Twilight Chapter 11

In case anyone is wondering, this book has twenty-four chapters, an epilogue and a prologue. So, we're coming awfully close to the halfway mark... and to date, NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. Okay, to be fair, a few things have happened... but they're not plot. They're just one-off perils so Bella can be rescued.

And sadly, I'm not seeing that trend changing anytime soon.

Twilight Chapter 10

You know, I can read Lord of the Rings in a week, Little Women in a day, and if real life stopped intruding I could go through books like a forest fire. This book? It's like reading Ulysses after hitting yourself on the head with a hammer.


Pretend that the Junior clips are from Twilight.

Twilight Chapter 9

So Edward is speeding down the street and Bella starts whining about asking another question. Yeah, she's figured out that this guy is a sparklepire, and yet somehow her biggest question is: "you said you knew I hadn't gone into the bookstore, and that I had gone south. I was just wondering how you knew that." It's probably the chip in her head.

Twilight Chapter 8

Jess drove faster than the Chief,

... Chief of what? The Quileutes? A Scottish clan? A member of the New Zealand rugby team? Noel Gallagher?

Twilight Chapter 7

I'm presuming that Bawla is now at home, because she's talking about her dad. It's not really clear. Anyway, since Bella is technically female despite her apparent dislike for her own sex, she notes that: There was a basketball game on that he was excited about, though of course I had no idea what was special about it, so he wasn't aware of anything unusual in my face or tone.

Because girls are unable to appreciate sports or have any tolerance for men's fascination with them. Because that is a MAN thing, and there must be no overlap. Women cook and faint and serve the men, and the men sit around like sacks of mildewed grain, watching sports and burping.

Twilight Chapter 6

It's tiiiiiiiime for the inevitable infodump. Having dropped countless hints about Edturd that really don't amount to ANY logical conclusion, Smeyers decides to finally reveal what's what. And yes, it will be completely unsatisfying.

Twilight Chapter 5

Apparently to reinforce that bickering with Hot Rich Boy is a big deal, Bawla goes meandering off to English class and fails to notice that everybody is already sitting down with their books open. I'm sure she's smarter than the teacher anyway.

Twilight Chapter 4

In my dream it was very dark, and what dim light there was seemed to be radiating from Edward's skin.

Ah, so now we have the answer: Edward is a radioactive mutant. Suddenly everything makes sense!

Twilight Chapter 3

When I opened my eyes in the morning, something was different.

Don't tell me - the continuous droning whine has stopped.

Twilight Chapter 2

The next day was better… and worse.

Sadly, such is not the case with this chapter. It's just worse and... worse. Bawla manages to not be quite as emo about the horrors of attending a new school and living in a rainy clime, and she even deigns to remember a few names from the common sheep.

Twilight Chapter 1

So our heroin... our protag... our main character is a girl named Bella, who is apparently leaving Arizona on a plane to go to a boring town. There's the not-so-subtle vibe that her destination is unworthy of such an awesome personage as herself.

Twilight Preface

I'd never given much thought to how I would die — though I'd had reason enough in the last few months — but even if I had, I would not have imagined it like this.

This is actually a fairly cool if needlessly dramatic way to open a book. For one thing, a brief glimpse of the dust jacket tells us two reasons why this is way too dramatic:

1. This book involves vampires. Vampires are allegedly the undead. Therefore you die if you become one of them.
2. Bella is a Mary Sue, and therefore she will live on forever. Like nail fungus, funky smells and Mick Jagger.

Midnight Sun Chapter 3

Holy shit, this book has long chapters.

So anyway, Eddie has decided to go hunting for... whatever they eat. I don't know if Smeyers has bothered to tell us in this book, but I certainly don't remember her mentioning what self-important emo vampires eat. I guess there's the assumption that you'll know this detail if you've read the previous books. Bad idea. While it's annoying when authors recount EVERY SINGLE LITTLE DETAIL in their books, this is a pretty major one.

Midnight Sun Chapter 2

So Eddie is somewhere… snowy. With stars and stuff. Thanks for the transition wherein we find out where he is and why he's there, and the landscape descriptions for a sense of where we are. Meyers would apparently rather give us nonsensical purple prose.

Midnight Sun Chapter 1

So, this book is an opportunity to start anew with Stephenie Meyer's characters. How? Because THIS one doesn't have Bawla Wan as the main character and narrator! HUZZAH!

So who is the main character?



I am experiencing chagrin.

The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner Introduction

No two writers go about things in exactly the same way.

Yes, some of them actually write likable characters and complex plots instead of just masturbating on the keyboard.

The Host Chapter 1

So now we switch over to Goa'uld Sue's perspective, which is a lot less entertaining than it sounds.


Now imagine that with fairy wings, a unicorn horn and rainbow hair!

The Host Prologue

The Healer’s name was Fords Deep Waters.

Because making up individual names of an actual alien species would be too tough. I assume the intention here is to imply that the aliens don't have names so much as applicable descriptions that define who they are... but since it isn't said explicitly, I'll just assume that they have silly names.

Love Is Hell

Wow, I wonder if this will be a crappy paranormal story. Oh come on, it's in a book called Prom Nights From Hell, and since prom-age paranormal crap is what she excels at. Even worse: Stephenie Meyer, having raped vampires, now turns her attentions to demons and angels.

And you know what? This story makes Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny look theologically valid.


I mean, at least Beelzeboss is kinda scary, and he's threatening to do genuinely horrible things to people! Which he makes clear instead of... not telling us.

Female Force - Stephenie Meyer Part 1

... or, All About A Female With No Force

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You may have heard about this truly awful comic book in the past - it was part of a four-comic cycle that Bluewater Productions put out about the Twilight author and actors. Who are Bluewater Productions? Well, they are a comic book company who put out two kinds of comic books:

• Schlock like Vincent Price Presents, Wrath of the Titans, and cash-ins on already-existing franchises.
• Fawning one-off comics about popular celebrities and political figures.