Friday, August 7, 2015

Hit List Chapter 7

Anita wakes up, and immediately knows that she is not in her Montana-sized bed with her mewling boytoys. Why? Because the only person in bed with her is wearing clothes, and there's country music playing. I mean, nobody Anita listens to would listen to something as UN-DARKANDEDGY as country. They would only listen to something COOL and HIP like Linkin Park!

no one I slept with wore clothes to bed.

Even if it's the dead of winter and they're not fucking anyone that night, NOBODY would be as… UNSEXY as to wear a T-shirt!

So Edward answers the phone, and Anita immediately assumes that there must have been another murder. No, it's something far, far worse: A WOMAN. A BLONDE woman. A blonde woman who doesn't joyfully serve up her boyfriend's dick on a silver platter for Anita's collection!

Donna is understandably pissed about hearing that her boyfriend is in bed with a renowned hosebeast, and she's not impressed by his brilliant explanation that there was only one bed so they HAD to sleep together. Duh!

“There was only one bed.”
I buried my face in the pillow. That was so not the answer he should have given.

… why not? Because it might be a reasonable excuse if Donna was stupid and didn't know that hotel rooms tend to have TWO beds. It's a better excuse than the REAL reason.

And yes, there IS a good reason for this whole scene. It's to establish that "girlie" women - particularly blonde ones like Donna - are irrational overemotional jealous harpies who have a vise-like grip on their men's balls, and are totally jealous of the woman that their boyfriends work with. Which is SO totally not like Anita. Even if, you know, they're sleeping in the same beds as said women, and said women are known skanks who collect men like Pokemon cards. I mean, just LOOK at what a needy pain in the ass Donna is!

Edward proves that they totally had a good reason by sending Donna a picture of the bed in front of the window.

A few minutes later she asked, “Why is the bed in front of the window?”
“So that if the vampires and wereanimals we’re hunting tried to break in, the bed would slow them down enough for us to start shooting.”

"Sweetie, you told me that vampires and wereanimals are so strong that they could just rip right through the wall at light speed, so a mattress wouldn't slow them down at all."
"… oh look! Federal Marshal stuff I have to do RIGHT NOW!"
"You did this just to get in bed with Anita, right?"
"Well, every guy and his dog has been in bed with Anita. I was feeling left out."

Edward gives her the sum-up of what happened the previous night, and then Donna asks to talk to Anita.

I shook my head vigorously, No.

"I can't talk to a GURL! Her pink frilly femmyness might rub off on me! UGH! She thinks she can talk to me just cuz we both have OVARIES!"

No, actually Donna is inquiring about who has been hurt, and shows concern for Karlton because of her own previous experience with werewolves. Honestly this whole conversation just reinforces that despite LKH/Anita's obvious disdain for Donna, Donna is clearly a very nice, kind, unselfish person who shows concern even for people whom she doesn't know.

Anita, on the other hand, is shown to be a kind, loving, caring person because… she offers Mafia-like "protection" to any group that has sexy males for her to enslave and "feed" off of. And sometimes rape. And occasionally kill.

as I said, “Hey, Donna.”
“Are you all right?”
“I’m fine.”

"Except I'm talking to a GIRL with COOTIES!"

So Anita gives curt, generic answers to Donna… and honestly, I don't know why this conversation is in here, except to reaffirm that Edward has a girlfriend. We are given a little exposition about how Donna's husband was killed by a werewolf, and her son killed the werewolf after that.

Peter was seventeen now, and in a lot of ways he seemed more Edward’s son than Donna’s.

Which makes it TOTALLY okay that Edward, who isn't even his STEPFATHER, takes a minor off on dangerous missions to kill people without his mother's knowledge or permission. It's okay! Because he's more Edward's son than Donna's, and that TOTALLY gives him the right!

Peter, by the way, is on the shortlist for Anita's new boytoy, since she likes them younger and younger.

“Donna trusts you.”
“She trusts me to keep you alive. She doesn’t trust me with you.”
“She doesn’t trust any woman with me. She’s a little insecure in that area.”

