Monday, August 17, 2015

LKH Blogflog: Haters

I have to get something off my chest: I hate the word "haters."

Seriously, it's a word that little kids and reality "stars" use, usually because they can't come up with a decent rebuttal to someone's criticisms. It's what Internet trolls call you if you criticize their favorite overripe pop star or douchebag actor.

It's a stupid, stupid word for stupid people who can't debate, acknowledge flaws or acknowledge others' difference of opinion. And it's usually by people who can't comprehend that someone, somewhere might dislike something without being jealous and/or devoted to hatred for its own sake. So I pretty much disregard the opinion of anyone who uses it.

Of course, authors wanking on the web love to use it. I'm amazed Anne Rice, E. L. James and Stephenie Meyer haven't openly used this word too.

They will hate you.

And after what you did to their creamed spinach, they will be right to.

Someone, somewhere, sometime, will hate you.

Ah, now I get it. This was posted less than a week after Beauty came out, and all but the most devoted of gushing fans said that it was unworthy, mainly because you were paying three bucks for a by-the-numbers sex scene that could have been cut-and-pasted from any AB novel.

So in other words, rather than acknowledging that she shouldn't have released the chapter in exchange for money, and that it wasn't worth the cost to her fans… she just dismisses it because the critics OBVIOUSLY just hate her because… because.

It is going to happen at some point in your life, probably several times.

Are we talking about muscle cramps?

You can’t be nice enough, or good enough, or scary enough, or bully enough, to prevent them from hating you.

Yes, that's a healthy and normal response to negativity. Just assume that they detest you for no reason at all, so obviously it's not YOUR fault, and therefore you don't have to actually examine yourself or change your ways. They hate you for no reason and they won't stop no matter what you do, so don't bother actually becoming a better person!

And I love how she mentions "scary enough" or "bully enough."

  1. The way she says "bully enough" makes me think of Theodore Roosevelt. Who was awesome. I mean, dude got shot in the chest during a speech and DIDN'T STOP. Didn't whine and moan about it either.
  2. Does LKH think that she is scary or a credible bully?
  3. I mean, her Sue is allegedly "scary," but she breaks down in tears if anyone says something slightly mean to her. She can only bully people who are more fragile than paper lanterns.
  4. And LKH herself was sent scuttling away in a panic because of a flower delivery van.

Why will they hate you?

Because you write terrible mastubatory Sue porn?

So many reasons, here are just a few.

First, my love for Michael Bay. Second, my repeated attempts to style myself after the Real Housewives. Third, my insistence on wearing thong bikinis while shopping for groceries.

They may hate you for the color of your skin, your sexual orientation,

Those aren't "hates" that randomly pop up for no reason. They're taught and learned.

Also, this is pretty rich coming from Hamilton. Much virtual ink has been devoted to the racist depictions of people in her books - she's one of the rare authors who manages to be racist against almost everybody. She's also a massive heterophobe AND homophobe, since she thinks straight people are evil bigoted assholes and that gay men are swishy and just need the right vagina to screw them into bisexuality. Until she became bisexual... and became a biphobe too.


that you’re prettier than they are, that you’re uglier than they are,

OMG liek i totally hate u cuz ur prettier/uglier than me. This iz liek totally liek criticizing a hak author for writing awful vampyr p0rn!

more popular, less popular,

Does LKH still attend high school? Seriously, of ALL the reasons to dislike someone, this is what she chooses?

your religion, your lack of religion,

Which would be a more effective argument if she hadn't taken repeated shits on Christians in the past for… not being Wiccan.

that you’re more successful than they are, that you’re less successful than they are,

Why would you hate someone for not being as successful as you are? I can understand jealousy in the first case, but the second sounds more like it'd inspire pity.

that you are a better athlete than they will ever be, that you’re a worse athlete than they are now,

… Is she choosing this stuff at random? Or is she convinced that we're all jealous of her ability to injure herself in mixed martial arts class?

that you dropped a ball, you caught a ball, you ran a touchdown, you fumbled a touchdown,

… what is she talking about? Is she claiming that intense seething hatred comparable to racism or homophobia can be generated… because you caught a ball?

that you write better than they ever will,

I suspect that nobody has ever hated LKH for that reason.

that you have a happy family & they don’t,

"You're all just jealous of my perfect happy family! Complete with the 'sister' I had never even met a couple years ago but am now insisting is part of my family, and the fawning boytoy husband!"

that your married & they want to be,

"You're jealous of my fanboy husband who has no purpose in life other than to lave my brow and tell me how wonderful I am! YOU HATE ME BECAUSE OF THAT!"

Seriously, has anyone ever heard of someone who hates ALL married people because they want to get married? I never have.

that you’re single & they want to be,

"That you have an enormous harem of imaginary boyfriends who dote on you and never wear anything less revealing than a Speedo, and they don't!"

you have kids, you don’t have kids,

Again, I could see four or five mentally unbalanced people in the world "hating" someone because of these, probably because of something like fertility issues… but no more than that. Seriously, emotions as strong as "hate" aren't usually stoked because someone has a baby. For one thing, you would be hating most of the population if you hated all people who have kids or will have kids someday.

