's all brand new and blah blah blah. You know, for someone who insists that she totally isn't into all the Prince-Charming-on-a-white-horse shit, Anita sure is happy to introduce all the unrealistic cliches of a romance novel.


You’d think I’d get used to seeing such a beautiful man and knowing he was mine, but it never grew old, as if his beauty and the fact that he was mine, and I was his, would forever surprise me.

A sane man would have dumped my lumpy ass years ago, once he actually got to know me. But for some reason, this schmuck kept coming back for more punishment!


I walked toward him like I had a purpose, because I did.

Then why bother telling us?!

So we're told for a whole paragraph about how they're lusting, and they're smiling… and for the prelude of a sex scene, it's more boring than words can tell you. The only thing worse than an LKH sex scene is all the talking and negotiating that goes on beforehand. And the whining that goes on afterwards.


How could small-town, middle-class me keep the interest of this man, this centuries-old vampire, who had seduced his way across Europe and at least half of America?

Now don't be silly, Anita. The answer is simple! You're a poorly-written Sue whose magical vagina entrances all men despite the fact that you have the personality of a rotting maggot-infested jackal, written by a woman who is clearly living out her many sexual fantasies through you (including the ridiculous fantasy of being the "right woman" to tame a bad boy).

See how simple the answer is?

Also, it's pretty insulting to question that someone from a small town, or someone middle-class, could be considered attractive enough to keep a rake. Does LKH think that only upper-class people are attractive, or that only urban people can keep someone's interest? What a snob.



But since LKH actually believes that Anita is attractive, JC rushes to tell her that she's the sexiest thing ever: “How can you doubt your beauty even now?”

Here's an interesting detail: she wasn't doubting her beauty. She was doubting why small-town, middle-class me would be able to keep the interest of a notorious seducer.. unless LKH thinks that sex appeal is all that's needed to keep someone interested long-term, which is VERY untrue. If you're an amazing lay and gorgeous, but are also stupid, boring and annoying… you're gonna get fucked and dumped.

So Anita chastises him for reading her mind, and JC says that he just read her body language. Whatever, it's not like Anita ever changes expression.



He laughed, and it was that touchable, hold it in your hand and let it melt into your skin sound that made me shiver.

Either use quotation marks or hyphens, you friggin' idiot.


“So cheating,” I said.
“It would only be cheating if I was using it to seduce you. You want to be here with me. I do not have to use tricks.”

1. I swear I have read some variation of this scene at least once before.
2. Possibly twice.
3. This entire story is a giant mass of seething, oozing deja vu.
4. Also, what thirtysomething woman says "So cheating"? She sounds like a fifth-grader…. and a bratty one at that!

So Anita decides to bitch about it, because… apparently being bitchy and whiny makes you sound tough.


It was hard to argue, though part of me wanted to out of habit.

But being whiny and argumentative is part of her winsome charm!


I finally let it go, shook my head, and smiled. “Fine, yes, you don’t have to seduce me anymore, I’m pretty much as seduced as I can get.”

"Like, can you stop being sexy and stuff? You're so annoying."


“That cynical expression, even now, it is very you, ma petite.”

WHAT cynical expression? The smile she mentioned one sentence ago?!

In fact, Anita notes her cynical expression (what does a cynical expression even look like?) and smiles. Even though she was already smiling. EDITOR?! Why didn't you do your job? Oh wait, it's because he/she DID do his/her job, and this garbage got tossed out.

Just for laughs, I googled "cynical expression." Here's the top response:



Yes, that sort of expression is just so charming. And sexy.

And now it's time for Anita to do her usual whine about how she doesn't look like Heidi Klum… which, for some reason, LKH seems to think most white people do. Maybe in her fantasy world, the Nazis conquered the US and filled it with perfect Aryan specimens. That is the ONLY explanation I can come up with for why she thinks the norm is to be tall, slender and blonde, and if you deviate from the "white" norm, then you are "ethnic" and will be scorned and hated.

