Monday, August 17, 2015

The Elusive Beast Revealed


This page contains a rare picture of a legendary beast, often spoken and much written about, but rarely ever actually seen. There is some variation in the species - some have blue hair, some have white, and others have green, metallic colors, pink, or streaks of random other shades in otherwise-normal hair. The species contains many different hybridizations, which results in many different forms. Their intellect ranges from generally exceptional to polymath genius, and they possess the rare quality of warping space and time so that it revolves around them.

Additionally, they are highly attractive to specific males - they are often irresistible to exceptionally handsome, boyish young men, who are often vampires/angels/wizards/lycanthropes/etc possessing some exceptional quality. And each breed contains different abilities - the most impressive are nearly godlike, while the lowest merely possess the hypnotic ability to enthrall. The sample below is a fairly average example of the breed.

Be warned: Do not approach this beast if you see one in the wild. If you attempt to approach it, it may harm or enthrall you, causing massive brain damage and an inability to appreciate well-written characters. Do not look directly at them, as their shining glory may blind you or melt your face like those Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Children should not see the image below, as it may scar them for life. Pregnant women should not see it, as it may cause their babies to absorb some of the species' most insufferable qualities.

Actually, NOBODY should see the image of this mythical creature. It can cause cramping, diarrhea, constipation, nosebleeds, cranial kablooie, shin splints, jammed wisdom teeth, fear of heights, Count Chocula disease, fear of shiny objects, hammertoes, unattractive acne, farting at important social occasions, and spontaneous bouts of square dancing. DO NOT LOOK AT WHAT IS BELOW THIS TEXT. YOU WILL REGRET IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR SHORT MISERABLE LIFE.

... are you still here?

You're totally still looking.

Well, I warned you people! You deserve whatever happens to you next. Here it is: the dreaded and feared Marius Sueus Diabolicus!

Name: Princess CrystalBella Rainbow Unicorn von Majikfarts
Age: 16 (but she's immortal)
Hair: rainbow-colored and down to the floor.
Eye color: azure, scarlet, and bright luminous emerald (depending on her mood).
Species: half elf, half angel, half fairy, half human, half vampire, half Vulcan, half Jedi princess.
Preferred weapon: A katana. Because everybody knows katanas can cut through anything, deflect bullets and are automatically cooler than any other kind of weapon. If that fails, she has the Power Of Love.
Love Interests: Every hot guy in every fandom.
Acquired Skills: Again, too many to name. Among her many accomplishments are a Masters In Science (acquired at the age of 9), a naturally angelic singing voice that can tame wild animals and cause serial killers to weep, and a few dozen Olympic gold medals for skating, gymnastics AND swimming. Oh, and she's secretly a ninja. And a Time Lord. And a queen.
Character Flaw: People pay far too much attention to her because she's so beautiful, and she's slightly clumsy.

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