And why would you hate someone who DOESN'T have kids?

you have a bigger house than they do, better job,

I admit that LKH probably has a bigger house than I do, and she definitely has a better job. After all, don't most people wish they could just spend a few hours a day vomiting their Sue fantasies onto a computer file, and then spend the rest of the day doing whatever the hell they want?

But no. I don't hate her for that.

no job,

People don't hate other people because they don't have a job. They tend to hate them for two possible reasons:

  1. The person with no job contributes nothing to society, like the Kardashians.
  2. The person is perceived as draining other people's resources without caring.

a lot of money, very little money,

Again, do people hate other people for not having money? They may look down on them, but that's not the same thing as hate.

your grammar doesn’t meet their standards,

They hate me because, I rape the comma, and splatter, run-on sentences all through my books I hate when they criticize me.

you’re taller, shorter,

I'm sorry, LKH, but you've made a mistake. That is YOU who hates people for being taller than you. The rest of the human race doesn't give a poop.

too loud, too soft spoken,

Does LKH not know the difference between hatred and being annoyed?

getting more sex than they are . . . The list goes on forever.

"You're all jealous of me because you're not getting laid like I am! All the time! In a sexy, edgy way! Every day! In countless positions! YOU'RE JEALOUS OF MY SEX LIFE WITH MY SEXY HUSBAND!"

Don’t let the hatred get you down, or stop you from doing what you need to do, just do it, be yourself, & let them hate you.

And then write a blog about how you SO TOTALLY aren't bothered by people saying "This is crap" about your e-outtake, and how it is TOTALLY not getting you down and none of it is your fault.

They will hate you no matter what you do, just don’t let that hatred, that envy, that jealousy, do anything, but let you know you are you, & since the only thing you can be is yourself, let them hate you.

  1. You can tell when LKH is upset by something, because she rambles incoherently in a string of sentence fragments.
  2. Once again, she claims that hate is just spontaneously generated with no rhyme or reason. Sorry, that ain't how it works in the real life. Usually when one person hates another, there's a reason.
  3. And what does jealousy have to do with people disliking the Beauty outtake? Why would she think anyone is jealous of her?
  4. Oh wait, that's the standard claim of anyone who uses the phrase "haters." Since "haters" can't actually have valid reasons to dislike washed-up pop stars, asshole actors or wildly overrated porn writers, the only possible reason must be that they're jealous.
  5. You found out my secret. Yes, LKH, I am wildly jealous of your sagging sales, barely-literate fanbase, your ordinary marriage and sex life, your "family" constructed of random people, and your delusions that you are a buttkicking macho badass who lives a life of danger and suspense instead of being a suburban writer of paranormal romance.

Let them eat their own hearts out with envy.

… envy of what? Her vast army of imaginary boyfriends?

Let them choke themselves on their feelings of inadequacy that they project on you.

Yes, it's my choking feelings of inadequacy that made me look at Beauty and go, "This is crap. This isn't even a story. It's just a random sex scene like all the others, complete with bad similes and even worse clothes." There is no other possible answer for why I would hate that!

Let their jealousy blind them to their own highest truth.

Well, I'm sure that will happen… when I start being jealous of someone.

Let their self-loathing use you as a substitute for themselves.

"They only hate my sexy sex scenes of sexiness because they hate themselves! My biology major means I'm a psychiatrist!"

Let their fear narrow their world & destroy their own possibility of happiness.

So… criticizing a bad outtake from an even worse novel will destroy my possibility of happiness? I don't quite see the logical progression.

Know that hate breeds only bitterness & failure in the end.

Nah, most people don't hate her. They usually range from total indifference to amused dislike.

As for failure... I've never seen an author kill their career so completely as LKH.

Do not hate them back, because then they own you.

Just write a passive-aggressive blog full of Oprahisms, whining about how people "hate" for no reason rather than addressing the real issue. THAT means they don't own you.

Don’t give them any power in your life.

Trust me, if I had any power over LKH, I would be busy making her write a book with a plot.

Don’t try to understand them,

Because if you UNDERSTAND them, you might realize that they have actual reasons for disliking you! PLUG YOUR EARS! YELL AT THE TOP OF YOUR VOICE TO BLOCK OUT THEIR EVIL JEALOUS VOICES!

because if you are doing what you are most meant to do, following your greatest & best path in your life,

… charging money for crap that the editors cut from the book.

you will have no time to hate, you will be too busy living.

You could say the same thing about passive-aggressive blogs about the nebulous people who "hate" like villains in a mediocre video game. If you were doing what you were meant to do…. you would be writing decent books, and not whiny blogs about those meaniepants poopieheads who keep criticizing you.

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