Planet Earth to Laurell K. Hamilton: there are a lot of white women who have dark hair, curves and/or short height. Your average height, average hair and average build are AVERAGE.


He thought I was beautiful, and that always surprised me, too. I’d had so many people tell me I wasn’t when I was growing up, that not being tall, Nordic, blonde, and blue-eyed made me like some small, dark blot on the family tree.

1. Yeah… I call bullshit.
2. Anita's never mentioned any such insults before. Well, IIRC - although I can't remember every fucking whine she makes in the whole series.
3. And how often do you hear about people discriminating against a hair color? Skin color, yes, but not hair color.
4. And lest you think "dark" refers to Anita's skin…. no. She's so white her skin could blind you in bright sunlight.
5. Can you seriously imagine someone just randomly saying to a kid, "You're ugly, because you're not tall, blonde and blue-eyed. You're a blot on your family tree! Ugh!"?
6. Because I can't. It's totally RANDOM.
7. And given what a pain-in-the-ass Anita is, I suspect that adults could criticize her in all sorts of different ways WITHOUT mentioning her looks.
8. Maybe that's what happened. Maybe someone told Anita she was a rotten little brat, and she interpreted it as "You hate me because I'm not tall and blonde! Oh angst!"
9. And notice how despite whining about the evil tall blonde people and how evilly blonde they were to poor wittle dark-haired her, her "family tree" excludes her Mexican side.

In fact, the only real mentions of what an angsty outsider Anita was in her family was that her Evilly Blonde Stepmother mentioned to visitors that Anita wasn't her biological child. Of course Anita took this as meaning that her stepmother hated her and didn't want to be associated with her because she was part Mexican… even though a person with a brain would figure, "Hey, maybe she doesn't want people to think she's been cheating on her blonde husband!"

Frankly, it just sounds like Anita is wangsting about what an outsider she is because… she has no REAL source of angst. Her mother died when she was young, and Anita claims this scarred her for life… but she doesn't even remember when she looked like. She got a stepmother who by her own account has been nothing but loving and kind to her, but she detests the woman for being female, blonde and "girlie." She had a great relationship with her father, but also has a massive Electra complex and has never forgiven daddy for remarrying years after his wife's death. And her upbringing was pretty much peaceful and normal.

Basically this is another opportunity for LKH to whine about how her grandmother said she wasn't pretty when she was a kid. Grow up. You're almost fifty.

And given how incredibly RACIST Anita is, I'm not exactly weeping for her pain over being told that dark hair is ugly in a world that had Elizabeth Taylor, Audrey Hepburn and Sophia Loren.



Yeah, I'm sure people were constantly talking about how ugly those women were for having dark hair.

I'm particularly unwilling to feel bad for poor wittle dark-haired Anita because she has boasted of discriminating against OTHER women based entirely on hair color. So I'm supposed to feel bad for her… why? Because she's a hypocrite?

/rant

So Anita thinks about how gorgeous she is, and she and JC make out in a very romance-novelly way. The only thing that sticks out is Anita claiming that because JC's SO much taller than her, my naughty bits were pressed against him, his were still inches below mine. Yeah, she just stated that she had wrapped her legs around his waist. Does she think that tall men's penises are located around their knees?

Also, "naughty bits" just makes me think of… Monty Python. That is not sexy.

Seriously, LKH writes PORN - why can't she bring herself to use ANY word to actually refer to "naughty bits"? Like, say, "dick" or "cock" or even the more clinical "PENIS"? Every time she has to mention genitals, she titters and uses some G-rated phrase like "his body."



Then Asher waltzes in, and Anita immediately points a gun at him. I wonder how many innocent people she's killed because they didn't knock before coming through a door.

Oh, and Asher is wearing a blue tux, blue tie and blue top hat.





….






….






Sir, the fashion police would like to have a word with you.

And no, it's never explained why the hell he's dressed up like a fop in an musical comedy. I guess we're supposed to be too aroused by his outfit to ask any questions.

And in case you're hoping this is the Asher who doesn't take Anita's shit and occasionally tells her to fuck off because she's ruining his life…. no. It isn't. This is Stepford Asher, who is just THRILLED to be second fiddle to a psychotic megalomaniac.