BOOOOO! Gurls suck! They're totally jealous of awesome manly-men like Anita! Anita would never be so insecure that she'd need constant reassurance from her vast harem of fawning girly-men that she's the most alluring woman in the world and that they'll never want any woman in the world except her! She's too tuff and manly to ever be insecure!

“You give her reason to be.”
“No, insecure people don’t need an excuse to distrust. It’s just what they do.”

BOOO! DONNA SUCKS! She's blonde and girly and stuff! Anita's too manly to ever be an insecure whining mess!

And note how LKH sneers at Donna assuming that her fiance being in bed with a noted hosebeast means something sexual might have happened. Yes, clearly only neurotic insecure losers would assume that two people (one a renowned slut) sleeping in the same bed means possible sex. Then again, Anita is stupid enough to assume that three bisexual men naked in one bed are just cuddling, so...

“You’re polyamorous, which means many loves?”
“I’ve never actually called myself that.”

Possibly because she's NOT polyamorous. Having a harem is not polyamory.

“You’re living with multiple men, and sleeping with more, and everyone knows about it—that’s about as poly as you can get, Anita.”


What she has is basically polyandry, or multiple husbands/male lovers who are faithful to her while she fucks around. Yes, we occasionally hear of sexual contact between the men or whatever, but it's ONLY for Anita's enjoyment, and it's ONLY with her sole approval. Not the approval of the other men or girlfriends or whatever - just Anita. And no women except Anita are introduced into this little "polyamorous" group.

Polyamory involves sexual relationships between multiple people, but not in the way that the Anita harem is. EVERYBODY has the same status in the mass relationship, and EVERYBODY gets to be involved with others as long as they fit into the group. It doesn't all revolve around one needy, whiny person, either sexually or emotionally, and no one person gets power over the other people's lives.

THIS is polyamory:

THIS is polygamy:

Guess which one of those two scenarios has one domineering douchebag who expects fidelity from a bunch of others, while getting to acquire new sex partners whenever he wants.

No, Anita is not polyamorous. A harem is NEVER polyamorous.

“None of your men can be insecure or they couldn’t be poly with you.”

… why not? Because Anita's fucking around on each one? Well, that might be true except that Anita's men like to pimp her out.

“Oh, no, don’t believe that there’s no insecurity. There is. The hardest part about having this many loves in my life is the emotional upkeep. Trust me, we all have our issues.”

"They're all SO needy and emotionally broken that they constantly need me to tell them how sexy I think they are, and because I'm SUCH a wonderful person, this immediately makes them feel great! Then I have sex with them, and they tell me that I'm the sexiest most beautiful smartest awesomest most loving person in the WORLD!"

“I guess I just thought that you had to be completely secure to be in a relationship like that.”

Yes, say goodbye to the last shreds of Edward's coolness. He's sitting here talking about relationship confidence with Whorenita.

“No one is completely secure, Edward.”
“Not even your Master of the City?”
“No, not even Jean-Claude,” I said.

"Of course, I'm the ONLY person who makes him insecure, because I'm so smart and strong and tuff!"

And now it's time for... AWKWARDNESS.

Basically, the conversation is that Anita isn't comfortable seeing Edward naked because he hasn't yet gone into the Nether Realms of Pain And Emasculation. I think we're supposed to marvel at how modest and virginal Anita is despite getting repeatedly banged by soda-bottle-sized penii and rhapsodizing about how much she loves to gobble cock and watch guys bang each other.

“You live with shapeshifters, and they go around nude all the time.”
“Seeing my friends and lovers nude is fine, but seeing you nude, no.”

I freely admit to being so prudish that I do not, nor have ever had a harem of bishiemen. But I like to think that, hypothetically, seeing men I find sexually alluring and have actually had sex with would have more of an effect than a guy I supposedly have no romantic interest in WHATSOEVER. I mean, say I was having a torrid affair with Ewan McGregor, Orlando Bloom and Viggo Mortensen, and then I saw Russell Crowe (who I don't have the hots for at all) naked. Why would I be all embarrassed and shy?

Oh wait, I'm forgetting something: Anita is attracted to all were/vampire/serial-killer dick.

