I was planning to do this movie in ten-minute increments, but honestly it takes way too long to slog through this while snarking it thoroughly. So I'm going to do five minute increments, at least for the moment.
Anyway, Stewart makes this bizarre face and noise, almost like she had an orgasm she didn't expect. Of course the purple-prosey way Bawla describes Edward in the book, maybe Bella DID have an orgasm and this is just Stewart's wooden way of showing it.
Sunday, August 9, 2015
Twilight - The Movie Part 1
1 EXT. RAIN FOREST, OLYMPIC NATIONAL PARK, WASHINGTON - DAWN
Moss-draped. Shadow-drenched. Tortured tree trunks twist upward, reaching for rare sunlight.
Damn, even the trees in this movie are emo and hate the only temperate rainforest in the WORLD.
Moss-draped. Shadow-drenched. Tortured tree trunks twist upward, reaching for rare sunlight.
Damn, even the trees in this movie are emo and hate the only temperate rainforest in the WORLD.
Edward Cullen Is Coming To Town
... He sees you when you're sleeping, so get an effing restraining order!
by SatireKnight
Everybody has heard the classic "Santa Claus is Coming To Town" carol, but I've always gotten a creepy vibe from hearing about how Santa is always watching you. Santa = Big Brother! He is always watching! He monitors your behavior, and deviation from his will MEANS PUNISHMENT! Bend to Santa's will!
My Immortal Chapter 8
AN: stop flassing ok! if u do den u r a prep!
Yes! Goffs need no dental hygiene!
Yes! Goffs need no dental hygiene!
My Immortal Chapter 7
I actually wasn't making up the "his dick in a box" thing. That's basically what Draco has called away Enoby for... minus the box.
The Immortal Chapter 6
AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Promises, promises.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Promises, promises.
My Immortal Chapter 5
AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr!
An u ken probbly spel rite 2!
Yeah, her logic is that her abysmal fanfic will only be despised by people who are the sworn enemy of mallgoths/mallpunks: PREPS AND POSERS! If you're a middle-class suburban kid with no real problems but lots of angst, you will automatically LOVE this clusterfuck.
An u ken probbly spel rite 2!
Yeah, her logic is that her abysmal fanfic will only be despised by people who are the sworn enemy of mallgoths/mallpunks: PREPS AND POSERS! If you're a middle-class suburban kid with no real problems but lots of angst, you will automatically LOVE this clusterfuck.
My Immortal Chapter 4
AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK!
... see, this is one of the reasons I thought that this might be a parody. How do you manage to constantly misspell your character's NAME.
... see, this is one of the reasons I thought that this might be a parody. How do you manage to constantly misspell your character's NAME.
My Immortal Chapter 3
AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws!
I wonder how many of those good reviews were sarcastic.
I wonder how many of those good reviews were sarcastic.
My Immortal Chapter 2
AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!
I can assure you, this is something you'll be hearing a LOT of. Like, every single chapter.
I can assure you, this is something you'll be hearing a LOT of. Like, every single chapter.
My Immortal Chapter 1
AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik)
You're GOFFIK? Wow, I never would have guessed. Glory hallelujah, now I know how to pattern my life from here on!
You're GOFFIK? Wow, I never would have guessed. Glory hallelujah, now I know how to pattern my life from here on!
Vampire Kisses Chapter 3
First off, our little Hot Topic gawthe emphasizes that she is TOTALLY not like every other girl in the world, because they all obviously care deeply about their sixteenth birthday and make it into an artificial milestone. She's so different and unique! She's very unusual! She's totally NOT like every other whiny faux-goth in the world! Please believe her!
Vampire Kisses Chapter 2
The official welcome sign to my town should read, "Welcome to Dullsville—bigger than a cave, but small enough to feel claustrophobic!"
Then Gawthe Sue should feel right at home there - it's larger than her brain, and far wider than her mind. Of course, her ego is easily the size of Philly, so I doubt THAT would fit.
Then Gawthe Sue should feel right at home there - it's larger than her brain, and far wider than her mind. Of course, her ego is easily the size of Philly, so I doubt THAT would fit.
Vampire Kisses Chapter 1
I didn't think a vampire love story could actually be more banal and Mary Suish than Twilight. Shows what I know.
Vampire Victim
I didn't wanna bundle this with the Guilty Pleasures comics, mainly because it has nothing to do with them. So I'm going to review this little turd on its own!
The First Death 2 Part 2
In case you've forgotten, two different characters in these comic books have dribbled about how awesome Anita is because she doesn't just wait for the police to capture, tie up and bring a vampire to her so she can kill it. Oh no, she's the Awesome Vampire Hunter who goes out and does the hunting herself, because she is AWESOME.
So of course, what happens when a vampire needs to be executed?
So of course, what happens when a vampire needs to be executed?
The First Death 2 Part 1
Well, ladies and gents, it's now time for another comic book from the Anita Blake: Mother Beater series, with lots of stunningly amateurish artwork and exciting... talking. Yay. Hand me a gun, please.
The First Death 1 Part 1
Warning: These images are selected from the official release, and I'm using them solely for the purpose of reviewing. All rights belong to LKH and Marvel. Please don't hotlink to these images, but to the main page.
The Anita Blake series is one of several paranormal/urban fantasy series that recently got turned into comic books, and provided some prequel material for the fans. It got cancelled recently... but that's neither here nor there. The point is that The First Death was intended to show Anita's first assignment as a vampire hunter and how she got to know Edward and Jean-Claude. We were supposed to see Anita as a wide-eyed green rookie who was just figuring out the ropes.
Well, it's a lot less impressive than it sounds. Edward immediately hops onto the fanboy train, Jean-Claude's appearance is ridiculously pointless, and Anita acts exactly the same as she does in Guilty Pleasures. She's also ridiculously ineffectual during the climax.
But anyway, on to the fun ride that is The First Death.
The Anita Blake series is one of several paranormal/urban fantasy series that recently got turned into comic books, and provided some prequel material for the fans. It got cancelled recently... but that's neither here nor there. The point is that The First Death was intended to show Anita's first assignment as a vampire hunter and how she got to know Edward and Jean-Claude. We were supposed to see Anita as a wide-eyed green rookie who was just figuring out the ropes.
Well, it's a lot less impressive than it sounds. Edward immediately hops onto the fanboy train, Jean-Claude's appearance is ridiculously pointless, and Anita acts exactly the same as she does in Guilty Pleasures. She's also ridiculously ineffectual during the climax.
But anyway, on to the fun ride that is The First Death.
Guilty Pleasures Part 1
So, here we are in the very first comic book based on the Anita Blake series, based on the very first book in this not-pioneering-urban-fantasy series.
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HAAAAAAAALLLLPPPPPP!
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HAAAAAAAALLLLPPPPPP!
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