He pressed my palm to his chest and I felt the slow, thick rhythm of his heart. “It beats for the two of you, both of you,” he said, smiling.

Scuse me, I need to barf. Does anyone have a reservoir handy?

And now we're infodumped about how once JC and Asher had a menage a trois with a woman named Julianna, and we've been told this at least sixty times so I won't bother to recount it. Suffice to say, Julianna sounds a LOT nicer than Anita, and it baffles me how these guys could even compare Anita to her.


Now, they were together again with me

And for some reason, they keep waking up and saying, "Oh shit" when they see me.


“I just wasn’t sure how soon you’d be coming, that’s all.”
“Oh, I’ll be coming, but not too soon.”



Har har. In case you're wondering, the French vampires are supposed to be the epitome of class and elegance.

But since Anita is so VERY chaste, she blushes at a joke about jizzing. Yes, the woman who rhapsodizes about gobbling cock and flashes her genitals at total strangers is too shy to hear a dirty JOKE.


“We both prefer our women a little innocent.”

So why are they bonking Anita?

So Asher pulls off his pants so he can show off his thong. Classy.


He lay soft, not ready between his legs.

1. What, is he a contortionist?
2. Or does he have a tiny squishy clone of himself that is sitting on his dick?
3. SAY "PENIS." How can a fifty-ish twice-married Wiccan woman who is ALWAYS talking about sex with her hubby not be willing to say "penis"?
4. Especially when she writes bad porn where characters have super-srs discussions about anal?
5. SAY "PENIS!"

JC notes that Asher hasn't fed, which we know because LKH's vampires can't get it up until they suck blood. Asher's goopy reply: “I knew I would have Anita waiting for me, why would I want to feed on anyone else?” Do you want the abridged list, or the complete list?

And you might think that Anita would respond with, "Tough luck" since she insisted that she was "not food" to JC earlier in the series, and flipped out at Asher for biting her after she asked him to. But no, she's just fine with Asher drinking her blood because… he can give you orgasms with his bite. Yeah. When two dudes are about to schtup you, that seems a little redundant.

So Asher hops in the bathtub and starts playing with his dick… which I think is meant to be sexy, but it just comes across as boring and a little creepy.

This is basically so Anita can infodump us AGAIN HOLY CRAP HALF THIS "STORY" AND I USE THE TERM LOOSELY IS JUST ANITA COMPLAINING AND GIVING BACKSTORY...



Okay, I'm fine. She tells us YET AGAIN how Asher is scarred from being tortured by the Inquisition, but Anita and JC are the only ones who think he's beautiful despite his scars, and Anita is SUCH a saint and blah blah blah. She literally uses the same phrases as in previous books.

So they have a boring conversation about how Anita thinks he's sexy, and how there are people out there who are so shallow that they don't think Asher is sexy. Here's a question: if only shallow people have a problem with Asher's scars…. then how come Anita makes a HUGE point of mentioning them every time he appears?


The possibilities with both Asher and Jean-Claude in the tub with me were almost endless.

We could role-play as Dorothy, Scarecrow and the Cowardly Lion!


Anticipation began to do a lot of the prep work for me.

Because nothing is sexier than referring to vaginal lubrication as "prep work." Especially when it makes me think of prepping for surgery. Ew.

So Anita practically swims in the tub, which is ridiculously deep. I mean swimming pool deep. DO THEY EVEN MAKE TUBS THIS BIG?!


“Who’s topping whom tonight?” Asher asked...
“I thought we’d top ma petite together,” Jean-Claude said.

Can someone tell me… WHY DOES EVERY SEX SCENE HAVE TO HAVE "TOPPING"?! Why can't they just have sex?!

So Anita whines that she's so modest she doesn't want her boobies on display, but she also wants the men to stare at them. Tip for LKH: You cannot be super-modest AND a hosebeast at the same time. It doesn't work.


I said the only thing I could think to say.

"Pudding."