Yes, despite all the claims that ANITA IS SO TOTALLY NOT GOING TO BONE EDWARD NEVER GONNA HAPPEN NOPE NO WAY NADA, this book is totally setting that up. This entire scene is all about clumsy sexual tension, and an even clumsier way of getting Anita and Edward into a bed together. YOU DO NOT DO THAT IF IT DOESN'T LEAD SOMEWHERE.

It's this simple: Characters who genuinely aren't going to get together and have absolutely no interest in doing so don't end up awkwardly lying in the same bed, making such a big deal about how they so totally can't help it. Why? Because it's totally… completely… POINTLESS.

Then again, this is a book which is now in Chapter 7, and six of those chapters have been nothing but people talking about stuff that nobody actually cares about. So maybe it IS all pointless, and LKH is just doing whatever sitcom cliches she can dredge up to fill up space.

Up next: Anita and her harem will move into a spacious yet cheap apartment in New York, only to have the sexually-repressed federal marshals move in across the hall! HILARIOUS HIJINKS ENSUE! It's like Friends, but with more booty shorts and floor-length hair!

“If I’m having sex with someone it’s okay to see them nude, but if sex isn’t an option, then no nudity.”

…. I'm sorry, I still don't get it. I can understand a sense of modesty in SOME SITUATIONS, like in public or in front of people you don't know well…. but we know from experience that Anita doesn't really care about context. And I can understand not having a problem with seeing people you've seen nude…. well, nude.

But I don't understand the whole idea of pretending to be super-modest around someone you're not attracted to, because in American society we tend to equate nudity with sexuality…. so if you don't find someone sexy, I don't see why seeing them naked and being naked in front of them would somehow be more embarrassing than seeing your ass-naked stripper boyfriends

I mean, I'm straight and I've been naked around other naked women (usually while changing clothes). Were they embarrassed? Was I embarrassed? No. Because there wasn't any reason to be. We didn't view each other in a potential sexual way, so… you know, I think most people understand what I'm talking about.

And no, I don't buy for a second the idea that Anita Blake is shy about getting her enormous ass and tits out in front of ANYONE. Especially a person with a penis.

He laughed, abrupt and surprised. “You’re still a prude, and you always will be.”

No, she's not.

  • prude (Old French prude meaning honourable woman)[1] is a person who is described as (or would describe themselves as) being concerned with decorum or propriety, significantly in excess of normal prevailing community standards. They may be perceived as being more uncomfortable than most with sexuality or nudity.

There is absolutely NOTHING in that definition - or any other definition that I could find - that fits Anita Blake. This is a character who once had screaming, smashing, carpet-soaking sex with her barely-legal sexually-abused stripper boytoy IN HER OFFICE while her clients and coworkers were right outside.

Oh wait, I forgot. Anita is virginal and chaste because she only fucks the dozens of men she LOVES and the dozens more than the ardont/MOAD forces her to fuck. She's practically a virgin! Because that is (no joke) the definition of chastity in the Anitaverse: fucking ONLY dozens of men instead of HUNDREDS.

For some reason, Edward thinks this is funny. I guess theoretically it is.

“Glad I could amuse you after less than two hours of sleep,” I said, arms crossed under my breasts in his oversized T-shirt.

Holy shit! LKH is channeling the spirit of Robert Jordan and his constant references to sulky bratty women crossing their arms under their boobs!

“I guess you’re right,” he said, as he walked past me. “Everyone has their issues.”

"For instance, you have penis envy, an Electra complex, gynophobia… seriously, you're like a walking shrink convention. Your bipolar thoughts on nudity are the least of your problems!"

So then Anita realizes that teehee, all her clothes are back in her room, so hopefully forensics is done with it. Otherwise, she has two options:

  1. Wander around Seattle in nothing but a T-shirt, which will dazzle all the men with how hot she is and how little she cares about clothes (since men LIKE women to dress like slobs).
  2. Send out Edward to buy clothes for her. I'm sure he'd only buy clothes that are two or three sizes too small, forcing her boobs to spill out of her top and her teeny micromini to barely cover up the town bike seat.

Frankly, those seem equally likely.

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